One Alabamian's thoughts as we enter Spring Break season

The BBQ Pit
1

This thread is cordially addressed to all our Northern friends from Michigan, Illinois, Indiana, and Wisconsin who use the I-65 corridor to get to the Gulf of Mexico at about this time every year.

First of all, welcome. Seriously. I hope you have a great time. I do, however, have one or two recommendations which might help make your stay in the South much more pleasant for everyone.

  1. When driving on the interstate, we’uns here in Bama like to follow the “drive on the right, pass on the left” rule. Please do not drive 55 in a 70 mph zone in the left lane. It makes me desperately want hood-mounted disintegrat-o-rays. I can understand if that’s just the way it’s done wherever the heck you come from, but how did you miss the approximately 250,000 signs between Birmingham and Montgomery that say “Slower Traffic Keep Right?”

1a) Drive the goddamn speed limit, please. I realize you want to soak in the sights of the Sunny South, but some of us have been on a multi-day, thousand mile road trip for work and we’d like to get home sometime before summer.

  1. When in Waffle House, don’t make fun of the waitresses, We love those gals, man.

  2. When in Waffle House, please do not point at the menu and say, “Grits?! What’s a grit?!” We’ve all seen My Cousin Vinny. It’s no longer funny.

No. It isn’t.

  1. When waiting with your dizzy friends in line for the restroom at the convenience store, please do not make fun of the country music coming through the speakers by hooking your thumbs in your beltloops, distending your belly to simulate a beer gut, sticking your top front teeth out over your lower jaw to simulate being buck-toothed, and shuffling your pink-flip-flop-clad feet in an obscene imitation of a two-step. Not only is it highly unbecoming, young lady, but open mockery of an unassuming (and traditionally heavily armed) native population is usually not considered wise.

  2. When in a local Wal-Mart, please do not stage-whisper to your friend that you’ve “never seen so many black people.” While, depending on where you’re from, this may be a perfectly truthful statement, you will probably find such a declaration ill-received.

  3. If you hate the South so badly (as in the case of one vocal young man who thought a clerk’s Southern accent sounded “stupid”,) please remember that I-65 runs both north and south.

Hey, if you’re nice to us, we’ll be nice to you. I’ll tell you about all the cool places, like the club in Montgomery that opens at midnight, and has a guy that played with Muddy Waters that rocks the joint every night. I’ll tell you where the best Barbecue in the state is, the best beaches in Florida, the best seafood in Mobile. But only if you’re nice.

In short, don’t be such a pack of pricks.

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From one Bama resident to another–RIGHT ON, Ogre!

Here’s a few more–just because we are rednecks, don’t assume we are uneducated. We have schools here and some of us (gasp!) have even gone to college! :eek:

Do not make caustic comments about us being inbred (this one is likely to get you a tire iron to the back of the head) because the waitress didn’t bring your coffee fast enough to suit you, or some stupid shit like that.

Don’t rip through our small towns at the speed of light, thinking how slow and stupid we are–we live here and we don’t need you hounding us down the road when we are just trying to go about our daily lives. The interstate is there for you to go 90 on and we and our kids would appreciate not being pushed out of the way when we are just trying to go to McDonald’s, for pity’s sake! And when you see a flashing light and a sign that warns you of a school zone–DO NOT IGNORE IT and speed on anyway. And if you insist on doing so and get pulled over, kindly do not refer to our police officers as “Andy” or “Barney.” You were speeding through a small town, dickhead, so that’s what you get! (In the same vein, STOP when you see a stopped school bus. You will be taking your life into your own hands–and throwing it away–if you hurt one of our kids because you just couldn’t be bothered to stop for two minutes.)

Anyone else have anything to add? :slight_smile:

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“Anyone else have anything to add?”

When come,… bring pie.

4

Wait… you have problems with people from Michigan driving too slow?

That must be some sun you guys got down there. :eek:

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Yeah…See, I’ve lived in Alabama, so I’m calling ‘bullshit’ on this one. You may drive that way, people you know may drive that way, but please–don’t presume to speak for the rest of the population. Because, apparently, you don’t.

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Must be the Illinois residents who aren’t from the Chicago area. Around here, we drive 70 mph in a 55 zone. (That’s in the right lane, the left lane is usually passing them.)

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You’re only just now getting to spring break season there in Alabama?
Many, y’all are slow.
:wink:

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You mean you know a Texan who opened a real barbecue joint in that state?
:wink:

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Ahhhh, Sous La Terre. I haven’t been there in too long; I think I’ll visit next weekend.

Definately the kind of place you have to TELL people about, though–pointing it out just doesn’t work :slight_smile:

The club name is literally true…

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Just a note concerning BBQ in Alabama: If it ain’t pig, then it ain’t BBQ. Everything else is grilled.

My husband is from west Texas-east New Mexico. He’s tired of eating pork every single time we visit my parents in Verbena, Alabama. He doesn’t realize - that’s a high honor for Alabama!

(Yes it is a real town - the Stuckey’s exit on I-65 - Y’all come! We’ll put a pig in the ground for ya!)

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Drive Slow? The Only way to drive past ‘The Alabama Cattleman’s Association’ without asphyxiation is to roll up all windows & drive past as fast as you can. (Its rather… Fragrant).

I mean its either that or dabbing menthol below your nose…

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Ignorant Yank checking in, I was sitting in a Waffle House in Dothan once, and I remarked to a friend “I can’t believe I am in Alabama” which the toothless waitress overheard, and shot back with “Honey, at least you aint in Mississippi!”

I actually ended up going to school in TN, so I am at least part red neck now. A very small part, but a part.

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Yeah. Apparently they get down here and decide to stop and smell the wisteria. Which is fine, but lord a’mighty, please toddle along on the right side of the highway.

I’m not speaking for everyone, but compared to northerners (if the sample I’ve seen is representative,) we must still be the right-drivin’-est motherfuckers around, because I’ve never seen so many cars from one state (Michigan) blocking up the left lane. It got to where I actually groaned everytime I cruised up behind a car with one of those blue tags.

To be honest, the Spring Breakers may have been on the road for quite some time, but I haven’t had to travel the interstates until recently.

You will note,Homebrew, that I capitalized Barbecue in my post. This was not a typo. As DeVena said, as if reading my mind, if it ain’t pig, it ain’t Barbecue. Similarly, I wish you people would keep your mesquite west of the Mississippi River. It’s stinkin’ up the place. :slight_smile:

And DeVena, I’m from Montgomery, and my girlfriend’s dad is from Verbena. I know it well.

Yes indeed! I’m glad somebody caught the reference. Are you from or living in Montgomery? Sous la Terre is one of those utterly unique places that just bleeds “this joint is jumpin’” vibes. The bar mixes drinks strong, the waitresses don’t give a fuck who you are, and everybody dances…young, old, black, white…doesn’t matter. Great mix of people, too…from clean-cut military types in formalwear with their dates to college kids, old couples, and pimped-out black guys in ascots, a diamond tie-tack, and a bowler hat. The place is cramped, smoky, and smells funny, but it’s a great time.

And yes, the bar’s name means “under the earth,” because it’s located in a sub-sub-basement that you have to descend a looooong way to reach.

Yeah. Smells like money.

Sheeeeit. Dothan’s nowhere near the end of the earth. That particular distinction belongs to Gee’s Bend (which I’m about to start a thread about…I’ll link it here if anyone’s interested.)

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I’ve been to Alabama, great state, but crazy Alabama drivers on that interstate that leads from Talladega to Atlanta talk about wanna be nascar drivers.

And I’ve always felt bad for those drive thru states, out of towners clogging their hotels and restaurants spending their money.

And here in Michigan nobody drives thru on their way to another state…boo hoo

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I don’t know how you all put up with it. I drove from Atlanta to New Orleans and back, crossing most of Alabama and there is just NOTHING THERE. Where’re ya’ll hiding the buildings and stuff?

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If you went I-20, you passed through Birmingham. You must have been asleep. I can’t explain how you somehow missed a city of nearly a million people, complete with ferocious traffic that gives Atlanta a run for its money, skyscraper-scale buildings and an international airport.

Got me, sport.

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GMRyujin most likely took I-85 to Monkeytown thence I-65 down to I-10 at Mobile.

I’ll grant this: Although he did have to go through Montgomery and near Mobile, there ain’t very many buildings per mile on that route.

I find that pine trees, cattle, and the occasional cotton field are easier to put up with than the madness that’s Metro Atlanta. Dif’run strokes for dif’run folks. :wink:

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Yeah, John, but I was assuming the quickest route to New Orleans, which is definitely I-20. Pick up 20/59 through Tuscaloosa, and 59 goes straight to N.O. Having to detour through Mobile tacks on a couple extra hours.

But yeah, if he passed through Montgomery, there ain’t a bunch to see on that road.