I just got off the phone with a coworker who was so rude to me that I am shaking. He was nasty, smug, and told me I was wasting his time with a routine question (which he refused to answer). I’m sitting here with my door closed and letting my calls go to voice mail, because I don’t think I could answer the phone with a normal voice. I’m going to have to leave the office soon, because I just used up the last of my Kleenex.
I wish I could say I didn’t care about my coworker the jerk and move on with my morning, but something about it was so upsetting. He knows I am just starting in a new position in our company, trying to learn a new job and work with a new boss. It just crushed me when I sat down to work on this new assignment, picked up the phone, and then got blasted by this guy.
With all the serious problems in people’s lives, I feel bad being so upset over something as trivial as a mean person in my office. So now I am mad at him, and frustrated with myself for letting such a petty person get to me so much.
Some people can’t deal with not knowing the answer. Perhaps he was so embarrassed that he decided that the best distraction from his ignorance was to be an ass. Best bet is that you’re not the only one he treats like this- is he your boss?
I am writing this in short bursts (I’m on lunch, but still answering phones).
First of all, calm down. I down it’s difficult (I’ve been there so often I could open up a travel agency), but falling apart is not going to make matters any easier. Not only that, it will lessen you in the eyes of your other co-workers.
Second - I know you are upset, but can we get a little more information? That would help with advising you.
What sort of information were you looking for? A file? A computer program? Some statistics? Is it something readily available in the office, or something you had to get directly from him?
Is this guy a coworker or superior (management)? Is he in the same department? Do you report to him, is he connected with the project? If he is not your boss, let your boss know of the situation.
When did you ask him? During lunch or in the middle of a phone call? (I am not defending him; I ask because I get a little bent out of shape when I am on the phone and somone interrupts me for something that could be easily found elsewhere.)
Is this the first time you have had a problem with this person or is it ongoing?
Best advice right now is to:
Calm down, and stay at work.
Confront him and talk to him in a calm tone of voice - tell him you did not appreciate his attitude or actions. You are new to the department and (maybe) are unfamiliar with the normal routine (unless this is something company-wide). Best to nip this in the bud before you end up cringing everytime he walks by.
If that gets nowhere, talk to your boss. Explain the situation. That’s what bosses are/should (theoretically) be there for - guidance with workplace procedures and personnel (but don’t go crying to the boss each time someone looks at you funny). Maybe this person has had a bad day, or maybe he is a real jerk.
In the meantime, get a piece of paper. Draw the ugliest face you can. Mentally picture this coworker as the ugly face. (Do not write this person’s name on the paper, notr make the caracature to close to be recognizable.) In the privacy of your office:
Step on the picture.
Spit on it.
Draw funny faces on it.
Crumple it up.
Put it into an envelope and send it through the shredder when no one else is around.
Done this many times and I felt much better.
In the meantime:
{{{{{delphica}}}}}
Lest I seem unsympathetic, I just had two of my superiors leave within the last year. Both were very difficult to deal with, as they were both unhappy with their jobs here, but hung on far beyond burnout, making everybody miserable. Both finally left (and there was much rejoicing, to paraphrase “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”).
Sorry he was such an asshole.
You are right, you have to find some way to keep his nastines from having such a strong effect on you - simply because he doesn’t deserve your energy, and the kind of distress he is causing you saps what you have to direct towards positive things. If you wish to talk to us, we can try to help you figure out how to do that.
Allow me to show you the way to the Pit.
screech-owl has good advice for you. The first thing that came to my mind was that this person might have tried for the new position you’re in and is still a little angry over not getting the job and is taking it out on you. Jealousy isn’t uncommon in the workplace.
I would do what screech-owl said and draw the ugly face and then treat the ugly face like shit until you feel better. And I would definitely confront this person and tell them that you don’t appreciate being treated that way. Hopefully they just had a bad day and didn’t mean to take it out on you.
Mean people suck. Big green ones. You need to find a way to get him in trouble for acting like such an ass. We’re all here to help each other, ya know? The least he could have done is answer the question. Why don’t you try asking his boss, and innocently mention that “dickhead” thought the question was beneath him.
I bet he is jealous of you getting a new assignment. He is a bitter individual. I would say go to his supervisor and say you merely asked for blah and he refused to help you and told you blah.
Don’t beat yourself up about letting him get to you; there is absolutely no excuse for people acting like that in the work place. We’re all here to do a job, get our paycheques, and go home. Making co-workers miserable is not part of the deal.
By the way, please let us know how things turn out.
And I just got news that I am in all probability being passed over for a promotion (they are hiring from the outside) - I am just doing too good of a job in the position I do now.
Okay, I’m with you on this one–but listen to me: you are not wrong to be upset. Your feelings are not insignificant. I work with someone who is the model of unfeeling, insensitive condescending behavior. I don’t say a word to this person that isn’t received with a snide, demeaning comment.
The ONLY good thing about this situation is that at least the person is consistant.
You know deep down whether this was a personal attack at you for some reason that you ought to be aware of, or just the corrosive spouting of a terribly miserable person. If it is personal–take it up with your boss. Air it out, get it over with.
If it is just the general demeanor of this person…then you know you’re in good company. Probably just about everyone around you will have a similar story to tell. If this is the case–that swelling in your throat should be pity that this guy doesn’t know any better. And you can bet your booties that it’ll come back and bite his @ss later.
You know what it is to be polite and civil. Give him a lesson in it. When you have your voice back, call him back and explain that you weren’t aware a small question would be so upsetting to him. Make it clear that you could tell by the tone and content of his words that he was obviously bothered by you and that you are sorry that his day is going so poorly, but that you hope he is feeling better enough now to give you the answer you initially asked for–or can give you a good idea of where to find it.
I’ve done this. It works. It sends a definite message to this person that you are perfectly aware of how they are acting and that from your end they look like a jackass. You’re being nice–concerned, even. But indifferent. The fact that you need this information has not changed. Don’t be bullied. Do this NOW, the first time. Don’t let it become a trend.
You are right–he doesn’t have to be a jerk. And you don’t have to put up with it.
good luck–you can do this.
You’ve already gotten some great advice here. Don’t worry about getting upset over this guy - it is upsetting when people are jerks.
If this is the way he always is, and if you’re likely to have to deal with him a lot, don’t just let it slide and try to make yourself not care. It’s poisonous to work in an environment where you’re being abused constantly. I used to work for someone whose only joy in life was the belittlement of others less powerful than he, and I put up with it for far too long.
As a coworker of mine at the time used to say, “There are aholes, and then there are perfectly round aholes.” Don’t waste any more time than you have to on them.
I agree with struuter’s advice - don’t let this develop into something bigger, especially since you’re new in the position. I guess we all work with jerkoffs who act like this, and all you can do is make your feelings clear to them.
I could never understand co-workers who do this. I always try to be helpful with people asking me questions, either by giving an answer, or a possible direction to find one. It’s real easy, it makes for good relationships, and what’s the big deal? I’m getting paid for my time anyway, so it’s just as easy to be nice as it is to be a jackass. I always remember, that no matter what task I do, there was a time when I didn’t know how to do it. I was usually lucky enough to have people willing to help me learn. The least I can do is pass the favors along. After all, you never know when you may need to ask help from someone else.
Amen to that, brother. But I have to say that in my experience, trying to understand why someone is rude/insensitive/whatever is a little self-defeating. You can’t understand it. Every time you try to think of some reason, it smacks of rationalization and that ends up making you feel worse. And that’s because the part of you that is stinging from their behavior is having a hard time justifying it under any means. But it’s our nature to try to find an external reason. I usually just assume that the person is having a bad day in general, or that maybe something about me sparks this. If it’s me…well that’s where your comments about always being helpful and polite come into it. I can’t control this person’s behavior. But I can control mine, and I want mine to be the best I can make it.
At any rate, it sucks royally to be on the receiving end of that verbal garbage and it just seems to take so much energy to be unkind. shrugs
Luckily, we can focus on good people–like the ones here.
Thanks everyone! I really appreciate everyone’s responses! I feel much better now.
screech-owl This guy isn’t my boss, we’re both unit directors, but in different divisions. His unit is a little larger, so he might have more clout, but I’ve got seniority. I’ve worked here for 10 years, even though I’ve only been in this particular job for about 2 months. I know for sure that the question I asked is appropriate, albeit a little mundane. I also started the conversation by saying “do you have time to answer a question, or perhaps you could tell me who in your office might handle this request” so I think this jerk had ample opportunity to pass me on to someone else if he was really so @#$% busy. And I was sorry to hear you were passed over for a promotion
I love the picture idea!
Dinsdale I almost went to the Pit! But then I was worried that I was too distressed to think of appropriately witty and nasty things to say about him.
Xizor and Dolores I would love to go to his boss with this, but I won’t. Coincidentally enough, his boss is an old friend of our family, and I used to babysit for his kids when I was in high school. The boss didn’t get me my job, in fact, he came into the company as a VP a few years after I started. But at any rate … his boss would make such a scene about this, thinking he was doing me a favor, that it would really look unprofessional and like favoritism. (but I was tempted, and took some satisfaction out of imagining the scene.)
struuter I loved your suggestion for a response! I’m going to try it, with your post in front of me so I can read it like a script.
Thanks again to everyone who posted, or even took the time to read this. It really helped to have someone to talk to!
I can’t add anything to the excellent advice you’ve already been given so I’ll just give you a hug and let you know that I’m thinking of you and I hope this works out OK.
Good for you! Now you have to tell us all about how brave and assertive you were–so we can shower you with congratulations.
Even if the guy continues to be cruddy–you’ll know you stood up for yourself. That’s the best thing–because, as my mother would say, he has to go home with himself and you with yourself.
HA! The ‘round-about-I-really-don’t-want-to-bother-you’ approach! This could be part of the problem.
I am not a psychology major, but I have noticed this in many places I have worked. (And please note the word ‘tend to’). I have found a lot more assertive women bosses YMMV.
Men (especially those in supervisory positions) tend to be direct in their approach to a situation/ question/ problem/ etc., phrasing a request as a directive or order:
“Dave, I need the stats on the Carlson account.”
“Sue, has the updated file arrived yet?”
Women (both co-workers and supervisors) tend to be round-about in their approach to a situation/ question/ problem/ etc., phrasing their request almost as a apology for taking up someone’s time:
“Dave, if you have a moment, could you get the stats on the Carlson account.”
“Sue, would you see if the updated file arrived yet?”
I find this latter approach particularly irksome from a supervisor - if you are my boss, tell me what to do, don’t make it an optional request (politeness is still paramount - one can be direct and still be nice).
Perhaps he sees this approach as a weakness in supervisory skills. Be more direct next time, not apologetic:
"Jerry/Dan/Jerkwater, [state request directly - what is the proper procedure for …/ where can I find …/ does the company have …?].
He may respond better, particularly if you are actually a more senior employee.
I see your point. But just to be clear, I don’t supervise him in any way.
I don’t know if it makes a difference, but I work for a non-profit that encourages that chummy approach. I would expect anyone who phoned me, male or female, supervisor or not, to start the conversation by asking me if I was free to talk for a moment before launching into their conversation. Hmmm, maybe we’re just an office full of wimps, and this poor guy is the lone Type A personality.