No digital presence as a minor? I’m OK with that. No presence as an adult? That’s a bit fishy, although some people may have very good reasons for doing that. There are a few people I have been unable to find online, and they aren’t listed in any death indexes either.
I have almost no presence online (except for here). Most of my friends and family are the same. I’ve personally never posted any pictures of self or family, and I don’t like the idea of doing so.
But having said that, I’ve got no problem with parents posting every day of their kids life, including naked, toilet, diaper, and bath shots. And I think kids who turn into teenagers and then protest are just kids who’ve turned into teenagers and will one day grow up and get over themselves.
It feels like you are saying I should not have asked my child his preference on whether I post his picture on social media, and instead, just done what I felt like doing, which was to post the picture. Is that correct?
Two thoughts on this:
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How is not posting something he doesn’t want posted doing any harm?
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How does posting on social media have anything at all to do with medical procedures and rides to school?
We don’t have Facebook, and I only share pics of my kids with family and friends. Mostly using the app LINE which is ubiquitous in many countries in Asia, although I email to my mom.
I think there are enough nakkid baby pics out there that the world didn’t miss ours’.
Our neighbor is a professional photographer and wanted to take pics of our kids. In return for free copies he wanted to use them in advertisements for his business. We declined. I didn’t feel that strongly but wife was firmly against it.
Neither my wife nor I or our kids have used facebook, twitter, instagram or anything like it. None of their pictures or ours have ever been posted online by us and we never give our permission for anyone else to do so (schools, clubs etc.). When other members of our family did make a posting on facebook without our permission we asked them to take it down and they did. Recently, and completely unsolicited by me, my 13 year old daughter said how glad she was that we have nothing to do with social media. There’d been some bullying issues amongst some of her friends on social media and she was so glad to be completely out of it.
I strongly dispute that a lack of a digital presence is “fishy” in some way. What exactly is wrong with retaining privacy? what do you need to know about me or my family that you can’t gain by asking me a question?
I thought of this when my son was born just over three years ago. My wife took a pic and posted it to Facebook on the day he was born, so he has had a social media presence from day one. And in three weeks when the second one arrives undoubtedly my wife will stick his first pic online as well.
I can barely imagine what it will be like for my sons to grow up in the oversharing social media world we’ve created but it’ll be normal to them.
I agree with the distinction between public and private online photos. If someone wants to post a bunch of pics of their kids to share with friends, that’s not a big deal. I don’t have any friends on Facebook that don’t do at least some of the usual annual pics like the first day of school, the Christmas photo, the Easter outfit, etc. And I do know some who are just excited by their kids and post a lot. And the ultrasound is always up there if someone gets pregnant.
But those are not public photos. At most they have “Friends of Friends” permissions, though I would recommend limiting to just “Friends” or fewer.
It isn’t until you get to public photos where it starts to seem skeevy to me. I know there are photos my parents have taken of me that I would not want to be public. None are so bad that they couldn’t be shown to friends, but they exist. And that was in the film days.
I think the traditional authoritarian response is you shouldn’t ask them because it gives them a false impression that their thoughts or feelings have any meaning at all, or that you care what they think.
There’s a lot of people that raise kids. For people like that, your story is disturbing like someone having the dog eat at the table is disturbing. It’s subverting the natural order of things.
Next stop, dogs and cats living together.
I believe there are some decisions about which kids can be consulted, all the while it is clear that the ultimate decision and responsibility for the consequences belongs to the parent. Not because kids’ thoughts or feelings don’t matter but because it gives them more responsibility than young shoulders should be expected to bear. I’m talking about young children, say, pre-adolescent.
The place I used to see this was when I watched House Hunters. The parents were trying to make a major decision about a house purchase, and they wanted to check with the kids or see if the kids agreed. I think asking the kids, do you think it would be fun to have a swimming pool or space for a horse is fine, but it should be clear to the kids that the ultimate decision and RESPONSIBILITY is on the parents’ shoulders. Good grief, deciding which house to buy is a huge burden for a 40-year old, let alone a six-year old. Later if something goes totally wrong, believe me, that kid will think, “I made them do it,” just like kids can conclude that they were responsible for the parents’ breakup (if that happens). Kids should be responsible for kid things, not adult things.
As for posting on social media, I can see a parent saying, “When you’re a teenager and you have had a few years to see what the social media world is like, what happens to the pictures, how people react, etc., then you’re in a position to take responsibility. Until then, it’s my responsibility as a parent to tell you not to post pictures. It’s not that your opinion/feelings don’t matter, but you’re opening a Pandora’s Box* that can’t be walked backwards.” Or something like that.
- Accompanied with Pandora story.
I believe Flyer is arguing that if you want to post pictures of kids and feel it is appropriate to do so, giving them the option to NOT post them is bad practice, because it will give them ideas beyond their station.
I tend to feel that if a child stridently requests that a parent NOT post a picture, there are precious few occasions where i think it would be okay to ignore than request.
I agree. I look at it a lot like I look at kids’ menu choices. As they get older and understand more, they get more input and autonomy depending on the decision.
For example, our kids would get totally overruled if they were demanding chips and chocolate for breakfast. We would probably consult them as to whether, as a family, we were going to prepare waffles or pancakes And we’d probably let them make the decision of whether they want syrup and/or butter themselves.
Right now, any decision my son might make about posting a picture on social media would be meaningless, as he has little awareness of what social media even is, much less what any consequences of posting a picture might be. (actions and consequences are something he’s still getting a handle on in general, unfortunately).
But as he gets older, there’ll be a point at which he wants to have a social media presence. I imagine first it’ll be a curated thing- he’ll do it, but in conjunction with us. And as he gets older, we’ll lay down certain ground rules- what the security settings are, what sorts of pictures, who can be in them- e.g. if you want to post pictures with your brother, you have to get his consent, etc… The eventual goal would be to have him be prepared for and guided into that particular maelstrom of craziness and unreality rather than just swept in without any preparation.