Out The Celebrity Undead!

Cafe Society
1

I’m convinced that there is a cadre of vampires in Hollywood and show business.

You know who I mean… those celebrities who appear to never age. But of course, the real vampires don’t suffer from all of those fatal achilles heels that are stereotypes from 1950’s b-movies… Garlic? They love it. Mirrors? Even more. Stakes thru the heart? Well, duh… you’d have a bad, day, too if someone lodged an oversized splinter in your meat pump.

Dick Clarke, of course, is their chief. He hasn’t aged since 1968, when he was converted to the dark side by a contract with the Devil that cost him his immortal soul.

For you see, this is the chief characteristic of the vampire celebrity: they do not age, they look the same for decades… and I dare predict, centuries.

Do not confuse this with plastic surgery. Farrah Fawcett and Bo Derek are plastic surgery poster children. They are not undead. Even if they do have no talent.

The second main characteristic is that, since they have no souls, they also have no talent. But beware, just because they have no talent does not mean they are undead. Look at Pamela Anderson, for instance. No talent, but clearly a plastic surgeon’s cash cow.

The list of undead celebrities is short, but other undead celebrities I’ve identified thru endless research (consisting of obsessive viewing of E!, Entertainment Tonight, and Celebrity Justice) are:

  • Dick Clarke, already mentioned.
  • Bob Eubanks. Perfectly Preserved. Second in the heirarcy to Dick.
  • Stephanie Edwards. (I believe she was converted by Bob after the 1989 Rose Parade, underneath the bleachers in the Norton Simon parking lot.)
  • Sherman Hemsley. Hasn’t changed a bit.
  • Suzanne Somers. Just look at her.
  • Dallas Raines, KABC-TV Weatherhimbo.

So, who are the other undead celebrities? And who are the ones that may have made the conversion, but haven’t been around long enough to be suspect. (From what I’ve heard about Catherine Zeta Jones, I wouldn’t be suprised if she’d leap at the chance. Same goes for Tom Cruise.)

I’m thinking… maybe…

David Hasselhoff?

And what about Cher? She arguably has some talent, but doesn’t appear to have changed much since The Mask.

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How about Tina Turner? She’s been looking pretty good for a long time now.

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And you think Farrah Fawcett has had work done?

cher3, he said no talent… and no soul.

4

Oops, missed that part. Maybe Tina only had to sell part of her soul.

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Talent and soul are subjective criteria, the “looks the same for decades” award goes to Abe Vigoda. He has been 70-75 years old for over thirty years, from The Godfather through his turns on Conan O’Brien’s show.

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Jane Seymour?

(I have to admit, going by the thread title alone my first thought was, “Keith Richards, duh.” :smiley: )

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Steven Tyler and Joe Perry of Aerosmith.

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I think Heather Locklear has been looking pretty darned good.
She’s an okay actress and possibly she might have enough talent to preclude her entry into this cabal. I’ll leave this for the “Dopers” to decide.

Hmm maybe Heather Locklear could be the “talent threshold” by which all others are measured. Just enough talent to exclude her from the group OR lacking just that tiny smidgen of talent to bring her down with the Tom Cruise/Pam Anderson crowd.

Now that I think about it, I’m beginning to think she’d just miss membership into this cult of vampires but I could be wrong.

And Tina Turner is definitely excluded: W-A-Y too much talent there.

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Tina’s just too feisty to age.

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Heather Locklear definitely is on the list. In fact, she was one other I had identified but failed to include in my original enumeration.

And agreed, excellent nomination for “threshold,” BTW. As in the latter. As in, any more talent than Heather Locklear, and the person is too talented to have become undead.

And while Tina definitely once had far too much soul to be on the list, what has she done lately? Eh? Think about it…

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Abe Vigoda, Check.

Jane Seymour… hmmm… Check.

And I forgot the obvious example:

George Hamilton. He almost had his vampire privileges revoked for making a movie portraying a vampire. But it was such camp that the clan figured it actually improved their cover in the long run.

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Those two did so much crazy shit that they aged early. Now they look roughly as old as they actually are- just a lot more beaten-up.

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Barbara Eden. Last time I saw her, she still looked good in that genie costume.

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Keith Richards doesn’t meet any of your criteria, but I’ve been convinced he’s among the walking dead for some time now.

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OK, Barbara Eden, check.

And for you Keith Richards folks, I have to say no check. Keith is a) talented, and b) pickled, not undead.

And I suspect the same is true of Tyler and Perry. :smiley:

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Ever since I first saw Star Trek the Next Generation, I thought that John Cusak and Data looked suspiciously alike. That may explain him for one…

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OK, I gotta log off now, so I’ll leave you to your own devices with one more name.

Morgan Fairchild.

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So long as Star Trek has been raised, can I say Shatner? Does that fluke Emmy he just won (not for being terrific, IMO, but for being better than expected and therefore blinding voters to the fact that he is, in fact, still fairly talentless) exclude him for the possibility of undeadness?

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People, you can’t “out” Keith Richards in this topic. Everybody already knows he’s some kind of undead thing.

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How old is Brad Pitt, anyways?