:eek: Ouch! Please never, ever call a smart woman dumb.
I guess. I don’t know. I’m just now learning that I don’t have an ear for sarcasm, so I haven’t had time to think about it thoroughly.
I don’t think I’m biased against sarcasm. Though I will say, sarcasm can sometimes seem “mean” to me and I don’t usually bend that way in my humor.
If I walk into a situation thinking I know how the conversation is likely to go, I am more surprised/confused/upset, etc, when it goes places I wasn’t expecting. Seems to apply here (again - ???): you do not do sarcasm, so you go in not looking for it.
Is it just sarcasm, or are there other multi-level communications approaches that are also a chore - lead to confusion for you, but occur less commonly vs sarcasm?
Right. I mean what I say, so I expect others to mean what they say too.
Is this a bad assumption to make? I can’t imagine NOT looking like a fool if I expected sarcasm around every conversational turn. I don’t think people use sarcasm that often. Or maybe they do?
I don’t know what other “multi-level approach” you could be talking about. Would you mind elaborating?
I can only observe that if you find use of sarcasm catches you pretty frequently (???) then maybe you should consider adjusting your assumptions.
Hmm - how about the social / professional politics of a conversation - where folks are discussing the topic at hand AND there are office politics or social connections at work?
Do you pick up on those cues readily?
I already gave you an example of what happens when I put my guard up and play the skeptic. Do you have any practical advice for me? Apparently “adjusting assumptions” isn’t specific enough.
I don’t know. And I don’t know how I would know such a thing.
All I got is: don’t worry what others think if you need to ask if they are serious. If sarcasm is, for want of a better term, a “blind spot” for you, I would ask. And if they roll their eyes, just say “hey, I don’t do sarcasm and have to ask; if you don’t want to deal with my reaction, don’t use sarcasm with me…”
I know: a pain and it can put them off a bit. But they are the sarcastic ones who may be adding layers to the conversation.
Wish I had more…
yes…my best buddy’s wife is much like you, she does not recognize the finer well placed sarcastic remarks made those in our group. Unlike you she rarely asks for clarification and tends to fake laugh while others are belly laughing. Unfortunately her behavior can be construed by others outside our group as disingenuous. That is her burden to carry or not.
Those of us who know her have learned to leave the sarcasm in our comedic quivers when interacting directly with her, its just easier on her and us. However when the quiver is emptied with someone who gets it we often feel she is just sort of lost in the conversation. :smack: She does have a sense of humor but sarcasm and quick wit she rarely puts in play.
But interesting enough on occasion she will get the intended sarcasm and will laugh genuinely from the heart usually harder then everybody else. Even then it feels to us she is not getting it, if that makes sense.
I doubt there is anything you can do differently. Just one of those things.
Sarcasm also relies heavily on context. If a person lacks the knowledge or familiarity of the context, they won’t know if the remark is legitimate or absurd.
It must be like a buffet to them
One of my neighbors had a bumper sticker that said, “My soul was removed to make room for all this sarcasm.”
A lot of good sarcasm can be delivered perfectly straight, though. For example:
There’s a shelf at my job that has accumulated about a dozen partial rolls of trash bags, because people have this tendency to go to the storeroom and grab a new roll every time they need a trash bag, instead of tearing off a bag from the rolls that are already there, and then they toss the new roll onto the shelf.
So my 62-year-old coworker, new at the job, noticed this pile of partial rolls and said, straight-faced and matter-of-factly, to our 23-year-old coworker, “What we need is about sixteen more rolls of these bags on this shelf.”
The 23-year-old immediately headed toward the storeroom to get more. We had to stop her.
That is both sad and hilarious.
(Sad because I could totally see myself doing the same thing.)
A missing sarcasm detector is a very minor character fault.
The greater fault, really, is with those people for whom every conversation is some kind of game to win (and so likes “gotcha’s”), or is unable to figure out (after a few attempts) that the sarcasm is falling on deaf ears.
I use sarcasm a lot but mostly only with people that I know respond well to it. It gives a nice subtext to the conversation and is a signal that we’re communicating more than superficially. But not everyone responds the same way, and sarcasm isn’t the only way to have a deep conversation. Some people don’t pick up on it and so I’m not sarcastic with those people, or tune my tone of voice to be more obvious (i.e, the more “yeah, right!” form).
Very occasionally, in moments of weakness and when I am annoyed with someone, I use subtle sarcasm against people that I know won’t pick up on it. Sometimes, or especially, when I know that others who are present will pick up on it. But I always feel bad afterward and it’s frankly a douche move.
See, I don’t see that as a problem understanding sarcasm. I see that as not being on the same wavelength as the 62-year-old and noticing the bags as a problem. Unless he uses vocal inflection or other signals, there is no clue unless you notice that problem in the first place.
Though I have a hard time picturing anyone delivering that line straight. It would either be delivered in an overly boisterous or overly serious manner. But the above is the same reason I sometimes don’t notice my sister’s deadpan snarkiness. She’s just much, much more observant than I am.
BTW, monstro, do you have this trouble on this board? I haven’t noticed such a problem. If you can notice it in text, then you should be able to notice it in speech–so I wonder what the disconnect is. The only thing that makes sense is the observant thing I mention above. With everything written down for you, it’s much easier to observe what’s going on in these threads.
monstro > alligator
it’s ok, you’re greater than the alligator, so there’s nothing to worry about.
I recently fell foul of this at work. I had written a report for someone and after sending it to her she emailed back, “Sorry I forgot to ask you to include in the query the following data. If it’s not too much trouble could you run it again some time with the additional stuff.” I rewrote and reran the query, which only took a few minutes, attached it to a reply and wrote, “No. Unfortunately you failed to specify your request properly initially so that’s it.” Since this is the exact opposite of how I feel about such things I assumed she would get the joke. Unfortunately she replied, “That’s OK. Just thought it was worth a shot.” So I then had to explain myself.
Just one datapoint but… I have a friend who can’t detect sarcasm. Therefore, when I am in conversation with this friend, I make a point not to use sarcasm. Anyone who continues to be sarcastic in the presence of someone they know doesn’t get it, is a bit of a dick, in my humblest of opinions.
I am whooshed here on a regular basis, but I’m also pretty good about taking a wait-and-see approach before posting in response to certain posters.
Smilies are also less subtle than facial expressions and voice inflection, so they help.
There’s a contractor I communicate with through email primarily, and he has a sarcastic sense of humor. Email isn’t the best forum for this, and he’s also aware that I’m the gullible type. So when he sends me an email containing hyperbole or exaggeration, he’ll hastily follow-up with a “You know I’m just joking, right?” even before I get the chance to respond. Which kind of detracts from his humor, but at least he’s being thoughtful.
Excerpt from a conversation we had at a management meeting at work:
Other Manager: You’ll like Msmith. He’s one of the funniest, most sarcastic guys in the office.
Help Desk Manager: Oh I know him from our weekly call! I don’t think he’s sarcastic at all. He’s always telling us how we are awesome and doing a great job and how we really make his life easier with our quick and courteous service and how he wishes he could have a hundred people like us… running …the …company…um…oh.
Another conversation:
Me: I’m really looking forward to this project. I think we have a great team and this will really add value to the company.
My Boss: Are you being sarcastic?
Me: I don’t even know any more.
Are you really talking about sarcasm here? A lot of the examples are of sarcasm but it seems to me you really have trouble with people with a dry sense of humour. Sarcasm is only a small part of that. Telling someone there are alligators in the water when there aren’t is not sarcasm (I know there really were alligators but if that’s the type of interplay you are wary off, it’s not sarcasm per se.)
Sarcasm is usually made obvious by tone of voice.