…so how bad could a buncha third graders screw a writing assignment UP, right?
Well, actually, pretty badly. Their spelling stinks. But that’s part of my job, right?
The assignment was simple. It was a Xeroxed page. The top half of the page was a coloring-book picture of Santa’s Workshop, right? In it, we see jolly old St. Nick, in his shirtsleeves, carrying some two-by-fours in the door while his happy elves merrily assemble skateboards, choo choo trains, and dollies, and furiously wrap presents, hither, thither, and yon, in preparation for the impending Christmas Trip!
Bet you can already envision the picture in your mind, right?
So what did the kids have to do about it? They had to write five sentences describing what was going on in the picture. And then they could take their Crayolas to it and do it proud.
So how badly COULD they screw it up?
The first clue came when li’l Bobby asked me what he should write about. I said, “Write about the picture.”
“What should I write about the picture?”
“Well… what do you see in the picture?”
“San’a Clawz. An’ some elfs.”
“What are Santa and his elves doing?”
“San’a an’ his elfs make toys. And they wrap presen’s. And they d’liver ‘em all over the worl’.”
“And that’s three sentences, right there! Quick! Write 'em down, fast, before they get away!” I joked, and the kid laughed and began to write. Nothin’ to this el-ed business, right?
E-yeah.
Shortly thereafter, li’l Bobby handed me his paper. “Can I color the picture now?” he asked. “Did I write enough?”
Well, yes, he had written enough. More than enough. I goggled, and worked not to gag or burst out laughing.
Being a child, Bobby had, quite naturally, focused on the PRESENTS, the TOYS, in Santa’s workshop. After all, that’s what li’l kids like best about Christmas, right? And what were these elves DOING with the toys?
Well… most of them seemed to be wrapping them up, preparatory to loading the Big Sleigh.
Now think about it. I teach Special Ed. How many SPED third graders really understand how to spell the world “wrap?” And what word would they be familiar with that they would likely substitute?
The word is “rap,” of course. This in itself is no big deal, except when placed in the present continuous tense.
santas elfs make the toys. santas elfs are raping the toys for Cristmas. a elf rapes a choo choo trane. the other elf is raping his package tite. the elfs all rapes the toys and then they put them on santas sled.
I didn’t quite gag, and I managed not to laugh. Unfortunately, then, little Wendikins thrust HER literary concoction at me, and I made the mistake of reading part of it–
Santa and his evles are raping everyting. They are raping and raping and raping becos Chritmas is coming soon.
I still didn’t quite gag, but I definitely did something, because I hurt my throat and my side was beginning to ache. I was NOT going to burst out cackling hysterically in the faces of all these innocent li’l children in the middle of a discussion about Santa Claus. Even if that evil bastard who lives in the back of my head was snickering and whispering, “Gee, talk about the Island Of Misfit Toys…”
“Are you okay, Mr. Wang?” said li’l Jenny. “Your face is looking kind of red. And your eyes are bugging out.”
(…and where’s Mrs. Claus when all this is going on? After all, Chrit’mas is coming and coming soon, right?)
Quickly, I grabbed at another child’s proffered paper, like a drowning man might claw at a life raft. All the children looked at me, quite innocent and oblivious to the horrible double entendres their spelling had made.
I glanced at the paper in my hand.
Santa and his elves have to stay up raping all night because there is so much raping to do before Chrismus. They will be raping day and night to get the job done.
…and it was at that exact moment that little Jill glanced up from her paper and said, "Mr. Wang, how do you spell ‘would he’?"
Luckily, the bell rang only about a minute after that.
And I have until morning to think up an explanation as to why Mr. Wang was jerking and gurgling and heaving and rolling around on the floor for the last sixty seconds of class yesterday…
