Piece of Shit Brother in Law

The BBQ Pit
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It appears the BIL isn’t realizing what he has at home with his wife. Right now when he is with the co-worker he doesn’t have to deal with responsibilities, bills, children, etc. Likely they have set up everything so that when they are together things are perfect. The best thing his wife can do is move to New York and let him be with the mistress in the real world, when he suddenly has to be a step-dad to 3 children, and provide for her financially, and be their when the mistress has PMS, etc. Suddenly he may realize just what he had in his wife.

Then the groveling begins. Oh and he should grovel and grovel and grovel…

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Like sands through the hourglass…

We’re hooked now, you can’t just drop it!

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The brother in law sounds like a dolt and I hope the wife finds a full fledged man to help her forget about his sorry ass when he comes around to grovel.

Peace with you and good luck.

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Latest:

BIL admitted to his wife that he’s having sexual relations with the other woman and that he told her he loves her and that he hasnt’ loved his wife in “quite some time”. They were having fights before she got pregnant and she told him she was going back on the pill, they were trying to get pregnant. He said “Oh no, you don’t have to do that, we can work this out, it’s no big deal”. BIL has known this other woman since September. That’s when she started as a teacher where he works. Not only that but one of his closest friends who’s also a teacher was interested in her too.

So today’s capsule only contains new nuggest from the past but no new developments. Looks like she’s going back home in a few weeks and he’ll miss the birth of his first born. He said he wanted to be there when the child was born. “How long is labor anyway” was his reasoning. I guess he figured he’d just casually make a 9 hour drive on the spur of the moment AND that her family would want him there.

They both got called down to the principal’s office. Word spreads. Some teachers in the district are good friends of ours and we filled them in the other night. Then this happens. We hate to be vengeful but we want them to know what kind of people are teaching in their schools.

This “man” is the godfather of our son and we are seriously considering approaching our priest and asking if we can change that. I know it’s only symbolic but we look at is as he broke two vows before God. That’s not the kind of guy we want to be the spiritual inspiration for our child.

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For what it’s worth:
I was the son of your sister-in-law, basically. My dad left my mom with 4 little kids for other women and no responsibilities. Mom never remarried but raised us and paid off the house all by herself. No contact with dad, no involvement in our lives, no financial support, never a word from the bum.

35 years later let’s see what we find. I and my siblings are all pretty happy, 3 out of 4 are married, with children. We fly my mother from one end of the country to another for visits with grandkids and treat her like a queen. We honor her as best we can. She will never want for love, or support and will be taken care of in her old age should, God forbid, she is unable to take care of herself.

Dad, however, wound up in a dingy apartment in Miami with no money, no secure job, and a long string of floozies. When he died of a heart attack his only friend spent many days trying to track down any of his kids because there was no one else who cared. No funeral, no big estate, just $120 in the bank and a junk car. I was the only child of his who even cared enough to get him cremated by long-distance. He is not missed.

Maybe your brother-in-law could benefit from this kind of story, maybe it’s his future. If he continues on this path he will just go from girlfriend to girlfriend until he’s old and alone and no one trusts him. It figures that his father is giving him his twisted support, that way his father is justified in his own eyes too, what a jerk. Your sister-in-law is a saint for willing to consider taking him back!

God bless you for being involved and supporting her. It gets better over time.

I married a widow with 2 kids who thought she’d never get married again. I like to think it balanced the scales a little bit.

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Thanks for that.

My wife is going to write him a letter and we will include your example as what can happen to him if goes down this road.

Hey, maybe he really does love this other person and he’ll provide proper support for his child through it all and all will be good in the end.

I doubt it but one can hope, right?

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I was just going to say that. He can’t help it if he doesn’t love her anymore. He’s obviously not ready for fatherhood. Them’s the breaks. He is still financially responsible for the kid and could be a father figure if he wants to be. If not, there’s other men out there who would jump at the chance.

You just can’t figure life sometimes.

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That’s going to be our ultimate goal in the next week or so, to try to impress upon him the finality of what he’s doing. This isn’t high school where you can just go back and forth between girls. This is The Big Time and decisions have a lifetime’s worth of consequences for him and others.

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I am not jumping on you specifically Kalhoun, however, I disagree with this statement. I think you can help it. Love is not a gooey feeling you get whenever you look at your spouse, love is an action . You choose to love someone and so you do loving things for them. If I have a fight with my wife, if she is in a bad mood, if she puts on weight, anything… I can still choose to be attentive, forgiving and caring to her. If I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror. Men who say “I don’t love my wife anymore” act as if they caught some kind of virus or had a tragic accident, “I loved my wife yesterday but then the Love was tragically torn from my body in a freak-boating accident so now I am unable to love her.” What a crock. He should say: “I have now decided to not love my wife from this day forward” , That’s accurate. By choosing to be loving, even when you don’t feeeeel like it is what LOVE is all about! God loved us even when we hated him, and that’s about the last word as far as I’m concerned.

Sorry about the rant, Mr. Piece-of-sh!t-brother-in-law can be better and do the right thing if he chooses to do so. If not, he’s a fool and a rat and his children and his wife are better off without him.

Boy, guys like him really burn me up. Again, Kalhoun, I’m not getting on your case, I just grabbed your quote to use 'cause it was there.

Does brother-in-law go to church? Is there some one else to enlist in confronting him? Sounds like you’ve covered all the bases.

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Good point about the insipiration, or lack of same. But as I understand, it’s not only symbolic: the godparent is supposed to take in the child if something happens to the bio-parents. BIL is definitely not the guy you want in that slot!

When you get the chance, do talk to the priest. (Hey, there must be at least one Catholic Doper who lives in your general area, hmmm?)

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Yeah, that’s great. That pretty much sums it all up. Everyone should have that tattooed on their arm when they get married.

Thanks, BMalion! :slight_smile:

Happy

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Ok, another update. I spent 5 minutes searching on pages 3 and 4 because I didn’t realize it was bumped back.

It’s pretty much over. His wife is going back home in a few weeks. BIL is even paying a thousand dollars to have the moving company take her back.

My wife is now upset with her mom because she’s starting to cave in. She tried to lecture my wife about how BIL is still her brother and she’ll eventually have to start talking to him again but my wife is having none of that. We don’t know what changed but while not a 180, she’s done maybe a 90 degree turn. BIL stayed over her house the other night and Mom called my wife the next day and said “If you talk to (wife), tell her (BIL) was at my house last night, not at (slut)'s house”. My wife said “Like it matters at this point”. My wife wrote a letter, I didn’t read it, but she hasn’t sent it yet. She’s still undecided whether to do it or not.

I’m being careful to not try to influence my wife, I’ll accept whatever she decides to do-I trust her judgement. I have strong feelings about this because I never knew my “father”. I decided at an early age, around 8 or 9 to finally forget about that side of the family. The don’t exist as far as I’m concerned. Because of my situation, I feel for this child.

As long as BIL has the support or at least is able to talk to his mom, that’s all he cares about. Dad jumped over Mom because he felt she was “assassinating the character” of BIL. He called a few days later, crying and apologizing. It’s really tearing people up and flooding emotions. Dad said he isn’t going to talk to BIL for a while. My wife says the same thing. The wife is worried about what our extended family, cousins, aunts, etc. will think of her. Mom is only telling people that “they are splitting up”. One side of the family will go to my wife for the details and she’ll tell them the truth, the other side will go to her mom and we think she’ll just say that they are splitting up, not that BIL forced all of this. I’m torn on whether to leak the info to one of the cousins. I don’t think it’s fair to the wife to not have the whole story out there. This guy has to realize there is consequences for his actions. He just wants to go back to how things were before he ever met his wife. If he wants to live like that, fine, but accept the punishment. If that means everyone thinks you are a sleazeball, then so be it. He’s been protected and taken care of his whole life and I think that’s why we have this situation. Let me give you a little tidbit to show his character.

When my wife and BIL used to live at home, my wife would come home in the afternoon after getting out of school. BIL took evening classes (so he could sleep in) and he’d be gone already. In the living room there’d be a TV tray with a cereal bowl with half dissolved cereal and milk in it. He’d eat his breakfast, then just get up and leave. My wife wanted to watch TV without looking at that so instead of cleaning it up, she’d take the tray and set it in his room. This happened numerous times. He had the nerve to get upset. He’d change in the living room, so he could watch TV, and leav his socks,underwear, whatever he was wearing, in the living room. This is just the tip of the iceberg on why I don’t like this guy and had preconceived ideas about this whole thing.
What we are sure is going to happen is that he’s going to be shocked at what he has to pay for child support. There’s no way he can afford it. They were barely getting by now. He’ s going to stay in the house and lose her income. He’ll need 2 roommates. So then he’ll turn to Mom and Dad for help and claim “it’s for the child” so they’ll be making his child support payments. I’m certain that will happen.

About the godfather thing, there’s no legal ramifications. It’s only religious. We are unsure if we want to do this yet. Well, we want to, we just wonder if it’s piling on and necessary. We didn’t really expect him to be much of an inspriation anyway, he doesn’t even go to church unless Mom makes him.

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I like your wife! I think she’ll have no problem standing up to your mom in this situation.

The person your in-laws need to feel sorry for is their daugher in law and new grandbaby. They’re the ones being deserted by a piece of scum.

As far as telling everyone what’s going on, I think that’s up to the wife. But I’m glad she’s getting back to where her support system is.

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Update:

Wife left this morning to go back home. Dipshit, I mean Brother in Law, paid a moving company to move her back. She took pretty much everything, which is nice. She is going way out of her way to help him. He is refinancing the house to help him in the future and she is going along, not mentioning the divorce and the loss of her income. I guess it’s to her benefit since it will help him make child support payments. But it’s official, she will have the baby in NY and will stay there. The only hope is that they’ll get back together and he’ll move back there. I say that only because I think he’ll regret this for the rest of his life and I do think there’s still hope that he is depressed and may come out of htis. It will be good for her and the baby’s sake. At the same time, he’s shown nothing for me to convince anybody of this, it’s only me hoping for the best.

Here’s what happened since I last posted on this:

He and his GF broke up, he says mutually, but I think she booted him. BIL has the utter gall to cry TO HIS SOON TO BE EX WIFE about it. He went to our aunt and uncles house whining about how is life is falling apart. I honestly don’t know what he expected. One person could have prevented this-HIM! Last night we were over there saying our goodbyes. We were there along with her mother who flew in to drive back with her, and some of Wife’s friends. BIL came home and reminded her to leave the keys behind as he left for the night. BIL started taking anti-depressants. The doctor told him it would take about 4 weeks. He stopped after 3 days because “he didn’t feel anything” so “they must not be working”.

We’ve told one side of our family the dirty truth. The female cousins had a “shower” for the wife and she aired it all out. Consensus is that BIL best not show his face at any family functions awhile. We think it’s important that they know the real story so that Wife doesn’t look bad. Now the other side of the family is a different story. They will go to Mother in Law for info and she’s starting to backpeddle. BIL goes over her house everynight and pours his heart out. He claimed that Wife was hitting him. She said yeah, only because she was crying hysterically and he held her down with both hands telling her to “calm down”. A grown man who cheated on his 7 month pregnant wife, repeatedly, crying to his mom about “being abused”. Anyway, she’s starting to cave and is only telling people that “They are splitting up and it’s (BIL)'s fault”. We’ll get the truth out there. We can forgive him one day, after his wife does, but he’ll have to suffer knowing that everyone knows what he did. It’s only fair.

My wife was nervous about telling her half sister. She’s the product of why my wife’s parents are divorced. She knew it would be sensitive because of that but luckily SIL understood it very well and knew what was what. I really don’t understand how BIL came from that family.

So I’ll update when the baby is born. I take no satisfaction in that BIL is throwing the most imprtant thing he could ever have away. I never liked the guy but I wouldn’t wish this on most people. He doesn’t realize that these should be the good times. Having a child around is great. He’s tossed it away.

Please have the wife in your thoughts and prayers if you do that sort of thing. She seems to be doing OK but I know we all know it’s not easy.

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you’re on my prayer list.

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Originally posted by BMalion
By choosing to be loving, even when you don’t feeeeel like it is what LOVE is all about!

Yeah, that’s great. That pretty much sums it all up. Everyone should have that tattooed on their arm when they get married.

I respectfully disagree, BMalion. Your words said it well. He can choose to be loving (as in acting in a kindly and caring way), but he obviously doesn’t LOVE her. If he loved her, he wouldn’t be in this situation. He would have bit the bullet and done the things that seem foreign to him out of LOVE.

I wish my ex would have just left instead of faking the whole thing. He was having affairs while I was pregnant and going out every night. It would have been much better if he would have just left instead of screwing with my head and spending money that would have been better spent on the baby. I think BIL did her a favor by leaving. As long as he pays support (which my ex never did), everyone will be better off.