On Hold With The IRS...

The BBQ Pit
1

I am on the phone to the IRS. I’ve been on hold for about half an hour now and I suspect I’ve got another hour or so to wait. I’m listening to “The Nutcracker Suite” with occasional interruptions thanking me for holding and reminding me that all representatives are helping other customers and to please stay on the line and my call will be answered in the order in which it was received. Oh wait, now it’s “Eine Kleine Nachtmusik”. At least i’ts not soft rock.

We received a letter a couple of weeks ago informing us we were being “examined”. That’s the new word they use instead of “audited”. Enclosed with the letter was a form telling us that “examined” means “audited”.

The problem is that in 1999 my second son, who was in college, submitted his tax form and declared himself as his own dependent. Unfortunately, we had already included him as a dependent on our tax return. Our including him was correct, as we paid over half his support, he was under 24 and a full-time student at the end of the year. We actually coordinated this with him and told him NOT to claim himself but he’s careless about forms and money matters.

So HE got a letter telling him to pay an additional $226 dollars in taxes. He (or we, somebody anyway) will have to pay this. Fine. Our fault. But OUR letter says they are disallowing ALL our dependent exemptions (including two other children) unless we submit written proof of their existence and associated expenses. Birth certificates, school records, mortgage statement, utility bills (water, power, phone, cable), copies of cancelled checks or receipts for mortgage payments and household expenses during the tax year. OR (which may actually be easier) just send $2,569.

Oh no! I just accidentally hung up the phone!! AAAUUGGGHHH! Back to the end of the line!!

I’m back on hold. Oh joy. It’s “Eine Kleine” again. Apparently Mozart and Tchaicovsky take turns performing for taxpayers.

So I’m calling to try to find out what they actually really truly do need. I will be sorely disappointed if, when I get to talk to a person, they tell me just to shut up and mail it all in. Did I mention this was an examination by mail? I don’t get to actually talk to anyone – just mail stuff merrily off to Andover, MA. There is a contact person identified – her contact identification number is RZHBB. When you call the toll-free number they ask if you know your contact’s extension – that’s not included, but the contact identification number is RZHBB.

You will notice that I have refrained from obscene or profane language, even here in the pit. It’s not that none of those words has occurred to me – it’s just a matter of personal style.

So here I sit. Alternately waltzing with flowers and enjoying a little night music. Holding the phone very carefully to avoid another accidental hang-up. Further bulletins will be provided as the situation deteriorates.

2

I’m amazed. I apologize for denigrating the fine music of those two wonderful composers.

I got through after about two hours. But when I did it was all good news.

“Do I have to send in all this stuff?”

“No. Just fix the one return, pay the money, include a copy of it with the other reply and everything will be taken care of.”

Hooray!

I love the IRS! (Not really, but the human being I talked to was more helpful and considerate than I could have imagined.)

Never mind.

3

Actually, pluto, your hell has just begun. Did the considerate, helpful person on the phone mention that “But your own guy told me to” is not a sufficient defense when the IRS comes after you with dogs for failing to give them the receipt from having your chimney cleaned 17 years ago?

Good luck, but don’t count on it being over.

4

Somehow, “The Imperial March” from Star Wars seems more appropriate.

Dum dum dum DUM da-dum DUM da-dum.

Hiss-gasp
Hiss-gasp
“You will tell me the location of the hidden receipts.”
Hiss-gasp
Hiss-gasp

5

[hijack]

They played that at my high school graduation as we left the field. It was COOL.

[/hijack]

Good luck with the IRS…you’re going to need it. Bwahahahahaha…(“examined”…riiight)

6

Actually, my experiences with the IRS (so far) have also led me to beleive that they are not quite as evil as everyone makes out. I had some EE U.S. savings bonds, which are suppossed to be tax exempt if you use them for higher education, and I cashed them in for college tuition. Three years later, I get a letter from the IRS asking me why I didn’t pay taxes on them.

This sounds easy to deal with, but actually, I had given the bonds to my mother in cash, because she was paying my tuition, and she had deposited them into her “large expenses” account, which included both tuition and vacation payments. And I had no idea if she kept receipts, or where to find them, or if there was any way to establish that the money had gone to tuition instead of vacation.

So I mailed the IRS a letter, to ask them what information I needed to get them to make everything okay. I said I could send school records to show I was in college, and school receipts showing my mother had paid tuition, but I wasn’t sure I could find a direct paper trail between those bonds and my tuition check. And I got a letter back which, to sum up, said “Oh, that makes perfect sense. Don’t bother sending us anything at all, we believe you.” Um, okay!

Of course a signed letter to the IRS is, I think, considered testimony, and you can be prosecuted for lying.

7

You don’t think the “Nut Cracker Suite” is appropriate?" To me, it sounds like someone at the IRS has a fine sense of irony.

8

Quick question. Would you give up your favourite Federal subsidy if it meant that you would never pay income tax again?

If so, check out the Libertarian Party at http://www.lp.org or the Advocates for Self-Government at http://www.self-gov.org

9

I actually found that dealing with the Feds was a pleasant experience. Not like those miserable fucking bastards at the State of California franchise tax board!!

I was once late in paying my federal tax. I called them up and said I was gonna make 3 payments to them over several months. They said fine. They seemed happy that someone was willing to pay up.

The State, however… I once mailed in a return along with a check for about 15 dollars. This was in my disorganized youth where I did not keep good records. Three years later, I get mail saying I now owe them, with interest and penalties, over $600.00!!:eek: And they wanted it NOW, or else they were gonna garnish my wages!

[sub]but that was a long time ago, I’m over it now[/sub]

10

For the love of God, make a note of the date and time of the call, the id # of the person you spoke with, and the substance of their comments.

When you send the materials in, prepare a cover letter that summarizes the above information. Keep a copy of the cover letter with your tax returns.

And if you’re feeling energetic, pick up a tax book from your local bookstore, and see what it says about oral advice from the IRS.

(Standard disclaimer about legal advice)

11

My personal best on hold with the IRS was 2.5 hours.
My darling wife had accidentally thrown my Federal tax refund out and I was calling to get it reissued. Two and a half hours to be told they’d send me a form.
Now, I filed in February so I could get my refund early. I got it on the Saturday between Good Friday and Easter.
I got my refund check replacement in August. Every time I called I had a wait on hold of at least half an hour, and even with documented service numbers, ID’s etc., no-one I talked to had any idea of what I was talking about. They didn’t seem so much actively evil as misguided and bitter.