Oooh, that man. The ex, the babes, and cancelled visits.

The BBQ Pit
1

For the third time in about three weeks, the Ex has cancelled a visitation with the babies. First time: Due to pick them up at 4:00, calls at 4:10 with “I can’t get the kids. I’m tired.” Second: Pick up for an overnight scheduled at 5:00, calls at 4:50 with “Can’t get them tonight, feeling sick.”
But I’m overly trusting, so when he was scheduled to get them for a couple of hours on Sunday, I thought, well, you know, that he would actually GET THEM FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. From early morning, Tbone was asking to see his daddy. After Daddy called at noon to say he’d pick them up at 4:00, I felt safe in telling him that Daddy would be here at 4:00. Because Tbone is your typical four-year-old, I repeated this info no less than 25 times during the day.
So, 4:00 rolls around, and Tbone and the Weeping Princess are dressed and ready to go, waiting at the window for Daddy’s car. Except that Daddy doesn’t come. Instead, he calls at 4:30 and leaves a message with my older son that he isn’t coming. WP takes it in stride (she’s only 2 and doesn’t really understand), but Tbone is devastated and cries and cries, and must be taken on a hike by the olderpoets as a distraction.
And that night (and every night since), for the first time in a year and a half, he wants a bottle to take to bed with him. :frowning:

Ex’s rationale: “I had to work longer than I thought, and I just couldn’t get them.” Whatever the hell THAT means. (I checked, btw, he got off work at 4:00–one hour later than expected.) And besides, he says in an all-too-familiar defensive whine, when he signed Tbone up for swim lessons last year, I wouldn’t take the boy to the Y when he (the Ex) wanted to go drinking with his buddies instead! And besides that, HE was not the one who told Tbone he was coming, I was the one who told him, so looks like I am the one breaking promises, huh?!
Look, bozo. Parents have to PARENT, even when they’re tired or not feeling great or it’s inconvenient. If you PROMISE your kids you’re coming, you gotta do it, even if it’s just for a quick ride to the ice cream parlor. If nothing else, you should’ve talked to him on the phone and explained why you weren’t coming. He’s not even five years old, and he believes his daddy is the best daddy in the world, and I do NOT want to see that belief shattered by your self-centered behavior. This is not about me, this is not about the divorce or anything else that has happened between us, this is just about GOOD PARENTING. It’s high fucking time you got your priorities straight.

And now I have to figure out how to build some kind of schedule into the lives of my children without ever actually PROMISING them that things are going to happen on certain days. That’s a pretty tall order–I don’t want them to be disappointed when Daddy doesn’t come thorugh as scheduled, but neither do I want every day to be a game of not knowing for them–they deserve to have some routine, you know?

And now that I’m done ranting, I will just mention how very happy I am to be away from that man and the constant misery he creates in every environment he enters. Overall, I believe the kids are better off since the breakup, because at least when they’re with me (which is nearly always) they are in a healthy, happy environment with folk who treasure them, and they’re having an opportunity to learn about loving, respectful relationships.

When I get my divorce papers I may have them framed.

2

Is your ex a Mennonite? They have a stereotype for not being punctual. However, many believe that is an unfair generalization, and still others are undecided.

3

Amen sister.

His actions make me sad. Your’s lift me back up again.

4

Un-fucking-believable.

I am sometimes completely baffled that some other human beings can possibly be the same species, because they seem to be wired so completely differently.

My heart goes out to you and your children, bodypoet, and my middle finger goes out to your ex.
mad:

5

Bodypoet, I know how your children can feel. My mom and dad divorced about 2 years ago, and Dad hardly ever comes through for me. When I call him on it, the only way he knows how to solve the problem is to give me money. Money cannot replace love, and I am thankful to have a stepfather and mother who love me and are always there for me.
More power to ya, ** bodypoet**, for being a parent who really cares. Your ex sounds like a dick, and you’re blessed to be rid of him.

6

You know (and I don’t mean this as an indictment of you bodypoet), I’ve always wondered why pricks like the one mentioned in the OP can always seem to fool women into dating/marrying them whilst men who can’t even conceive of acting this childish remain single. Very strange.

7

Well, it’s all one in the same that brought the kids into being and continues to be problematical even now.

He’s a dick!

PS: Start keeping a log of all his missed custody appointments. You may be able to have your support payments increased by dint of proving all the extra care you are forced to provide.

8

God, that sounds like my childhood.

Dad always promised he was coming. His actually showing up was very, very rare. After a while, I started thinking it was because of me. I carried that with me for a long damn time. I wasn’t much older than Tbone.

9

Your dad hardly ever comes through for me, either. But he doesn’t give ME any money.

10

Reading your post almost brought a tear to my eye. FWIW when I first got divorced for about the first year I didn’t see my kid a whole lot either and like your Asshole Ex, I kept calling with excuses as to why I couldn’t see him. Why? You may ask. For me it was two reasons, !.) My kid used to be my best friend and at the time when I divorced; he was too young to understand why I left. At the time I was feeling too depressed and to guilty to even look my kid in the face. 2.) The few times that I did get my kid it was absolutely DEVESTATING to drop him back off at his Mom’s because he would always cry his ass off “Daddy don’t go!” yet I would have to.

Anyway I finaly came around and see my kid on a regular basis now and my life couldn’t be better becuase now I’m away from that crazy lady I was married to AND I still get to keep my best friend.

Hopefully your ex will come around too.

11

bodypoet, I feel for your kids. When my son’s father exited the picture, he didn’t spend a whole lot of time with him. He saw him once in awhile, and then his new girlfriend decided my son, at two years old, hadn’t been grateful enough at Christmastime and forbid his father from seeing him.

It’s been years since Mini2U has seen his father - he hasn’t called, he hasn’t written, he’s since divorced his new wife, he has paid $120 in child support over the last eleven years; I’ve been to court to force him, but he’s disappeared, according to the AZ authorities. I’m thinking of having him declared dead. And I’m not kidding. At least that way, Mr2U can legally adopt Mini2U, which is what they BOTH want.

Ex’s - some can be such scum. :frowning:

12

Oh, bodypoet, I’m so sorry.

Next time, I would not tell the children Daddy is coming. That way when he doesn’t show up they won’t be disappointed.

How anyone can deliberately hurt a child is beyond me.

If Sperm Donor doesn’t show up at 4pm, then at 4:01pm, you take the kids out the door to the park or the ice cream parlor yourself. Are their grandfathers in the picture? Have them spend time with Grandpa if possible.

Unfortunately, I think they’re going to learn the hard lesson that their father is a jerk. Try to ease them through that as much as you can, but you can’t pretty up the ugly truth. All you can do is make it as easy as possible for them. Don’t lie for your ex, though.

13

{{{Bodypoet and the little poets}}}

The last time my (now 19 yr old) heard from his biodad was a Christmas when he was 4. No presents, no card, nothing but a phone call. I was remarried and it was our first Christmas morning together. He promised my son to visit. He never did, and I basically read him the riot act, and threw him out of our lives forever. It wasn’t legal, but he didn’t know it. It was worth it. (No, I didn’t pursue child support either, even though I should have.) He was adopted by my husband finally at age 18 because we couldn’t locate him. It was finalized right before my husband passed away this past January.

Who needs the bums? Good luck to you.

14

Jeez, bodypoet. That sucks big time. Does your ex know how hurtful this is to TBone?

Thanks, SHAKES, for the insight from the other side of the fence. I’m glad, for both you and your child, you came around.

15

I, for one, would love to know the answer to this. Cause it doesn’t surprise me at all that so many men are jerks, as long as they can find women who are willing to put up with/put out for them. :mad:

16

Hey bodypoet allow me to introduce yo to my ex-wife. If you do a Pit search on my user name you’ll get a clearer picture, but let me just mention the latest in a long ass streak of self centered behavior. I have custody of our three boys, in addition, her older son (my stepson) also lives with me.

A couple of weeks ago, my family was burned out of our apartment. Since I knew this would make the news and I didn’t want anyone worrying, while the firemen were putting out the fire, I walked to a phone booth and called my Mom. I asked her toi call eveyone; brothers, sister, the kids other grandmother (My ex’s Mom) their other aunts (again her family) and Naomi’s family. I called her later and confirmed, she reached everyone. I addition I left a message on her cell phone.

Guess when I heard from her. Come on guess. No takers? Two fucking weeks later. She acted like she’d never heard a thing about it. I know for a fact she was told, her sister drives the local bus route where I have my business and has stopped in twice during that period to get updates, and she said she’d told her.

She also hasn’t offered a dime, hasn’t offered to visit the kids, nothing. Useless, utterly useless.

17

SHAKES, that took some courage to share. Thanks for supplying that perspective. I’m so glad you can talk about that as being in the past.

As for your ex, bodypoet, words fail me. I can understand how being tired or ill could make putting off visitation necessary, but what sort of dad wouldn’t also be busting his ass to set up an alternative time ASAP, with sincere apologies to all in the meantime? What passes for a commitment to parenting among some of our species is pretty fucking piss-poor.

18

Sadly, welcome to the ranks love.
I’ve gone through this from all sides of the fence.
As a child (same age as TBone) my father did the same thing to me. And at some point I realised my mother had a hand in it as well.
Dad would make plans to see us and then not show up. A few times mom would tell us he was comming when he really wasn’t just to turn us against him.
I remember one time dad was supposed to be there and I packed my bag to go, I was about six, and sat on the stairs waiting for him to show up. He never did.
I’m not sure what time it was, but it seemed like it was so late by the time my step-father picked my sleepy little person up off the stairs and took me to bed.
23 years later I went through the same thing with my son. I’ve told the story before about how he was hit by the car when he was 8.
It was fathers day, and his bio-dad said that as soon as he was done spending time with “his family” he would be over to visit Josh.
Josh was pretty much in a body cast and really couln’t leave my house so I told IT that I would have Josh bathed and in the back yard in his wheel chair and he could wheel him to the park or the closest greenspace for some alone time. Thinking it would make things more comfortable for both of them not to have to sit in my backyard.
He never showed. No call for three years and up until a few months ago.
My son with his broken little body sleeping in the back yard waiting for dad.
As I carried his sleepy little person up the stairs to bed he asked me to wake him if his dad happened to show up because maybe he was running late or maybe I had the day wrong.
I kissed him, told him I would, and went to my room and cried.
I cried for Josh, and I cried for myself.
My dad and I have a friendship now, and IT is seeing Josh again after taking me to court.
But he proved himself an ass again last month when Josh was in the hospital with a ruptured appendix. He called me the first day Josh was in and said he would be in after dinner and he never showed. Four days later he finally showed and only stayed for five minutes. I’m not sure what all happened since I took a break so they could have alone time.
When I see him go through this it brings my pain rushing back fresh as if it is happening to me all over again.
SHAKES, I can understand your point of view, and I am ever so happy that things changed for you.
Some non-custodial parents do not understand the damage they are doing to their children. I’m going on 32 and still feel the pain as fresh today as I did then. Some NCP do it to hurt the ex, and others do it to not feel their own pain and being reduced to a part time parent, or feel the loss of saying goodbye every weekend.
My current husband used both of those reasons, and I’m the one who took the first step at him seeing his daughter. He was in the service when they got divorced and signed the papers a few days before leaving for Saudi. When he came home he was told that his daughter had a new father since he couldn’t bother to come around.
For goodness sakes the man was fighting a war, and then was stationed either back in Germany or in California for the first four years of this childs life. The child (my 14 year old daughter) on some level believes dad didn’t want to see her.
That is true on a small level. He wasn’t even in this state for the first four years, and when he came back first he was told no, and then when it was a go it was too hard on him. Didn’t want to deal with ex, and didn’t want to feel the hurt for himself, or hurt his daughter.
I made the phone call the first year he and I were together and picked her up as a suprise for him on fathers day. We all bonded. Rocky for a while, but she is my daughter in everyway and almost nine years laters spends more time with us then with her bio-mom.
I directed Stuffy here, and hopefully he will a touch of his story as he is also in our shoes only he is the custodial parent with the NCP being a no show with loads of excuses. But I cannot speak for him and I think it would be best told from first person than third.
Karol, I know I missed you online the other day, but I would like to get with you now more than ever and make set plans for us to get together with all the little heathens and meet this summer someplace in the middle.
Give the littlepoets and extra big hug for me, and thank the olderpoets for me. I hope they realise just how important their roles and hike takings are. Hopefully it will build an even stronger bond between them all.
I’m sorry, I know I’m usually a long winded poster, but this subject is so emotionally hard for me. I feel for these children. Mine, yours, Stuffys, and all others who have been or are going through something like this.

19

Darn, I got so wrapped up in my own emotion I forgot I wanted to address this.
Missy2U, you might want to look into claiming abandonment. IIRC in my state, Iowa, it takes three months of no contact.
I’m not sure if you have to contact the state or a lawyer or both, but I remember a friend doing this and he had to post something in the paper about it for three months. If nobody makes contact contesting it goes through.
Ugh, I can’t think right now, but maybe I got the ball rolling in someone elses head and they could shed some light and head you in a direction.
Lots of hugs for the 2U family and I hope you all find the right path.

It’s parents like Mr2U, my step-father, Stuffy, his wife Nae, and on a starting level Todd who make the Brad Paisley song get to me everytime. “The Man He Didn’t Have To Be”.
Not rushing anything Bodypoet and Todd, but from the sounds of things you sound blissfully happy and he sounds great with the kids. Just letting you know I’m rooting for you! :wink:

20

So sorry bodypoet, and my heart breaks for your little man. I don’t envy you the job of trying to ease his mind in the face of his father’s cruelty.
This thread makes me so sad, that there are so many people–even in our little sample of the population–who have been hurt by their selfish parents or exes. My children are so important to me that the thought of even a couple days going by without being with them is unbearable. And yet their father behaves as if they don’t exist. He hasn’t even called since I was six months pregnant with the baby, who is now four months old. And child support? Ha! I’ve reached the point where I don’t even want him to call or come around ever–out of fear of exactly the kind of things mentioned in this thread. Better no father at all, IMO, than one who does nothing but hurt and dissapoint.