I think there is a middle ground, and in my family’s case, my parents were at or slightly to the easier for me side of the line.
We were supported through college because my parents felt that was what they wanted for us, and the fact is that these days it’s hard to get a good job without at least a first degree. Also in England at the time I went it was the norm to get a grant and go away to college, there were no loans.
So my parents paid my grant shortfall, forbade me to work in term time because college was my work, and expected me to work during the summers to reduce their contribution somewhat.
Then after I graduated I did take out a one year student loan to do a post graduate qualification, but midway through I became sick and wasn’t getting better. In the end they helped me to pack up the course and move back home for three months, so that I could concentrate on getting to the hospital, eating properly and recovering. My loan was frozen and I paid it back by myself. The course unfortunately went down the drain.
Once I was better I lived at home for a further six months while I applied for job after job in my field and was rejected because there was a hiring freeze on at the time. I did get a job on a local farm for that time and spent my days pruning ornamental bay trees! My parents (this bit is cushy I admit!) told me to use the money for paying off my debt, and waived living expenses so long as I was applying for “real” jobs.
Long story short, they saved my bacon at age 22, and I will be forever grateful. They have continued to help out to their ability ever since, but I don’t expect it, and it has never been such big help again.
My brother did actually live with them for nearly three years in his late twenties and early thirties, because he was transferred on a temporary three month contract to a job in our home town. It seemed a good idea at the time to stay with our parents but the project was extended by dribs and drabs for such a long time that it became a burden to everyone. It was horrible because he couldn’t rent somewhere for such short stretches, and he kept being told his next job would be in a different part of the country. He finally (waaaaaay to late) solved the problem by resigning and going to another job and starting again. Would you have allowed that kind of circumstance, bird people?
We now have two children of our own, and I hope to do the middle ground thing. As both of our parents helped significantly with our college expenses, both my husband and I want to contribute to our kids expenses. But these days in the place we now live, it is monstrously expensive, and it is not possible that we will do as much as our own parents did. We have a savings fund appropriate to our current income, and it is reviewed every year. Sometimes it goes down. The kids will get what we managed to save at the appropriate time, then they will have to make the shortfall up themselves.
It’s sometimes a fine line between supporting adult children and enabling them, but I am grateful that I have always felt that I’ve been able to at least approach my parents and put my problems before them, with hope of being helped in some way, and not being told “on yer bike”