There’s this guy in my office that feels threatened by intelligent women (or just any woman). He can’t stand me, I can’t stand him, all fair and square. The problem is that he has started trying to provoke me, in the hope, I would guess, that my boss fires me when I finally have enough and murder him.
His newest tactic is insinuating in front of my coworkers that I am lesbian. I am not, and although I keep my private life private many people know I have a boyfriend. I could try to dispute his statements, but by doing that I would accept that being lesbian is bad, which I don’t think. Also trying to dispute his arguments will not help, he’ll only come back with another piece of nonsensical accusation.
Now, sarcasm has been my only weapon so far. The guy is as smart as a garden rock, most times he just stares at me open mouthed while other people smile as he doesn’t noticed that he’s been insulted. But I ran out of sarcams already, they guy has more enduring power than I!
Help, please lend me some of your favorite sarcastic insults. Subtlety is a plus.
My take would be to ask him, So what? Whether you’re a lesbian or not has absolutely no bearing on your presence in the workplace, and is no one’s business. The same is true if you’re straight. So ask him, what if I said, Yes, I’m a lesbian. Then what? Suppose I stand on this chair and announce my sexual preference to the entire office? Would you then still feel the need to keep harping on it at every opportunity? Why do you insist on having this obsession? Do you really have so little going on in your own life that you have to obsess over my private none-of-your-damn business?
Just ride him, as publicly as possible, until he realizes just how lame he is and how lame he looks to everyone else. SAY that you know he’s threatened by intelligent women. OUT him (to himself, if not to everyone else who already knows) for being the petty little worm that he is.
Well, you could put on your best Mae West voice and say something like:
“You know, big boy, I AM a lesbian, but when I’m around a big, strong, hunky man like you it just makes me want to change my ways. Oh, baby, yah. etc. etc. etc.”
Do it as campily as possible and maybe rub yer hands up and down yer thighs a bit. Make sure to do this when there’s lots of people watching. Really, the more absurd you make it, the better.
Or you could just look at him totally deadpan and say:
“Are you trying to harass me based on my sexuality?”
I don’t think the extra-strong sarcasm with a cherry on top is going to get you very far, because he wants to provoke a response. If he goads you, and you respond, then he is in control and this is what he wants. If you totally ignore him, so that he does not “win” a response, then eventually he will tire of the tactic because he’ll learn that it doesn’t work.
It is usually the case in office, however, that totally ignoring someone is very hard or impractical. An absolutely awesome tactic to employ in this situation is to state the situation very openly and calmly every single time. So next time he tries to provoke a reaction, you say, “You are currently seeking to provoke a response from me, because so long as you provoke, and I respond, you get a feeling of being in control, or of having power. Why do you think you are doing this?”. I agree this is hard to do, but if you can, it’s very effective. Don’t be deflected off track. the raw truth cuts deep and is the sharpest knife in your drawer.
But anyway, if it’s sarcasm you want…
“I’m very impressed that you have evolved to the level of joined-up talking. The next step is to think of something to say that is actually worth saying. This could take a while, since you obviously possess the intellect of a brain-dead chimpanzee called Colin. Everything you say is about as stupid as King Stupid of Stupid Land on ‘Let’s Be Stupider Than We’ve Ever Been Before Day’, and you have established yourself as the kind of man who can light up any room just by leaving it. Anyway, I refuse to trade wits with an unarmed opponent. You are the weakest think, goodybe.”
I guess I think about the same way as alice_in_wonderland. If I’m exasperated by someone, I’ll just admit to any accusation he comes up with. Since everyone else knows that the accusation is false, then admitting to it makes the accuser look foolish. I like Daowajan’s answer, “Jealous?” too.
ianzin’s post reminds me of a scene in Twin Peaks where the character played by José Ferrer takes a verbal jab at the Sheriff. When the Sheriff starts to say something, Ferrer turns to Kyle MacLaughlan and says with a laugh:
“Hey look! It’s trying to speak!”
I’ve always liked that one. Another good one is if you can catch him saying, “I’m not as dumb as I look.” (or “I’m not such a fool as you believe me to be.” or something similar). Your answer: “You couldn’t be.”
Have you tried the ol’ standbys such as “Were you born stupid? Or did you have to study?”
How about: “I may or may not be a lesbian. You are stupid. If I am a lesbian I can still choose to sleep with a man. You, however, must remain stupid.”
If this has been going on for awhile and you’re confident that your coworkers have some idea of the history between you, the next time it happens, I would say this – loudly and publicly, “This really wasn’t funny when you started, and now it’s getting really annoying. If you make another crack like that, I’m going to complain to your supervisor, my supervisor, the EEO rep in HR, and the company’s general counsel. Is there any part of this that is unclear to you?”
If you have a few bucks to spare, send the idiot a subscription to a magazine of a type that he hates. For example, if he’s anti-gay (seems likely), find a magazine for gays. If he finds gardening distasteful, maybe “Better Homes & Gardens.” Or “Modern Motherhood.” Or “Parenting.” But send to him c/o office address. Hmm. How about those wedding magazines?
I agree with yojimboguy. Confront the idiot directly and tell him that next time this happens you will file a grievance with the Human Resources department. Sarcasm isn’t going to work, you’ve already tried it.
If your office is a professional environment, then I would start keeping track of the occasions, writing down dates / times, his exact words and names of co-workers that were present. When you have a list showing repeated behaviour then you can approach HR and get the jerk in trouble.
If on the other hand you are both employees of the Mafia then I would just give him the old cement shoes treatment, and no one else will mess with you after that.
Listen to yojimboguy and Arnold. If you keep up the sarcasm thing, the whole thing could just sprial - and he’ll be able to say that you were joking along with him if you end up having to push the “sexual harrassment” button.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that. Would you mind repeating that into this tape recorder for me?”
“Look, just because all the other women you meet tell you they’re lesbians doesn’t mean that I’m one.”
Leave a copy of “Guns and Ammo” visible on the corner of your desk. If he asks, tell him you’re “just browsing…for the moment…”
"And this relates to work how, exactly?
[innocently] “Say, yours is the red (or whatever) car in the lot, isn’t it?” When he asks why you want to know, say “Oh, no reason…”
“Stop beating around the bush. If you want to sleep with me, just ask me now so I can laugh in your face and get back to my work.”
When others are around, mimic his body language and facial expressions.
“Gosh, that’s clever. I’d heard you went to school to become a wit but had to quit halfway. And hey! Quit hogging all the ugly!” [sub]thanks to the late lamented Wally for that one[/sub]
And before us you can see a truely amaizing creature.
The last human being in the United States who doesn’t understand that sexual harrisment in the workplace is against the law.
So rarely do people in a modern industrial society have a chance to meet such an endangered creature, especially in its native habitat. Please, no photography as such creatures are by nature skittish, we don’t want to chase him off to soon. Especially since his native habitat is shriking at such an alarming rate.
