People who try to hide behind "sarcasm" or "satire"

Request for advice: How would you deal with someone who likes to insult people or say offensive things (meant genuinely, in earnest,) but then, whenever confronted, always retorts, “Can’t you tell what sarcasm is?” or insists that they are being satirical?

I used to be that guy. I still have a very dry sense of humor, but now I let people know that, and I try to get to know them, and let them get to know me before I hit them over the head with insults and sarcasm.

So the question for me becomes, “How did people deal with you, Leo?” Honestly, I hurt a lot of feelings, although unintentionally. In high school, for instance, my friends knew when I was joking and when I wasn’t, but new people I met didn’t. I liked playing around like that, but once I grew up enough, I realized how hurtful I was. Since then, I’ve apologized to many people that I’ve hurt, and now I use the disclaimer that while I’m as human as anyone else, and I will stick my foot in my mouth and say the wrong thing, I don’t intentionally hurt people.

Once they get to know me well enough, and know that I’m joking, and I know they can take it, all bets are off, and I’m liable to razz people. But, to repeat myself, I make sure they know it’s a joke. ETA: if I get the idea that they’re sensitive, and don’t like that humor, I don’t use it. I’ll still say the wrong thing sometimes (who doesn’t on occasion?), but I do my damndest to be careful of other people’s feelings.

That’s the long answer, sorry. The short answer is get away from them if they’re hurtful, whether they mean to be or not. The person you’re talking about has to learn when to turn on the sarcasm, and when to turn it off. Fortunately, I learned that lesson before it was too late.

Leo: if you’re still doing it at all, you’ve haven’t in fact learned your lesson yet.

stop talking to them. They don’t realize the difference between “being sarcastic” and “being an asshole.” And you probably won’t be able to make them see the difference.

Ah, the old, “What’s the matter, can’t you take a joke?!” person.

How I would deal with them would depend on who they were to me.

If they were someone I could ignore and get out of my life, I would. You’re sure they mean it? They’re an asshole.

If I could not, or for some reason did not want to, I suppose I’d tell them they’d better work on their delivery, because instead of being funny, they’re just coming off like an asshole. My level of kindness while telling them this would depend. I’d remind them they were being an asshole 'til they broke the habit.

If that did not work, I’d probably give them a taste of their own medicine, and insult them back. With bad delivery. When they were offended, I’d blink innocently, and say, “What’s the matter, can’t you take a joke?! I was KIDDING!! Sheesh.” :wink:

I’d say occasional upset is a reasonable trade-off for maintaining a sense of humour.

On the other hand, I know someone at work who slathers every statement with sarcasm, but seems to have forgotten to insert any humour. Without any wit, he just comes across as tiresomely embittered and flippant.

If someone says, “Can’t you tell what sarcasm is?” the obvious response is: “What difference does it make?”

Satire is not the same as sarcasm at all. Well-done satire doesn’t need to insult people. The response: “If that’s your best ‘satire,’ then don’t quit your day job.”

Some people who use sarcasm, etc. on a regular basis (without apologizing) may have an undiagnosed personality disorder, such as narcissism. People with personality disorders (or perhaps someone with a bad personality) may enjoy being sarcastic, etc. to other people, as it makes the person making the negative comment feel better about themselves. Hypothetically, if a sibling tells her sister she has gained weight, it could make the sibling who made the negative comment feel better about her own weight. If someone, after making the negative comment, says they were just joking or apologized immediately, it may not indicate a personality disorder.

…also far more devastating conditions, such as being British, Australian or Irish.

I always want to tell such people that their behaviour reveals a couple of particularly unattractive things about them! Firstly, people are mostly offended because you are obviously assuming your audience is not smart enough to understand the subtext of what you’re really saying. Trust me, they totally understand what you’re trying to really say. Always. Your numerous disclaimers notwithstanding.

The second thing it reveals is that you’re willing to talk any kind of crass trash under the guise of sarcasm, only joking, didn’t mean it that way. Only to back away when called on it. Talking trash while unwilling to own any of it is the behaviour of a weasel.

Are these really the things you want to reveal about your character? To anybody?

This.

When it happens, give the blank stare. Do not listen to excuses or lame “can’t you take a joke” BS. Minimize contact in the future, but if you have to interact (like at work) do not react to the sarcasm. And don’t explain your POV as that invites further BS from them.

I like bitter humor, black humor, and even sarcasm in measured doses when it is intelligent and witty. But the OP asked about people who hide behind it and overuse it. I say do not reinforce them by reacting or even engaging. They need an audience. Don’t be it.

That doesn’t seem like a justified conclusion to draw. Razzing between people who are familiar with each other is SOP in many communities.

Sarcasm is a tool for derision. It is very seldom when someone or something really merits derision in real life. I think some people have trouble distinguishing what’s appropriate in real human interactions as opposed to TV sitcoms or Twitter.

And that’s what I was trying to say. I don’t razz people unless and until they and I are fully on the same page. If I have any doubts about it, I’m nothing but polite and business-like. As I mentioned in my previous post, I’m as human as anyone, and so will still occasionally say the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time, but that’s simply human error, not trying to be sarcastic or satirical.

I had a group of friends once whose motto was “The more we insult you, the more we like you.” In that case, it was understood and a given that you were likely to be insulted, and could insult back. That may be an exception, but for those particular people, at that place, and at that time, it was no different than being a member of the Masons or a frat, or other inclusive group that has maybe a secret handshake, or passwords or something.

Nope. It’s “know your audience.”

Surely it is different amongst friends. I’ve said simply terrible things to my friends, and they have returned in kind. But that is not what the OP was talking about.

The bolding is mine.

Man, I must thrive on confrontation because it bothers me less and less.

If it were my boss I’d speak to him or her privately, saying something like, “I know you’re clever because you (blah blah) but when you say _________ it throws people off, makes them defensive and actually hurts their feelings. Since you seem to be (insert ass-kissing BS) I thought you’d want to know that it’s hindering your goals.”

If it was a coworker I’d say, “You might think you’re being funny but talk to me like that again and I’ll kick your ass.” In front of everybody.

For clarification, this thread isn’t about sarcasm that hurts people’s feelings. It’s about someone who knowingly and willfully says hurtful things that are meant 100% genuinely (in other words, non-sarcastically,) but then, when confronted, claims “sarcasm.”

like I said, such a person is an asshole.

Just cowards. They have been on the net too long and have forgotten that they are not anonymous.