Forget the DWYers (Driving While Yakking). There are certain types of people who just shouldn’t own a cell phone, period.
Mr. Crappy Reception
“-llo? [crackle]re you there? [snap]nt hear you. [zzzzzt]r me?”
Listen, numbnuts. Take a look at your phone before you dial my number. Do you have at least one bar on the signal meter? If not, don’t even fucking try to call me until you find a spot where you can get reception. Call from a land line if you need to.
Mr. Calling from a Bar
[sounds of 150 drunk people screaming] “Can you hear me?”
Fuck no. Take a minute to step outside or go into the bathroom or something. I can sort of pick out the guy standing near you who is screaming “TOGA!” at the top of his lungs, but I can’t hear you.
Mr. Verizon Commercial Re-enactment
“Can you hear me now?”
Ha ha, motherfucker. It was funny the first six dozen times I heard it. Now it’s just fucking annoying.
Mr. Clearly Distracted by Something Else
“Hi. Umm… Is this… uh… THespos?”
Take your eyes off the blonde’s ass, pull the car over, get the change from your cab driver - Just do whatever it is that you have to do in order to free up some mental bandwidth so that you can talk to me intelligently, 'kay? I don’t like waiting 10 seconds just so you can get the next syllable out of your mouth.
Mr. Milking His Last 15 Seconds of Battery Power
“Hello? Listen. I’m running low on battery power. I could get cut off at any second. So please don’t get offended. I’m not hanging up on you. The 1 PM meeting is being moved to- <click>”
Get the important message out first. THEN tell me that your battery is about to crap out. Get it?