Not at all. I have a life that many of my friends envy, but have been suffering an existential crisis for a couple of months now. I try to be philosophical - my great-grandparents were too busy scraping a living from the soil to worry about their “purpose”.
It’s a luxury, sometimes, being miserable.
I found myself, very recently, struggling with this very issue. It was brought on by knowing I would soon be attending an event with worldly, successful, accomplished, literate people. I felt entirely out of my depth. Worse still, most everyone there would be curious about me and likely ask me a lot of uncomfortable questions. The event revolved around someone of great importance to me, someone I wanted to be ‘enough’ for before their friends and colleagues. Not too much pressure!
Over the past couple of weeks things really began to weigh heavy on my mind. I am currently unemployed, without prospects or direction. People reminding me I was already ‘enough’ wasn’t really doing it for me. I was starting to become unsettled, in mind and spirit. This didn’t bode well for me showing well.
It was my dog that snapped me out of it. My dog is a mix of poodle and golden retriever, and when he’s in need of a haircut, as he is currently, the world truly adores him. He’s shaggy and silly looking, like an undersized sheepdog. I have to admit he looks like every dog you would see in a childrens book. And he has a great personality, is very lively and happy, lovable in the extreme. When I walk him in the morning the whole world seems to absolutely adore him. People driving by in cars, are smiling and pointing, small children are flailing their arms all about when they see him, people come over and just pour love and adoration into him. Is it any wonder he loves his walk?
So, no matter my frame of mind as I leave my house, (mostly brooding and discontent, at the time), within minutes I would be smiling ear to ear watching my dog bring cheery brightness to the lives of perfect strangers. He is my walking object lesson, every single day.
He caused me to reflect, having returned from our walk one morning, that while I was busy freaking out over something stupid here was joy embodied every morning for me! Once on that path, I had to acknowledge that I was wealthy beyond measure in all the ways that are never really measured.
My spouse and I just celebrated 25yrs together, a blessing I could never have dreamt would come to me. I live in adorable little house, which, while the bank actually owns most of it, suits us to a tee, even if it’s still only half finished. A daughter I surrendered to adoption came back into my life and filled it with more joy than can be measured. My wonderful friends spent time and effort fussing over me to ready me for this event that I might at least look the part. Their time and concern a gift of pure love. I have a niece in graduate school in the city I live in, I get to have her over for dinner a couple of times a week, and revel in all that she is and will be. Nearby friends bring me babies to look after from time to time, including twin 2yr old girls! And then, of course, there is my wonderful dog too.
Yes, it was only one tiny step to the realization that I am, in fact, probably the wealthiest person in any room I walk into.
We live in a world where nothing is ever enough, it seems to me. Whatever we accomplish on any given day, fades behind what we didn’t get done, somehow. If what you have is enough, you’re wealthier than a billionaire, in truth.
(Once, when I was in a very dark place in my life, someone taught me a simple little trick which sounded so silly, but once I put it into practice produced truly remarkable changes for me.
I was directed, every evening as I crawled into my bed, to remind myself of one thing, one second, one moment of my day when I was proud of myself. It didn’t matter how small a thing it was, only that it was brought to the fore of my consciousness right before retiring. I know it sounds incredibly silly, I felt the same way, but it did, in fact pull me out from a very dark hole I had dug for myself.)
Interesting, what I actually meant and didn’t make clear was how did Rigamarole know that the meme that wealthy people are unhappy is a load of crap.
I agree with what you’ve said here that well off people can be pretty happy and have a rich life but it’s not usually about the money. It’s about being fulfilled. That varies from person to person. I’d love to visit Europe and have the time and funds to go to more shows and visit my family in Maine , AZ and NYC more. Still, it doesn’t mean automatic happiness and walking in the park holding the right hand can be pretty joyful and cheap.
Thanks for sharing this.
I’m looking ahead at a bit of that myself. All I can do is be myself and not fret the details our the attitudes of others. I figure the quality people who have money won’t look down their noses much because they are quality people. Those that might I’ll just take as it comes. I never felt out of place meeting or talking to anyone because basically, people are people and all deserve basic respect and consideration. If someone treats me or others disrespectfully because they have money it seems like their loss and their failing.
There are a couple of interesting and complementary lines of research that may explain why “rich and successful” people are unhappy. The first postulates that people tend to evaluate themselves in relation to their peer group (i.e., in relative not absolute terms). For example, consider an increasingly successful person moving to a new, more affluent neighborhood. They used to be the only person on their block with a Mercedes, but now they are the only person on their (new) block with last year’s entry level Mercedes. So, as a person moves up the ladder, they continually compare themselves to their new rung-mates, and forget about how much better they have it than those below. In a way this is good, as it motivates a person to work hard, do better, etc., but in a way it is bad as happiness continually eludes them.
A second line of research supports the theory that people have intrinsic “happiness settings”, and they naturally gravitate to this level regardless of circumstances. For example, lottery winners typically experience a spike in happiness, but after a year fall back to their pre-winning level. Surprisingly, the converse is also true, as victims of debilitating accidents (e.g., paraplegics) have a drop in happiness for about the same duration, then return to pre-accident happiness levels.
To refer to Maslow’s Hierarchy mentioned by Malthus, it would be reasonable to assume that a person would need to have at least a minimum of wealth before they could get to their intrinsic happiness level, though. In other words, extra money does not make you happy, but a complete lack of money will make you unhappy. 
Yup. On both a national and personal level you need ‘enough’ money to provide for physical and social needs, but beyond that it doesn’t make a difference.
As far as the set point, some things can actually change that. Long term unemployment can bring the set point down. Meditation exercises can bring it up.
Monks who were studied to determine their level of happiness (which can be determined by activity of left vs. right prefrontal cortex activity) were usually off the charts compared to other people.
http://psyphz.psych.wisc.edu/web/News/Finding_Happiness_NYT_2-03.htm
Money can’t buy happiness, it can buy you a Porsche which you can park next to happiness though
Or as Mrs Howell on Gilligan’s Island said, “Anyone who says money can’t buy happiness doesn’t know where to shop.”
Bette Midler: "It’s lonely at the top, but it’s also lonely at the bottom, so you might as well be at the top.
What you’re really talking about is a concept called “Self Actualization,” which is found in first year psychology books.
In a nutshell what it is, is this. LIfe is like a pyramid. Once you get the foundation set you keep moving up in a narrow fashion.
At the bottom of this pyramid are your basics. Health, Food, Shelter, etc…
Then you move up on level. Now that you have, food, you want the type of food that is good for you. Now that you have health you want to take care of the health problems that you can live with but would be nice not to have to. (For instance, let’s say you have a chipped or missing tooth. You can live with that but it’s nice to have it fixed)
So the first level is your basics and the next level is modifying those basics
Then you go up and up and up.
As you go up and up on your own personal self-actualization pyramid you make modifications to your own set of circumstances
The thing is people often don’t want help, they want an excuse.
I always tell people you can complain or you can actually DO something about it. Then this leads the the argument, what?
This is where the key comes in. DOING something about it deosn’t mean succeeding.
If you’re banging your head on the wall and failing perhaps it’s time to modify your goals and give up on it. Quitting something when there is virtually no chance of succeeding IS doing something about it. And it’s doing something CONSTRUCTIVE about it. Because you’re not wasting your time anymore.
As you get older you learn slowly to accept things. This is why generation gaps happen. Because it doesn’t matter how intelligent you are, some things can only be learned though the passage of time.
People also fail to understand the difference between perspective and solving a problem
For instance, I used to volunteer at a Paralyzed Veterans of American. Seeing a 22 year old kid that’ll never walk really puts perspective on my life. But you know what, it doesn’t SOLVE any of MY problems.
Perspective isn’t meant as a solving thing, it’s mearly a coping technique. My problems still exist whether or not that kid will ever walk, but it helps me cope by showing me that there are degrees to problems and not being able to pay a bill or not having the whitest of teeth is trivial compared to what bad things could really fall upon me.
Here’s an example, since mid October I have applied for over 100 part time seasonal jobs at places like Target, Walmart, Borders, Starbucks etc.
I’ve got one interview and they didn’t hire me.
So what am I supposed to do? Cry because no one wants me? That may help me COPE but coping isn’t SOLVING. So I can’t just cry and give up. You have to keep pushing for an answer to solve your problems.
Most people are far more in control of their lives then they will admit, but they don’t like to think this because then it comes down to I tried and failed. No one wants to be a failure. But hey it is what it is and in the end so what? 25 years from now I’ll most likely be dead and no one will remember I ever lived.
So I certainly am not going to let gloom and doom stop me from enjoying my life. Sure I can’t fly to NYC and see a show like I used to, but I can do other things that are fun and free. You just have to look for alternatives.
And sometimes there are no good alternatives. So then you just have to settle for making the best of a bad situation and minimizing your grief till something comes along.
Of course wealth and career success do not guarantee happiness. To be happy you must have all five of the following ingredients: health, freedom, financial security, congenial work, and reciprocated love. Someone with money and success may only satisfy the financial security part. Take away any one of the five ingredients and you can’t be truly happy. For example, as rich and successful as he was, Howard Hughes lacked, in my opinion, the most important ingredient – health. In his case, it was his mental health. He was a reclusive, germophobic whack job at the end of his life.
It’s not just your own happiness you need to consider though. I have several friends with very wealthy parents - they’ve all told me that they would swap the yachts and BMWs etc for memories of their fathers playing with them when they were kids. Their memories are of daddy leaving before they were awake each morning, and returning at 8-9pm when they were already in bed. Holidays were spent being quiet because “daddy’s got an important phone call to make”, and one lad has a collection of rolex watches which represent each time his dad missed a birthday / graduation / etc.
I have to leave work every day at 5pm to collect my daughter from daycare; this means I effectively work a day less per week than many of my colleagues, and means I can’t pick up some of the larger projects at the moment.
So I’m a couple of years behind where I should be in career terms - I have friends who were on £100k in their early 30s, whereas I am a long way below that; it means we have a small house and not much money left over for luxuries and my car doesn’t sit comfortably alongside the 09-plate motors in the office carpark.
But my daughter gets to have bathtime with daddy every evening, we can play and read stories and make a mess baking cookies, I can tuck her up at night and eat breakfast with her in the morning.
Out of the 8 people in our senior management team 4 made a choice to have a career instead of kids, two are divorced and only see their kids on odd weekends, and the two with school-age children at home barely get to see them as they are in the office till 7-8pm and then drive 1-2hrs home each night.
So while they might personally be fulfilled in their careers, I would happily swap the buzz of closing the latest deal for the feeling I get when my little one snuggles up with me for her bedtime story.
The grass is always greener, but I still think it’s generally true that no-one ever said on their deathbed, “I wish I’d spent more time at the office”.
For a short while I had the first four of those, but have never, and likely never will, had the fifth.
Things have changed since, and currently I don’t have the third and fourth, either.
Frank Sinatra twice tried to commit suicide. At the time he was FRANK SINATRA.
Every single damn one of them. Don’t ask me how I know. I just KNOW, dammit.
Knowing this makes my failures much more tolerable.
He later became Nancy Sinatra. The ‘daughter’ thing was a cover for extensive surgery.
Yup. Though the point as I see it is that as soon as one need on the lower level is met, there is always a need above it to be fretted over. 
No question though, it is a challege to enjoy life if the lower levels are not being met - one possible interpretation I think to the Zen “strawberry” story:
For 'tigers" one can read “creditors” for those threatened with poverty. 
William Styron was a highly successful, Pulitzer Prize-winning novelist who wrestled with depression his entire adult life (and wrote a book about it, Darkness Visible). Churchill (who called it his “black dog”) and Lincoln both dealt with depression at various times in their lives.
This is a current topic in Germany, as the keeper of the national soccer team has commited suicide two weeks ago after battling with severe depressions.
He was very successful in his sport, and was even treated for his conditions and supported by his family, and still he couldn’t see a way out.
This is an interesting thread, given that recently in Cafe Society there was a discussion of books in which people were snarking on the author of *Eat, Pray, Love *for being a rich and successful woman who was whining about how miserable her life was. The general attitude was “someone with her life doesn’t get to be unhappy.” Here are a couple of quotes from that original thread.
I had the same thought then as I’m having now - money and success doesn’t buy you a pass out of unhappiness and depression and inner turmoil. (not that I’m defending the book, just making a comment on the overall reaction).
I think the statement that the “wealthy successful people are miserable, too” idea is a myth is heartrendingly cruel, and reflects a lack of compassion and human understanding that is beyond me. It may be difficult for those of us without that level of success to be sympathetic when wealthy, successful people reveal that they are suffering inside, but that doesn’t mean it’s not reality.
I think the issue with the “rich and successful are miserable too” thing is that it is usually a comforting belief for those who are not rich and successful (regardless of whether it is true or not), not a denial that the rich and successful can be miserable.
That may be true, but I was responding to this:
I read that as a denial that the rich and successful can legitimately be miserable.
The example that immediately springs to mind for me is Princess Diana. She had all of the things that I once aspired to: beauty, wealth, fame, marriage to a prince, and yet she was from all accounts thoroughly miserable, and suffered some of the same inner turmoil regarding eating issues that I do. I try to remember her whenever I start thinking that I would be happy if only I could have one of the many things that she had that didn’t bring her contentment.