Why do women say the opposite of what they mean?

The BBQ Pit
1

Dooku: Where do want to eat tonight?

Mrs. Dooku: Oh, I don’t care. Any place is fine.

Dooku: OK, how about…Sushi?

Mrs. Dooku: ::makes icky face::

Dooku: Pizza?

Mrs. Dooku: Hmmm…eh…

Dooku: Italian?

Mrs. Dooku: Maybe…

Dooku: So you DO care.

Mrs. Dooku: No, no - any place is fine.

Dooku: Indian food?

Mrs. Dooku: ::looks up at ceiling:: Mmm…what else?

::Dooku gnaws off hand, bleeds out::

Dooku: I’m going out for a few beers and watch football with the guys - is that OK?

Mrs. Dooku: That’s fine. Tell everyone I said hello.

Dooku: Are you sure?

Mrs. Dooku: Yes, yes, have a good time.

::Dooku returns home::

Dooku: Why are you acting mad at me?

Mrs. Dooku: I wanted you to stay home and go to the beach with me today.

::Dooku leaps out window in front of bus::

Dooku: OK, so it’s down to Ghost World, or Kate and Leopold?

Mrs. Dooku: I don’t care - what do you want to rent?

Dooku: Well, I’ve been wanting to see Ghost World, but I will watch whatever you want to watch.

Mrs. Dooku: Let’s watch Ghost World. I heard it was good.

::movie is over::

Dooku: What did you think?

Mrs. Dooku: I liked it! It was funny!

::Dooku comes home next day, Mrs. Dooku is on the phone and doesn’t realize he’s home::

Mrs. Dooku: Yeah, we saw some boring weird movie last night. I wanted to rent Kate and Leopold…

::Dooku crams knitting needles into eyes::

Seriously, WHAT is up with this? What can’t you just say what you mean? Is this some sort of test? I’m not a goddamn SOOTHSAYER. If you tell me your opinion of something, I’m going to take your goddamn word for it, not search for the “real” or “hidden” meaning. What are you, the freakin’ Riddler? I love you, but you’re whipping me here.

Fuck FUCK FUCK!!!

2

That’s not something women do, that’s something passive-aggressive people who can’t say what they want do.

3

That first restaurant scenario? My ex-girlfriend. 100%.

Of course, I didn’t end up marrying her. :wink:

4

Definately not a “woman” thing. Definately a very immature, silly woman thing.

5

One, let’s be clear thta this isn’t a “waman” thing–it’s a some people thing.

Second, I’m merely explaining probable reasons for her behavoir, I’m not justyfying the first or the second.
First senario: She thinks that being vauge is being nice. She thinks that you will think she is pushy or opininated if she says “I’m not sure, why don’t you make suggestions and I will see if anything sounds good.”

Second Senario: She thinks that if she dosen’t let you go, you will call your friends and say “the wife won’t let me go” and then they will sit around all day talking about how pussywhiped you are these days and what a bitch she is.

The only way to cure her of these idea are by 1) continuing to never act irritated or peaved when she does offer an opinion and by 2) continuing to accept her statements at face value. This takes time.
Third senario: I’ll defend her here. She was doing a perfectly acceptable thing: she was giving you a gift and neither bitching nor moaning–she was being graceful. There’s nothing wrong with doing this–people give each other non-material gifts like this all the time, and as long s there are no hidden expectations or charges, it’s not only healthy, it’s crucial to a hppy relationship. The fact that you accedently heard how much the gift “cost” is a but of a social faux paus, but you should accept the gift in the spirit it was given–freely and without strings. You do the same all the time for her, and you’d hate it if everytime you did anything nice she was wondering “gee, does he really want to do that for me?”

6

The title of your thread should read “Why does Mrs. Dooku say the opposite of what she means?”

Jackass.

7

She wants to be a martyr, sacrificing herself for you. I’m not married, but any woman I date who says “I don’t care…” will wind up doing what I want. You don’t care what movie, we’re watching Lord of the Rings (again), don’t care what restaurant, I know at least one person will be eating well, me.

Any complaints are immediately sent to the round file cabinet, with the statement “next time, tell me what you want” I’m more than happy to get my way, if you’re unhappy with my decisions, make your own!

Hmmmm, maybe this is why I’m not dating right now…

8

Nah, I think this is a woman thing. Not an ALL woman thing, certainly, but enough of them that it’s become almost a stereotype.

Here’s an example of the difference between men and women, courtesy of John Gray:

If a man is working on something, and another man comes along and says, “Can I give you a hand?” The man will say, “Thanks! Can you hold this piece here like that?” Or, he’ll say, “Nah, I’m almost done.”

If a woman is working on something (say, making supper for a gathering), and another woman comes along and says, “Can I help?” Then the first woman will probably say, “Oh, no! You go relax.” But if the other woman says, “Great! Let me know when you’re finished.” she’s going to piss off the other one. Because you’re supposed to help anyway. It should be obvious that you can help. By asking, you’re looking for a way to avoid helping. But of course, it would be rude to say, “Yes, you can help me”, so you’re forced to say no. But if the other person accepts that answer and leaves, it’s not fair.

Or something. I think part of the point is that you aren’t SUPPOSED to ask. You’re supposed to just do it.

I’ve mentioned this exact scenario to lots of people, both male and female, and I almost universally get nods, laughter, and people saying, “That is SO true.”

Why can’t we accept that the sexes have strange quirks due to different ways of thinking about things? For example, I have never seen a woman get agitated to the point of wanting to fight just because another woman kept looking at her. But that’s a common male reaction. “You eyeballing me??? You being agressive towards ME???” It’s equally irrational, and a mostly male response. That doesn’t mean ALL males do that. Nor does it mean that NO females do it. But it’s a useful generalization.

9

I didn’t say this well, let me rephrase:

You’d hate it if you were only allowed to do nice things for your wife if you really, truly wanted to do that thing in some objective state. Sometimes what we really, truly want is to make our partners happy, and that isn’t passive aggressive bullshit. The passive aggressive bullshit is when you whine about it to them afterwards.

10

Useful for what? It’s never going to be useful in a relationship, because in a relationship you are always going to be better off paying attention to the actual person and how the actual person does things than in making assuptions based on their gender. My husband displays an awful lot of what John Grey would call “femine” traits: I display an aweful lot of “male” ones. If we’d trusted John Grey-type gender ideas instead of paying attention to each other, we’d have broken up in a matter of weeks. And I don’t think we are atypical in that regard.

11

Why do you think so many guys “turn gay”? :smiley:

:::d & r:::

12

Dooku, one way to get around this, is to not make suggestions. In each of those scenarios you expressed what your desire was, in a way that she interpreted it to be what you want to do as opposed to opening up a dialog on what to do as a unit. It’s passive-aggressive, but I think it’s also a flag going up about your relationship in general.

13

Manda Jo: Well, for example useful in not getting yourself beaten up in a bar because you held eye contact with some guy when you shouldn’t have.

14

You’re citing John Gray? This board is supposed to be fighting ignorance, not perpetuating it.

John Gray sold a crapload of books by stereotyping men and women. How many books would he have sold if the title was Men are from Earth and so are Women, and some of these Men and Women are Passive-Agressive Lying Sacks of Shit, but it has nothing to do with the fact that they are Male or Female?

15

Emphasis added.
John Grey is an idiot; you, Manda Jo, are brilliant.

16

John Gray is an idiot. Do not listen to him.

If I want something, I say so. If I need help in the kitchen, I’ll tell you.

Passive-aggressive behavior is not a gender thing, both do it. Both should be called on it and trained out of it, and this often takes time and help.

17

Jeez guys, who said that you’re supposed to use generalizations to deal with people in a relationship? That’s not what I said, and that’s not what Gray said. His specific example was a woman at a party going into the kitchen and offering to help another woman.

Generalizations can be useful when dealing with strangers or light acquaintances. Because you don’t have any other information. We all do it, all the time. If you’re walking down the street and a big guy in a biker jacket starts running towards you, are you going to stop to try and analyze whether or not this particular guy might just be a priest who likes to jog in biker garb, or are you going to try to make a decision by applying a generalization about bikers who charge at people?

18

But Sam, that has nothing to do with this situation–the Dookus are married. Yes, some generalizations can be useful in some circumstances. Other generalizations can be dangerous, and, at the very least, carry the risk of making you look stupid. The utility of each generalization is something that has to be discussed on a case-by-case basis. I hate to say it, but one can’t generalize about it.

In this situation, the people involved are married. They need to be paying attention to each other, and learning the patterns and motivations behind each other’s actions, not relying on generalizations. In these circumstances, generalizations tend to do more harm than good.

19

I see no problem with the generalization. Everybody knows women are weak-minded and don’t posess strong opinions and are incapable of sharing what opinions they do have. Just a quick glance across this board will show you the inability to share or express preference, a general failure of women everywhere.

There are lots of wishy-washy and indecisive female posters here.
For example, there’s…

ummmmm…

Give me a minute.

20

Oh yeah, and John Grey wasn’t writing books about how to get on with men and women you run into at parties–he was writing for married and wanting-to-bemarried people specifically.