Oprah Winfrey - Eat Me

The BBQ Pit
1

Hello. I’m jarbabyj…you might know me from such rants as John Madden: Puke Face and Eat Hot Death You Old Bat.

Today, I must simply vent my frustrations on the Goddess of All Things Feel Good: Oprah GodDamnCocksuckingMotherFucking Winfrey

Oprah. I hate you. No, I’m not jealous of you. You’re TOO famous to be jealous of. OK, I guess I’m lying, you’re right, I wish I could be a fucking brainwashing cult leader, dictating to millions of housewives what they should eat, wear, think, read, feel on every issue.

I wish I could convince everyone to send me their spare fucking change while wearing three carat diamond earrings. I wish I could look out at 50 million people and say “We love barbequed potato chips, don’t we?” and have everyone cheer.

Hey Oprah: Angel Network my ass. ANGEL NETWORK? Pawn off one or two of your jewels instead of begging viewers to send in change to give to the homeless.

And don’t even begin on the fucking book club, twatclamp. You know what bitch? DON’T FUCKING TELL ME WHAT TO READ. I am perfectly capable of picking out books and deciding what books are good or not. I am not a frigging HarpoCyborg awaiting your instruction. To put it plainer, “YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME” ** “Lord, I Went To Heaven and Licked Clean All The Pots”** by Wally Lambfucker isn’t my idea of a good book. Is that OK? Am I allowed to read something else, Goddess Of The Windy Place? And while we’re at it, how about advising your fucking drones to read CLASSIC LITERATURE instead of sappy, neo feminist “sit around and talk about my mother with a cup of coffee and a shawl” bullshit?

Why don’t you read and discuss Les Miserables? Tale of Two Cities? The Jungle? or new classics like A Prayer For Owen Meany? OR ARE THOSE BOOKS TOO HARD TO READ? Too much big words for your pretty little head?

How quickly everyone forgets that you used to be just as bad as Jerry Springer. You had Transvestite Hookers on your show every fucking week until you decided to become a haughty, pretentious, make-martha-stewart-look-like-a-real-peach whoreface.

You are not the savior of all mankind

You are just a silly cuntface.

Take Dr. Phil and shove him up your tight, smarmy asshole.
jar

2

Do you think that “Wally Lambfucker” is a penname?

3

Fight!
Fight!
Fight!
Fight!
Fight!
Fight!

Kick her ass! Woooo!

:smiley:

4

Preach On Sister!

[sub] I hate Oprah[/sub]

5

jarbabyj, I just wish you would come right out and say what you really mean.

6

Oprah did select Jonathan Frantzen’s The Corrections, which has been nominated for the National Book award and has received rave reviews. However, the egomaniaical Frantzen dissed Ms. Winfrey’s Book Club as being beneath him, since he is a “high-art” writer who deosn’t want his deathless words read by the proles. What a mook.

anyway, jarbaby, you’re being much too harsh. The books Oprah picks are definitely not my cup of chai, but neither are they trash. She selected a book by Toni Morrison, a Nobel prize winner, for her book club to read. The people who follow her book club are bored housewives who are being exposed to books with more depth than the Harlequin romances they would otherwise be reading.

7

I have to admit, I was a little worried when I read the title of this thread… my first thought was, “With a little barbecue sauce, I wouldn’t get too close to her, or she probably would!” :smiley:

[sub]Go get 'er, jar![/sub]

8

cut
open Word
new document
paste
print
tape on fridge for wife to see
hide

9

Jarbaby, can’t you like, get kicked out of Chicago for writing that? I’d watch your back. Her spies are everywhere.

See, last week I was rejoicing. Jonathan Franzen, author of The Corrections, was thinking of TURNING OPRAH DOWN when she chose his book to be in her book club. He was (understandably) uncomfortable about her name and logo appearing on his book. What the fuck did Oprah I’m Holier Than All Of You Put Together have to do with writing his book? Why should her name be on the cover of his life’s work? Someone had stood up to her and said “I don’t want to be associated with you and your treacly self-help crap, and I certainly don’t want to have dinner with your cult of velour sweatsuit and headband wearing housewives who believe in angels.” He wanted his publishers to agree to print 1/2 the copies without the giant yellow “O” on them. It was a decision that doubtless had his publishers reaching for their heart medication, but a decision that reeked of artistic integrity.
But now he’s crawling on his belly before Oprah, Queen of Horrid Hair That Parts Like The Red Sea and apologizing to her. One is forced to wonder whether she dispatched her minion Dr. Phil to verbally abuse him into taking responsibility for his life, leaving the painful lessons of the past behind, and opening a new dialogue within his relationships[sup]tm[/sup].

I always have mixed feelings about the book club. Part of me is just glad that her fans are turning off their televisions long enough to read an actual book. She is using her enormous influence to get people reading, unlike Martha Stewart, who uses hers to get people to create custom-designed symmetrical birdsnests for the birds in their well-groomed yards. Still, the same instinct that tells me not to eat the yellow snow tells me not to read the yellow “O.”

So fuck you, Oprah. Fuck you for getting Matt Damon to break up with Minnie Driver on national television. Fuck Dr. Phil sideways with a deck chair. Fuck you for making people cry. Fuck your best friend Gail and your eternal fiance Stedman. Fuck Harpo Productions. And fuck Lifetime Television for Women.

10

Holy cult, Koresh! I just realized that Harpo is Oprah backwards. %&*$#!

She is intent on world domination, and she’s using subversive mind control to do it. Angel Network. Doesn’t that sound too fucking close to Heaven’s Gate?

Where’d I put my kool-aid. I’m checkin’ out early.

11

If I may, I’d like to quote an Oprah book club drone who said:

“this book was so good, I read it while I watched t.v.!”

and how about when Mr. Jar worked at borders and a woman came in saying:

“I need the latest Oprah book.”

Boy: What’s the title?

“I don’t know! It’s blue…don’t you have it?”

Slow Down! Genius At Work.

and gobear:

Please. Why don’t those women who are so interested in reading haul their asses over to the library and think for themselves then?

jar

12

Why the objection to Oprah’s logo on the front cover of the book? The publisher’s colophon is on the book, too, even though they didn’t write it either. If anybody should be pissed, it’s the cover’s illustrator.

Frantzen is a pompous, elitist schmuck who dissed Oprah becuase he didn’t want his “high-art” novel read by the Great Unwashed. He’s a member of the It’s The Public’s Job To Appreciate Me club, and he is a jackass.

Mind you, I think Oprah’s touchy-feely, pop psychology, Iyanala Van Zandt-idolizing, show is annoying, which explains why I don’t watch it. But she has done wonders for the sales of serious novels and she gets people reading. That, in my book, is a Good Thing.

13

Don’t forget Oprah’s Oxygen network, with their yoga and Candice Bergen.

Do these women always have to drink coffee out of oversized cups and sit in big poofy chairs or couches with their feet on them?

Does Oprah get periodic nip and tucks, then do a bunch of photo shoots so she can be skinny in the for her magazine?

I’m fat, I’m skinny, I’m fat, I’m skinny, I’m fat, I’m skinny.

DOn’t worry about it. Just be you. I’d accept it if she wouldn’t make a big deal out of it all the time. Don’t tell us how you lose weight because you always put it back on. Obviously it’s not working. If anyone can be skinny, it’s you with your army of trainers, chefs, and assistants. Give ideas to the lady who works full time with 4 kids to look after on a shoestring budget who has good reasons to get fast food because there’s no time.

14

She gets people reading what SHE WANTS THEM TO READ, not books that they picked out for themselves.

When I was in highschool, I used to go to the library and just wander around the aisles, reading book jackets until something appealed to me. I developed my own tastes.

jar

15

It is called Photoshop, my good fellow. One can do wonders with it.

16

But the first books you read were probably assigned. Then you discovered you liked reading and took off on your own. The same thing happens to people who read some Oprah Book Club books. You’re assuming that they are all mindless drones.

And even if there are a few people who will only read Oprah books – who cares? You seem to want to substitute your judbment of what to read for Oprah’s.

I don’t particularly care for Oprah’s show and I’ll probably never read one of the books on her list, but this discussion seems to be turning decidedly elitist.

17

Am I the only one here who got an immediate mental picture of some bizaare 18th century medical implement?

::shiver:: Thanks, jarbaby.

18

Hey, Gobear, I’M a “pompous, elitist schmuck ,” too, and the bitch never picks any of MY books!

Dammit . . . In my next biography, I’m going to have Kay Kendall communing with the spirit of Pocahantas, being reincarnated as a cat, having her dead mother appear before her as an angel, and sipping Café Vienna in front of the fire while listening to Yanni records. I’m going to title the damn book, “Oprah Book Club Selection.”

And the bitch STILL won’t pick it.

19

Hey, Eve, welcome back, you have been sorely missed. I agree, Oprah should pick your books. Platinum Blond is one of the best biographies I have ever read. I look forward to reading your Kay Kendall book.

20

I believe the reason she did Toni Morrison was because she was starring in a movie, based on the book Beloved.

I hate Oprah. I also hate Rosie. Good god, they suck.

I say start your OWN talk show, jarbabyj. We would all watch. You could have Eve hawk her books on the show. You could have a topic about trolls, circumcision, talk about Cecil, etc etc.