I’d say being pretty and popular (which are a lot more like genetic endowments, as opposed to wealth that is usually earned) is more likely to lead to happiness than having a nice house.
I would argue that vulnerability to threats - real, imagined or marketed - doesn’t unite us; it is what we have in common. There’s a difference.
It strikes me that your point is that we all have a steady stream of pressures upon us - some real, some imagined, and some reinforced by ads trying to influence our behavior - and that developing “your own perspective” and finding access to a “calm center” is key to dealing with those pressures.
I think your point of course is solid - it is the center of countless religions and self-help ideologies. But the general perception is that being able to find that calm center in our days is fleeting for most of us and truly rare to find folks who walk that talk consistently…
I think what makes people happy or unhappy is how much of a dissonance there is between who you actually are and what you are expected to actually be. I think people often make assumptions about people who are pretty or have money or are part of the “in” crowd. Those people often have a great deal of pressure to conform to the standards of their peers. And that standard is often a vacuous life of commitmentless sex, drugs and constant jockeying for social status. If that isn’t the type of person you are but yet you feel compelled to fit into that mold because that is what is expected, I imagine it can be a very sad life.
What is it that you deem important that you feel you are failing at?
You have much more of a choice, though, whether or not to run in a certain social group (particularly after you leave home). You have less freedom to dissociate yourself from the modern economy. So the upside for the socially successful winners is greater, and the conformational pressure is less.
I don’t think it’s that easy. There is a lot of pressure to fit into the mold that other people create based on their perceptions of you. Plus a lot of people put these pressures on themselves. They want to be wealthy or successful or popular. And this forces them to do things they might ultimately not be comfortable with.
I’m healthy, well educated, and got a poop load of money but I’d exchange it all for a meaningful relationship. Lacking that, I worry about the ability of a 12 gauge to penetrate the breast plate.
I’m struggling with the same basic question: what will it take to make me happy? In some ways, I have exactly what I want from my life. I always wanted to be published, and hey, I’ve got plenty of published books. Of course, they’re all with epublishers. I make more money than most aspiring (and working) authors I know, but…I can hear people say that’s not real publishing. So I do everything I can to find an agent and sell a book to a New York publisher, thinking that if I can do that, if I finally make it that far, I’ll finally be satisfied. But why am I so dissatisfied now? I love my books, I love my publishers, and I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished in the past 5 years.
Once, I thought going to graduate school would make me happy. So I got my MA in British and American Literature and I hated it. I hated every second of that experience. It was like a hell I would never escape from. I didn’t even try to hide that fact. God knows I posted about it enough here on the Dope. I was so thankful when it was all over, but now I’m basically going to do my best to get back into the program so I can get my PhD. Why? Because I feel like I’m stuck. All my experience is in academia and education. I can’t get a job in any other field, no matter how hard I try, and I can’t work as an adjunct writing instructor for the rest of my life. Or a TA. But there’s no guarantee that I will get a job once I get my PhD. So am I basically borrowing trouble I don’t need? Should I be happy with my minimally paying jobs now or should I put in the unbelievable time and effort to complete my education? Will I be more or less miserable then?
Am I unhappy because I know I’m squandering talents and opportunites? Or am I unhappy because while it’s possible to do better, a part of me knows I never will? I don’t know.
My point was more that nobody can escape our vulnerabilities. Three hundred years ago if you had the plague, you probably died. Now we understand enough about sanitation, antibiotics, vectors, hygiene, that most people do not get it. If they do get it, it can be reversed via medications.
But we are still all deeply vulnerable. It doesn’t matter how much money, status, family, friends, inner peace, technology, etc you have. And I personally find it really enjoyable to realize that. Those things can guard your vulnerabilities, but they are still there. Bill Gates’s money will not save him from an incurable disease, and Obama’s power and status will not save him from the trauma if someone he knows is sexually assaulted. Terrence Tao’s IQ will not save him from the trauma of a car accident. Nobody can really escape how vulnerable we all are.
And I think knowing we are all deeply vulnerable unites us (in my mind) because since nobody can escape it, we have to work on guarding those vulnerabilities collectively. Someone works in medicine and someone else works in social justice.
I’m an optimist. Because I do know people use those vulnerabilities to divide and conquer by finding scapegoats or playing on people’s fears. But I feel we take 3 steps forward for every 1 step back. We are all guarded from endless threats compared to people 500 years ago. And we can recover better than they could in the same situation. The interdependence of a species that cannot escape its own vulnerability (only compensate for it with science, technology, engineering, medicine, social justice, etc) is enjoyable to me.
No one here gets out alive, as Jim Morrison said. Nobody can escape how vulnerable we are, but we can work on protecting each other’s vulnerabilities.
Sorry to sound a little unsympathetic, but this really doesn’t add up.
First of all, you don’t even need epublishers. You can set up your own website for peanuts and sell your own work directly. I’ve done this for the past 12 years. I’ve made more money from writing and books than every ‘published author’ I know - most of whom get a very raw deal and live with a great deal of financial insecurity. And it’s not just the money. My writing and books have brought me fans and friends in over 56 countries (last time I bothered to count), plus opportunities to travel, see the world and fulfill many of my goals and dreams.
Secondly, this actually makes more sense. There is nothing, literally nothing, an agent or a publisher can do for you that you can’t do much better yourself. And by doing it yourself, you avoid paying the agent and the publisher their slice of the action. What’s more, you can devote yourself to promoting and marketing your work as much as you like and on an ongoing basis. The most you’ll get from a publisher, if you’re lucky, is a few weeks of formalised promotion-by-numbers around the time your book is published. This will basically amount to the PR drone appointed by the publisher phoning up a few friends in the media she hasn’t seen for a while and wants to have lunch with at your expense. After this limp, short-lived PR effort, you’re yesterday’s news and they’ve moved on to their next release.
Thirdly, are you sure you have friends saying it’s not ‘proper’ publishing? One, this is probably mostly in your head, as a way of beating yourself up. Two, the verb ‘to publish’ simply means ‘to make public’. I’m publishing this post just by sticking it here on the Dope. There is no law, rule or wisdom that says it’s only ‘real’ publishing if you donate 80% of your profits to the lunchtime pleasures of a cartel of agents, publishers and retail buyers. Third, you probably have just as many friends if not more who are amazed at your fantastic achievement in being able to write good stuff, and who would love to have your talent. Four, if you have the sort of ‘friends’ who make this kind of unhelpful, caustic comment, maybe you could get a new bunch of friends - and you might also like to ask them what they have done lately that is so commanding of respect and admiration?
Fine, you still want to feel it’s ‘proper’ publishing? Okay. You can go and get yourself a block of ISBN numbers. It’s free or nearly free. Print an ISBN on the back of your own books. You can then sign up to Amazon Advantage, and hey presto, your book is now listed on Amazon as a proper book supplied directly by Amazon. That should be enough ‘proper’ publishing for anyone.
I’ve been doing this for 12 years and I’m a klutz. If I can do it, anyone can. And no-one has ever told me it’s not ‘proper’ publishing. What they normally do is wish they had as much free time to enjoy life as I do, admire my travel photos from around the world, and ask me how they can do the same.
ianzin, I appreciate the gist of your post, especially points two through four. Actually, nobody in my life has ever said that it’s not “real” publishing–that is pretty much my own invention. So I recognize on one level it’s not logical at all. That it’s just my own insecurities clamoring for attention, but sometimes I do wish I could say “Yes” when somebody says “Oh, is it anything I’ve read?”
As for the self-publishing vs e-publishing route, I prefer to go with epublishers because I do see benefits. I write in the romance genre, and there are literally 500 books published a month in that industry between the big heavy hitters like Harlequin and Kensington and the smaller epublishers and independent presses. As a result, buyers are loyal to authors but they’re more loyal to publishers. Once readers find a house that delivers the sort of product they want to read, marketing surveys have shown that they remain consistently loyal to that house, buying books regardless of author. What this means to me is that I gain a readership by publishing through certain houses. Not to mention the fact that I also get editing (every writer needs a good editor), cover art, and promotion.
Besides, publishing is a business. By self-publishing as you do, you are essentially a small business owner. While I have to have an active part in the business side, ultimately, I’m not running the whole show and I like that. It gives me less to worry about.
But anyway, this Third, you probably have just as many friends if not more who are amazed at your fantastic achievement in being able to write good stuff, and who would love to have your talent. really struck a note with me. I appreciate that.
Used to be “successful” back in the day and quite the miserable unless drunk, but now I’m just content.
I’m genuinely sorry to read this.
I teach people about how to free themselves from the worker/consumer hamster wheel, generate their own wealth and live the life they want. Although what I teach isn’t a ‘positive thinking’ sort of course, naturally we do address some motivational and psychological factors along the way, including attitudes and assumptions.
From where do you get the self-limiting assumption that working for yourself and determining your own direction involves more worry than dealing with people who exploit your talent for their own wealth? I’ve never had less stress and worry in my life than I have since I walked out of my job and started working for myself. That was over 12 years ago.
Even if the ‘more worry’ thing were true, which is debatable, why the self-defeating focus on that? Where is the equivalent or greater focus on more wealth, self-determination, recognition, pride in building up your own name, independence, opportunities, learning, adventure, fun, discovery… and about a dozen other ‘more’ points I could mention?
Anyway, I’ll knock this on the head because I’m not trying to be argumentative and I’ll probably get told off for hijacking (apologies all round). But I’m genuinely saddened when I read things like this.
I bet Tiger Woods isn’t feeling too chipper right now.
Never heard that before. Cite, please?