So for those who don’t know the story: Poor Mary Tudor was the unloved daughter of Henry VIII, forcibly separated from her beloved and sainted mother by her father, forced to know her mother lived in near poverty while her dad stole the sainted woman’s jewels and put them on his bitch of a new wife, forced to carry her bastard little brat of a half-sister around at her christening for fear of her life, forced to see Daddy march bratty little bastard around all dressed in gold and pink on the same day Mary’s mother dies, and when she gets the news of her mother’s autopsy they found her heart was shrivelled and black, probably because stepcunt put a hex on it (her three nippled witch bitch of a self). Oh, there was some smile when Dad took stepcunt’s head, but it didn’t stop Mary from knowing how her own mom had suffered. Oy, how she suffered.
Then you all know what comes next: four more stepmoms, a baby brother, you’re in favor, you’re out of favor, Dad loves and wants to see you, Dad’s thinking about having you imprisoned or executed or married to a German, Dad’s dying. DAD REGRETS THE WAY HE TREATED MOM AND IS GOING TO LEAVE YOU THE CROWN! GOD BE PRAISED!
Oh nope, sorry, we hath most rightly snopesed it and found tis rumor… the crown goes to thy baby brother.
Another six years of waiting, six years of longing, six years of celibacy, six of years of praying, six years of being plotted against, all in cold damp rooms, six years of knowing you’re hated, all on top of what you endured with your mom and dad, and then one day…
Well, we’ll do it in the form of a new discovered lost fragments transcribed from her inner and outer dialogue and found in the toilets of Windsor Castle and written in the first person:
The Logia Apocryphon of Bloody Mary’s False Pregnancy (and of tymes before and afterward)
from fragments transcribed from her inner and outer dialogue and found in the toilets of Windsor Castle and written in the first person
by her latter day courtier and channeler Sampiro
THE CROWN IS MINE!!! GOD BE PRAISED! WHAT A GLORIOUS DAY THIS SH
Jane who? Jane Cousin Frankie’s daughter that looks like that Helena Bonham Carter Jane? Are you fucking kidding me! SHIT! Why can’t things ever be drama free just for a single fucking day… Jesu Maria et Josephum!
Alright, it’s nine days later, but at least I’m crowned.
Meetings, bloody meetings. Hi how ya doing, smile and wave. That smiling jackal’s the same one who took mom’s rings off her fingers the fucking bastard. I’ll smile at him, it’s enough that he’s fucking terrified, but I’ll be tolerant, I promised. The Lord is surely with me.
That fucking bitch is a cousin of Jane Bonham Graycarter’s husband the prick Smile and Wave No I don’t want to see my ‘baby sister’ Elizabeth tell her to go straight to Hell and say hi to dad and stepcunt while she’s there no, I said to Wales, go straight to Wales… or just go straight to… dinner. I’ll see her later.
How the fuck many times does Archbishop Thomas think that “Wacky Cranmer Entrance” is supposed to be funny? I promised to be tolerant, chin up, oh fucking great all these accursed backstabbing heretics and stepcunt’s little pup and now my period starts…
My period starts— how old am I? 38… I’m still fertile! Of course! I’ll be married! I’ll marry a Catholic! What’s Uncle Charlie’s boy’s name, the one who sent me a New World sombrero for Christmas last year… Philip of Spain, perfect. Bingo. I’ve heard he’s pious and devout and scholarly and hung like a hippo… at least that’s what was on his Christmas card…artful how he rhymed it with Felipe.
Wedding day- wonderful. Bloated. Still nice. Not what I dreamed it would be but what is?
Looking forward to the wedding night. Felipe lippy bo bippy banana fanna fo fippy… hippo! I just can’t do it. My groom is truly gifted.
Last night. The wedding night… well that was… … yeah. Though can only get better. Perhaps he was nervous, or just hadn’t ever seen what a real woman looks like when she’s ‘in the mood’ and ‘au naturel’, wearing nothing but a crucifix and a locket with a piece of the Placenta of St. Ann in it. Well… tonight will be different. I’ll play some sexy virginals and light some candles and let him be the sovereign. For a little while anyway. Too many back problems to abdicate more than a few minutes.
Felipe is, I’m thinking… not all that jiggy wythe me…
No, I fear tis not still.
Okay… calleth me Mother Superior, cause I’m gettin’ nun in my bed. And now he’s gone back to Spain. Hasta la vista baby. I prefer the hysteria treatments anyway.
I’M PREGGERS! HOLY JESUS! FINALLY!
OH THIS IS A BLESSED DAY! LET’S SEE… I WANT TO THANK GOD, JESUS, SAINT BERNADETTE has she been canonized yet?, ST. ANN, ST. TERESA, MY AGENTS JIMMY SAPERSTEIN AND SAUL BLOOMBURG, MY EXCHEQUORS, FATHER AVISA FOR PERFORMING THE WEDDING, THE CRAZY HAG WHO GAVE ME THE BOAR’S TOOTH FOR FERTILITY, MY HAIRDRESSER MADGE, AND… STOP PLAYING THAT FUCKING VIRGINALS OR I’M OFFING YOUR HEAD, THE SPEECH WILL TAKE HOWEVER FUCKING LONG IT TAKES! And… ah well… let’s get the crowned heads of Europe together for a shower. Hope they give me a barge-seat for the babe. I’m thinking Mary Catherine if it’s a girl, for me and the virgin and for mom, blessed be their holy souls and mine, and Jack Dakota if it’s a boy…
Losing my figure here. Well, at least the baby’s growing.
What’s Flippo mean by ‘who’s the dad?’ You of course, thou farte! Hello! We did sleep together just a year before I got pregnant! (Hippo my ass. Hippos must be smaller than they look in the pictures.)
Sore nipples. Sore everything.
Sore everything.
This hurts like hell.
It’s been 7 months. Is it wrong to hope it comes early?
It’s been 8 months. I asked the old hag for something to induce labor. She gave me dried bones and pearl cream and duct tape, said it usually does the trick.
FUCK! Didn’t work.
Nine months. The old hag says any day now.
Nine months, two weeks. Old hag says sometimes it happens. Oh well. Close your eyes and think of England. Which is to say, me.
TEN MONTHS! I asked the old hag to give me something to induce labor- NOW! She looked and fretted and mumbled then said “beggin’ your pardon mum, tain’t my place, but I fear tis not a babby 'tall” like she’s auditioning for some Frog Eye Alabama Community Players production of fucking PYGMALION.
So I had her killed. She was a Protestant anyway.
Now there’s an idea…
That’s it— the Protestants. God won’t let the baby be born til the Protestants are all gone! Ooooooh Tommy Boy, you picked the wrong day to do that Wacky Cranmer Entrance…
Tenth month. Third week. Spent it killing Protestants. Bought a candy bar, had my legs waxed. Burned some more heretics, read a poem, went to bed early.
Eleventh month. First week. Killed Protestants. Had the Papal Legate over for dinner, we played Parchesi. Went to bed early.
Eleventh month, third week. Killed some Protestants, tried tiramisu (pretty good really) and sushi (hated it- had the chef killed- at least something got cooked <G>- looked Protestant). Did my calisthenics, burned some Lutherans, got a facial, burned a Zwinglian (not sure what that is but sounds Protestant to me), wrote a letter to Uncle Charlie, went to bed. Woke up in the middle of the night, couldn’t get back to sleep, killed a Protestant family in Leeds, went back to bed.
Eleventh month, fourth week. Killed some Protestants, had an omelette (bacon and avocado and garlic- sounds better than it tasted). Had a weird dream last night about a singing dog chasing me naked through some place called Chicago where I was late for something called a final exam… asked Father Michael about it. He said it’s a subconscious need to burn more Protestants. Indulged it. Slept soundly.
Twelfth month. Alright, work with me here Lord, Virgin and Omnium Sancti… you gotta give me at least some idea of who you want me to burn. I’ll do it, just kind of nudge me. I really need to have this thing.
Twelfth month. First week. Walked from the palace to the wharves to the summer palace to the winter palace to the Buckstars for cacao, doing crosswords whole way, never had trouble seeing because burning Protestants lit the whole way.
Heard a Protestant bitch being burned today gave birth right there at the stake. The men present tossed the baby back into the flames. Baptism by barbecue we called it when we heard the news. We laughed. We all agreed it’s what Jesus would have done.
Twelfth month second week.
Just gotta hang in there. My life’s been a big steaming pile of shit up til now and I’ll admit sometimes my faith weakened, but I always knew it was all for a purpose. It’s for this purpose. It was all to prepare me for this glorious birth. This child. This savior. This England. This child is the culmination of everything I’ve ever wanted. With this child my faith takes flesh and blood and form. With this child I know my religion and my life and all existence itself has meaning. I just have to keep my chin up, burn some Protestants, and keep my faith. The baby is all that matters. I am a vessel and I’m jiggy with that.
Twelfth month, third week.
I’m hated. I’m despised. I’m loathed. I’m soaked up to my neck in blood. Many of them are innocent. One was a newborn. My husband hates me. My people hate me. My priest hates me. My dog hates me. I hate me. I’m wondering if God hates me. When the baby comes he’ll probably hate me.
Twelfth month, whatever week
Just gotta hang in there. The baby makes it all worth while… culmination and faith and flesh… Dakota if it’s a boy Mary Catherine for a girl… just gotta hang in there… I’m hated everyone hates me they call me bloody Mary but it’s all worthwhile Dakota will usher in the Millennium of Peace and
Thirteenth month.
Mom came to me in a dream last night and said “Wake up and smell the Michael Clarke Duncan Magical Negro character. It’s not a fucking baby.”
She’s right.
Deathbed
I’m dying. I’m soaked in blood. None of it’s my own.
Bless me father for I have sinned. I want my mommy.
Like the drink but not spelt the same…
Tell my sister she can have my crown when she takes it off my cold dead head. Noon’s good for me.
Hung like a hippo my ass…
Jack Dakota if it’s a b
Here endeth.
Okay, in the above scenario: picture the day when Mary realized she wasn’t pregnant, that it was a tumor, that she was hated, that a lot of shit had just happened and the people were going to get away with it, that she was almost as bad as her father had been just in an upside down and backwards sort of way- and yes I know it happened over years and not all the same day and that the pregnancy story is [true but] exaggerated… just imagine that all these realizations happen in one moment, and that moment is on her deathbed. Okay, got that image?
Mary is at that moment as bitter, vile, despicable, wretched, twisted, self-pitying, self-exonerating, and utterly pathetic a queen as Kevin.