It's like having a whiny boyfriend, but AT WORK!

The BBQ Pit
1

Oy! This man! There’s an attorney here who either has a really big crush on me (a theory held by the guys in the mailroom, a theory about which they don’t let one day go by without reminding me and anyone else who will listen—I swear, they’re like high school children, which is another thread all by itself) or is intent on torturing me until I’m driven insane.

A typical day of torture starts with him calling to ask me a question to which he very well knows he knows the answer. Fine. I bite, answer the question thoroughly and then offer a smart-ass comment telling him he knew that and he should call our help desk, as that’s their job and not mine. An hour will pass, he’ll call again with some fabricated ‘problem’, I solve it, offer another smart-ass comment and tell him to call the help desk. Rinse. Repeat, ad-fucking-nauseum.

Around 12:30, he’ll call me, ask me if I’ve had lunch yet, and I’ll politely, yet firmly, decline.

We go through this about twice a month. I did go to lunch with him once; it was fine as, when he’s not being a complete cock, he’s actually pretty interesting. As there’s enough of a rumor mill going around, however, I really don’t want to add fodder to it by going to lunch with this guy on a regular basis.

Today, however, I just want to punch him in his junk. Hard. So he’s having trouble with an automated process in a Microsoft Office product. He calls me all frustrated and pissed off wanting me to answer a specific question about one piece of a function in Word. I ask him a few questions about his data source and he gets all pissy because, of course, he knows what he’s doing–he doesn’t–and he’s done this a dozen times before–he hasn’t–and if I don’t know what I’m doing–I do–then I should stop wasting his time–I’m not–and give him the name of the person who can best assist him. I tell him to call the help desk as that’s their job. He tells me he doesn’t want to deal with them as they’re useless–he’s right–and wants the name of a specific person. I acquiesce, give him her name and he hangs up on me. Fine. Good riddance, asshole. Of course, she’s not there and, because he’s got nuts of brass, he calls me back asking for help.

I go to his office, and ask him to start from the beginning so I can see just where the process is breaking. I warn him that I’m going to have to leave, as I’ve got to go start a process in a few minutes, but will be back to help him. He huffs and puffs, sounding remarkably like my four-year-old. In the midst of his frenzied mouse clicking, I discover at least one part of the problem. I tell him what he needs to do and, before I can caution him he needs to paste it a certain way, he’s already done it the wrong way. Jesus Christ. I tell him, look, I know you’re frustrated and I’m trying to help, but if you won’t listen, I can’t help you. He yells (!!) at me to tell me he IS listening and, in a complete fuck-this-shit moment, I just walk out of his office.

Ten minutes later, he’s in my office, penitent and apologetic offering explanations that he’s under pressure and he’s sorry he yelled at me and he wants my help and he’s sorry and pressure, sorry, pressure, more sorry and more crap about pressure. I tell him to give the information to his secretary and I’ll work with her because I’m not going to work with him. He damn near begs me to work with him, but I hold my ground and tell him if he wants my help with this, I’m not going to work with him as he’s just going to pass it to her anyway.

This isn’t the first time this has happened, either. It’s like having a whiny, clingy, nearly-psychotic boyfriend, but at work. I haven’t even gone into the late-night and weekend email messages sent via Blackberry, the daily half-dozen visits to my office and having me paged when it’s not even urgent.

Christ al-fucking-mighty! I don’t have this much drama with my husband, and I’m fucking him!

I just needed to vent, if you got this far, thanks.
–While I was reviewing this, he called and asked if he could come see me. This ought to be fun, in a getting-stitches-sans-local-anesthesia kind of way.–

2

Why on earth do you keep putting up with this shit?

I mean… he calls you, it’s not your job, and instead of being firm and saying “I have my own work, I can’t help you, sorry.” you allow him to continue. You even end up helping him, which only encourages him to do it again.

And then he’s a raving asshole loon, and not only do you help him, you go over to his office to help???

Just shut the guy down. Cold. Just say you’re busy, you have your own work, and his shit isn’t your problem. Unless you’re on a team with him or something, it shouldn’t affect you. Hell, if it comes to it go to a mutual boss and inform 'em of the work time you’re losing having to shepard this schmuck through his day.

But don’t put up with it! If he hangs up on you and then calls you back, do not talk with him! Don’t help his secretary, don’t go out of your way for this guy at all. And if he keeps it up, report him for creating a threatening work enviornment.

3

Maybe he is trying to look down your shirt while he’s at your desk. And watch your butt as you walk (or storm) off. Try not dressing all sexy-like and see if his interest diminishes.

4

Heh. This is funny.

It sounds like he’s got the hots to me, too.

Perhaps you should undo the top three buttons of your blouse and see if you can make his head explode. :smiley:

5

I’m the IT chick here, but in a project manager role. While users are supposed to call our help desk for first and second level support, they’re not always helpful and I end up assuming a support position sometimes. I’m usually OK with this because I understand the people here need to support their clients and sometimes they need assistance right away. Most people are very nice about asking me for help and start off by letting me know they’ve explored other avenues before contacting me.

Also, he’s a member of a unique group of users I administer, so I have to work with him legitimately on quite a few projects.

If he’s got the hots, fine, whatever. Must he be so juvenile about it?

6

Holy crap, talk about a doormat. It’s not your job to help him, he bugs you continuously, you help him anyway then complain about it? I think you are your own worst enemy. No wonder kids can’t “Just say no”. Hell, most adults can’t. Grow a pair, and I mean that in the most helpful way possible.

7

Absolutely, cuz, y’know, UrbanChic, it’s totally your fault that this guy is such a puppy dog around you. He has no control with you looking as good as you look! Maybe a heavy sweatshirt and looser slacks. Or a muumuu!! That’ll work :rolleyes:

He knows you’re married, right? I mean, you have pics on your desk, and I’ve seen the one of you and your son. He cannot possibly be that clueless.

8

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s…

a woosh! :wink:

9

:smack: :o

10

He sounds like he’s a stalker. Not a very dangerous one, but still.

I’d go have a talk with HR, not necessarily to demand intervention so much as to let them know what’s happening and see what they can suggest to resolve the problem. I’m not going to say he’s creating a hostile work environment, I don’t think it’s gone that far – yet, but this worries me:

He has no business intruding into your off-work life. In fact, the more I think about it, the more that’s definitely an alarm bell to me.

11

Keep a diary of when he contacts you, the reason, and the time of day. Maybe you’ll get a better idea as to how much of a probem his behavior constitutes, looking at cold hard numbers on paper. At the least, you’ll want proofs (so keep voicemails/e-mails etc. if you can) if you do end up having to go to HR because he’s being way too clingy and not figuring things out for himself. You aren’t being paid to do the most minute problem solving for him after all. You are there to help as a “last ditch effort” if I read your posts correctly. That’s a far cry from what he’s doing most of the time. Either you need a raise, or he needs to stop starving his brain of oxygen and start using it before it atrophies past recovery. Good luck.

12

It sounds like he might (wrongly) consider you a friend.

13

Probably, Shade. Whenever we’re at firm-wide functions, you’ll most likely find the two of us together, giggling and making jokes at the expense of others. We have a lot in common with regards to cars, clothing and vacation spots. When he comes to visit, we have pretty good conversations. He sent me the nicest card when I was out for surgery a year and a half ago.

All in all, I don’t dislike the guy. He’s just whiny and high maintenance–two qualities I can’t stand in a man.

I was just ticked about yesterday’s events, and needed to vent.

14

Why on earth should the fact that he’s a man have any bearing on your reaction? If the person is “whiny and high maintenance”, the person is “whiny and high maintenance” regardless of their gender. The fact that the person is a male should have no influence whatsoever on your professional assessment of the situation.

You’ll note now that I’m referring now to the person as “the person”. See how it changes the context? If your issue is the fact that person is being unprofessional, their gender should have no bearing.

However, if your issue is that the person is making unwelcome approaches to you whilst also being someone who you’re unattracted to, then your actions aat the moment are actually compounding your problem. And here’s why…

When we need to be assertive with someone, the goal shouldn’t be so much as to thrive on confrontation - rather, the goal should be to reach a win/win situation for both parties concerned.

You need to ask yourself just what sort of win/win you want out this situation. Remember something however - stop right now if you think that you can somehow change the guy’s behaviour. You’re on a hiding to nothing if that’s your goal. The only thing you can change is your own behaviour.

Right here, right now… by coming on this messageboard and venting the way that you’ve done? That’s the passive response. But you’re still resentful. You haven’t actually attacked the “cause” yet. THe problem with being passive is that we allow resentment to build up and build up - and then it explodes as a mini form of aggression. Don’t do that - that’s uncool.

Learn to be assertive towards the person with a view to achieving a win/win outcome. It’s perfectly acceptable to say something along the lines of “Look, I have to be honest, I’m very disappointed that you’re still coming to me with these issues. I feel awkward and uncomfortable when you do this.”

Doing such a thing let’s the person know how YOU are feeling without attacking their sense of self esteem.

Try it.

15

It doesn’t. I don’t like whiny people regardless of their gender. High-maintenance I can abide in a woman, just not in a man. I’m not going to apologize for it; it is what it is.

I’m not a doormat (my husband laughed out loud at that one) and I know how to be assertive. I couldn’t be where I am today in my career without being so. I can understand how one could draw the conclusion that I’m a push-over from the OP, though.

I really wasn’t asking for a solution, although I thank the posters who took the time to offer one. This guy is totally harmless; nothing I can’t handle. I was just having a bad day and his little outburst didn’t really help matters. This was probably better suited for MPSIMS than the Pit. I just needed to vent and use curse words, so I turned to the Pit.

16

I know you aren’t looking for a solution, but it should be easy for someone in IT to fabricate some emails and then subtly bring them to the attention of management. I’m sure they would have some interesting things to say to an employee requesting NAMBLA pamphlets using the company’s email.

17

I asked… why should the fact that the person is male have any bearing on your reaction? You replied…

That’s called denial. On the one hand you’re denying the fact that because the guy is male that it has any bearing on your reaction - just 15 words later you’re openly admitting that the fact that he is a male plays an important role.

Again, may I reiterate… this thread, and the thought processes you went through in justifying whether you should create it are a function of NOT approaching your colleague’s behaviour in an assertive nature. By coming on to a messageboard and venting about it (by definition) is a passive response. It most certainly is NOT an assertive response. Fix the situation by approaching it with a win/win end result in mind and you’ll never need to vent again.

You’re harbouring resentment towards your colleague. It doesn’t matter to me (on the other side of the planet) if you wish to deny this or not - but the fact you created this thread is inarguable evidence that you are. Stop denying things and fix the problem.

Remember these famous words - almost all of our problems in life are of own making usually. Somebody pissing you off at work? Fix it. Don’t come onto a messageboard thinking that the solution will somehow cosmically manifest itself. Attack the problem or let the resentment continue to build.

Now you can take this message and accept it for what it is, or you get indignant with me. If you do the latter, that’s called transferrance, but it still won’t fix your problem. If you felt that it was important enough to spend the 15 minutes or so to draft this thread, and the following cumulative hour in responding to various posts, then the problem is important enough for you to tackle head on instead of trying to hope it will go away. The latter option is NOT assertive - even though you’d like to think that that’s what you are.

In closing - if you choose not to act, ultimately the title you chose for the thread reflects yourself. Think about that. We often accuse others of being guilty of that which we ourselves are guilty of. It’s one of life’s great ironies.

18

So you both agree then. Excellent.

19

Btw…

Whiny men suck. Men shouldn’t whine - that’s the province of 3 year-olds.

20

people shouldn’t whine. women shouldn’t act like 3-year-olds, either.