I had to write this for school, tell me what u think.
The picture that goes with it is here http://www.somethingawful.com/cliff/ihateyou/page-49.htm
its the one with the guy in '70s and green sunglasses.
AREA MAN NEARS WORLD REJECTION RECORD
Gary Coleman’s last claim to fame in jeopardy
ORLANDO, FLORIDA—Orlando barfly Blake Sharp approached blonde bombshell Jen Janson late yesterday evening at the Drink and Hurl pub completely unaware of the milestone that was rapidly approaching.
“How you doin’?” he crooned with a wink, one arm shooting out to the side, the other grabbing his own crotch through the sweaty black leather of his pants. Janson, with a look of pure horror, reportedly fled the scene screaming while flailing her limbs wildly.
It was Sharp’s 5,000th career rejection; a number only 237 from the world record held by former childhood star Gary Coleman. As Sharp emerged from the bar at 10:30 PM dateless and alone, he was mobbed by a large group of reporters.
“It’s really the kind of thing that just sneaks up on you,” Sharp was quoted saying after reporters notified him of his recent achievement in the lackluster world of failure. “It seems like it was just yesterday when I got turned down for the very first time… and second and third….”
Born Charlie Roodles, Blake Sharp legally changed his name early last year in an attempt to improve his success with women. “Surely no foxy broad wants to date a guy named Charlie Roodles,” he explained, while running his hand through his receding hairline. “Now, Blake Sharp, on the other hand… Now that’s just stylin’.”
One dating analyst attributes Sharp’s amazing string of romantic disappointments to his warped sense of style. “The guy dresses like he is, like, trapped in the ‘70s,” expert Jessica Sevilla pointed out. “Who wears green sunglasses? I mean, like… seriously.”
Sharp’s 3000th rejector, Samantha Weiss, explained her reasoning. “He came up to me at this party, right, and out of the blue asks me if I wanted ‘to shag’. What? Shag? Austin Powers was a funny movie and all but ‘shag’? I mean, come on.”
Sharp’s spokesperson, fellow barfly and roommate, Manny Lee, who appeared in a stained white T-shirt and ripped blue jeans, held a press conference at 11:00 PM in response to the great interest shown by Orlando and national media. “I know y’all got a lotta questions for Blake, But y’all gotta jus’ wait ‘till tomorra’. The Blakesta’ is on a date right now.”
In actuality, Sharp had accepted a personal one on one interview with Orlando Sun reporter Britney Morris because, as Sharp put it, “she was too delicious to turn down.”
Blake Sharp carries a plethora of disastrous rejection feats but perhaps his most notable came in one 1994 weekend where he managed to improve his career rejection total by 202. When confronted on this, Sharp told Morris, “In retrospect, Disney World was probably not the best place to try to pick up women. Most of them had families and stuff. At first I didn’t want to let that get in my way, ‘cuz I’m a fighter, ya’ know? But several black eyes later, I learned my lesson.”
Sharp is reportedly planning a trip to Sea World with Lee for next weekend. “Ladies love a guy who is into animals. Right baby? Oooh yeah,” Sharp purred with a curled lip, while twirling a single chest hair around his index finger. With this, the interview promptly came to a close as security escorted Britney Morris from the scene.
Blake Sharp was not the only one mobbed by reporters after his depressing milestone, but also was former Diff’rent Strokes star Gary Coleman, who holds the current record with 5,237 career rejections. When asked how he felt about the situation, Coleman told reporters in his irritating high-pitched voice, “What you talkin’ about? I don’t hold no rejection record.” When notified that on the contrary, he did indeed hold that record, he responded, “I feel terrible. I guess it’s all I got left. Heck, I’m flat broke and unemployed. I spent last night collecting cans in an alley. Any of you got a dollar?”
Experts predict that given Blake Sharp’s current pace, he can be expected to overtake Coleman sometime next month.