Decoding woman-speak

Equal time.

It’s not you. It’s me.
It’s you.

You’re so sweet!
You’re a nice guy, but I’m not going to kiss you/go to bed with you.

You’d make a wonderful husband/father/boyfriend.
But not with me.

We need to see other people.
I’m already seeing someone else and I don’t want to see you again, period.

We need to talk.
I’m going to talk and you are going to listen.

I have a headache.
Your breath stinks.

I don’t want to wake the children.
Your breath stinks and you haven’t bathed recently.

It’s such a lovely day, let’s go to the park this afternoon.
If you spend another day sitting on the couch watching football I’m going to split your skull with an axe.

I saw the cutest dress/shoes/purse etc. at the mall today. Can we fit it in the budget this month?
It’s already hanging in the closet and I plan to distract you with sex before you see the credit card bill.

I’ll think about it.
No.

Maybe later.
Not only no, but fuck no.

We’ll talk later.
You’re a dead man.

:smiley: :smiley: :smiley: :smiley:

Hmm. I’d almost forgotten about that part.

Ouch.

Oh well. Everybody hurts. Sometime. :frowning:

Well, if you’d brush your teeth and take a bath every once in a while, you wouldn’t have these problems, would you? :wink:

Okay, first you complain that you’re not getting any, now you’re getting sex and you’re still complaining?! You’re just never happy, are you? And you wonder why women don’t understand you.

I don’t think it’s about sex vs. no sex, it’s about sex as a tool rather than an enjoyable exchange of love; that is, the propensity of (some!) women to give/withhold sex for certain gains rather than just to have a fun time/make babies/whatever.

I’m sorry I can’t see you, but I’ve been really busy at work.
I’ve been really busy getting worked on by somebody/several people other than you.

I really ought to study instead.
I find my math book more interesting than you. {only when used often + consistently}

Do these pants make my butt look big.
We haven’t had a good fight in a while lets start one now!

“I don’t care where we go to eat.”
Take me out for Italian and stop asking questions.

But that’s just me.

Sorry, the actual translation is:
because if you think my ass looks big in these pants, there’s no way you’re seeing it naked any time soon!

Or touching it for that matter.

You’re a nice guy but I think we should just be friends.
I wouldn’t date you if you were the last guy on earth and there weren’t any women left either

There’s no chemistry between us
You are so boring that I have to poke myself with my fork just to stay awake

She was totally flirting with you!
How dare you even look in her direction, you cad

You might find this interesting.

(Note that the material on the site linked is copyrighted. It was written by a friend of mine and his former writing partner, and made the email rounds without proper credit for quite some time.)

What are you thinking?
Let me tell you what I’m thinking…

[Something bad happened] and I don’t know what to do.
I don’t want to know what to do. I want to just be upset about it.

Oh, I don’t care. You decide.
You have 5 minutes. Be prepared to show your work. This test will count for 90% of your final grade.

I want your opinion. Be honest.
Get out of the house, now. Don’t turn around, don’t look back. Run.

It’s not you, it’s me,
It’s not you, it’s me. I don’t like you.

Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
I know I’ve gained weight. I’ve been eating bacon cheeseburgers and drinking a liter of sugared soda a day. I can see the scale. I know these pants are tighter on me. Lie to me. Lie to me if you know what’s good for you.

Do these pants make my ass look fat?
Look, we both know that these are not Magic Illusion Pants. Nothing I wear is going to make my ass look any less fat, because I’ve got a lot of fat on my ass. But if you want any sex, will you lie to me. And make it convincing.

I’m thinking about getting breast implants…
And you’d better damn well lie to me right now and tell me that you don’t think I’d look good with them or have any use for them… or no sex for you.

I’m a feminist!
I’m not sure exactly what feminism really means anymore… but I am prepared to be both shirll and difficult about it.

Women are equal to men in every respect!
Now remember to always put the toilet seat down or I’ll fall in.

I don’t really like other women.
And they don’t really like me, either. Rrrow! Hiss!

Porn is immoral and disgusting!
And she’s got a better body than I do.

Where do you see this going?
How soon can I have a ring around my finger?

I think this is going too fast…
…because I think of our relationship like a Ford Pinto. Now, that cute guy in my stats class… we’d be a porsche…

Let’s go out, we never do anything special anymore.
You’re not spending nearly enough money.

I’m not sure where this relationship is going anymore.
*I know exactly where it’s going, and it aint to wedding bells. No sex for you. *

You watch football and drink beer all the time!
Shit! You’re a guy? I guess I should’ve been a lesbian…

I feel like going out tonight and dancing.
I plan on getting sloshed on as many free drinks as I can get dumb guys to pay for.

I’m a good girl.
*Why, what have you heard about me? *

I would never do that!
*…and leave photographic evidence undestroyed. *

I’ve never done that!
…except this one time… in college…

You want a threesome! You’re disgusting!
Mmm… the poolboy and that 20-something guy at the grocery store with the tight ass… both obeying my every whim…

I’d like to do something romantic.
You need to spend some money here.

I’d like to do something really special and romantic.
It’s going to be a lot of money, you know.

Do you think I need a new pair of shoes?
No, of course you don’t. I have a closed full of them. I never wear half of them. I’m just letting you know that I’m taking our credit cards for a lil’ trip to the mall later today.

Which do I look better in, the blue one or the green one?
I’ve seen how you dress. You have no fashion sense. I know this, you know this. I am going to make you squirm now.

You never put the toilet seat down!
Sure, I never lift it up after I’m done out of courtesy for you. But that’s different! No sex for you.

Do you have to go out tonight with your buddies?
I was thinking that we could talk about our relationship until four am, and you’d rather have fun? What’s wrong with your priorities?!?

Awww, look at that kitten, it’s so cute!
Like a baby. Babies are cute. When are we going to get married and have children?

Do you think she’s good looking?
I caught you checking her out. I am now going to make you squirm, and you will lie to me, you will lie like a rug and tell me that her perky 36-D’s and ass that you could bounce a quarter off of are nothing speical.

What do you think of my friends?
I want you to tell me you like them, but bitch about them too and tell me how I’m cooler. But don’t bitch about them too much. If you mention the word ‘cute’ in conjunction with any of my friends… no sex for you.

I’m an independent woman!
But you’re still picking up the check.

Why should I dress differently because I’ve got a boyfriend?
Cuz, ya know, not having guys check me out all the time would drastically lower my chances of getting someone new the instant I decide I’m done with you.

Honey, would you please run over to the store and pick me up something?
If you say yes I’m going to smack you with a shopping list as thick as the phone book. And yes, you’ll be carrying armfulls of tampons.

You’re so nice to me!
You’re never getting sex from me. No, not ever.

You’re the sweetest guy I know!
And I will cry on your shoulder after I come home from fucking my outlaw biker boyfriend and tell you all about how he doesn’t respect me and I wish I could find a sweet guy. Then I’ll go fuck him again.

I like our friendship the way it is.
And thinking about your cock makes me want to vomit.

I just want to cuddle.
Adn yet, I know what blue balls are. See the power? See it? Good boy.

We need to talk.
If you have any last words, now would be a good time to say them.

I’m so upset!
And if you offer a solution which would fix my problem I’ll knee you in the groin.

*The previous statements were all tongue in cheek. Well, mostly :wink: *

Ay-fucking-men.

Ow, FinnAgain.

Although now I am going to be thinking, “Lie like a rug!” any time any male speaks to me. :smiley:

While driving along:

“Do you feel thirsty?”

“I feel thirsty. Stop the car as soon as possible.”

For outlaw biker may also be substituted obnoxious careerist, softball bum, himbo, coke-sniffing borderline sociopath, or outlaw biker wannabe.

My personal favorite:

“Nothing’s wrong…”

Not only is something wrong, but you’ve got exactly thirty seconds to read my fucking mind to find out what absolutely minuscule and insignificant thing you did to piss me off or you not only won’t hear my voice for three days you won’t have sex again until you grovel for forgiveness for something that wouldn’t offend anybody else on the fucking planet!

“Erica and I had a fight!”
“Put away your books. You’re not getting any studying done until I’m good and cried out over some damn thing that happened with our mutual best friend.”

“She was so mean to me!”
“I haven’t had my nap today, but I’ll only acknowledge that I need a daily nap after I wake up from it. Otherwise I get tired and surly.”

“She doesn’t care that I don’t have a job!”
“She was concerned about not being able to get a job with her LLM. I told her that I don’t have a 1L summer job and she blew me off.”

“I need a hug!”
“Get on the futon. Hands clasped directly below my shoulder blades. I’m going to sob on your shoulder for about 15 minutes. Offer me a glass of water 5 minutes in, and something alcoholic, preferably gin and bitter lemon, about three minutes later. Don’t open your mouth. If you don’t open your mouth there’s a good chance I’ll cry it out and feel better, whereas if you do I’ll keep yapping about it.”

“I love you, Tom, and I love Erica too.”
“Erica is like you without a dick. I really find it uncanny.”

“You’re awesome.”
“Sorry, Tom. You don’t look enough like Clark Kent to bed me. But that Erica-with-a-penis thing? Fantastic!”

“Oh, can I get your outline?”
“I need to borrow your outline, because lord knows YOU wouldn’t need it when I’ve taken up all your study time.”