"Physically" is the new "literally"

The BBQ Pit
1

Oh, the bullshit, how it burns. It burns like getting your ass waxed and then wiping with #4 steel wool. Well-meaning but addle-pated support personnel have added the word “physically” to their lexicon to describe actions which must be carried out virtually. Today I am on the phone with Joan the Drone and she tells me, in an oh-so-chipper voice

and I am suddenly terrified that to change my records I must find a server room, or perhaps slap on a pair of VR goggles during a proton storm, or maybe get stuck in the Holodeck. Because otherwise, the only way I can get to the website is to figuratively “go” there. The verb “to go” is figurative because my physical form is not going anywhere. My chapped ass will remain in this office chair for the duration of my visit to your fucked-up website. It doesn’t end there, though! She lets me know that once I have physically visited this website, I’ll need to

Except that the only thing I can physically click is my mouse, because every other goddamn thing I can click on is an icon in a virtual space. I’ll have to interact with every one of them virtually! I can’t physically touch any of them without sticking my hand through the monitor, which I’m getting ready to do, because she then tells me I’ll have to

and that just terrifies me. I have metaphorically scrolled; I have figuratively scrolled; but the only time I ever had the opportunity to physically scroll was at High Holiday services when the rabbi asked me to dress the Torah*. I am computer literate, I can use a typewriter, and I can even write longhand in a notebook, but I haven’t held a physical scroll in quite a while unless you count my diplomas. I had understood “scrolling” to be an analogy or a metaphor but apparently if I go physically visit this web site, and physically click some of their icons, I’ll be able to literally scroll through their documents. I am left to envision a seriously fucked-up OCR machine responding to my mouse-wheel. I stifle a scream of recreational outrage over the telephone as I slowly turn purple. I complete the call, and exhale with relief as the stupidity stops wafting from my phone. I briefly wonder whether there is a visible fog of the stuff hovering around my ear, but then I realize, “No, there isn’t - I’m just imagining that your stupidity could possibly have a physical manifestation.”

Joan, you’re not alone! Your words have simply been the metaphorical last straw which has broken this hypothetical ruminant’s spinal column with its virtual weight. In the last few months I’ve heard such gems as

and

“Physically change the way we think?” You mean people around here should stop using the grey stuff in their skull and switch to maybe their liver? Or perhaps the problem is that some of you have been thinking with your rectal cavities, and the switch would be to something that’s connected more-or-less directly to your spinal cord?

Joan, and the countless others who commit this sin: I am quite angry with you for your misuse of the language. I am so mad that I would like to literally reach into my dictionary for some adverbs and physically stuff them down your throat. But I can’t – because they’re fucking ADVERBS! Just like websites, computer icons, and the act of paging through an electronic document, adverbs are virtual, metaphorical, and insubstantial. They have no meaningful physical presence! Wishing will not bring form to their void, and boy are you lucky because if I could wish hard enough to make adverbs manifest you’d be literally choking on your words.

For your sins I hereby ban you from using adverbs, analogies, metaphors, or idioms for the next 90 days, and sentence you to read Eats, Shoots and Leaves once a day while being literally and physically flogged with your mouse cable. I invite you to metaphorically get fucked – because “physically” is too good for you lot.

    • I declined because I am goyische and wasn’t sure whether I would metaphorically contaminate the sacred text by handling it, but that’s another story.
2

Well, you can blame the misuse of literally, since they need some other word to actually mean literally (although actually does a better job IMO.)

3

Wow. Such misuse of the English language physically makes me sick.

4

That rant was, like, physically and literally penultimate!

5

Would you honestly not understand the exact meaning of “We need to literally change the way we think?” People have been using “literally” to mean “figuratively” for years, and have always been able to figure out the difference.

6

Word. I’ve been noticing that “physically” nonsense lately, and I hate it – it always stops me in my figurative tracks because it so patently means “figuratively”.

If it means anything at all; I get the feeling that it’s becoming yet another contentless filler mouth-noise emphasizer.

7

In some instances yes, in others, it’s a barrier to communication.

8

Well, to be fair to the other side, they probably had to add the word for the people too stupid to realize that you had to actually go to a website and click a link because they probably thought they could accomplish their goal just by imagining it.

9

A few days ago, I was sitting in a conference room with some software development people talking through a proposed fix to an application interface error.

At one point, a developer said: “So then we need to physically move the file to the archive…”

And I interrupted, with a matter-of-fact tone: “Insofar as a collection of electrons has a physical presence, yes.”

There followed a moment of slow, blinking silence, as this comment was digested. And then, luckily for me, the group broke into grins, nods, and chuckles.

So now you should understand why I am physically applauding the OP.

10

I’ll reply to this thread momentarily.

11

I’d also understand the meaning of “We need to, um, change the way we think.” The fact that I would understand it doesn’t mean that the “um” adds value. It’s a noise word.

The word “literally”, formerly useful to indicate when you were speaking literally instead of figuratively, has been dumbed down into a useless “noise word” by functional illiterates misusing it. I hate it, and them.

12

Well then maybe you should have a paradigm shift and think outside the box.

13

People keep telling me nobody likes a wiseass, but sometimes wiseasses like each other. So good for you. I haven’t heard “physically” used this way very much, but “literally” is all over the place. Why do people keep needing new words to mean the same thing? Were “actually,” “really” and “figuratively” suddenly not serious enough?

14

Serves you right for calling the Physic Hotline™.

15

With the increasing abundance of IEDs and suicide bombers, my old favorite of “he literally blew up” doesn’t as clearly indicate a temper tantrum as it once did.

“He physically blew up” would be even less clear, IMHO. :smiley:

16

Functional illiterates like F. Scott Fitzgerald, Louisa May Alcott and Mark Twain.

17

Glad to see you’ve noticed, Jurph, we here at the Institute of Language Abuse put a lot of effort into our “physically” campaign. We’re pleased we were able to duplicate the success of our previous “literally” campaign. In gratitude, I’ll give you an advance preview of our upcoming campaign so you can get in ahead of your colleagues. In 2008, we’re planning on introducing the word “realitywise” into usage. We have big hopes for this one; it’s a joint product that our Misusage and Neologism Departments have developed. It beats literally and physically on several keys points - it’s longer, it’s more meaningless, and, as a bonus, it’s not even an adverb. So you’ll want to start using it now. Next time it’s raining outside, tell everyone, “It’s realitywise raining cats and dogs!” and think about us.

18

Are you saying terrorists don’t suffer from fits of rage?

19

This thread is just so random.

20

Curse you, saoirse! I physically pulled that link up on Google mere moments after you posted.

Some of us do love our language myths.