What do you say to your best friend when she tells you she has been dating a married man for the past 3 years?
I know she loves him dearly and he is an amazing man, BUT I have a hard time believing she can handle playing second fiddle to his 15 year “open-marriage”. (Keep in mind that his wife has a boyfriend too). I say this, since she has expressed numerous times how she wants to settle down and have a family. So, what the hell is she doing with someone that can’t provide the lifestyle she wants?!
I know that this is the first man, besides her father, that has said, “I love you” to her. I know she has no expectations of him leaving his wife. Despite her current situation, the woman is not dense. She has a good career and is a beautiful person. I just don’t understand. I see it in her face that she she wants more, but doesn’t have the strength to leave him because he treats her well (and I am not talking about showering her with lavish gifts- she makes more bank then he does). Honestly, I don’t know what to say or do to help her.
Plus, I don’t understand this “open-marriage” business either. Most people spend a lifetime looking for their “soul mate” or “the one” and I can’t see why anyone would want to compromise that, or be so selfish to involve hurting anybody else in the process. I think it is complete bullshit, but that’s just my .02.
Any suggestions, input or personal experiences you’d like to share to help me understand this?
‘Open marriage’ - great option for those who, for whatever reason, want to be able to check the “married” box on a form, or scratch “get married” off their ‘to do’ lists.
“Hurting others” is not a fair accusation against those who advise their potential lovers of their status.
As to why your friend is confusing a husband for a potential husband - she’s in love.
The whole idea behind polyamory, free love, and open relationships is that mature human beings should not limit themselves to one partner anymore than they would one friend. Jealousy is not for the emotionally evolved, you see.
My own personal experience, however, has been that the women who get involved in open relationships get the short end of the stick. It’s the men who want to use it as an excuse to get casual sex outside of their relationship without any consequences. (Note: that’s just my experience - myself, friends, acquaintances, and personal accounts that I’ve heard and read. There may - and probably are - others who make this work.)
Your friend is stuck. The guy she’s with is never going to give her all that she needs in a relationship, because he already has one going. But, so long as she’s with him, she won’t be available when some other guy comes along.
I don’t know that there’s anything you can do other than be there as a friend. Maybe suggest counseling so that she can figure out the emotional issues that are bringing her into this. I know you said that she’s smart, but head-smarts and heart-smarts are two very different things.
Try not to judge her, and don’t run the guy down, because it won’t do any good. Be ready for her when she needs you, and keep reminding her that she deserves a whole lot more than the sporadic attentions of a married man.
Oh, no, I’m not judging her at all. I love her dearly and will always stand by her decisions. I am not saying you implied it, but our relationship is not the one in question. We have an amazing friendship. I didn’t get mad at her for keeping this a secret from me for the past three years, did I? I just don’t understand it.
As for the married man, I get along with him fabulously. He is intelligent, witty and fun to be around. I understand why she is in love with him. Really, I do. What I don’t comprehend is his lifestyle. For whatever reasons, having separate lovers seems to work in favor for him and his wife which keeps their relationship strong. I don’t get that because I am not wired that way. Sorry, to throw out a cliché, but to each their own, I suppose.
In my opinion, I don’t think my friend can handle this situation (then again she may surprise me). Maybe, she thought this man would never fall for her (she seems to always get dumped after 4 months), or vulnerability and loneness played a part of it. I am only guessing, so please, don’t quote me. I am making an ass out of myself for assuming her thoughts or motives. I’ll apologize in advance for that.
I am happy that she has finally experienced reciprocated love, but I can see how sad she is that the love she has found is restricted. I understand only that much.
It looks like it is time for me to start stocking the freezer with her favorite ice-cream. I have a feeling she is going to need it soon.
p.s. Thank you for your kind words and your input.
My guess is that once she gets used to the whole “he likes me! He really likes me!” vibe, she’ll start wanting more. Since he sounds like he’s been up front and honest with her, he’ll probably make it plain that he won’t give her more. Then, it’ll be up to her to figure out which has the higher emotional cost - sticking with him when she knows she’ll never have what she really wants or breaking up with him and going it on her own again.
I’m gonna recommend Dreyer’s Fudge Tracks ice cream either way.
“Dreyer’s Fudge Tracks” ice cream? Is it just me, or does that sound way too close to “Dreyer’s Skid Marks” ice cream?
Okay, back on topic, I had a dead-end relationship for three years, too. It wasn’t bad, but we had fundamental differences (literally) that prevented us from having any future together. I got tired of beating my head against a brick wall, ended the relationship, and am now happily married to my soulmate, whom I wouldn’t have found if I kept on wasting my time in a dead-end. Your friend is selling herself short. I hope she realizes that she is worth more than “settling”, which, in my opinion, is what she’s doing.
Haven’t some studies suggested that humans as a species aren’t monogamous, and that something like this is physically normal but socially unacceptable? I’m not sure of the validity of these hypotheses, though.
Okay, so the name isn’t too appetizing, but the ice cream is great - vanilla ice cream with swirls of fudge and miniature peanut butter cups. Maybe I should write the company and suggest a better name.
I think she has all ready hit that decision making point, since shes made me privy to her situation, I think this is her way of reaching out.
I can see how she is torn between finding what she wants verses what she has waited (practically) a lifetime to find.
I mean, how completely fucked up would you be if the first time somebody reciprocated love back to you, treated you amazingly and then you knew you could never build a life with him or her?
I know she set herself up in a way, but could you actually imagine how much that has got to hurt? It is inconceivable to me. I also know that we, as people, have no control over who we fall in love with. If we did we all might be in a better place.
I do think she is scared and that she’s settling too.
p.s. I have to try that ice-cream. Thanks, for the suggestion.
Oh, but I think I will substitute my shoulder for a box of Kleenix with lotion. My shoulders are really boney and they start to dig into you after a prolonged amount of time.
Don’t condemn that lifestyle just because the people you know have not had success with (or are in the process of being hurt by) it. There are a lot of people for whom polyamory does work.
For instance, I would imagine this guy NEVER tried to fool your friend into thinking he WASN’T married; it sounds as though he was honest with her from the get-go.
In a truly polyamorous relationship (I am not currently polyamorous, precisely, or at least I don’t THINK I am, but anyhow), the only thing that’s “missing” is “one person in love with one other person.” The “One” part. There are plenty of polyamorous relationships in which mutual love and respect between all parties involved is present and no one is “missing out” on ANYTHING.
If she is unable to share this man emotionally, yes, she has to give him up. Period. It’s not a character flaw and it’s not a Bad Thing. It’s just the way a person’s wired. If she’s not wired that way…she needs to get out NOW, because he IS wired that way and she will never have the variety of fulfillment that she needs.
phouka: My hubman is more wired to be monogamous. I am more wired to be polyamorous. Over the years we have both learned to tweak here and there and compromise…but any compromise which has been reached has not been the result of him wanting to fool around. So here’s one, anyhow.
Oh it can be completely fucked indeed. I know from personal experience. ('cept in my case she was not married). It took her moving a great distance away for me to get moving on along with my life. It was a very confusing painful time in my life.
I shall leave it at that, I am trying to cut back on my rambling on public message boards. (if your a glutton for rambling e-mail, my address is on my profile)
Worse still, my story did not end with that. Six years later, she came back. It was then very possible for a relationship to work.
I then proceeded to screw that up. THAT is even more difficult to deal with. I dream of such a possibility for years then flop at the oportunity sigh
damn it I am rambling…
I’ll stop now.
Your friend is lucky to have someone as caring as you around.
This is sort of what I was replying to above…you CAN build a life with a polyamorous person. It’s just not the standard “One guy one girl” (or variations on that “one/one” theme) life that people have been taught to believe in. I’ve heard of people building very rich and fulfilling lives with this type of family.
Others can correct me if I’m wrong, but the guy isn’t cheating on his wife if it’s an open marriage; cheating implies that there was a monogamous bond which isn’t the case with open marriage. Now, if he thinks it’s an open marriage, and has never mentioned the idea to his wife, well, that’d be a different story.
Others can correct me if I’m wrong, but the guy isn’t cheating on his wife if it’s an open marriage; cheating implies that there was a monogamous bond which isn’t the case with open marriage. Now, if he thinks it’s an open marriage, and has never mentioned the idea to his wife, well, that’d be a different story.
If you read the op, it did say that she was told, and that the wife also has her own lover.
There has been so much judgement in this thread.
Why is there so much fear regarding anything that is not a standard monogamous relationship?
Why do I say fear? Well, with the hostility I see here, as well as the fire and brimstone I’ve read from some of the posters, I really think that there is a fear factor in making oneself vulnerable through going beyond monogamy to polyamory.
I think that while stifflers mom is well meaning, she has already laid a judgment down about her friend’s relationship, the man she is with, and the judgement of the friend.
I question how much that stifflers mom can really be there for her friend when she has such a dim view of the relationship and the friend who has it. Perhaps this is the reason that her friend did not tell her about the relationship for three years.
If you read the op, it did say that she was told, and that the wife also has her own lover.
There has been so much judgement in this thread.
Why is there so much fear regarding anything that is not a standard monogamous relationship?
Why do I say fear? Well, with the hostility I see here, as well as the fire and brimstone I’ve read from some of the posters, I really think that there is a fear factor in making oneself vulnerable through going beyond monogamy to polyamory.
I think that while stifflers mom is well meaning, she has already laid a judgment down about her friend’s relationship, the man she is with, and the judgement of the friend.
I question how much that stifflers mom can really be there for her friend when she has such a dim view of the relationship and the friend who has it. Perhaps this is the reason that her friend did not tell her about the relationship for three years.
Or her friend was embarrassed shitless (and rightly so, IMHO)about being in some sort of bizarre Caligulan relationship, and didn’t want her (presumably) normal friend to know.
