Funny thing I’ve noticed. When I clean the kitchen, inevitably my wife finds all kinds of little areas and edges that I didn’t clean properly (she does it kindly and doesn’t nag, FWIW). This would be a point in favor that she might be more detail oriented than me.
But then for certain other tasks, like replacing the bag liner in our fancy trashcan with an automatic lid, which requires wrapping the trash bag top around a plastic ring to hold it tightly in the can, it’s no problem for me, but she is incapable of doing it without huge swaths of plastic liner being loose and unconnected peeking out of the ring and the lid. ISTM that this is another detail-oriented task – make sure the entire circumference of the top of the bag is wrapped around the plastic ring. Easy for me, apparently impossible for her.
Why is this? Is this not a matter of being detail oriented, but rather something else?
Perhaps it’s simply a matter of how valuable you find the little areas and edges being cleaned vs how valuable you find the amount of plastic liner sticking out of the ring and lid? And the same for your wife?
This is why Partnerships are so important. No one can be expected to be able to cover every single detail. Your partner is there to cover the parts that you missed.
Off hand observation: her nitpicks are regarding cleanliness and yours are regarding how it looks. Not picking sides, that’s just what jumped out at me.
I dunno; my limited exposure to the kind of trash can described by OP, it’s a functional issue, not a vanity one. The liner sags away from the can unless it’s properly retained, and then you’re throwing garbage into the unlined can or on top of the (exterior of the) liner, and then it’s a million times harder and more unpleasant to empty the trash.
But the consensus point remains: you can’t predict what anyone cares about or doesn’t, and you can’t make 'em change what they do or don’t care about. If you’re lucky, your combined strengths will cover everything that matters.
I think, as others have mentioned, that these kinds of inconsistencies are to do with what the individual subconsciously actually cares about. We all have the same senses and ability to observe the same things around the house; the differences in what we actually notice happen in our brains which are constantly filtering information and potential actions out since we can’t possibly process it all. I don’t know much about how it works, but I think most of what we filter out is done subconsciously and tends to be emotionally based.
I see it all the time with my kids who can be standing on top of something I tell them to pick up, yet they can’t see it (because they really want to continue watching TV or whatever). I care about keeping the open floor area picked up and swept because I hate stepping on toys and cracker crumbs. I don’t really care about all the junk under the couches. I know it’s there, and that ideally it should also be picked up, but my eyes just glance past it. My wife happens to be the same way, so its fine and that stuff only gets cleaned up a few times per year.
“Detail oriented” to me would apply to a person who consistently notices and more importantly acts on all the small things, not just the ones that matter to them. How we feel about these people and their trends depends greatly on how they present themselves. The ones who are pushy and expect others to match what they do aren’t received very well… others are more respectful and quietly just buzz around getting all the little things done are much more likeable… though run the risk of not being appreciated.
I put emphasis on having things “neat” - dishes not sitting in the sink, junk mail not piling up, bed not unmade, shoes not sitting out in the middle of the floor, etc. - and spend some time every day generally picking things up.
My girlfriend puts more emphasis on “cleaning”, which she only really does on the weekends, but which involves mopping, scrubbing, washing/changing sheets, etc.
I agree that we all have different things that bother us, and different things that don’t. The GF leaves shoes EVERYWHERE, and can’t be bothered replacing an empty toilet paper roll. But she is quick to point out if I don’t get the dishes spotless or leave coffee spilled on the (coffee-colored) marble countertop.
My wife can see a speck on the counter or sink, but wouldn’t notice an inch of dirt on the floor. I’m the opposite. She’s also of the “clean obsessively or ignore it” school of cleaning.
Different kinds of details. Like all topics, “men can’t see dirt” has its roots in reality - it just shouldn’t be taken as some sort of absolute rule. One that I find to be more generally true is “nobody is bothered by their own mess”, AKA “different people have different senses of order”.
My brother Jay sees dirt just fine, but it doesn’t bother him personally except in a few specific spots. One time that Mom was complaining about the spots her current-at-the-time cleaning lady left, he philosophized “all cleaning ladies have spots they don’t see, they just happen to be different ones for each of them”.
Sounds like me and my husband! He is the master of getting the trash liner in the can properly. There have been a few times when I’ve gone to throw something in the garbage can and because he is en route to the garage with a full garbage bag there is no liner in the can. Instead of me struggling with trying to get that liner in properly I set my trash on the counter until he comes back in and replaces the liner.
But…he won’t see the cumbs on the counter or the fingerprints on the microwave. Luckily I’m around.
I’m of the “clean obsessively or ignore it” school as well. It bugs me when the kids’ toys are all over the place, so I often ignore it along with the other clutter in a toy-strewn room. But when I clean that room, they toys will be put away, everything will be dusted, vacuumed, all other clutter put away (not just moved), etc. I’ll ignore, ignore, ignore, then hard-core clean.
I think it may be a detail thing. When there are too many things “wrong,” I can tune them out. But when there’s only a few things wrong, I have to take care of those few things. As in, when the room is cluttered and generally messy, I don’t notice that the piano needs to be dusted. But once the toys and mail and such are put away, I notice that the piano is dusty and the picture frames are crooked, etc.
Another possibility is that it’s easier to see something that someone else has done wrong as opposed to something you’ve done wrong. General you. I’ve noticed that most when I’ve moved into a new place. The dirt (and there’s always some somewhere) jumps out at me. Once I’ve moved in and it’s mine, it can build up a bit before I notice, especially in odd places.
It seemed to me that my spouse never, ever changed the kitchen towels, which were various colors (green, blue, ecru). He does most of the cooking so every time I cooked I would get new towels because they just seemed grody, and I thought he didn’t care.
I have recently bought some new WHITE kitchen towels and those are getting replaced by someone other than me a LOT more often. So apparently I can see dirt on colored towels better, and I did not know that. I just thought it didn’t matter to him.
When we first got together he was the neatnik and I was the wiper and we both thought this would work out well. He would put things away and get them off the surfaces and I would come by with the scrubbers etc. Instead it has been a source of contention for both of us for 40 years.
So we are both into certain details, but they are different details. There are a hell of a lot of details.
ETA: I can’t get the trash liner into the can either. At last an actual gender difference?
Not just things that people [care about/like] vs [don’t care about/don’t like], but also things that are easy or difficult for them. And things that they feel confident about or unsure about.
I have several glaring problems in keeping a place organized. My wife is good at those things AND cares about them, so it’s relatively easy for her. She finds many tasks difficult that most people (me included) do fairly easily, so I just do them. And we both appreciate this “win-win” very much, having both been in situations previously where we were blamed for being incompetent or lazy.