If I’m remembering my sophomore Communications class correctly, women will frequently start conversations in a way that invites dialogue. Men are less interested in two-way dialogue as a communications vehicle and are less likely to feel they need to start conversations in a way that invites participation. This translates to:
Woman: “You know what? We should go to the beach this weekend.”
Man: “We should go to the beach this weekend.”
Woman: “Should we go out to dinner tonight?”
Man: “Let’s go out to dinner tonight.”
Woman: “Guess who I saw this morning – our friend X.”
Man: “I saw our friend X this morning.”
If this drives you nuts, I suggest having your annoyance meter turned down, because lots of women do it, purely unconsciously, and it seems more productive to grunt responsively than to get aggravated about it.
I guess I was just trying to solicit responses from other males who might have experienced this phenomenon. But it does indeed annoy me slightly. I mean, why not just come right out and discuss without open-ended, leading rhetoric?
Nah, the worst is “What are you feeling?” or “Tell me what you’re feeling.”
The accurate answer, of course, is "NOTHING! I was feeling nothing until the moment you asked, when in a process lasting three nanoseconds, whatever I was feeling was swamped out of existence by an instinctive roller-coaster that ran from ‘What can I tell you that will satisfy your question in the shortest possible time?’ to ‘Dammit, now I have to think up some feelings and pretend to be having them’ to ‘Now I have a headache behind my left eye.’ "
The correct answer, though, is to grunt in a vague manner.
I drive my husband batshit with this. I know I’m doing it, but at the same time, something-- which I can only surmize stems from my early childhood socialization-- holds me back from being direct about what I want. My language is one of timid suggestion, round-about questions and hints. He gets impatient sometimes and says, “Just tell me what you want!”
I know it’s got to be frustrating for him, but I can’t seem to stop myself from doing it.
Well, a woman might equally well think, “Why not start subjects in a more inviting, inclusive way without laying down the law? ‘This weekend we should do .’ ‘We need to talk about .’ Sir, yes sir, Asshole Sir! Can’t you converse in a mannerly way instead of just barking out your demands like that?”
Annoyance at gender differences in conversational styles cuts both ways, and I agree with Jodi that in both cases toleration is a better choice than irritation.
However, you could also certainly try bringing the subject up in a nice, friendly, non-judgemental way sometime when you’re not feeling immediately irritated by this behavior, and asking your wife pleasantly if she could please try to say things to you more directly. I recommend starting the conversation with a sympathetic and understanding leading question along the lines of “Honey, you know what kind of gets on my nerves sometimes?”
Like most other things in life, my husband and I have swapped traditional gender roles in this one. He’s always doing that, and it really annoys me. Worse, he actually wants me to really guess who he ran into on the train today. WTF? As if, A. I give a fuck and B. I have any actual hope of guessing right.
I’ve just started saying any random name that comes into my head. “Bing Crosby.” “Aunt Mae.” “The kid who sat next to you in third grade.” “Yoko Ono.”
Maybe I should be more precise about WHY this question instead of statement pattern bugs me.
It bugs me because it means I have to guess what he wants me to say. It absolves him of any responsibility for his own needs or wants. He doesn’t really want a discussion, he just doesn’t want to take a stand.
“Do you want to go to that movie this weekend?” means, “I want you to deal with getting a babysitter, finding out movie times and planning the day around this movie I want to see.”
“Do you think WhyKid should have ice cream after dinner?” means, “I don’t want him to have ice cream, but I don’t have the balls to say it, so you be the bad guy.”
“Do you think this tv show is appropriate for the kids?” means, “I don’t think this show is appropriate, but, again, I don’t want to be the bad guy, so even though you’re watching it with them and obviously have already determined it’s appropriate, you make them go in the other room now or turn off the show.”
It’s not that he doesn’t get a vote, but I’d rather he take responsibility and phrase it in terms of what he thinks or wants, not asking me what I think or want. Even saying, “I’d like to have a discussion with you about that show - I don’t think it’s appropriate for the kids.” would be better. Does that make any sense?
Oh sure, when my wife tells me about a conversation with someone she had earlier that day she tries to relate all the dialogue. I try to be nice about it but sometimes my eyes glaze over and she realizes that I just want to get the jist of what was said. I don’t need to know every little word.
Right away we have a situation were I am responsible for identifying what you want to do, and simultaneously agree that we ought to do it. The only thing left after that is for me to cheerfully express my joy that you reminded me how much I wanted to do it.
And, then next weekend, it will be your turn to choose what we do, since this weekend we did my stuff.
“I think we ought to watch at least five NFL games, and send out for pizza and beer. Maybe we should invite Ralph, and Ed.”
Or how about “Well yes, I do have some ideas for what we might do this weekend; what did you have in mind?”
No guessing, blind acquiescence, or pretense of enthusiasm for unappealing suggestions required whatsoever.
(Honestly, it boggles my mind that guys could even imagine that a question beginning “You know what…?” is supposed to be seriously answered at all, much less answered with a telepathically accurate identification of what the questioner was thinking, for heaven’s sake. The only necessary response to “You know what…?” or “Guess what…?” is “What?” Or even a mildly interrogative grunt.)
My GF uses what appear to be entirely rhetorical questions in a non-rhetorical way. For example, she’ll relate a long anecdote about the personal history between her and someone else, which will lead up to something like, “And then, three years later, who do you think I bumped into at the post office?”
With most people, this is the cue to insert some minimal non-verbal vocal response (“Mmmm,”) or at most a general acknowledgement like “Of course…”
Not with her: The entire story grinds to a halt until I supply the name of the person she’s speaking about.
At first, I thought that this was some sort of artifact of English being her second language.
Then I realized that it just serves to verify that I’m actually paying attention.
I follow along closely, because I know there will be a quiz at the end.
The one that gets me is “Don’t you want to…?”, which is my wife’s way of say she wants something, and she wants me to go get it. If it’s just getting something out of the fridge or from the next room, she asks for it directly. The more out of the way and inconvenient it is, the more she tries to suggest that it’s something I really want. And it never is. I keep telling her that it’s not running errands that bugs me, it’s the constant dancing around her real request.
It reminds me of how my parents would ask “would you like to mow the lawn?”
Even worse is “I’m feeling…” Don’t get me wrong; sharing feelings is great, but it makes it impossible to discuss anything when every response starts with “That makes me feel…”
“I’m really tired; would you mind driving tonight?”
“That makes me feel like you don’t want to do things for me.”
“I was hoping we could go to my best friend’s party this weekend.”
“That makes me feel like you don’t care what my needs are.”
Also annoying are the “trap” questions:
“Do you think she’s pretty?”
“Do you think this blouse I’m wearing is too low cut?”
“What would your ideal woman be like?”
Translation:
“Do you think I’m pretty?”
“Do you think I’m pretty?”
“Am I your ideal woman?”
I’m still with Leaffan on this. The examples given aren’t really inviting or inclusive, they’re just unnecessarily worded as questions:
You know what we should do this weekend?
You’ll never guess who I ran into today?
Do we have plans for next Friday?
To make it genuinely inclusive, it should be changed to:
-I’d really love to go to wine country/bed & breakfast/the moon this weekend. Would you like to do that?
Excuse me, Mr OP: the fact that you are married to my mother (who is female, as mothers usually are) does not mean that I speak like that. And last time I went to the bathroom I still was female.
