This thread has rules: First, this is not a female-bashing thread. Second, don’t take it too seriously.
I’m a guy who is mystified by the ways of women. We just have different ways of communicating. So here’s the game. When a woman tells you something, what is she really saying? <=== Note the wink.
You’re sweet. Translation: “You’re really a nice guy. You’d make a wonderful boyfriend/husband/father. For someone else. There’s not a chance in hell I’ll ever sleep with you. But I don’t want to hurt your feelings.”
It’s not you. It’s me. Translation: “It’s you.”
What are you thinking right now? Translation: “Tell me you’re thinking of me, and that you love me.”
Bonus: Male-to-female translator. If a guy says something that can be taken either negatively or positively, he nearly always means it in a positive way.
[sub]Full disclosure: This thread is really just a humourous way for me to find out how to communicate with women, since I couldn’t catch a pass if it were a football![/sub]
I’ll call you. Sometimes I start to say something like, “not necessary” or “please, God, anything but that!” but then I realize, “I’ll call you” means “[I have no freakin’ idea what to say here, since hell will freeze over before] I’ll call you, [but I’m pretty sure she’d start crying or something if I actually said that, so I guess I’d better not].”
I’m not over my ex. Translation (H-to-F): “I don’t want to sleep with you, but I don’t want to hurt your feelings by turning you down flat.” (cf. It’s not you. It’s me.)
I expect it depends on a situation. If you aren’t already dating, then “I’m not over my ex” means “I don’t want to sleep with you.” If you are already dating, “I’m not over my ex” means “I can no longer continue to sleep with both of you.”
Also no matter what sort of positive way you mean it. Never, Ever, EVER tell a woman she looks big.
Leechboy made the mistake of trying to compliment me once by telling me that a t-shirt I was wearing made me look big (as in breast size). Big mistake.
I have trouble remembering that men need to be given clear directions. When I say to Leechoy “The washing needs to be put in the dryer”, he takes that as a statement of fact not an order to put washing in dryer ASAP.
Aaah, but leechie, women often get upset because they have interpreted a guy’s response of “I’ll do it later” as “I have no intention of doing it at all”.
Trust me, “later” means “later”.
If the washing has been there for three days, then five minutes more won’t matter.
Actually, I beg to differ with this one – in my experience, “I think we should just be friends” translates as “You will never see nor hear from me again,” while “I’ll call you” is more like “Eighteen months from now I will reappear and expect to pick up where we left off.” I suppose, to be fair, the person in question didn’t say exactly when he would call me.
I’m amazed at the inability of some individuals to understand that just because someone wanted to date you at one time doesn’t necessarily mean that she will want to date you forever.
The one that women say all the time which causes immediate cardiac arrest is, “We need to talk,” because it means a) I’m going to ask questions you’ll never answer to my satisfaction, and will then be pissed at you, or b) I’ve found out what you did and have been pondering the type of torture you’ll face in your sleep, or c) the conclusion reached last week after four hours of talk is invalid and the issue must be revisited, or d) my ex-boyfriend is back in town and I’m considering throwing your stuff in the street.
The washing reference above is a classic example of when I’m with any of my buddies and their wife would comment, “Do you guys realize what time it is?” Glance at watch, uh-huh. “You know you have to get up in the morning.” Uh-huh. “The trash goes out tonight.” Uh-huh. “Fine!” Back into the house, at which time we exchange knowing glances, a high five, and grab another beer.
Suppose you are in the pub and a guy comes over and starts chatting you up. What do you say, and what is the translation (for both guys you’re interested in, and guys you’re not)?
“Does this dress/shirt/blouse/pants make me look fat?”
What are you really asking here? I always have to bite my lip and not recount Al Bundy’s response, “It’s not the dress that makes you look fat…” As far as the laws of physics tell me, you’re the same weight you were before you tried on the new clothes.
<=== Note the wink.
