I’m on the road on business in Toledo and believe me there’s not a lot to do here, so I went to the mall to buy a new belt and figured I’d have dinner at a restaurant there. To have something to read while I ate alone, I bought Stephen King’s “Lisey’s Story.”
Now, I have read some pretty bad books. I read “Hannibal.” I read “A Painted House.” I read “Amsterdam.” I even read a Clive Cussler book once. (I can’t remember which one, and does it really matter?) But folks, I got just 64 pages into “Lisey’s Story” and just fucking gave up. It is not worth the effort to continue turning the pages and actually expend the energy to move my eyes across the words.
In just 64 pages King has managed to trot out everything that makes his recent books suck (spoilers follow):
- The book is about the wife of a Maine-based writer, and the big event in the book’s first 64 pages is an incident where the famous Maine-based writer is nearly killed but survives. Anyone know a famous Maine-based writer who was nearly killed but survived? Yes, Steve-O is STILL writing, over and over and over, about the time he got hit by a truck. (In the book it’s not a traffic accident but the parallel is pretty obvious.)
Look, Steve, see your fucking therapist again or something. I’m sure getting run over wasn’t exactly as fun as a big jar of Smarties but you’ve told us all how bad it sucked and ruined a few books already. We don’t need to hear it anymore.
- The book’s main character, Lisey, a widow, keeps doing that Stephen King thing where she uses personal inwords in her inner monologue to an extent not used by any normal human. In Lisey’s case she likes “smucking” as a swear word. “Smucking” is used about three times a page. If I read two more pages of “smucking this” and “smucking that” I’ll scream.
Just to see if he’d get out of this I randomly chose four later pages: 140, 204, 311 and 445 (Pocket Books premium paperback edition, U.S.) and the word “smucking” or “Smuck” appears on all four.
- Even in the first 64 pages he’s already trotting old the King Stock Characters. The Maine Writer. The Surprisingly Resilient Wife. The Irredeemably Nasty Relative. The Snooty Unlikeable Prig. I expect that it’s only a matter of time before he trots out the magical retard and the mystical Negro.
Fuck this. If anyone’s in Toledo you can have my copy.
Here’s let try page, uhhhh, 548… yes, she starts to say “smucking” but catches herself. Fuck you, Steve.