Shamus, I love you very much, but there are a few things we need to talk about. There are some things you do that do not make my life pleasant. They are listed as follows.
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The what I’m having that is on my plate does not taste any better than the what I’m having that I put in a little dish for you. The what I’m having that is in my mouth does not taste better than the what I’m having that is on my plate. Please do not attempt to remove food from my mouth.
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My tea/ginger beer/hot chocolate is for me to drink. It is not for you to put your cracker in. I know it is entertaining for you to put your cracker in my freshly-stirred tea and watch it go round and round, but it is not entertaining for me. Please do not put your cracker in my beverage.
-O’Brien the Budgie is much smaller than you. I realize that sometimes she can be annoying, with her flitting and jumping around, but she is also 1/8 your size, and you could very easily hurt her. If I see that she is bothering you, I will take her away. Please do not grab her by the neck and throw her down, or grab her by the wing feathers and swing her around. This is very frightening to her and upsetting to me.
- If you decide to take your afternoon nap on my shoulder, understand that I am not going to sit perfectly still to allow you to do so. Please do not get cranky with me if I wake you up by doing something silly like, oh, say, move. I am your owner, not your perch. If you do not want to be disturbed, then peep quietly and I will put you in your cage for your nap.
-I realize that you need to perform certain bodily functions first thing in the morning. Humans need to do this as well. Please take your gigantic early-morning dump before you start pestering me to get you out of your cage. I do not like it when you drop massive excretions on my pajama top.
That is all.
Thank you for your time.