Employee downtime caused by excessive lavatorial occupancy is an issue which senior management are looking at very closely in the current harsh trading environment.
The subject has become a hot potato in Corporate Britain as it is thought to be having a detrimental effect on Company Profits.
I was recently chosen to head a Covert Toilet Operation, the objective being to gather data on the subject and propose a solution.
Teams of agents were despatched to Britain’s Corporate Lavatories, with instructions to sit in the stalls and carry out time and motion studies on the users.
After analysing more raw data than was good for me, I considered all possible solutions carefully before emerging with the following proposals:
The stalls in all lavatories are to be equipped with TV and DVD systems. The TV screens will be Plasma or Flat Screen, so they can be mounted on the inside of the stall door without taking up unnecessary space.
On entrance to the lavatory from the Outside World, the user is presented with a range of viewing options specially chosen to assist bowel movements.
My own personal selection would be the final scene from Carrie, but I can imagine the Alien in John Hurt’s stomach being another popular choice. Corporate Lavatory Managers would need to order multiple copies of these DVD’s so that users are not kept waiting, thus avoiding the possibility of Nasty Accidents occurring in the pre-stall queue.
Having selected his preferred bowel-emptying DVD, the user enters a stall and inserts the DVD into the Stall Sound System. He then lowers his trousers and underpants, if he is wearing them, and takes up his usual position on the Lavatory Seat.
Using the DVD scene finding function, the user selects the appropriate suspenseful item. When the climax is played out on the screen he vacates his bowels, with any annoying splashes being drowned in a Sea of Sensurround.
The usual procedures may then be followed, i.e. the judicious application of toilet tissue to the Affected Areas, followed by the restoration of underpants and trousers to their pre-evacuation status.
My proposals have been sent to the Confederation of British Industries, together with watertight assurances that, if my ideas are adopted without delay, there will be a significant improvement in bottom line performance.
