You could just acknowledge all his points with “Oh…Touche’” in the deadest voice possible.
Or just giggle a little whenever he speaks, as long as it’s clear you’re laughing at him rather than with him.
Or say “What are you implying…Oh, you mean I’m a lesbian! I get it now!”
Seriously, though, if he is actually harassing you, you might want to keep a file on him. The file will need to include you asking him to stop harassing you.
Cock your head, then let the little light bulb (imaginary) above it light up.
“Oh! I see. You know, projecting things you are afraid that others will discovery about yourself unto other people isn’t the best way to keep secret the fact that your tastes differ.” In the tone of ‘wise advisor Earth mother to very foolish young boy’. This drives these insecure guys nuts. “If you were brave enough, you’d simply admit it. There isn’t really a reason to be defensive about it, these days. People are so much more accepting and reasonable, don’t you agree?”
If he starts to deny, just smile wisely again, and say, “Whatever you say, dear. Your secret is always safe with me, of course.”
You could go to your manager, HR etc and explain how he is bothering you
-or-
You could explain how his infatuation with same sex relationships is actually an escape for him being gay. Elaborate on it all you want, after all you know him better then me, perhaps you can point some other things out to him that suggests he is gay. Then calmly had him a phone number, letter, ad, or whatever for a gay support group. Explain that these people will help him come out of the closet.
Whenever people make idiotic remarks intended to be insults but aren’t even insults, I always think of the Simpsons episode where Lisa is being taunted by her classmates for being vegetarian.
“Are you going to marry a carrot, Lisa?”
Lisa, deadpan. “Yes. I am going to marry a carrot.”
This approach has already been suggested here, and I’ve tried it, it usually works. Re-stating the insult / innuendo in a factual way just shows how dumb it is and makes the person feel stupid because you’re not all upset about it.
If it’s really serious and you just want to get rid of him I would go with reporting him to HR, though.
I had someone accuse me of being a lesbian once, not that was any of his business.(FTR I am bi - but again, not his business). Conversation went as such;
<childish idiot showing off to his friends> This is Tequila. She’s a lesbian.
<Me> Why do you say that?
<cisothf> You hate men.
<Me> Well, I suppose if I actually considered you to fall into the category of men, then yes, I hate men.
Not all that witty or sarcastic, but it did the job.
I think I’ve been a lesbian ever since my nuts dropped.
You could try this
Sexual Harrassment idiot, “Are you a lesbian?”
Mighty_Girl “No, but I wish you every success in your quest. Why exactly are you trying to find a lesbian ?”
or
Sexual Harrassment idiot, “Are you a lesbian?”
Mighty_Girl “Do you get a lot of girls telling you that they are? I know that I have told a guy that I am when I don’t want to have anything to do with him because he’s a total maroon”
“I’m not a lesbian, but I understand that emacsulated spineless losers can get that impression.”
“Everybody has something to bring to the discussion, and from now on, what you should bring is silence.”
(Don’t remember where I heard that before.)
Mighty_girl, do you ever do brainstorming sessions where you work? You could say something like, “In this session just say any idea that pops into your head. No idea is too stupid. And to prove it, Garden_Rock, why don’t you go first?”
If he’s straight, you might try –
tinkling laugh Oh, honey, I’d no more sleep with a woman than you would!
Now, I ain’t sayin’ there’s anything wrong with being gay 'cause there ain’t, but if he likes to imply that people are gay, then see how he likes it when you make the same insinuations about him. What’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.
Wow, so it’s true that gay men can tell other people are gay just by looking at them?
ROFL! And while he’s busy figuring it out, you could cross a state line.
Try this: Have you ever noticed how all the majorly homophobic people are hiding something? Hmmm, wonder what it could possibly be…perhaps it involves a closet they are hiding in.
"Are we doing the “lesbian” thing again, Norm? That is soooo passe. Do you read “People”? EVERYBODY is a lesbian these days.
If you insist on trying to insult me at every opportunity, can you at least TRY to be creative? I realize that that will be a huge stetch for that neanderthal brain of yours, but I have confidence in you, Norm. Now, go skedaddle back under that big rock from whence you came and don’t come out until you can come up with something clever.
The next time he pulls this stunt in a room full of people you look him right in the face and say “my private life is my business, just as your private life is yours. I do not choose to discuss such matters in public. I would be most grateful if you would refrain from making similar remarks in the future.” Then wait a beat and poke him in the eye as hard as you can.