Now that Daylight Savings Time has kicked, I am remined of several conversations that
inevitably spring up. I’m sure you heard these and probably been a part of them, too:
“Let’s see…it’s 11 o’clock, but it’s really 10 o’clock, right?” (in reference to the time
change)
“Hell, for a million dollars, I’D fight Tyson.”
“If I win the lottery, I’ll…”
“What do you mean, you don’t think (insert celebrity/sports star here) isn’t (insert
superlative here). What are you? Crazy?”
Voted Best Sport
And narrowly averted the despised moniker Smiley Master
Forward deployed until 18AUG00
"You know what I think? I think that wrestling is rigged/ufos are real/AOL sucks. "
"I’ve heard about this gang that drives with their headlights off. . . " (I hear this one all the time! My friends need to study up urban legends.)
“I need the biggest seed bell you have. . . no, that’s too big.”–Hans Moleman
What are you thinking?
Oh MAN!..you get that too?..Sometimes I think my wife belongs to the “thought police”!
“The Cubs will win the World Series this year. They’re going all the way. They have a strong team.”
(Or is it just my husband that says this?)
I never hate myself in the morning. I sleep till noon.
–Sig line courtesy of Wally 
When you lose your keys…“Did you check your pockets?”
Why do you always have to leave the lid up?
Do you have to try to watch 75 channels in
10 seconds?
Do I cook as good as your mom?
What’s the object of football?
Why can’t you manage to put the cap back on the toothpaste?
Why do you have to go out with the guys, why can’t you and I go out?
Are you supposed to have leftover parts for the car?
Why does your mother hate me?
** Sigh. So many men, so few who can afford me ** Original by Wally
I’ve learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.
Sheesh, you guys have it easy. My favorite is, “You know, I’ve always wanted to know something about being queer…” usually asked by a sloshed straight boy (and not, alas, as a prelude to be seduced). Oy. I’m actually getting good at getting up and leaving at that point.
As my friend Steven was once heard to remark, “I don’t have time to be your personal educational experience.”
Esprix
How about my personal favorite: “Are you feeling alright?” Um…sorry. If you wanted me to be quiet and demure, just say so. Don’t insinuate that my mental status is altered. Feh.
What about when you lose something (keys, etc.) and someone asks you: “Did you check the last place you had them?” Um, no. I just randomly announce something is missing without looking in the most logical location. FEH.
What’s for supper? (followed closely by) When are we gonna eat?
Did you do your homework?
(invariably asked the day before payday, as if I hadn’t spent every goddam cent in my wallet and paid for gas with four rolls of pennies) - Can you lend me $15 for (lunch/babyshower/going-away party/gas/cigarettes/parking/prescription/beer) ? (followed closely by) What the hell do you do with all your money?
I think I heard the cat hawking up a hairball. Watch your step.
So…you’re a housewife…have you ever worked outside the home?
When someone duffs a shot in golf:
“You lifted your head.”
"So, do you stilllive at/go with/go to (name of institution)/plan to] ?
“Are you listening to me?”
I have to say, the downside to my somewhat non-conformist appearance is a lot of dumb questions. Every day, it’s:
How did you get your hair like that? (I dyed it. Duh.)
How do you grow your nails so long? (I don’t cut them. Duh.)
Did it hurt to get your nose pierced? (Duh.)
And then, since I’m a college student, there’s the inevitable “What are you going to do with your life” sorts of questions:
Math major, eh? What are you going to do with your degree? (Beats me.)
Finally, there’s my dad, who’s in a class all his own. It seems, somewhere down the line, he became convinced that I can’t stick to any decisions I make. (Actually, nothing could be further from the truth. I am rather obstinate and pigheaded about things like that, a trait I inherited from…) Anyway, it seems like every time I see him, it’s the same thing:
So, how are your math classes going? You are still majoring in math, right? (Last time I checked…)
Glad to hear the semester went so well. Are you going to register for the next one? (No, after working so hard to keep my GPA up, I’m going to pack it in and join a convent.)
I think that if I eliminated all the stupid and redundant questions from my life, I could have enough time to do more worthwhile things. Or post here, one or the other.
Heck is where you go when you don’t believe in Gosh.
LOL, salinqmind. I thought I was the only one who showed up at the gas station with handfuls of change I found under the sofa cushions. Is there anything worse than 5 days and 5$ to payday?
Drink up, dear. I made it just for you.
sig by WallyM7
Usually these unavoidable conversations occur while I’m on the job, unfortunately.
“I’m in a hurry, why did you pull me over?”
(When you fry out my radar gun, it’s a quaint, local, custom in this county to write a ticket)
“Don’t you have anything else better to do?”
(No, unfortunately my radar gun is not powerful enough to track UFOs or Russian submarines. It disappoints me not to be able to contribute to the national defense or scientific research.)
“I’ve waited over 30 minutes for you guys to show up and take a report on my vandalized lawn ornament”
(I understand sir, it’s just that the last hole of the course has this vicious dogleg and bunker)
This is one that I hate off-duty:
“So, where do you hide your gun and badge?”
::sigh:: (This goofy looking fanny pouch is not a trend-setting fashion statement. Please go away.)
Oh well…
…send lawyers, guns, and money…
Warren ZevonTom~
Post here! Post here! Having a life is overrated… 
Esprix
Ask the Gay Guy! (or, if you prefer the Jesusfied version, Asketh the damn Priest Guy!)
“You never listen to me.” As if I were put on this earth to obey your commands.
“Why do I have to?” Because you were put on this earth to obey my commands.
“Your crazy. Why did you do that?” Because I’m crazy.
$. “You know what?” Yes I do know what, now stop pestering me.
The joys of marriage and parenthood.