This reminds me of the English and Spanish phrases repeated at the end of the Matterhorn at Disneyland.
“Remain seated please. [I won’t even attempt the Spanish version of this, but it’s clear in me brane.]”
My sister and I still recite that to each other for laffs after God knows how many years.
[sub]Yuh, we lead very exciting lives…[/sub]
(deep breath)
Minnesota is a comparative negligence state, which means that, in each accident, each individual involved will be assessed a percentage of negligence based on their contribution to the causation of the accident, balanced against their attempts to avoid the accident once it became apparent that the accident was going to occur.
Used to be a word processor at State Farm.
It’s ten o’clock! Do you know where this child is?
(A seaside amusement park.)
TOM: Passaic, New Jersey, where America’s day begins.
CROW: Waiter, the revolving restaurant is going too faaaast!
(The exhibits: a stripshow ad, and a fortune teller’s booth, [badly] labelled “Madam Estrella.”)
MIKE: Welcome to the Girl Pavilion.
TOM: See the leg waxing demonstration.
CROW: See the latest in stripping technology.
MIKE: It’s flapper recruiting. “Maoam Estrella?”
TOM: Yes, yes, come into the voting booth.
(Inside, Estrella tries to make out with a middle-aged drunk. He rejects her with a shove.)
CROW: Ah, Red Buttons!
MIKE: Oh, and Joan Collins is checked into the boards!
ESTRELLA: You shouldn’t have done that.
DRUNK: I’m only here for your sister, Carmelita.
(Estrella is insensed.)
TOM: (Curly Howard voice for ESTRELLA.) Oh, a wise guy, huh?
DRUNK: You couldn’t give me enough booze to make me go for you.
MIKE: …but could you try?
ESTRELLA: You dirty, feelthy peeg! I will make it so even the freaks will not look at you! Ortega!
(A shot of a curtain.)
TOM: Huh?
ESTRELLA: Ortega!
(Ortega emerges from behind the curtain. His bad make-up indicates he is a mute Igor-type.)
CROW: (Refined voice.) Yes, madam?
ESTRELLA: Take and make him like my other leetle pets!
TOM: So, put him on a hamster wheel?
ORTEGA: Ar.
(The drunk spits out his drink.)
CROW: Hey, this is only 80 proof!
(Ortega beats the drunk up.)
MIKE: It’s forced shiatsu.
(Estrella breaks out a bottle with a skull and crossbones on it.)
TOM: Mmm, skull juice!
ESTRELLA: (Splashing poison freely.) You feelthy peeg!
DRUNK: Aaah! Ooooh!
MIKE: (Refined voice for ORTEGA.) Uh, you might want to conserve ma’am, you might be spurned by other travelling salesmen.
CROW: The lesson: Have sex with a fortune telling Gypsy if she demands it.
Forty plus years for me—people often believe I am speaking in tongues.
I am sure I am going to mispell at least half of these words, but…
Wan that Aprilla
With shoures soughte
the droughte of March
hath perced to the roote
and bathed every vine
in swish liquour
of which virtu engendred
is the fleur
Please note the location of all exits from this auditorium. The exits adjacent to the screen discharge directly to the outside. There are also exits at either end of the main corridor. Should any emergency arrive, you will be instructed to evacuate the premises by way of the nearest available exit. Thank you, and enjoy the show.
(old UA movie theater, I don’t think they have this one anymore)
Por favor, manténgase alejado de las puertas.
Merry X-mas, and a happy new…Millenium!!!
For every reply to a post bearing this sig I am generously donating 1 cent to the International Center for the Cryogenic Preservation of Cecil Adams
“This program is intended for mature audiences and may contain subject matter which is inappropriate for younger viewers.”
I guess we all know what type of shows I am watching. 
“Space…The Final Frontier.
These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise, it’s five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations.
To boldly go where no man has gone before!”
[Schoolhouse Rock] We the people, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, ensure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare and, secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this constitution for the United States of America [/Schoolhouse Rock]
I also memorized the charm of making from “Excalibur.”
[Merlin] Anahl Nachrath Uthvas Bethud Dochiel Dienvai [/Merlin] The spelling may or may not be correct, but it works phonetically.
In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate but equally important groups: the police, who ***** the crimes and the district attorney, who prosecutes the offenders. These are their stories.
Sorry, I can recite this word for word at any given moment, yet forget words when trying to write it.
The Miranda warning
From The Exorcist III (Spoken by Father Damien Karras who has been possessed by the Gemini Killer. Said in very low, dark voice, with that creepy inhuman growling in the background)–
And from Cool Hand Luke (hmmm…pick a part, any part…okay, from the empty church right before he gets shot)–
(I can recite pretty much this whole movie, even when it’s not in the background.)
Now I might have managed the actual dialogue from Incredibly Strange Creatures . . ., but I missed (you should pardon the pun) the MST3K version.
Whanne that Aprile with his shoures soote
The droughte of March hath perced to the roote
And bathed every veyne in swich licour
Of which vertu engendred is the flour
And Zephirus eek with his sweete breath
Inspired hath in every holt and heath
The tendre croppes, and the yonge Sonne
Hath in the Ram his halfe cours yronne
And lutel fowles maken melodye
That slepen al the nyght with open eye
(So pricketh hem Natur in hir corages)
Thanne longen folk to goon on pilgrimages
And palmeres for to seken straunge strondes
To ferne halwes, kowthe in sundry londes
And specially, from every shires ende
Of Engelonde, to Caunterbury they wende. . .
I’m likewise sure I’ve missed a few spellings from the edition I studied, but that’s the gist.
Also:
From the Harley collection of Middle English lyrics – it goes on for another three or four stanzas in the same vein. I’m pretty sure I’ve modernized the spelling quite a bit in memory, but I’m pretty confident of the phonetics. It’s been stuck in my head since grad school.
I could dump Keats’ “To Autumn”, “Ode to a Nightingale”, “On First Looking Into Chapman’s Homer”, “The Human Seasons”, “When I Have Fears”, and “Ode on a Grecian Urn” on you, as well as half dozen Shakespeare sonnets, Yeats’ “Adam’s Curse” and “That the Night Come”, and Philip Larkin’s “This Be the Verse” and a substantial portion of Stevens’ “Sunday Morning” on you as well, but I’ll refrain.
The doors are closing.
Please move to the center of the vehicle and away from the doors.
You are now entering the transportation mall, which leads to your departure concourse and gate. Smoking, eating, and drinking are not permitted in the transportation mall. Trains leave approximately every two minutes and stop at all concourses.
(on the moving sidewalks):
Please face forward and hold onto the handrails. If you do not wish to walk, please move to the right to allow others to pass. Watch your step when exiting the moving sidewalk.
“Oh, you’re here in your office…with a window…you should. You’ve been here ten minutes.” --David Spade as Richard in Tommy Boy
“Use association. For example: the average person uses 10% of their brain. You, on the other hand, use 1.5%. The rest is filled with malted hops and bong resin.” --David Spade, again.
Isn’t it awfully nice to have a penis?
Isn’t it frightfully good to have a dong?
It’s swell to have a stiffy
It’s divine to own a dick
From the tiniest little tadger
To the world’s biggest prick!
So, three cheers for your willy or John Thomas
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake
Your piece of pork,
Your wife’s best friend,
Your Percy or your cock
You can wrap it up in ribbons!
You can slip it in your sock!
But don’t take it out in public
Or they will stick you in the dock
And you won’t a-come a-back.
Tomorrow, tomorrow, and tomorrow
creeps in this petty pace from day to day
to the last syllables of recorded time.
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the
way to dusty death.
Out! Out! Brief candle,
Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
who struts and frets his hour upon the stage
and is heard no more.
It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and
fury, signifying nothing.
By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this
way comes.
Open locks, whoever knocks.
East is east and west is west and never the twain shall meet,
'til earth and sky stand presently at God’s great
judgement seat. But there is neither east nor west nor
border nor breed nor birth, when two strong men stand face
to face though they come from the ends of the earth.
Fain would I kiss my Julia’s leg, which is white and hairless as an egg.
(Punctuation may vary drastically in real life.)
“Hi there! This is Eddie, your shipboard computer, just alerting you to the fact that the Nutri-matic machine has now tapped into my logic circuits to ask me why the human prefers boiled leaves to everything we have to offer him. And wow, it’s a biggie! Gonna take a little time to work out. Share and Enjoy!”
Also I’ve heard too many planetarium shows waaaay too many times. I could probably quote 75% of “The Planet Patrol” by heart:
The amazing Chin-Chee knife! It slices, it dices, it chops, it mops, it cuts through contrete as if it were warm butter!..
Shall I compare you to a summer’s day
Thou art more lovely and more temperate
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May
And summer’s lease hath all too short a date
Sometimes too hot the eye of heaven shines
And often is her gold complexion dimmed
And every fair, from fair, sometimes declines
By chance, or nature’s changing course untrimmed
But thy eternal summer shall not fade
Nor lose possesion of that fair thou owest
When in eternal lines of time thou growest
As long as men can breathe and eyes can see
So long lives this and this gives life to thee.
Juliet: Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy nake, or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love and I’ll no longer be a Capulet.
Romeo: Shall I hear more or shall I speak at this?
Juliet: Tis but thy name that is my enemy. Thou art thyself though not a Montague. What’s a Montague? It is not hand, nor foot, nor arm, nor face, nor any other part belonging to a man. Oh be some other name. What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other word would smell as sweet. So Romeo would, were he not Romeo called, retain that dear perfection which he owes without that title. Oh Romeo, doff thy name, and for thy name, which is no part of thee, take all myself.