Parents:when will (did) you stop bailing out your kids?

In My Humble Opinion
1

My very best friend has a son that can charitably be described as a ne’re-do-well. Forget that–he’s a trainwreck. He’s 30, an unmarried father, unemployed, just got his 2nd DUI, and on the verge of homelessness. So, my friend has decided to have him move in with her. (He isn’t mentally retarded or anything–as far as I can tell, he’s just totally unmotivated)

Long ago, I gave up having honest discussions with my friend about her enabling him. I suppose that she feels responsible for the way he turned out. But, hell, doesn’t a parent have to let go sometime? Would you let your child ruin your life as well as their own?

2

My kids aren’t old enough yet for me to stop bailing entirely; they’re 10 and 6.

To some extent, though, we’ve stopped bailing on certain items already. My eldest, if she forgets her glasses at home or omits to bring assignment folder back to school, she knows better than to call home for them. (FWIW, her glasses aren’t mandatory, but used on an as-needed basis). She is responsible for these items and has been reminded for some time that she needs to have them with her at school. If she blows it, the consequences are on her.

We plan to pretty much “scale up” on that attitude with the big deal stuff later. Part of “the talk” in our household will include the frank statement that certain things our kids may choose to do in their teens cannot be fixed by us, nor should they expect us to. If they get pregnant, etc. they have set in motion a chain of events that cannot be fixed for them, but that they must deal with themselves. If any unplanned kids should come along, I can’t drop my career and deal with it, nor should I. Maybe my kid might have to earn a GED instead of a high school diploma whilst working 40 hours/week at McDonald’s. I’d still provide her with a home until she turned at least 18, but that would be about it.

From what I’ve seen, bailing so seldom works. Things seem to go better when kids are told from the get-go that their parents aren’t responsible for the kids’ actions – the kids are. If the kid screws up, whether on forgetting homework at 10 or getting a girl pregnant at 16, they tend to be more responsible in the long run if the parent “allows” them to deal with what they’ve done rather than protecting them from it. IMHO.

Oh, and 30 is waaaaaaaayyyyy too old to be bailing out a kid. At least not without a very short, strict time limit for whatever charitable action a parent bestows (you can live here for a month while you find another apartment – once!)

Mrs. Furthur

3

Well, it’s still working for my brother, 48; Mom’s still making his car payments, cooking, doing his laundry, and he’s still living rent free. I envision them when she’s 100 and he’s in his 70’s still doing the same dance. Trust me; there is nothing you can say or do to change the situation.

4

My Brother in law is 34. living with divorced dad, swings by the divorced mom for food, is unemployed and spends what little money he’s got on video games.

Neither of the parents are in the best of health (smoking family, mom may have cancer - we’re still diagnosing). There is no possible way he’s darkening our doorstep.

He’s got this reality distortion field around him. When you’re talking about him in his absence, the whole situation seems patently stupid…when he’s there, it’s a lot harder to be mad at him. It’s wierd.

5

We stopped bailing my stepson out at age 16. He’s a druggie, finally got caught with pot at school and got kicked out. When he showed up at juvie court for the ticket, he was stupid enough to show up stoned. The judge sent him with the bailiff for an on-the-spot drug test; he bingoed and she threw his stupid ass in jail for a week. We left him there instead of bailing him out and when he got out, we told him that we would never go bail for him if he got arrested again for any reason at all.

6

There tend to be 2 types of parent: Lions & Birds.

The Lion Types: Who fiercely protect their children right or wrong and allow them to lay around doing nothing all day.
&
The Bird Types: Who push their offspring out of the nest after a preset amount of time. If they splat, ah well too bad.

I’m following my parents bird example with my 2 kids. They know when they reach they age of 18 that I declare my emancipation. Their room becomes a library the moment they reach 6,575 days old. If they wanna go to college, they’re paying. I’ll be damned if I’m going to release two additional members of the we-want, entitlement brigade into society.

7

Hmm, bit of a false dilemma, that last post. Mine are only 7 & 9 but I don’t plan on making them persona non grata just because they’ve committed the crime of turning 18. Neither do I plan to continue supporting them endlessly. I plan to offer various kinds of support (not necessarily financial) throughout the rest of my life.

Nonetheless, 30 is too old to be coddled by anybody’s standards. Inability or unwillingness to live your own life is a bad reason to be taken in. That leads to a vicious cycle. He’ll never improve so why let yourself be dragged down with him?

These situations, like the 48-year-old BIL described farther above, probably occur because it meets the twisted needs of both parties. Maybe this is what co-dependency is (don’t ask me, ask a shrink).

8

Well, there’s black & white, and then there’s grey.

I think letting them freeload after they’re out of school/got a job is enabling. But perhaps what if they’re out on their own, getting along OK, doing the right things, but hit a tight spot. I’d help then, no question, as long as it’s not an annoyingly recurring thing.

9

I’m glad that I’ve never needed to be seriously bailed out. However, on one occasion, I have had to borrow money from my mom - a whopping $300. We agreed to a monthly payment plan and it’s been taken care of. (Not to mention the fact that 3-4 years ago, hubby and I loaned her $1000.) I can’t imagine being the type of person who mooches for their whole life.

10

I have a friend that helps her slacker daughter too much.

My friend says that she thinks there is something ‘wrong’ with her daughter and she feels guilty (like it may be her fault) about it, and that she’s afraid to let the daughter fail at much because something ‘bad’ may happen.

It’s my opinion that all this helping doesn’t really help the daughter to grow up.

11

This thread comes at a very trying time - I mean, almost simultaineous.

About a minute ago I spoke with my older brother for the first time in several days. I had tried to reach him but he’s been unavailable. Now I know why.

His oldest son (my nephew) is 27. His girlfriend called my brother last Wed. and said “You have to come get X. I want him out of my house.” X has lived with this girl for about 6 years in FL. My entire family lives in VA. The reason he’s been kicked out? He’s a heroin addict.

My brother is completely shaken. They’ve managed to get X into a treatment facility up here, but it has taken alot of doing. No one else in my family knows except me - it would just crush our parents (who think the world of X). He was always a charmer - could talk you into or out of anything. He and my mother are particularly close.

Of coure, he’s 27 and that’s plenty adult enough. Still, I don’t think you cut and run on your child when he’s going through this.

Damn. This is seriously fucked up.

12

Well, I’m almost 33, and pretty well have my shit together.

However, I live in comfort knowing that if I did ever totally lose it, my dad would bail me out no matter how old I was.

It’s very reassuring, even if I never use it.

13

A good friend of mine must have warned her son about drinking and driving a thousand time in my hearing. She always told him not to do it, that she would come get him, etc. and that if he got a DUI she would not bail him out.

He got a DUI.

She bailed him out.

14

You can say you won’t do this and shouldn’t do that, but when the time comes you’ll do what you have to do.

Last week we gave our 34-year old son and his wife $1500. He changed jobs and his old employer “held back” his last month’s pay. ??? :rolleyes:

New employer won’t pay until two more weeks have passed. There are three grandchildren in the house ages 7 through 14. They are out of food and within 24 hours of having the electricity turned off.

This isn’t the first time for any of them (five grown kids between us) and it won’t be the last. They get you over a barrel with the little ones.

What are you gonna do? We gave them $1500. Say what you will now, if or when that time comes for you, you’ll do the same.

15

But I don’t think that’s the issue. It’s not what you do when life deals a self-sufficient family member a crap sandwich, it’s when that person NEVER shows an IOTA of self-sufficiency and then continues to do the same crap.

Brother in question mentions how he wished he’d had as nice a car as I do. Well, there’s no one to blame but him for the lack of resolve to do something about it.

16

First, Mrs. Furthur, you are a wonderful parent!

We’re not directly going through this, as we’re too young to have children 18 or older (we don’t have any kids yet), but we’ve been affected by this type of situation. It’s my 22-year old BIL.

As somone posted above, my MIL is a “Lion”. No matter what her kids do, she will find fault in someone else and forget about the punishment for the kids. Somehow my husband escaped a lot of this, but she still defended him to the hilt. He was a good kid though, so the damage wasn’t as bad as with the other two.

Basic overview: my BIL is an irresponsible 22 year old. He is separated from his wife of 8 months who over the summer she had him arrested for domestic abuse. Now, for all his faults - and there are many, he is no wife-beater. We finally got her to drop the charges and they’ve went their own ways.

From about 15 years old on, he started dabbling in drugs. The problem got worse as he got more brave, he tried new stuff, had to spend more money. He can never keep a job due to his habits, in fact I’d hate to see what he’ll do during tax season. Due to all the moves and the 20+ jobs he’s had this year, he’ll never account for all of it. Anyways, this combination set the rest of the family up for more problems. He started stealing, little things at first, then progressively got worse. He would pawn guitars, power tools, anything to get more money for drugs. While him and his wife were together, they somehow conned both sets of parents into giving them rent money each month - but they still were late and barely kept the electricity on! So, we now know all that money went to drugs, meth to be exact.

We thought after they split up, he would calm down. This was a traumatic experience for him and we gave him a chance by letting him move in with me and my DH. He only lived with us 7 days before we kicked him out. We set down rules for him to help him get his life together (he has very little self-control), simple things like no smoking in the house, flush the toilet when you pee, don’t waste food, don’t go in our bedroom uninvited, don’t use any of our personal toiletries (he had plenty of his own - hair stuff, toothpaste, etc.). We also gave him a curfew because it wasn’t unlike him to take off for days at a time. He would get a job and pay us rent and we’d put away a good amount in a savings account so he would have a down-payment for his own place. Do you think he listened? No! He stayed the first night at our house, then we didn’t see him for two days. Then he’d come home, mess up the house, leave wet towels on the carpet, smoke in the house, steal things from us, etc. We couldn’t do it anymore.

His mom on the other hand makes all kinds of excuses for him. I understand he’s sensitive, but he has no empathy for what he puts everyone else through. Right now, my in-laws are getting divorced. Since neither of the kids have jobs (they’re both adults), she asked them to help her around the house in exchange for a roof over their head and food in their stomach. Do you think either one could do anything? No, in fact my BIL keeps stealing his father’s belongings and my MIL keeps getting accused of selling these items. Yet she doesn’t want him punished for it.

The SIL is not much better. Luckily, she has a real independent streak in her and loves money. She also has not only a drug problem, but a drinking problem. One night, she told me she had a bottle of whiskey, 10 downers, and a gram of coke in 24 hours. How she isn’t dead is beyond any of us. She is very lucky, especially when you look at all the accidents she’s been in! Some of which she’s caused (all while not being sober) and others where the driver wasn’t sober. There have been more than 3 accidents she’s been in where the police say they can’t understand how she isn’t hurt, let alone dead. But the positive is she wants out of her mom’s house asap and loves to work all the time. Just she can’t stop totalling cars, so she has no transportation.

It’s a mess and we keep telling MIL to let them go and have them figure things out on their own, but she’s so afraid they’ll end up in jail or dead. I told her she did the best she could and they are adults and she has no obligation to take care of them anymore. We’ve all told her she’s enabling them, but it never sinks in. On top of all this, the father (my FIL) hasn’t ever cared about the family, he’s had affairs for 25+ years, never is there for the kids, doesn’t care, and is a self-absorbed jerk. I once witnessed him telling my SIL she was fat at the age of 15! First, you don’t tell your teenage daughter she’s fat, and second - she’s not anywhere NEAR fat. She worked at Hooters and has been a cheerleader her entire life! He also said he loved having a daughter because of the slumber parties and he said wanted to put a pool in the yard so she could invite all of her friends over to prance aorund in their bikinis. Yuck!

::sigh::

This is a tough position to be in and I truly believe that there are bad kids/adults, but I think parenting has such a big impact on everything.

17

Seriously?

This strikes me as incredibly depressing. Haven’t you ever heard of a reasonable middle ground?

18

If they wanna go to college, they’re paying. I’ll be damned if I’m going to release two additional members of the we-want, entitlement brigade into society.
[/QUOTE]

People like you should never breed.

My parents have given me the same treatment. Granted, I do have a plan to go into college in my mid to late twenties without going into crippling debt with student loans but it sure would have been nice but if my parents had actually put some money in a mutual fund for my education for the first 18 years like all my other friends parents did… well, maybe I wouldn’t be so bitter.

If my parents want grandchildren, screw them. I’m not breeding. The line is broken!

19

People like you should never breed.

My parents have given me the same treatment. Granted, I do have a plan to go into college in my mid to late twenties without going into crippling debt with student loans but it sure would have been nice but if my parents had actually put some money in a mutual fund for my education for the first 18 years like all my other friends parents did… well, maybe I wouldn’t be so bitter.

If my parents want grandchildren, screw them. I’m not breeding. The line is broken!
[/QUOTE]

Oh, brother. There’s definitely got to be a middle ground here.

What if the parents can’t afford to pay for college? We’ve got two kids and would love for them to go to university, but we’ve never been able to save the $4,000 per year per kid that it will cost. It is unlikely we will ever be able to do so without eating so far into our respective retirements that we would be a burden on those self-same kids later in their lives. There are lots of parents and would-be parents in the same situation. Should we not have bred? Or should we encourage our kids not to go to college? Or should we accept that they might need to get loans, and see what we can do for them at the time?

I do put away some money as I can. I also have a plan to try and get their colleges for free (academic librarian, so my kids might get a break where I work).

All this said, I don’t think my kids are entitled to have me pay for their college. We’re all in this together, and if we can help them, we will. If we can’t, they’re going to have to make their own way financially. I’m glad your friends’ parents were in a position to save, but not everyone is, and I don’t think it should be taken for granted by kids that their parents must save for them. It’s a good thing to strive for, but not always achievable, and is sometimes even too much of a sacrifice for the parents to make.

Of course, if your parents are taking trips around the world and redoing their kitchen to the tune of $60,000 while they tell you they can’t afford to help you, that’s a different situation. But tough as it is – it’s their money. It may be screwed up in your eyes, but there’s always a chance they think they’re helping you (to develop character, stand on your own two feet, whatever) by not paying.

Mrs. Furthur

20

There’s a third kind. The kind that will help a child within reason-for example, allow them to live at home while attending a commuter college or contribute to tuition, but will not go into debt or pay off the child’s student loans. The sort who might loan an otherwise responsible child a few hundred dollars when an unplanned emergency comes up, but won’t turn the $375 dollar speeding ticket into the parent’s problem rather than the child’s. The sort who might be willing to care for a grandchild while the parents work - but not for free.