People who shouldn't be allowed near cell phones

Forget the DWYers (Driving While Yakking). There are certain types of people who just shouldn’t own a cell phone, period.

Mr. Crappy Reception
“-llo? [crackle]re you there? [snap]nt hear you. [zzzzzt]r me?”

Listen, numbnuts. Take a look at your phone before you dial my number. Do you have at least one bar on the signal meter? If not, don’t even fucking try to call me until you find a spot where you can get reception. Call from a land line if you need to.

Mr. Calling from a Bar
[sounds of 150 drunk people screaming] “Can you hear me?”
Fuck no. Take a minute to step outside or go into the bathroom or something. I can sort of pick out the guy standing near you who is screaming “TOGA!” at the top of his lungs, but I can’t hear you.

Mr. Verizon Commercial Re-enactment
“Can you hear me now?”

Ha ha, motherfucker. It was funny the first six dozen times I heard it. Now it’s just fucking annoying.

Mr. Clearly Distracted by Something Else
“Hi. Umm… Is this… uh… THespos?”

Take your eyes off the blonde’s ass, pull the car over, get the change from your cab driver - Just do whatever it is that you have to do in order to free up some mental bandwidth so that you can talk to me intelligently, 'kay? I don’t like waiting 10 seconds just so you can get the next syllable out of your mouth.

Mr. Milking His Last 15 Seconds of Battery Power
“Hello? Listen. I’m running low on battery power. I could get cut off at any second. So please don’t get offended. I’m not hanging up on you. The 1 PM meeting is being moved to- <click>”

Get the important message out first. THEN tell me that your battery is about to crap out. Get it?

[QUOTEMr. Verizon Commercial Re-enactment
“Can you hear me now?”

Ha ha, motherfucker. It was funny the first six dozen times I heard it. Now it’s just fucking annoying.

I hate this one too, but there are areas of our town that pretty much force people to use it, or rather some variation of it. You’re driving along, conversation is just fine and then you go through (dadaDAAAH) the no cell zone.

One is just a few hundred yards on either side of the city zoo and one of the other ones is on the Air Force Base during practice times.

There are a few others, so anyway, you’re driving along with reception just fine and suddenly you start into that broken up crap, so you say “hey can you hear me?” “how bout now”? and so on until you’re through the zone.

On the AFB? We all just say “plane!” “another plane”!!! and so on, until they’re gone into the wild blue yonder and reception is clear again.

I shouldn’t be allowed near cellphones. My first response to my cellphone ringing tends to towards confusion (where is that noise coming from?), then muted violence (auggh.Make.bad.noise stop!) For the Good of Humanity, it has been exiled to “off” 90% of the time.

The I have nothing better to do with my time than to call you people. :wally

You know, those who are bored and call you at any given time, just so they have someone to talk to. Never mind that you are driving down the interstate, getting ready to eat, or shopping over your lunch break. My sister in law never ever gets it when I say something to the effect of " this is not a good time for me."
All she knows is that she is bored and has a couple of hours to spare.


The summer before last I was working on a roof with a guy who’s married to my cousin. I can’t stand either of them, whats worse is that she’d call him on his cell every freakin’ half hour.

We’d have to stop work sometimes so he could chit-chat with his clingy-as-hell wife. I wanted to choke the bastard then reach through his cell and choke my whiney, bitchy, snobby, needy, spoiled cousin…

Gaahh! I get upset thinking about those two(long story sorry)…

Where is this wonderful, magical place? I might buy it and build my house there.

They are called VodaHoles here.

The Geriatric: I may need this for emergencies user:

AKA, my MIL…

In this day and age seems everyone must have a phone… just in case. The older generation (i.e. MIL) fails to familiarise themselves with how to use their phones properly, so when they actually do need to use it, it’s a bloody joke.

Case in point: when my MIL answers her phone she presses button after button - for a good minute or so. All the while you hear… beep… beep… beep… beep… Or she’ll hit a button and not say owt… just silence…

HELLO??? Learn how to answer the friggin’ phone you silly moo!

Phew, I feel a bit better.

Quick tip for cell phone users.

If I can here what you are saying from the other side of the street, you are probably talking loud enough :rolleyes:

The Global Positioning/Let Me Share Every Minute Detail of What I Am Doing At All Times:

“I’m at WalMart now. Then I’m going to the mall. After that I’m going to the bookstore, the dry cleaner, the supermarket and over to Joe’s house. I might stop by to see you after I leave the mall or I might come by after I leave Joe’s. Oh, and I need to go by that dollar store that’s near your house, so I’ll call when I get there.”

AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! Why the fuck do I need to know your every move? How in hell did you function before you got a cell phone? Did you keep an assload of quarters in your car so you could stop at every pay phone and call everybody you know to let them know where you are? While we’re at it, asshat. It is NOT necessary to YELL into your phone. I can hear you just fine. I swear I can set my phone down on the porch, go inside, vacuum the whole house while playing ZZ Top at full volume and still hear every friggin’ word you say.

[sub]My! That felt good.[/sub]

What about Mr/Mrs Forgets which pocket it’s in? Generally found on public transport and other crowded public places.

BLEEPITY BLEEP BLEEEEEEP goes the phone. “Duhhhh…” thinks the owner as s/he begins the titatanic mental struggle to recollect which part of which item of clothing they stashed it in not five minutes previously. Much patting of pockets, accompanied by a puzzled expression.

BLEEPITY BLEEP BLEEP BLEEEEEEEEEP! shrieks the phone. “Urrrrrrrrr” and a furrowed brow.

BLEEPITY BLEEP BLEEPITY BLEEPITY BLEEP BLEEP BLEEEEEEEEEP!!, repeat until driven insane. I just want to find it, rip it out of his hand, bash him over the head with it, then throw it off the train/bus. ANYTHING to stop that infernal bleeping.
And let’s not even mention Mr/Mrs Doesn’t Realise It’s Their Phone That’s Ringing. Death’s too good for them.

Okay, I’ll nominate people who have loud conversations that really should be private.

E.g./ The woman on the streetcar who was dumping her boyfriend (who was obviously crying and begging to be taken back). She went through a long list of very personal stuff and as he was getting upset and yelling, so was she! So everyone on the streetcar got to hear her side of the conversation.

Listen, Phone-Chick. If your boyfriend was sitting next to you on the streetcar, you wouldn’t do that because it would “create a scene,” but somehow you think your phone call is “private.”

I believe Swampbear’s “Global Positioning/Let Me Share Every Minute Detail of What I Am Doing At All Times:” people are those who have purchased the 10 Gazillion minutes per month plans and call you to: A. annoy the crap out of you . B. Use up their minutes.

God forbid they let them expire.

I would like one of those plans that have free long distance but I can’t seem to find one that is under $40 a month. I pay 15.95+Tax/Month and my minutes are .05 each.

LOL! Well, the two places mentioned are:

The Air Force Base (you’d rather be subjected to F-16 practice?)

Near the city zoo. hmmmmmmmmm Lions and Tigers and Binky’s replacement oh my!, (you all remember Binky? the tourist munching polar bear?).

Well, I immediately thought of DC and Omaha, but there must be a few more places in the US with both a zoo and an AFB.

And hey, I’ve lived under aircraft of one kind or another, from F-15s to KC-10s to C-5s, for my entire life. I’ll take those over cell phones any day :slight_smile:

‘Hey, Rhonda! It’s me! You wanna go out tonight? The doctor said it ain’t contagious!’


That was one funny OP! :smiley: :smiley:

Because of course, everyone’s phone plays the Gilligan’s Island theme song. How are they supposed to know it was their phone ringing? :smack:
Oh, is it mine?

Here’s a girl who needs to grow a clue:

Little Miss who thinks-its-ok-to-answer-her-phone-while-opening-gifts-at-her-own-baby-shower

[slight hijack]
One of the funniest things I’ve witnessed in my life was pulling up behind a guy at an intersection, while he was yakking away. Why is that funny, you ask? On his bumper was a brand-spanking new sticker that read, “Can you drive any better with that cell phone shoved up your ass?”
[/slight hijack]