(Mild hijack)
Hmm… my names in here some place, though i can’t find it.
Creepy.
This better not be some kind of twilight zone thing where i keep seeing hints that i’m gonna die untill i eventually get so paranoid i wind up killing my self some how in an ironic (hopefully sexy) twist.
(Mild hijack)
There you go Upham
Arrgh…the whole point of funerals and wakes and memorial services and whatnot are for the people who are still here. I can attest that when a family member dies – unfortunately, that has happened to me several times – I am not concerned over where they are. I don’t even pretend to know if they are somewhere, let alone where that is.
So hearing something like, “He’s in heaven now,” is not comforting, and I really want to grab whoever says something like that to me by their collars and scream, “I don’t care! I’m upset because I want him back, dammit, not because I think he’s in hell!”
There’s a book sitting at work on the lunch table called “Don’t ask for the dead man’s golf clubs.” Don’t know how it got there, but it’s been there for a week. It’s filled entirely with things you should not do or say at a funeral.
Anyway, 23 responses and only one Monty Python reference? We’re fixing that toot-sweet!
It’s not pinin,’ it’s passed on! This parrot is no more! It has ceased to be! It’s expired and gone to meet its maker! This is a late parrot! It’s a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed him to the perch he would be pushing up the daisies! Its metabolical processes are of interest only to historians! It’s hopped the twig! It’s shuffled off this mortal coil! It’s run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible! This… is an EX-PARROT!
I think you would have to be President of the US (or Russia, I don’t think France, China, the UK, Israel, Pakistan, India or any other country could pull this off). I think those are the only two people that could take ALL of us with them.
I think it would go something like this:
Sub Girl: Uh, Tank Girl, we have a small problem here. Jet Girl has chosen this moment to shuffle off her mortal coil.
Tank Girl: She can get another one inserted when we get home.
If I had died laughing at that, would you have been sorry?
Argh…!
The one that drives me nuts has to be the use of the word “late”…
So-and-so’s late wife…
Nope, she could never make it on time, the tardy bitch… Maybe they were afraid she was pregnant since she was late…
Dead. Very very very very DEAD. What’s so wrong with the word?
Sheesh.
Ok, thanks…I just spit my grilled cheese sandwich out all over my keyboard! 
I have heard “passed” my whole life, but I always attributed it to the people I heard it from being much older. I can’t recall hearing people in my age group, or younger, saying it. I guess they seem to feel it’s more “polite”, and I suppose many might agree.
Sometimes it’s a little easier on the ears (and mind) of the person who has had a death in their family recently if they hear, “I heard your father passed, and I am very sorry” than it would be to hear, “I hear your father took the dirt nap last week. Sorry to hear it.”
Many people hear “dirt nap” when the word “died” is spoken. It must be sort of an ingrained reflex to dodge the word.
My grandmother died last fall. I was on a ship when it happened, and my mother tracked the captain down via marine RT to get me to call home. When we got into a port, I called (knowing full well why I had to call home, it wasn’t unexpected). She told me “Nan passed away this morning.”
I wanted to get mad at her for using that expression, especially since the last time I saw Nan, she rather coldly said “this is probably the last time you’ll ever see her alive.” Why mess around with euphemisms now? I refrained, although I nearly burst out laughing at the thought of dressing her down for using it, under the circumstances.
One of these days I’ll give her that linguistic re-education, though…
Why none but virtual saints and angels ever die? Devoted Father, loving Mom, greatest Auntie ever? Best Uncle, Darling Sister, dearly missed Brother.
When ARE we going to find an obituary that says " He was the Bastard Of All time" “She was a bitch on wheels!”
I want my obituary to say something like that!
Bury me at the Elysian Fields!
i am going to be flamed to a crisp for this.
anya marie,
From a stone in our family cemetary about a great-uncle of mine:
" He hated every man,
And every man hated him.
He walked his own path and feared no one,
But he feared the Lord"
Does this qualify?
I simply don’t understand the politeness idea. There is nothing rude about the verb “to die”. People die every day. It is not considered rude to die in a public place. Death is a perfectly respectable event.
If “He is dead” or “he has died” is too bald, you could try “I’m so sorry to have to tell you but he died just a few minutes ago”.
My condolences to your friend.
Everyone is probably aware that recently in San Francisco, a woman was mauled to death by some idiot’s dogs. The local TV news reported that one of the dogs was so vicious that he had to be “euthanized” by the animal control people. That has to be the stupidest goddamn use of the word “euthanize” I’ve ever heard. Was the dog in pain due to wounds suffered in the struggle? Was he tortured by guilt over his murderous act? No, he was in fine health. You don’t euthanize an animal that isn’t suffering, you kill it.
If people really consider this to be euthanasia, no wonder doctor-assisted suicide can never get off the ground.
“I’m sorry.” Why, did you kill her?
“It was God’s plan.” Especially irritating when the dead-in-question killed themself.
When you decide to get blitzed off vodka because the dead-in-question was your favorite vodka drinking buddy and people say “She wouldn’t want to see you this way.” Uhh, riiight. If she had a choice, she’d be sitting here doing shots with me, bitch. Shut the hell up.
“She’s in a better place.” Six feet under the grass is better than this? Really, because I heard it’s kind of dirty down there…
“It gets easier over time.” Has anyone ever found this to be true?
“She’s looking down on you right now.” Creeeeeepy.
“Your [mom/dad/grandma/anyone who died before this person] will take care of them.” Oh yeah, open old wounds by bringing up the memory of every person who’s ever died in my life. Thanks. Now I’m imagining a party in this imaginary place where you believe everyone goes when they die, and all my friends and family members are saying, “So… When do you think Sarah will show up?” Because they’re all looking down on me right now. Nice.
“If you ever want to talk about it, you know I’m here for you.” If 100 people say this to me on the day of a funeral, I know that only about 10 of them mean it.
“You’ll be okay.” Fuck you. What if I won’t be, because right now I don’t feel like I ever will be. We’re at my [father’s/mother’s/second cousin, twice removed, who was adopted anyway/dog’s] funeral. Someone close to me has DIED and right now I feel like I may never be “okay” again. Let’s not try to cheapen my saddness, okay?
There are so many more I could list, but I suddenly can’t think of any. I hate death, but not because someone dies. Mostly because I hate the way people treat you after someone dies, like you might break or something. People are always more careful and patient with me after someone dies, like I’m any more fragile. And they always talk in the small voice, the same small voice they use when they’re talking to people under the age of seven. It bugs me and I want to slap them all.
Aren’t obituaries (for the average Joe) in most papers these days basically paid advertisements? I don’t know who writes them…perhaps someone at the funeral home, or maybe one of the family members, but I doubt, in most cases, it’s anyone who went to journalism school.
I’ve noticed that the obits for more famous people that are written by actual journalists do not use the phrase “passed away”.
What are you supposed to say to people after a loved one has died? People seem to take offense at the “stock phrases”, and they also take offense when you say nothing at all because you don’t know what to say and you don’t want to offend them by using the usual cliches. No wonder we’re afraid of death.
Boy, you guys are behind the times. Nobody in polite society says “passed away” anymore. “Passed away” is far too direct for people now. NOW at funeral homes and in death notices they just say “Passed,” evidently because the “Away” part is too reminiscent of death. “Smith passed on the weekend” or “Aunt Velma has just passed” is the new euphemism. “Grandma passed this weekend,” I heard at a funeral this very week, as if Grandma had dropped into the pocket and thrown to the wideout for an eighteen yard gain.
I will defend one euphemism, though, as criticized by Silver Fire:
Yeah, just about everybody. Of course it gets easier, it’s always worst right after it happens. If it DOESN’T get easier you need counselling.
A number of years ago some notable assholes in my home town of Kingston, Ontario had a Chow that basically terrorized the neighbourhood. They’d previously lived on my street and owned a succession of Scottish terriers, all called “Angus,” and they had allowed them to roam free. Every one was hit by a car and killed within five years of them getting them, so these are not the most brilliant stars in the galaxy, if you catch my drift. So I guess the Asshole Family decided to get a big dog that could bite people. (Chows are aggressive dogs.)
Anyway, this stupid dog bit a half dozen people, all minor bites, though, thank Christ. But a dog that will bite like that will eventually REALLY hurt someone and the dog was literally chasing people around the street, so finally one day a member of the local gendarmerie came by and suggested that perhaps the Assholes should immediately secure the dog. The Assholes told him they would not do so because… well, I can’t imagine what their fucked-in-the-head reason was. So the policeman thanked them, drove away, came back with another policeman with a rifle, and they shot the dog just as dead as dead can be right there on the Assholes’ front lawn.
The article about it in the paper the nexy day reported that the dog had been “euthanized.” I found that to be a very strange way to spell “had its goddamned head blown off.”
After my grandmother died, my mother got a sympathy card which read, “She is not dead. She is merely sleeping.” My mother said, “Jesus Christ—we BURIED her!!”