*I believe in the Church of Baseball.
I've tried all the major religions
and most of the minor ones--I've
worshipped Buddha, Allah, Brahma,
Vishnu, Siva, trees, mushrooms,
and Isadora Duncan...
I know things. For instance–
There are 108 beads in a Catholic
rosary. And--
There are 108 stitches in a
baseball.
When I learned that, I gave Jesus
a chance.
But it just didn't work out between
us The Lord laid too much guilt
on me. I prefer metaphysics to
theology.
You see, there's no guilt in
baseball...and it's never boring.
Which makes It like sex.
There's never been a ballplayer
slept with me who didn't have the
best year of his career.
Making love is like hitting a
baseball--you just got to relax
and concentrate.
Besides, I’d never sleep with a
player hitting under .250 unless
he had a lot of R.B.I.'s or was a
great glove man up the middle.
A woman's got to have standards.
The young players start off full
of enthusiasm and energy but they
don’t realize that come July and
August when the weather is hot
it’s hard to perform at your peak
level.
The veterans pace themselves
better. They finish stronger.
They're great in September.
While I don't believe a woman
needs a man to be fulfilled, I do
confess an interest in finding
the ultimate guy--he'd have that
youthful exuberance but the
veteran's sense of timing...
Y’see there’s a certain amount of
“life-wisdom” I give these boys.
I can expand their minds.
Sometimes when I've got a
ballplayer alone I'll just read
Emily Dickinson or Walt Whitman
to him. The guys are so sweet--
they always stay and listen.
Of course a guy will listen to
anything if he thinks it's
foreplay.
I make then feel confident. They
make me feel safe. And pretty.
What I give them lasts a life-
time. What they give me lasts
142 games. Sometimes it seems
like a bad trade
but bad trades are part of baseball--
who can forget Frank Robinson for
Milt Pappas, for Godsakes!
It's a long season and you got to
trust it.
I’ve tried them all–I really
have–
and the only church that truly
feeds the soul--day in, day out--
is the Church of Baseball.*