I’m convinced that there is a cadre of vampires in Hollywood and show business.
You know who I mean… those celebrities who appear to never age. But of course, the real vampires don’t suffer from all of those fatal achilles heels that are stereotypes from 1950’s b-movies… Garlic? They love it. Mirrors? Even more. Stakes thru the heart? Well, duh… you’d have a bad, day, too if someone lodged an oversized splinter in your meat pump.
Dick Clarke, of course, is their chief. He hasn’t aged since 1968, when he was converted to the dark side by a contract with the Devil that cost him his immortal soul.
For you see, this is the chief characteristic of the vampire celebrity: they do not age, they look the same for decades… and I dare predict, centuries.
Do not confuse this with plastic surgery. Farrah Fawcett and Bo Derek are plastic surgery poster children. They are not undead. Even if they do have no talent.
The second main characteristic is that, since they have no souls, they also have no talent. But beware, just because they have no talent does not mean they are undead. Look at Pamela Anderson, for instance. No talent, but clearly a plastic surgeon’s cash cow.
The list of undead celebrities is short, but other undead celebrities I’ve identified thru endless research (consisting of obsessive viewing of E!, Entertainment Tonight, and Celebrity Justice) are:
- Dick Clarke, already mentioned.
- Bob Eubanks. Perfectly Preserved. Second in the heirarcy to Dick.
- Stephanie Edwards. (I believe she was converted by Bob after the 1989 Rose Parade, underneath the bleachers in the Norton Simon parking lot.)
- Sherman Hemsley. Hasn’t changed a bit.
- Suzanne Somers. Just look at her.
- Dallas Raines, KABC-TV Weatherhimbo.
So, who are the other undead celebrities? And who are the ones that may have made the conversion, but haven’t been around long enough to be suspect. (From what I’ve heard about Catherine Zeta Jones, I wouldn’t be suprised if she’d leap at the chance. Same goes for Tom Cruise.)
I’m thinking… maybe…
And what about Cher? She arguably has some talent, but doesn’t appear to have changed much since The Mask.