Sr. Olives and I have a very similar sense of humor. We make fun of each other a lot, with very black humor, but every once in a while we both run into contexts in which the other person is just a bit too sensitive to Go There.
For him, it was teasing him about his ability/knowledge as a mental health professional, because he’s a student right now and is quite insecure about it as it is.
For me, it was a crack about me losing my boobs if I ever got breast cancer. My grandmother had breast cancer (in remission nearly 30 years), so I’m not sure what on earth possessed him to make this remark, but he was immediately serious and sorry when he saw how not amused I was.
In a relationship, you’re bound to step on your partner’s toes eventually. The thing that matters is whether your respect the other person enough to apologize, and mean it, and knock it off.
I don’t know that, at some level, he’s not aware of the nuance in what he’s saying.
Of course, if it was me, growing weary of this particular comment, I believe I might be tempted to say; “Y’know there’s a world of difference between, what I do in the kitchen, and destruction or anything requiring any actual “repairing”. Keep this up, and I will provide, for you, some actual destruction in need of, honest to goodness, repair, just so you can appreciate the difference. How would that be?”
Yes. He probably didn’t mean anything by it except to get a smile out of you. Yes, you’re perfectly within your rights to find it tiresome. And the answer there is to talk about it, which you have done. Good!
I detect what may be a soupçon of guilt from you…like you wish you could clean as you go, but just haven’t figured out quite how to make that happen with ankle-grabbers around, to which I completely and totally relate! What I do is keep one side of the sink full of soapy water, and toss the mess in there as I go. I don’t always have enough time or hands to *wash *the stuff as I go, but at least it’s mostly contained and easier to wash post-dinner. But, that being said, I think the guilt (if it’s really there and I’m not just projecting my own guilt on you!) is mostly or completely self-imposed. He seems, from your description, to be happy with your arrangement…but of course, the best way to find that out is to ask him!
My wife and I used to do the whole “one cooks, other cleans” routine. After a while we realized that if the cook knows they don’t have to clean, they tend to make a larger mess - many more utensils get used, empty pots get left out to harden instead of put in the sink to soak, etc. It became very easy for the cleaner of the night to resent the cook - “You couldn’t take 10 seconds to put that in the sink?” So we switched to “cook also cleans, other gets the kids ready for bed” , which works much better for us. Of course, we both cook, and are at about a 50/50 split. If one of us was the full time cook, I doubt this would work.
I could see why it would grate because his remarks make it sound as if he’s doing you a favor. He’s thanklessly cleaning up the mess you made in your kitchen. Nevermind the fact, that the reason there is a mess is because you’re cooking food for a family on a daily basis. Sure, he’s just joking and doesn’t mean any harm. But if a joke is said enough times, it starts sounding sincere rather than facetious. In this case, also like a passive aggressive way of demanding gratitude. It’d be like you announcing “I’m finished slaving away at the stove, massa” after cooking dinner every night. To which he would probably say “Here, have a scoobie snack, wench”.
I don’t think you were being oversensitive, but it sounds like water under the bridge so no biggie.
Not to worry, our 2yo is in charge of the actual damage to the kitchen. She’s right on top of that.
WhyNot, how can you hesitate to assume I have guilt? I’m a mother! I’m reminded of Diane Wiessinger talking about women, especially mothers, being steeped in guilt, to the point that she remembers her own mother apologizing for the weather.
But to some degree the guilt is useful. That is part of what inspires me to indeed, remember to rinse out a pot, or to pry myself off the couch after the kids are in bed and put something in the sink to soak, so it won’t be a bitchkitty to clean. I’m not a doormat, but I do try to have some consideration for him.
I think the repetition probably has played a role as well. Some things I’m fine with over and over (“the cake is a lie” wouldn’t bother me). But yes, when something rubs you the wrong way, even though you know it’s meant harmlessly (the “repair” line), it does start to grate when you hear it for the ten thousandth time. That’s a good point.
I think that kind of “joke” would get old fast. I think next time he’s done you should conduct an inspection and then give him a gold star if everything is cleaned up well. You know, just as a joke. Obviously he needs the attention and for someone to acknowledge his hard work.
Oh wow, I thought I was the only one that felt this way, since I seem to be surrounded by people who have no trouble repeating the same things over and over and ad nauseum. Nice to know I’m not the only one being sent mad by the 2000th telling of the parrot joke!
It’s you. But you all worked it out, OP, so it’s all good.
My family, like Olive’s, has a very dark sense of humor. We also tend to make everything a joke. Everything. It really helps us to learn to laugh at ourselves, which is good, because then we can pick our battles in life more logically, and not even bother getting offended, especially when one isn’t trying to offend.
So it turns out my daughter has a ‘don’t go there’ button. She doesn’t like to be called a ‘weeaboo’ (shout out to Melon and his first pitting). So that is her weak spot. When we joke about her being a weeaboo, she gets offended and she told us so. So we stopped doing it. But it’s her, not us. She is the one that is getting offended over nothing. If she learned to really not get offended when folks are just playing around with her, she wouldn’t have needed us to salve her feelings.
She should toughen up, I think. But my husband and I have ceased joking about that. And my daughter did impress me that she was willing to speak up for herself. She would have impressed me more had she learned to take the joke.
I do this - just about every time we come home, I say, “Home again, home again, jiggety jig.” I don’t know why. I think my husband ignores it like the white noise it is.
You really can’t expect people to be able to tell your tongue-in-cheek pronouncements from on high from your usual pronouncements from on high. Unless they’re all tongue-in-cheek.
