Why would you be worried about running into someone you know? It’s just a bizarre question. Online dating hasn’t been the realm of losers and social misfits since the late 90’s. (OK not only them).
Maybe depends on if you work a subscription dating site (where you have to pay money to use the site) versus a free one. I think one could reasonably surmise that the paid sites have a better quality of membership – well, at least they should have some quality of membership – whereas the free ones are total, utter, complete cesspools.
Maybe depends on your own personal qualities. If, say, you’re an aspie, not much chance that anything is going to work.
I’ve always thought, BTW, that dating is indistinguishable from job interviews. It may not be such a coincidence that HR departments are so often run by females.
Yeah, you do sometimes run into the profiles of people you know- it’s no more awkward than running in to someone you know at a bar. Online dating is pretty mainstream, so you pretty much expect to see your single buddies around.
I have had times when IRL friends have dropped me a line saying “I’ve had a crush on you, want to meet up?” All it takes is “That’s flattering, but I see you as more of a friend.” No biggie. The refreshing thing about online dating is that it’s easy to be honest and straightforward. You guys all kind of know you are there for a purpose, so if you don’t see potential for romance there aren’t a lot of hurt feelings saying “You seem really cool, but I’m not interested in you like that.” Indeed, it’s almost nice to hear that because that person is saving you from wasting time.
The online dating sites are no more “cesspools” than, say, the supermarket is. Yes, there are all kinds of people there, most of which you have no interest in dating. But it’s not that crazy hard to filter them out. I’m only a member of OKCupid, and while I’ve had some duds and some winners, I haven’t spent a ton of time dealing with the losers. I spend maybe 10 minutes a day max on the site- look at my inbox, reply to people I’m interested in, run a quick search to find other people I might be interested in and send them quick “wink” type messages…and that’s it.
If you are not a social person in general, any kind of dating is going to be tough. Personally, I’ve found it a lot of fun and not at all job-interviewy…unless you go to very different job interviews than I do! Seriously though, if the “coffee and chat” thing is too awkward for you, use some initiative and propose an activity. I’ve gone on OKCupid dates to dance lessons, special events, museums, and occasionally to straight to my place. A lot of it has been pretty fun.
I also believe social skills can be taught. There are tricks to talking to people that will put them at ease, direct them to interesting topics, and make them more likely to feel a connection with you. I’m by nature an awkward and aloof person, and this is something I’ve worked hard to get better at. It can be done.
In my experience, the paid sites are a waste of time. Almost everyone I have met online has been through a free site.
It’s funny, I saw my ex on OKCupid activating his old profile the same day I did! We only had a 72% match. My current boyfriend messaged me, like, the next day because we came up as 98% compatible and he just had to find out exactly what kind of person that was.
I did also get as one of my featured matches that first day one of my ex’s employees. We laughed about it.
I never understood the appeal of online dating unless you’re looking for something specific. I mean, let’s say you’re gay. I get that, you don’t know who is or isn’t gay, and you would run a risk going up to someone and asking them out. So that makes sense.
Or if you’re say, Jewish and only want to date other Jewish people. That would just save everyone a lot of time.
Maybe I’m too young, I’m in my early 30s, so I can still walk into a bar and meet women. And I thought it’d be hard now that I’m laid off. It isn’t, in fact I now have women sayign “Sorry to hear that, let me buy you a drink.”
If something isn’t working drop it. Go back to the real world. You don’t have to be great looking to get a date or relationship. Just look around at all the ugly people 
I am in my late 40s and very gainfully employed and I can also easily walk into a bar and meet women too. The problem is that I can’t stand spending time in bars. So not only do I have to hang out in a bar to do that, I also will have found someone to date who likes bars and will want to go to them when we’re out together. Doesn’t make a lot of sense, does it?
There are a few ways that online dating can be better for certain circumstances than traditional dating. These include.
[ol]
[li]People who go to get picked up on at bars are looking to get picked up on at bars. This is pretty awesome if you are looking to get laid tonight. But for any relationship more complicated than that, it’s kind of a crap shoot. If you are looking for a long term committed relationship, the kind of person who’s idea of fun is getting smashed and banging randos might not be what you are looking for.[/li][li]You can pre-screen for fundamental incompatibility. For example, if you really would like to have kids in the next five years, you can save yourself the trouble of falling for the guy who says “OMG I NEVER WANT KIDS EVER OMG.” Everyone has dealbreakers, and a lot of them are too sensitive to talk about to someone you just met (“Hey, you have great eyes. BTW I’m hoping to get married in the next five years!”), so online dating can save you the energy of investing in someone you have a fundamental conflict with. [/li][li]You can easily meet people outside of your social circle. For example, I live in DC and never hang out in Maryland or Virginia. It turns out there are plenty of cool guys in these states who are willing to meet up with me on the weekends. I’d probably have never met them otherwise. [/li][li]You can start with intellectual attraction as well as physical. When you pick up on someone at a bar, it’s pretty much all looks (you probably can’t even hear them much.) That’s fine for certain kinds of relationships, but if you are looking for a deeper relationship you probably don’t want one with a complete dingbat or a himbo. A look at the profile can make sure you aren’t wasting your time with someone you just have no intellectual connection with. [/li][/ol]
When my ex came to sign the separation documents, he told me that he got an email from match.com saying that he and I were a 97% match. Shows how much they know!
I’ve gotten more activity on my Plenty of Fish account than my Match account.
They may have something, though - I think I have more in common with my ex, but the new guy and I seem to get along better.
Indeed. However, consider that, as I said above, I met all of the women that turned into real relationships in “real life”, not online. And I didn’t meet a single one of them at the bar. For example, I met my wife at the library.
I have heard that paid vs free and, indeed, even what site is best can vary a lot by city. I didn’t find anyone on Eharmony for my city, but the people there seemed a heck of a lot less skeevier than those on plentyoffish for my area.
I see there seems to be some debate breaking out about on-line vs. real life meeting. For me it was this. I was looking for something very specific: a devout Catholic woman who was ready to settle down and get married. I needed to expand my circle as I seemed to already know many of the ones in my city (there isn’t a huge community of them as it is the deep south). On-line dating allowed me to do this.
I totally agree with this.
Hang in there, it can be worth it. I managed to meet a wonderful, intelligent, weird, and nerdy woman via online dating. We’ve been together for nearly two years now, and I’ll be buying a ring very soon. If I can find someone who’d be insane enough to love me, it’s probably safe to say that anyone can.
Fair enough, but that’s leaving a lot to chance. The chances of happening to have a conversation-opening moment in a library with someone single, in your age range, with whom you have mutual attraction, and with compatible lifestyles and goals…well, it’s damn slim. And yet I can find ten people like this tonight online and meet them this weekend. If dating is a numbers game, it makes sense to get the best odds you can.
If you live in a city or work in an industry that has a gender or preference imbalance, things get even worse. For example, San Francisco is notoriously difficult for many single women because there are a disproportionate number of gay people, and many straight men in the area have a preference for Asian women- who are in abundance. A non-Asian straight woman is going to face increased competition for fewer men.
My industry (international development) has a crazy gender imbalance. My Master’s class had about six males to about forty females. Figure that some are gay, some are married, and some are un-datable, and you basically have no prospects…and you’ve still got maybe 30 very eligible girls to fight over any crumbs with. Any workplace I end up is likely to be similar- my last job had one male in a twenty person office, an older married Eritrean guy.
I’m all about meatspace. I’m rarely home- I’m usually out at lectures, or classes, or in my skee-ball league, or at the gym, or attending events. But I’m not willing to give up my life to optimize all of my activities towards meeting men (give up yoga for boxing?) It makes much more sense to go about looking for a partner the same way I’d look for an apartment or a job- through leveraging real and virtual networks.
Online dating is the only dating I’ll even consider anymore. In general, my experiences with online dating have been good, but then I’m fairly brutal at eliminating bad matches (and of course, lucky that none of the guys I’ve met has been a liar).
Pretty much all of my boyfriends/flings (after high school) have been guys I met through okcupid. The one exception is a guy who was visiting a friend at my college campus from his college (2 hours away), who I met at a party, and we didn’t last longer than one trip each to each other, spread over a couple months. He ended up being a TOTAL ASSHOLE. If I’d been able to vet him online first, I would not have wasted the time in the first place.
Generally speaking, when I’m looking to date I’m looking for long-term partners. And it’s just not possible for me to gauge a person’s long-term suitability in person. There are things I like to know that I can’t really ask without coming off all awkward and/or stalkery. If a guy is non-atheist, allergic to cats, lives with his parents, car-less, living more than 15 miles from me, or a self-loather who likes to bang fatties but plans to keep me a secret from his friends and family, I need to be able to cross him off my list. It’s nice to get the vetting process out of the way before meeting someone, as opposed to after. I don’t like rejecting people or being rejected, so why not minimize it as much as possible?
Conversational compatibility and sexual attraction are important factors in the long-term success of my relationships, yes, but if there is a dealbreaker in the way then it doesn’t matter how compatible we are. I could be compatible as hell with a guy who happens to live halfway across the continent, but it doesn’t matter because I don’t do long-distance relationships anymore. I don’t believe in any romantic notions about love being able to move mountains or blahblahbullshit.
I’d rather be single than in another wholly inconvenient relationship. Situations like this are the bane of my existence. Spending any amount of time and money on meeting a guy with whom I seem to get along okay, but then finding out he actually lives in Chicago, 35 miles north of me, and doesn’t own a car. Okay, let’s not waste any more time or cash or words on each other. I’m not going to date a guy in that living situation, period, full stop, end of story. I’m not sorry, that’s just the way it is.
Online dating means I waste less travel time and money to meet potential boyfriends, and leave fewer hurt feelings behind me. Who could dislike that? If I die cold and lonely because I have too many rules, that’s fine. At least it was my decision.
I’m not sure which is the more intriguing part of that post; pursuing a career in international development, or the idea of a skee-ball league.
Seriously, a skee-ball league?