Maybe I should have phrased it more like a question…how did the tallies work in the original story? And how did you intend to rescue the scientist?
Also, It’s not a detraction, just an amusing observation, but arm tallies inevitably make me think of Dr Who’s villian The Silence lol.
Ha! While I love me my Dr. Who, I’m not a avid watcher. If you give me the episode/season, I’d love to watch it.
Working in the french poem which after the first draft was able to find ways to rework the entire story working in symbolism to the very themes of the poem.
Unfortunately, the poem itself is considered to be the one most open to interpretation, and while I had my own interpretation, largely in line with the popular concensus, my original paraphrasing of the poem within my story had to be drastically edited in order to hit the 2000 word count (among other places).
In doing so, I had to take a few liberties with the actual source, but it’s pretty close. In the poem, the Knight (Tristan) actually carves his monogram, and other vague markings or notches. It’s not explicit in the poem what these carvings actually were and has been open to plenty of opinions of debate, but I like the idea he carved in notches that were notes which composed their song, or lai, that only the Queen (Iseult) would recognize, allowing her to remover herself from her ever-watching entourage, and into freedom with Tristan. The notes essentially representing an equation, while also a not so literally tally of how they might rendezvous in the future, until the King (Mark), would absolve Tristan, as he was regretful of the exile to begin with, but due to propriety of his day, felt obligated.
So, In trying to simplify it for brevity, I decided to make these carvings the notches of a flute (although, in the poem it’s never stated as an instrument, but it’s mentioned in the rest of the lais, he’s an harpist), in which would play out their song, and offer that same sort of image without having to try to outline the above in so many words.
For those interested, here’s the short poem that inspired my story (translated to English), hopefully far more symbology will jump out than just the tally marks.
Rosé Reflections
I like the ending, the woman having found her idea. At only 704 words, the writer could have spent a bit more time with the story, such as giving her a name, a reason for downing so much wine, and told us something about Rick. Points all round for incorporating all three words and the picture, and for staying under the word limit. It read very smoothly to me, with only one line in the whole piece that seemed awkward. I liked the nature imagery inspired by the picture—most of us went to something science/sci-fi.
Shards
I found this one to be a little unsatisfying as a reader. The story just… ends. I didn’t really see how the picture was incorporated. I felt that we should have learned more about The Flowers of the Lord, as that was the most interesting part of the story for me. It was introduced, and didn’t seem to be explored. A bit of trouble with the punctuation threw me “out” of the story and made me notice the mechanics of the writing more than I would have if those weren’t there. I noticed this one had the lightning/lightening mix-up. I did like the play on “sharp ears”.
Magic
Inventive use of the image, a well-constructed plot. Under the word count, just, but it felt like it was a full story, even at the short length. I felt like there could be just a bit more after the climax—just a final note after the peak. Imaginative. Some of the dialogue wasn’t as natural as it could have been, but with a tight word limit, I think we have to have characters move plot/explanation along that way. I thought the characters were a bit over-the-top—super-achievers, so they felt unreal to me, soap opera characters. I didn’t buy an 800 million dollar wedding, rumour or not! But the story kept me reading, and that’s the mark of doing what a story should do.
Chevrefoil
I didn’t notice one of the prompt words, lightening, appearing in the tale. A little over the word limit. Didn’t quite get what was happening with the notches, etc., but a better sci-fi story than I could come up with! It wasn’t exactly clear to me what was happening until the end, and even now I’m a bit lost on how repeating the experiment over and over will solve their dilemma. Good science-y jargon. It kept me reading to find the significance of elements as they were introduced.
The metafiction detective and the case of the catoptric algorithm cosmorama
I liked this story with the mix of philosophy, science fiction, love, and hope. I liked the optimistic ending. I liked the last few lines very much. “Lightening” is not the same as “lightning”, however!
The state of panic
This one didn’t work for me as well as the others, given its almost abstract form. It was hard to figure out what was going on—who the story was about, what was happening, and such. I felt like I too was wandering around with no bearings.
The Army of Archimedes
This was imaginative, exciting, and full of action. The story move right along, and has a plot. But the long sentences and lack of commas made it hard to read. There was also some tense (grammatically) confusion. A nice ending: who doesn’t like a happy ending + romance? I am envious of the author’s ability to come up with a story that quickly progresses from scene to scene, always forward, and then resolves at the end. Break up those really long sentences, though, and try for more natural sounding dialogue.
Not a Fun House
I liked this one. It read very smoothly, and naturally, incorporated the three words and picture, and just tugged me into the story and along for the ride. I liked the narrator, and the setting.
Congratulations to all the writers! I am envious of you who have such good plots and imaginations. As always, it’s so interesting to see where writers go from the same starting points. Kudos to all for taking the challenge, meeting it, and having the courage to put your work out there for the rest of us. Thanks to Le Ministre de l’au-delà for all the work of running the contests.
It’s close to the end:
[QUOTE=cmyk]
Four red lines with a diagonal slash striking through, and one more line beside it.
Realization dawned on Tristan’s face, his revelation almost lightened the room.
“We’ve done this six times? Six times!” As Tristan was taking it in, Miles wore a knowing smile.
[/QUOTE]
RE: Word Count, huh. My editor’s counter said 2000 exactly. :scratches head:
Anyhow, thank you for the comments!
:smack: I didn’t use “-ing”. sigh
I’d pasted into Word; it may not have been accurate in its count. I missed “lightened”! The story was good. It was a really interesting mix of the archaic and the futuristic.
I hope to have time tomorrow (Monday) to put my thoughts together on the other stories and post them. For me, that is the best part - to get comments from others so you can see what worked and what didn’t work.
As my own worst critic, I like reading what others have to say that reinforces what I suspected, or surprises me with something I never noticed or should have noticed. The beauty of these exercises for me is the time limit…I can nitpick and edit for ages and never finish a damned thing. This forces me to wrap it up and submit it, huge warts and all. And although I always run into the same problem - far more than 2000 words - this does force me to go back and literally slice word-for-word out of the story to get it back down to the limit. That can be painful and cause a lot of problems for continuity and mood and characterization - but that is how I learn best.
So bear with me until I post my comments, and then I will also comment on what others have said (and thank you all in advance for your input!).
Short Story Grading Scale
25 pts. Intro – does the story have a dynamic Intro that grabs me and makes me want to read more?
25 pts. Body – does the story move along in a readable, coherent and interesting manner?
25 pts. Conclusion – does the story have a satisfying, interesting, surprising or otherwise solid ending?
25 pts. Personal Opinion – did I like it? Just my opinion – and worth little other than to say I liked or didn’t like it.
Rose Reflictions
Intro – You set the mood quite nicely! Already know a bit about the young woman and what may be a hangover? I wanted to learn more. You might have added some inner thought, “Where am I – oh yeah, now I remember…” or something that brought us into the mind of the character. 21 pts.
Body – it was a nice train of thought process of what an artist might go through when coming up with a new idea…noticing small things and then putting them into perspective and then formulating an idea. Nice job – but a tad on the short side. You might have added some personal aspect – remembering the blue skies of her youth with her (grandfather or lover or dog or whomever) and something that may have happened and how this moment is reflecting back into her present life. But as they say, short but sweet. 24 pts.
Conclusion – the story sort of just ended. I did like the reflection in the glass, but there could have been some verbal reflection or a comment as well. 20 pts.
My 2 cents – I liked this brief glimpse into the artist’s thought process, but feel there could have been a lot more. Maybe I am just envious that you didn’t need half the words that I did, but still think a bit more would have been better in this case. You did create a very nice mood though. 22 pts.
Total: 87 pts
Shards
Intro – you grabbed me right off the bat…you nailed that time of youth when you think you can get one over on grandma or grandpa, but don’t realize they are 100 steps ahead of you! Made me smile. 25 pts.
Body – nice tale and great atmosphere and setting (although you did what I almost did and mistook “lightening” with “lightning”). Still, I wanted to be a kid and curl up on your lap and have you tell me that wondrous story too! Not quite sure why the ”Flowers of the Lord” cult was mentioned – twice no less – and that just seemed out of place unless it related to some other part of the story – which it didn’t. Did this end up on the cutting floor? I did like admitting to the First Lady you voted for the “other guy”! 22pts
Conclusion – very satisfying and wrapped it up nicely. 25 pts.
My 2 cents – all in all, a really nice story. Liked it a lot. 25 pts.
Total: 97 pts
Chevrefoil
Intro – excellent intro! Got my attention right off the bat. 25 pts.
Body – OK, so here is my problem…I really like the set up, and I really liked the explanation – but I sorely missed the fun of actually being somewhere, or doing something, when reading about time travel. I donno – maybe a few funny references to “whodathunk that Linsday Lohan would become Governor of California!?” or “Wow, visiting the planet Zoolan was wild – you can fly on silver unicorns!” or whatever. It just seemed like we were getting the “unfun” side of the travel experience. 20 pts.
Conclusion – nice swing back to the “honey – suckle” word play and you brought him back, again. 22 pts.
My 2 Cents – I am an old fuddy-duddy, and probably a cockeyed optimist, but would love to have had just a tad more fun joining in the travel aspect, and not just be sitting there at the airport, so to speak, watching others go off on adventures I never get to join in nor hear about. 20pts.
Total: 87 pts
The metafiction detective and the case of the catoptric algorithm cosmorama
Intro – good job of setting up the characters and their relationship in a few short sentences! 25 pts.
Body – OK, so here is where the real paradox begins…at the beginning, it sounded like a conversation between two stoners in a dorm at Brigham Young University (how’s that for an image?). I was just about to doze off when, finally, the story picked up steam and got to the point of the wondrous discovery! That part perked me right back up! 20 pts.
Conclusion – very, very nice…and here I wish that you had actually cut out some of the words in the beginning and taken us on the real journey of flight, or at least carry on the dance and let the characters live and breathe and soar off into the sunset! Still – a nice end, just wish it had been filled with a bit more. 23 pts.
My 2 Cents – other than the somewhat verbose philosophical babble in the beginning, I really liked the direction and tone of the story. Very uplifting in every respect. 23pts
Total: 91 pts
Show Me
Intro – fun, witty and my, my…what a wild woman and a glass of wine can conjure up in her thoughts! 25pts.
Body – you really have a knack for getting into the character. I knew this woman well by the end of the story – I knew what she felt about her job and her career and how she felt about her co-workers…and all the while, she kept her wit and wry sense of humor and she is apparently one horny broad (pure fiction, I know) and a rather clever horny broad as well! Kept me reading and enjoyed quite a few of the throw-away lines: “…she told the backyard…”, “…summer gin…” A very pleasant read! 25 pts
Conclusion – wrapped it up quite nicely in a tight little bow, although are we to imply this was going to be just a summer fling on her part, due to the comment “she will have all winter to read good books”? Good job! 25pts.
My 2 Cents – I am envious….you did everything I didn’t do in my story – you moved the plot along and kept the soul of the characters alive, even allowing a few fun comments to be tossed in along the way. Excellent job! 25 pts
Total: 100 pts.
The State Of Panic
Intro – I was a bit confused. I somehow assumed “traveler” was a Romanian Gypsy or another person, and then I had to read the opening again. Sort of still confused about what is happening there. 19 pts.
Body – OK, once again – perhaps I am just dense – but was this all a vision, or actual movement, or just some madness in front of the machine? Reflections on lost times and lost opportunities? Maybe I got the story, but I was thrown back and forth and had to read through the story twice and still wasn’t all that sure I got it. Sorry – but maybe my head just isn’t/wasn’t in the right place for this story at this time. 20 pts.
Conclusion – still a bit unsteady in my understanding, but did realize that the even was over and a calm had settled. That was good to hear. 21 pts.
My 2 Cents – perhaps this was simply not my style or I am too rigid in my thought processes, but this story sort of confused me big time. As a decent into madness, it worked well – but for a cohesive sense of realization and re-evaluation, well I think it missed by a hair. 20 pts.
Total: 80 pts.
The Army of Archimedes
Intro – nice little play on English vs ‘Merican….got my attention and wanted to keep reading. 23 pts.
Body – hmm, a series of mirrors to be used as a weapon….gee, where have I read that before? Oh yeah, my own story! What can I say – great minds think alike? Yours was different from mine in many ways, but I did like your two “spies” and they had some nice back and forth (in every respect) going on. Good little solution to the puzzles as well. 25 pts.
Conclusion – sweet love story conquers all. 23pts.
My 2 Cents – good story, kept my attention and zipped right through with no lulls. 25pts.
Total: 96 pts
Not a Fun House
Intro – decent start, but could have used something more dynamic. You set the scene, but it might have been better to start off with more action – perhaps something like “We rattled down the country road, the air scented with honeysuckle, headed to the county carnival, and I am still not sure why the cool guys took me, a skinny geek, along for this ride.” It would have set up a slight edge in the beginning that hinted what was to come….just a suggestion. 22 pts.
Body – lots happening, but you were able to keep all of the action centered and focused. Pretty easy to follow – might have been fun to add a few more images and horror, but I know with the word constraint, that can be a challenge. Kept the story moving at a nice clip. 24 pts.
Conclusion – you got the ending just right – quick and to the point. 25 pts.
My 2 Cents – I liked this story. Again, would have preferred a few more quick flashes into what each character saw, but that would have been tricky to put those scenes in there. 24pts.
Total: 95 pts.
Bump!
We need your votes people!
Read and vote! Toy with our sensitive, artistic natures. Watch us squirm and bleed. Or blush, depending.
The stories are short and won’t take you long. What a fun way to pass an early summer evening! Fetch a cold drink, a comfy chair, inside or out, and enjoy some fine fiction.
I’d be happy if just all the people who voted also commented…
I’ve read, I’ve voted, and I will comment, I promise! 
I haven’t voted yet, I need to finish just a few more stories. Promise to have comments on everybody’s too.
Finished the last story just in time to vote! Whew, great work everyone.
I hope to post my comments before tomorrow…
Congrats DMark! Well deserved.
And I think I’m going to steal your grading system for my reviews. 
The poll is closed, and I now have the honour to present our winner. But first, let me take a moment to acknowledge all of our writers. In order of appearance, they are
EmilyG
Baker
DMark
cmyk
jackdavinci
Savannah
slackbaby
GIGObuster and**
chrisk**. Take a well deserved bow, everybody!
And our winner is DMark, whose intriguing mystery Magic was chosen as the favourite among our readers. DMark was also the winner of our May, 2012 contest.
I’d also like to take a moment to thank The Mods for their ongoing assistance and support. These contests always seem to generate extra work for them, and their help is greatly appreciated.
Now I’d like to encourage everyone to add their commentary to the stories - it’s wonderfully helpful to hear from someone who is not an editor, agent or fellow writer, but rather, a reader. It’s not an opportunity that writers get very often, and it’s one of the very fun things about these contests on the SDMB.
Congratulations, DMark! Well done!
It is really not false modesty when I say that a number of these stories were equally, if not more, worthy of being chosen.
Thank you all!
I would also like to give a hearty thank you to Le Ministre de l’au-delà, especially considering he was not even able to submit his own story this time! Talk about dedication and altruism! And as he mentioned, a special thank you to the Mods for helping fiddle around with fixing little things as this thread was pieced together.
More importantly, I hope others take a few minutes to comment on all the stories. This is really the value of these exercises; feedback. I know that I find it interesting to hear what worked and didn’t work.
I am already looking forward to the next Short Story Contest, and hope for more entries and more readers and more voters! It really is a fun exercise to get the creative juices flowing and practice writing and editing, editing and editing some more.
I am running a bit short of time today, but will respond to the individual comments about my story in the next day or so, so keep those comments coming!
Gah, work as always is soaking up my free time, but I’ve begun to compose a couple reviews… hopefully something over the weekend.
Just to throw in a question - for the writers, I’m curious to hear what you would change in your own story for a second draft.