I work with a five year old

The BBQ Pit
1

Actually, it would be more tolerable if he was actually five.

This man is old enough to be my dad (except I’d kill myself if he was). He intentionally tries to annoy me (my boss has said so. I assumed he was an asshole to everyone). I swear he’s holding a contest to see how loud he can be in the morning. He’ll walk by and pound on my monitor. No, really POUND on the top of my monitor. Every single time he turns something in he says ‘should I give it to you? Or put it over in the box?’ He insists on informing me when he’s going to the restroom (or as he likes to put it ‘make water’). He sings all the time even though EVERYONE in the office has told him not to. (He’s not quite William Hung bad, but he’s darn close)

He swears at the printers and fax machines. Often. (Okay, they suck, but still) He swears at the copy machines. He makes a huge deal every time I don’t do something exactly as he wants. He’s computer illiterate (they’re all pretty much computer illiterate - don’t get me started), so my trying to explain to him, hey that picture in your folder is the same size as the one I emailed you, does no good. If I misstype a word, it’s as big a deal as if I just replaced the company logo with a giant turd.

We have sample labels that all the salespeople use. The head salesperson also has his own samples with his name on them. When the generic samples run out, Mr. Five-Year-Old steals the Head Salesmans labels. And whines. And bitches.
When they run out of flyers he whines and bitches. No, he never mentions that they’re getting low. Just that they’re out. I’m not actually the one in charge of flyers. When I can’t do something for him RIGHT NOW he whines and bitches. Hey asshole, maybe if you wouldn’t leave at TWO every day, you’d get more done.

We ran out of clear laminate for the labels. I don’t track that - I don’t laminate the labels. Who does he call and bitch to and ask if we have ANY at all? Not the warehouse, who is in charge of it. ME. And I have to explain multiple times in fine detail that I have no idea if we have any, seeing as, in fact, it’s not my job. Ask the warehouse, asshole. He’s done this multiple times.

He walks by my desk to tell me the same thing over and over again. ‘Hey, we have bagels’ So I heard. ‘We have bagels’ Yes, you told me. ‘Don’t you want a bagel?’ No, I want you to go die somewhere.

No, I’m not a nice person. No, I don’t like you. Yes, I really mean it when I say if I was related to you, I’d kill myself. YES, I’M FUCKING IGNORING YOU. Why? Because you’re acting like a fucking moronic assholey child.

I’ll take the new guy’s tantrums in the other room at the top boss, because he can’t get an advance. I’ll take the Head Salesman’s ‘why haven’t you signed these off? They can be shipped’ (because, it’s not the end of the pay period, so there’s no rush and I have this STACK of all things to be printed first.) I’ll even take the boss’s ‘PRINT! Why aren’t ALL the printers going?’ (because the printers are waiting for the computer. Or I’m too tired to run between the two computers). But Mr. Five-Year-Old? I’ve put up with this shit for two years - when I snap, he’ll be the reason.
(also, goddammit my leg hurts! Stupid table corner)

2

I’m pretty sure he’s got a crush on you.

3

I guess asking him to fuck off and die is inappropriate?

4

You won’t know for sure until he pulls your hair or hits you with a baguette, though.

5

[hijack]
Dammit, I hate that…except it’s donuts at my office. “Ooo, we have donuts! Have a donut! Don’t you want a donut?” This is after the ladies have picked through the box and “sampled” (using forks, most of the time) the stranger-looking donuts.
[/hijack]

6

Apparently me and the warehouse guy (we were comparing notes)

I’ve pretty much tried that. It encourages him. I’m tempted to see how he reacts to being squirted with water and told ‘BAD DOG!’

If nothing else, it should amuse the rest of the office.

7

When we had problems with dogs running loose (this was many years ago) we squirted them with a mix of water and ammonia. If plain water doesn’t work, I’d say go to the ammonia mix before trying Mace or a taser. I say this only because HR really frowns on tasering one’s coworkers, no matter much they ork you.

8

Ask him to his face why’s he such an asshole to you.
If your boss confirms you’ve got particular attention, you may be able to have grounds for an harassment complaint or something along those lines

9

So there’s the real problem, right? Your boss is okay with the childish prick waving his ass at you (and only you) and… What?
Lets him get away with it?

10

And if you do tase him, make sure you record it and post it on YouTube.

“Don’t you want a baaaaAAUUUUGHHHHH!”

11

:smiley:

I think you’ve got a winner. Squirt him with water and yell “BAD DOG!” and then each time he dares say even a syllable, whack him on the nose with a newspaper and yell “NO!” Repeat until he walks out with his tail between his legs.

12

That guy sounds like my wife’s boss. The only reason she hasn’t walked out is because when she threatens to leave he gives her a fat raise. One of these days the raise won’t be enough compensation, but in the meantime our debt has gone down from ridiculous to manageable.

13

The standard Labor Union answer.

Keep a diary of each and every incident, inform managers of his behaviour with a firend or witness present, make sure to send emails confirming the meeting and send a minute of the meeting, preferably get an agreement of accuracy of the minutes.

Then challenge the managers to do something about it.

14

Glue a row of thumb tacks on top of your monitor.

You’re welcome.

Regards,
Shodan

15

You know it has been a few years since we had one of those types in the office. HR must be getting better on screening them out before they are placed on the farm.

Speaking of bagels we have a “bagel lady”, as she is commonly referred to, that comes in our office three times a week to sell her bagels and pastries. Several months ago we had a receptionist that tried to spruce up her arrival.

~LOUD SPEAKER ANNOUCEMENT~

“Happy Monday everyone the bagel lady is here with her delious bagels and pastries”

Repeat on Wednesday and Friday. And some times we would get extra information.

“Happy Wednesday the bagel lady is here and today she has carrot cake”

She lasted three looong months.

Three people later and we get “Bagel Lady is here”, but you have to play close attention because this new person does not know how to “speak the fuck up”. I can never hear a fucking thing she announces. I hope the place is never on fire or they will find me burnt to crisp in my cube.

16

If sticking thumb tacks to the monitor is too difficult, try something sticky (strawberry jam?) that will be easy to clean off later.

Also, if your job allows it, ear plugs or listening to music.

An “annoying interrumpter” stopped doing it to me after I pretended to be so startled I accidentally launched a cup of soda hitting him below the belt so he had to walk around wet for most of the day. Oh, I’m so sorry. I was concentrating on my work and you startled me.

Plus, of course, document, document, document.

17

That’s exactly what I was thinking. The boss is fully aware of a male employee “intentionally trying to annoy” a female employee. Going with the “reasonable person” concept, I’d say that the boss is aware of and not doing anything to prevent a hostile work environment.

A harassment complaint, especially one based in fact, is a far better method of dealing with the jerk than doing illegal acts yourself as some others in this thread have suggested the OP do.

18

As someone said earlier this guy has a ‘thing’ for you. He either really likes you (in that creepy, old-dude-trawling-in-a-teen-chatroom kind of way) or he’s really affronted by something about you…maybe you’re a constant reminder of how he’s totally screwed up his life. …my spidey sense is going with he likes you.

In either case, what strikes me from your story is your office seems to be dysfunctionally managed. Old annoying guy seems to me to be one of the least of your problems.

19

I’d have him killed. I’m not saying that it’s the right thing to do, and I am trying to improve that part of my character. But all the same, I’d have him killed.

20

Yeh, effective solution, except you’d need a minion for that, and a good minion is hard to find these days.