I just looked at my 13-year-old daughter’s tumblr blog. It had inappropriate things on it (which I do not care to elaborate on), so I made her delete it (she did it in front of me and it warned that the action cannot be undone, so that’s the end of that, at least). But of course she could start another inappropriate blog or whatever. Anyway, I don’t think it’s right to police every her interaction or anything like that. She can text what she wants to her friends just like she can speak what she wants to them. But I’m thinking I do need to monitor what she’s doing online more. It’s really hard to know exactly where to draw the line though
Does anyone have any recommendations for parental control software? I’m not sure where to even start. She and I are both admins on her laptop but I guess I should make it so I’m the only one.
ETA: I also welcome any general advice on this topic.
I don’t have any recommendations, but, since this thread sunk like a stone, I can give some general ideas.
The main problem I foresee is that you would need to install software on any device she uses to get online, even if it’s just monitoring software. And you’d have to do this without her knowing, or she will know to just use a friend’s computer or device.
You might be able to do it on an ISP and phone provider level, but that would require you checking with your local providers and seeing what they offer.
As for how far to go, just monitor her occasionally, and kinda squint so you will only see inappropriate content, while giving her the privacy she wants. And ease up if she’s doing well. I’d also pick and choose your battles there, as once she knows you’re monitoring, the whole “using someone else’s machine” aspect kicks in again.
I’ve never been a fan of the software itself. I admit I haven’t looked at it in quite a while, but there was a huge problem back in the day of it excluding exactly the kinds of sites I *do *want my teens able to access - accurate information on birth control, how to do a breast self-exam, support for teen angsty stuff from “Am I gay, maybe?” to Suicide Hotline numbers…I *want *my kids to see that, and lots of that was being blocked by the state of the art software 8 years ago. I hope, but do not know if improvements have been made on that point.
With my son (now 20), the amorphous threat of Mama checking the computer was enough to either A) keep him out of trouble or B) learn how to be good computer consumer and hide his tracks well. Frankly, if a kid is clever enough and cognizant of right and wrong enough to feel guilty enough to erase their incriminating cyber-tracks, I figure they’re clever enough to see pretty much anything the internet has to offer.
When I was concerned (due to porn popups that began appearing on the family computer), at a similar age, the computer got moved to a public room and my son knew that I might look at his email (this was pre-tumblr). His phone was a basic candybar phone with no internet - he can get a data phone/plan when he buys his own. I’m a mean, poor mom, so my kids don’t have iPads or tablets or any other way to get online. By 17 or so, he knew more about computers and the internetverse than I do, so I let him keep his laptop in his bedroom.
I believe a child doesn’t develop their own sense of filters if you give them filtering technology. It’s like keeping them in a life vest and expecting them to learn to float on their own. Is it sometimes needed as a temporary solution to danger? Sure. But it can easily become a convenience, and that risks restraint of growth and development.
Well, I’m not really trying to protect her from anything at all objectionable, because that wouldn’t be possible anyway. But I don’t want her to have unlimited, completely private access. She already knows I’m going to do SOMETHING about this situation. I don’t think it would be fair to put spyware on her computer and not even tell her. I don’t see any parental control software that has good reviews though, so maybe just a general spy program that takes screenshots periodically and shows what websites she visits.
Her cell phone doesn’t have a data plan, so that’s not a problem.
Yeah, I’d heard about it sucking years ago, but thought maybe it would be better now. But it looks like that might not be the case.
It’s so hard to know where to draw the line though! The Internet makes sooo much questionable content so available. What kid wouldn’t see what it has to offer, given the chance?
It *is *hard to know where to draw the line, you’re right. Y’know, sometimes when I’m having trouble with a parenting decision like this, I turn it back on the kid. “Son, you messed up, you know that, right? Okay, so we’ll fix it. You’re obviously pretty savvy on the computer, maybe even a bit smarter than your ol’ mom. So you tell me what our options are. What tools are there that can help us rebuild the trust between us? Or what can we change about where and when you use the internet? Or something else? Think about that this weekend, would you? Maybe research some of that net nanny software I’ve heard about and let me know how much it costs and what’s worth using and what’s junk (you’ll pay for that out of your allowance, of course, if that’s what we decide we need.) Let’s talk on Monday and you can tell me what ideas you’ve come up with.”
It’s brilliant. It works in, “now think about what you’ve done young man!” in a more productive way then seething about what a great big meanie Mom is, and then it gets me off the hook for actually thinking up/researching the proper “punishment”! But most importantly, it teaches the kid how to come up with solutions. And often as they’re doing research, they learn more about the potential trouble they might have gotten into and avoided through sheer luck, and that alone motivates them to steer a straighter course.
She caused this little problem, ask *her *to figure out how to fix it. But *really *ask her, and be prepared to listen to her ideas and implement one or more of them if they’re reasonable.
K9 Web Protection is free and easy to use. You can choose from some default filtering options, and then customize it by “allowing” or “blocking” specific websites.
It’s about impossible to stop someone from getting online. They can go to a friend’s or even a library. Your best bet is to address the root problem which is your child. Talk to them. Let them know what is acceptable to you. You don’t need parental control software. You need parental control.
You really can’t make a teenager not do anything stupid or inappropriate just by talking to them. That’s just one part of it. Unless you have a very rare teenager (my mom was one of them and expected my sisters and me to be like that too, which none of us were) that’s just not going to be enough on its own. To a certain extent, making bad decisions is a developmental stage they’re going through.
That’s the hard part, you have to do both to a point. If you talk to them only, it might take eventually but maybe not before something with lasting consequences happens. Plus it’s not only inexperience that makes teens do stupid shit, it’s also biology. All the awesome advice and guidance in the world isn’t going to change that.
WhyNot, I think if I end up being half as good a parent as you, I will be really pleased. (I’d really like to do the teaching-the-kid-how-to-come-up-with-solutions thing, and am trying to start, although I’m not quite sure how to start with my three-year-old – it mostly consists of a lot of “so, what do you think you should do now?” when she gets upset about spilling something or whatever.)
I’ll bite - did something with lasting consequences happen? You haven’t really said what you’re worried about. Can you at least give us a hint about the inappropriate content or the situation?
Oh, no, nothing like that. I’m just saying in general that’s what makes raising teenagers so terrifying, that they’re not old enough to consider long term consequences as much as adults do, but they’re old enough to make decisions that do have long term consequences.
My daughter was just posting disrespectful lies about family and reposting other people’s content that I feel is too risque for a 7th grader. Nothing dangerous.
I actually lol’d at this - when I was that age, I was writing filthy stories about a half man-half cow raping a young girl with the teats on his udder. And this was decades before everyone had the internet. I’m not sure there is anything too risque for a 7th grader.
Well, I know *they *don’t think anything is too risque for them. And I don’t know if you have any kids, but if you do, isn’t there some content on the Internet that you would like to at least limit their exposure to, even though you know they’re still going to see some of it and hear things from friends, etc?
I gave my older girl a lecture back when she was about 13/14. (It has been a few years, so forgive this old man for being fuzzy on the details.) She was starting to go to porn sites, and I gave her a talk about how she needs to understand that these are fiction, and not good examples to model relationships. And I made sure she had and used a good anti-virus application.
Having a parent not freak out seemed to take away a lot of the “forbidden fruit” appeal. I remember being that age.
Yep, sounds about right for 3. That’s exactly the process. At 3, she can figure out how to solve a little bitty problem, because she’s a little bitty person. When she gets into school, and gets bigger, her problems will get bigger - forgotten homework, other girls being nasty on the playground, fashion gone wrong… Then she’ll (with a lot of suggestions from you, at first) learn how to solve bigger problems. But it’s always the same process: Identify the problem, research potential solutions to the problem, weigh the risks and benefits of each potential solution, choose and implement a solution, and evaluate the results. Sometimes this happens really fast : “Milk spilled under the table! Clean it up or walk away? If I walk away, Mama will be upset. If I clean it up, she’ll smile! Clean it up. Did I clean it up well? No, there’s still some milk I can’t reach. (NEW PROBLEM IDENTIFIED!) Move the chair or ask Mama for help? If I move the chair, it will be noisy. If I ask Mama for help, she won’t make noise. Ask Mama for help. Now the milk is all gone! Yay!”
I literally run a monologue like this out loud when I’m cleaning up a glass of spilled milk for an infant. And then I repeat it when they’re old enough to handle the rag with my hand on top. And then again when they can hold it and wipe unaided. And eventually it goes into their mushy little brains and becomes their own inner monologue and they don’t need me to say it out loud anymore, they internalize the process.
There is certainly material I’d like to have some input on their interpretation and programming on (rape porn, slut shaming and animal abuse are three that spring to mind for me), but I’m not sure the most effective way to do that is to prevent their ever seeing it. Rather, I’d like to keep the lines of communication as open as possible, so if they see something disturbing, which will certainly happen sooner or later, they’ll tell me about it. And if it’s truly disturbing and/or illegal, then that’s our teaching moment for how to report illegal content, how to make the world a better place and the need for someone to get on that brain bleach invention…and that it’s actually in their self interest not to seek out disturbing content.
A 13 year old is either going to find graphic pictures of double penetration with a goat to be titillating or horrifying. If horrifying, great. Problem solved, they’re not going to go looking for that again. If titillating, well, then that’s interesting, and yes, a reminder that internet porn isn’t representative of mainstream mores in sexual activity is a valuable lesson. But also the lesson that we don’t choose what turns us on, so don’t be judging people for what they enjoy in the bedroom among consenting partner(s). (And can goats consent? Can drunk people? What about teenagers with older partners? All interesting conversations…) But blocking it entirely isn’t going to work - all software fails eventually - and it’s not going to change the fact that sooner or later - probably sooner - they’re going to have access to a computer without controls that will allow them to find that stuff. Blocking it doesn’t prevent the problem, it only delays it until they’re old enough that they probably won’t feel comfortable coming to you with it.
In her case, it sounds like the lesson needs to be, “Nothing on the internet is private, and saying mean things online is just as hurtful as saying them out loud. Don’t.” She’s learned the first part of that because, hey, it wasn’t private. You found it, and you weren’t meant to! The second point might be best learned by asking her to read some articles about cyber-bullying and its effects on people (including driving some to suicide), and how to recognize when her own posts might be straying into that territory. The final point (“Don’t.”) will come from inside her heart, assuming she’s not a monster who wants to drive people to kill themselves. I feel that’s a pretty safe assumption.
This is more or less what I was trying to get at. The internet didn’t make your kid have dirty thoughts or ideas you didn’t give her, hormones and maturity (in a very broad sense of that word) did.
Face it, if your kid is running everything they want to do past you at 24, you won’t say “this is a sign of successful parenting.” Now, the level of control appropriate – and possible – to exert over a 14-year-old is higher than for a 24-year-old, but that much higher?
But most importantly, it teaches the kid how to come up with solutions. And often as they’re doing research, they learn more about the potential trouble they might have gotten into and avoided through sheer luck, and that alone motivates them to steer a straighter course.
When she gets into school, and gets bigger, her problems will get bigger - forgotten homework, other girls being nasty on the playground, fashion gone wrong… Then she’ll (with a lot of suggestions from you, at first) learn how to solve bigger problems. But it’s always the same process: Identify the problem, research potential solutions to the problem, weigh the risks and benefits of each potential solution, choose and implement a solution, and evaluate the results. Sometimes this happens really fast : “Milk spilled under the table! Clean it up or walk away? If I walk away, Mama will be upset. If I clean it up, she’ll smile! Clean it up. Did I clean it up well? No, there’s still some milk I can’t reach. (NEW PROBLEM IDENTIFIED!) Move the chair or ask Mama for help? If I move the chair, it will be noisy. If I ask Mama for help, she won’t make noise. Ask Mama for help. Now the milk is all gone! Yay!”