My take is that both males and females speak like this, and they can be of any age. This has always been one of my pet peeves, also, so when it occurs it seldom escapes me. I have seen professionally produced nationally distributed commercials in which the actors or announcers speak this way. I have seen many TV news interviews in which the person being interviewed speaks this way (and often the reporter, too). The interviewee can be anyone from a teen in the mall to the head of a local charity to the public information officer of a law enforcement agency. Conversely, my 18 year old son has NO friends that speak this way.
And it is not strictly Valley Speak, as my little sister spoke this way when she was about 5 or 6, which would have been about 1964. The fact that she spoke this way at such a young age has always made me prejudicially think the people that speak this way are probably not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, having evidently never learned to eventually speak like a grown-up as my sister did.
My stepdaughter does this. She does it around her friends, family, everyone. She’s 17, and has been speaking this way since…oh, probably around the age she stopped screaming like a tiny child. Going from one annoying vocalization to another.
All of her friends do it, too. And they are all of the tanned, blonde, “Britney Spears” generation.
If you listen, you’ll notice that a lot of people say “you know?” at the end of a sentence in order to get verification that the other person is listening and agreeing. I think the upspeaking accomplishes the same thing.
I’m a teacher. I want my students to feel as though they can question what I’ve said. I dont’ want them to accept everything I say as gospel; it isn’t. For example, often I say misleading things hoping someone will catch me. “In this poem, Sir Henry Newbolt is saying that war is something boys should all look forward to?” And some bright spark will say, “But Miss, couldn’t he be saying that war can be played like a game?” It allows them to think they’ve come up with some point I’ve overlooked, or that they’re the first person to ever notice something. It allows room for original thought.
I’m conniving. I know the people in my life, and I know that most of them don’t know shit from shinola about specific things. I know my dad doesn’t have the foggiest notion what car I should buy, but to make him feel important I say, “So Dad, I’m thinking of buying a Subaru?” He then gives me advice he thinks is helpful, and I buy whatever car I want anyway. At work, I do the same thing. I tell my boss, whether male or female, what I am going to do in upspeak. They agree or disagree. Generally they agree. They feel as though they’ve given me permission, but all I’ve done is make them feel as though their opinion matters…when it may or may not.
I may generally not have the foggiest notion what I’m talking about. In a situation where I’m the person I described in #2, I use upspeak to keep from sounding like an idiot. Rather than state something declaratively, when I’m unsure, I say it interrogatively to leave room for error.
Why don’t you just ask questions. How is “Dad, I’m thinking of buying a Subaru; what do you think?” an inferior choice than “Dad, I’m thinking of buying a Subaru?” Similarly, why don’t you just say, “Well, I’m not sure about this, but as I understand it the concentration of poverty in urban centers is actually fairly new,” instead of, “The concentration of poverty in urban centers is actually fairly new?”
Respectfully, it sounds like you might be in a self-fulfilling prophesy: You deliberately talk like an uninformed guttless-wonder because people treat you that way, but people treat you that way because you talk like it. I’ve always been given the impression that people like and respect confidence. How is it beneficial to speak as if you have none?
There are two lady’s in my squadron that say “lemme stop” or “im just kidding” after 20 percent of every sentence they say, only they say it at half the volume of how they are speaking. They have been doing that for so long that I don;t think that they realize they are doing it anymore. One is in her thirty’s and one is in her early twenty’s.
With my particular father, he won’t give advice when asked for it. He’s one of these types that likes to think everything is his idea. For example, several years ago I wanted a Subaru Outback. Out of respect for his wishes, I got a Legacy instead because he didn’t think the Outback was big enough. This year, when I told him I’d be moving back to the States, he said, “I was thinking I might check out this Subaru Outback for you. Have you ever heard of them? They’re supposed to be really nice cars.” It’s okay as long as it’s HIS idea. Some people are just that way.
Sometimes I do state things that way. I don’t upspeak every sentence. I’m an English teacher; I like variety.
Asking someone’s opinion, or allowing for them to give advice, does not mean I lack confidence. It means I take the time to see what others think.
There’s nothing gutless wonder-y about me. I’ve taken on this form of speech because in years past my assertiveness and brazen way of stating things earned me titles such as “shrew” and “know-it-all bitch”. I lost several friendships because “women aren’t supposed to be so assertive”. My best friend once said to me, “You know, you have problems with men because you’re too honest.” :rolleyes: I have problems with men for entirely different reasons, thank you very much.
At work, my reputation certainly isn’t one of being gutless. It’s more one of, “She’s a team player”, which in this day and age is dreadfully important.
From my perspective, I don’t see upspeak as asking for advice. Leaving aside your father and his ilk, suppose one says “I’m thinking of buying this jacket?” One is not asking for advice on outerwear, instead this is an admission that the speaker doesn’t even know what that self-same person is even thinking.
Him: “I’m thinking of buying this jacket?”
Me: “I’ll be fucked if I know what you’re thinking”
You aren’t a guttless wonder, but that doesn’t mean that you aren’t speaking that way. You said it yourself: “I lost several friendships because ‘women aren’t supposed to be so assertive’.” While it would be ill advised to confuse being aggressive with assertive, I don’t see erring on the side of sub-assertive as being preferable to erring on the side of super-assertive. Who cares if you lose some misogynist “friends”, anyway? But supposing that being assertive, while optimal in theory, is not practicable in real life, I content that upspeak is not the second best option. I suggest that there are soft-assertive options that don’t require one to project the image of the submissive supplicant which, IMO, is what upspeak really does.
Putting it in Slogan: Upspeak is the took of the Patriarch; Free your vioce, free your mind! Is the Lillith Fair still around, maybe I can make some money on that one…
When I say, “I’m thinking of buying this jacket?”, what I mean is, “I’m thinking of buying this jacket. What do you think?” Truly it’s just laziness keeping me from saying the next sentence. But then I don’t normally ask people for fashion advice…
I guess it all depends on how you view upspeak. I don’t see it as annoying or demeaning. I don’t see it as a sign of someone’s insecurity, therefore I don’t see it as a reflection of someone’s status as a gutless wonder.
As a teacher, a soft approach has worked far better for me than being overly-assertive seems to be working for other teachers. But then, I suppose style and personality play into that as well. I don’t necessarily see why being assertive is so preferable to being shy or even retiring. Isn’t there a happy medium? When did it become socially unacceptable to be reserved? In addition, I guess I’m just a fan of picking my battles. When it benefits me to be ingratiating, I am. When it benefits me to be raucously aggressive, I am. It’s really all about what’s best for shrew, when it boils down to it.
I’m from Georgia, for God’s sake. Find me some non-misogynist friends. My best friend is a Baptist housewife pregnant with her third child at the age of 26. She believes men truly are the head of the household and refuses to pray every morning until she and her husband have had their “daily devotionals”. (Religion not being the issue here.) Sure, there are non-misogynist women in Georgia, but occasionally the five of us get tired of each other. (Yes, I’m being tongue in cheek, before my fellow Georgians string me up by my rat tail.) Even in my current home outside of London, I live with…well, I won’t say where he’s from…but with a flatmate who thinks women shouldn’t play sports, can’t drive worth a damn, and should all have breast implants if they’re smaller than a C cup. I don’t know what your friends are like, but that’s what I’m dealing with on my side of the fence. True, he’s not a chosen companion, but I have to live with that on a daily basis nonetheless. The only way I find we are able to tolerate each other is if I allow him to think I care what he says. Using upspeak helps me to do that. Do I do my best to show him what a competent woman is like? Absolutely, but in other ways.
To give you a slogan: Actions speak louder than upspeak.
I never said it was the best option. I just said I do it. It works for me. Attracting more bees with honey and all that.
I can’t say that I see the two as being mutually exclusive. We must be using assertive in different senses. Without spending a lot of time looking for a perfect analogy, I will suggest that from what I see upspeak is to shy & retiring as obsequious is to very polite. But we can disagree on that as well.
