Pitting: My Ex Girlfriend (warning: heart rending to a degree)

First off, apologies to anybody, particularly any women, who is offended by the language I use here. You’ve been duly warned and I’m an angry, angry man.

Alright so we were young and all, but that’s really no excuse for a person to act in the self-serving, calculating, and just plain thoughtless way my girlfriend did. What’s really painful about this is that she might actually be completely innocent as to the the effects her actions have on people.

The way it panned out, over our almost four year relationship, is as follows. There’s not really a common thread to what she did, I’m just kinda recording it here for posterity, and to attempt to ascertain from replies whether or not I’ve completely dropped the ball sanity wise.

It all started out pretty much fine. For about the first year, we were very happy and she (seemed to be) a kind, honest person. We shared interest in similar areas of study and often found ourselves selecting the same subjects to study. She had often mentioned to me that she had had some sever problems with past boyfriends, things like having them cheat on her. In fact, the last three boyfriends had affairs (if you can call them that) which broke up their relationships. Fair enough, I thought. Then, there was a beautiful girl in one of our classes. Not that I noticed myself, save for a brief glance. I rue the day I cast said glance, because when we returned home I was berated for hours about being a dishonest cheat and a pervert. I understood why she should feel the way she did, and I loved her, so I redoubled my efforts to help her to recover from her problem with mistrust.

Fine and dandy, but another coupla months down the track the question of me accompanying her back to China to visit her family came up. I was unable to go, and was accused of being under the control of my mother who, having been until that point in time a thoughtful and caring women, suddenly turned into an evil controlling matriarch. Mum’s point was that it might be a lousy idea to spend a month in a country the language of which I do not speak, accompanied by a girl given to random bouts of jealous rage. I agreed with her and put her point as kindly as I could to my girlfriend. After a few days of anger, she calmed down and ‘recovered’.

After that, things went along quite nicely. I knew by now that she suffered from irrational fits of anger during the week surrounding her period (her testimony), so I made efforts to tread lightly, and she made efforts to mark the calender appropriately. Fine and dandy.

The year after that, we did go to China together. By this time I had actually started to have my doubts about her as an academic. We were both avid students of the social sciences, but while my views, like those of any other person, grew and mutated over time as I accumulated information and had new experience, hers tended to be naught but carbon copies of whatever her lecturer had most recently taught. Coincidence, it could well have been, which is why I didn’t say anything. While in China, she was very eager to show me all the sights, but also eager to catch up with her friends. So eager, in fact, that despite my being in tow for the duration, she often went for the entire day without speaking to me, and when she finally did, any indication that a friend wanted to chat with her meant our conversation would immediately come to a close.

Then came BEIJING. I won’t go into it but… seriously, tell me here… if you see a girl and a guy together, and they cover themselves with a blanket and sounds of kissing are heard from within… would the excuse ‘nono, he had his hand covering my mouth, you know. He was showing me the way this other girl tried to kiss him!’… wouldn’t that excuse sound just a tad lame. Needless to say, at the time, I was well pissed. The fact of the matter was, however, that I couldn’t honestly know what had happened. While I berated her for being so stupid as to create a situation in which a reasonable person would conclude logically that his girlfriend had kissed another guy, I had to accept that I couldn’t ever really know. It could either have been completely innocent but misconstrued, or an utterly genius scheme on her part. I chose the former and we kept on. I loved her, truth be told.

When we came back, I noticed she had started to expect me to write her essays for her. Her English was essentially a dog’s breakfast, so I had always helped her with grammar and what have you. Problem is, she had suddenly started to stay up late chatting online, sleeping in and missing classes… and expecting ME to pick up the slack for her, in subjects I didn’t study. Before you jump on the ‘what was Morgs thinking!!!’ bandwagon, hear me out. When I told her it was deceitful and dishonest, she…


She actually pummeled me until I gave in. I’d been kicked in the head at karate, suffered jointlocks so painful I cried… but for some reason being pummeled by a 45kg Chinese girl had me fleeing for cover - and I’m a big guy, 6’5" and a (tolerably) accomplished martial artist. I was no stranger to danger, haha :cool: Well, fair enough, and at this point I had started to feel quite the dickwit. I thought ‘I’ll put up with this for a bit longer and she’ll calm down… it’s probably only temporary’.

Later that year, I went to a mate’s 21st. Calm little party with about 10 close friends. She told me I should be back by 10:30. I told her to fuck off. She was CUT AS and got kinda shitty with me, and we agreed that a midnight return would be the go. Anyway, at the party… conversation was lovely and I forgot what time it was… at about 12:30 the phone rang and I remembered. My friend picked up and, smiling, handed the phone to me. When she screamed at me, they all heard her, and suddenly the fact that I was looking so tired, stressed, and sunken suddenly didn’t look so strange.

I came home and was subjected to a tirade of abuse and violence, as well as attempted strangulation. (no kidding). The fact that she was so small as to be unable to harm me at all didn’t really matter match, and I let loose with a hardcore tirade of vitriol that would make Pol Pot cry.

After this, things were a little sour between us but we continued to live together because exams were just around the corner and our shared lease couldn’t be cancelled without causing considerable strife to both of us. So we sat through things. Exams rolled by and I decided to sit her down and talk properly about breaking up, the universe, meaning of life and all that. She cried like the sans-baby Uma Thurman did in Kill Bill. She begged and pleaded and pulled at my clothes… and I gave in :smack:

I agreed that I’d wait until she’d returned from China before we discussed any serious matters again. She wanted to be with her family to ‘recharge’ before we got down to business again.

Then came the kicker. Even in this context it was a kicker. We were chatting online while she was in China, and she told me she’d changed and was now a much happier person. She said that if I wanted to break up, it was fine. She also told me plenty of guys had tried to pick her up, and said they were all really pleasant. I told her: what in the fuck is wrong with you!? When you know it’ll hurt you, you keep us together no matter what it does to me, but as soon as you start meeting nice guys and realise you can be happy without me it’s “yeah, whatever, break up, yeah”. Fuck that. I dumped her after some hardcore abuse. Worse still, it turned out her mates were only pretending to like me because we were going out. Christ almighty if the goatse.cx man could open any wider then he’d be a nice metaphor for this relationship.

So to sum up. What in the FUCK was that bitch thinking? That she’d just keep me around as long as I was necessary, regardless of what it did to me. My marks were the lowest they had ever been; I almost never saw my friends. I did it because I thought there was a mutual thing going on… I thought she cared for me as I did for her… as I wanted the best for her. I reckon it’ll be a good five years before I respect another woman. Jesus Christ what a bitch! I got pretty fired up as I wrote this… the breakup was about two weeks ago and I’m still in the ‘angry as a vengeful god’ phase. I still have fantasies about the horrible things I could do for revenge, to compensate for three of what should have been the most enjoyable time of my life being flushed completely down the toilet.

I can’t believe I’m saying this… You were too nice. If you had beat her up a few times, I suspect you would both still be together.*

And miserable.

Good riddance to psycho-beast, I guess.

*Pleae note, I’m not saying you should have responded to her violence with some of your own-- Only that perhaps that would have been the only way to prolong your awful, toxic relationship. Mad props for keeping it together. Hang in there man…

What were you thinking? You stayed in it long past the point of reason, I think.

What was I thinking indeed. That’s just one of the many reasons I’m kicking myself so hard. But in my books, my apalling stupidity doesn’t even come close to her self-serving manipulation. Regardless, I thank y’all for replying, though… I put a lot of work into that post!

Hopefully I’ll not be so inept as to fail to see the warning signs next time around.

Lots of people stay in abusive relationships far past the point that they should have left. There’s no point in blaming yourself, but promise yourself that next time a partner hits you in anger, you’ll develop temporary loss of hearing, walk out the door and not look back. Get some friends to help you pack your things, or her things, and get the abusive bitch out of there.

In fact, if you still have her stuff there, I’d have it packed and ready to go when she gets home. She might change her mind. :mad:

Sounds like you did yourself a little good, just getting some of it out of your system.

Good luck.

I know exactly how you feel because I stayed with my now ex-husband years longer than I should have. I know what it’s like to take abuse; verbally, mentally, emotionally, and physically. Your mental state at that point is fucked all to hell, so don’t blame yourself. Good thing is you got out and you’re healing. Good luck and don’t even think about dating for awhile. Give yourself the needed time to be yourself and to enjoy everything you like. She had the problems, not you. Maybe she was a demon in disguise, sent to torment you… could happen :wink: I wish you well and hope you don’t hate us women forever.

I had a nice, long, great post, all full of great advice and encouragement, and it got eaten by the hamsters. Crap.

Anyway, Morgs, as I’m sure you know now, she was textbook abusive, with the unreasonable anger, the controlling behaviour, and the physical violence. You stayed as long as you did because of the circumstances and decisions you made at the time. You may have made some wrong decisions, but we all do that, and the important thing is to learn from this relationship so you don’t do it again in the future, and you don’t deny yourself a good, healthy relationship out of fear of reliving this nightmare.

Be aware that she may actually escalate her abusive behaviour now that you’ve broken up. Abusers don’t like to lose control of their abusees. Don’t have anything at all to do with her if you possibly can. Also be aware of the honeymoon phase, in which she might be unbelievably sweet to get you back.

Be easy on yourself, give yourself time to recover, and think about seeing a counsellor to help you figure out what happened and how not to do it again.

(Just for the record, the last thing people who are treated badly by significant others need is people asking them “Why did you stay so long?” People stay in relationships for their own reasons, and people who leave abusive relationships don’t need any help feeling any stupider than they already do.)

Morgs, I know exactly where you’re coming from. I dated a girl for six years who was manipulative, controlling and mean. During the relationship, I was always the one who turned the other cheek, accepted her excuses and apologies, and was patient and forgiving. When we finally broke up, all of a sudden I realized (as you seem to), that it was all for nothing. I was giving and giving to someone who not only didn’t appreciate it, but in fact took advantage of my patience and tolerance. It’s an awful feeling to finally realize that someone you cared about and sacrificed for was using you and hurting you without any regard to your feelings.

If you don’t mind, I also have some advice. This girl was dreadful to you, and it’s good that you’re letting yourself be angry with her. Don’t let her make you bitter and cynical about future relationships, though. Instead, realize how much you’ve learned from this experience and use it so that your next relationship makes you happy in all the ways this one didn’t. It sounds like you already take responsibility for staying in this bad relationship, which is great, but don’t get too down on yourself for it. You made a common mistake of staying with someone too long. It sucks that you wasted your time with this girl, but it could have been much worse.

If my own experience taught me nothing else, it’s that you have to own your continued participation in a relationship. It’s easy to rationalize staying with someone who has problems as a selfless act, but your first priority has to be your own happiness. Don’t hesitate to end a relationship that isn’t making you happy. Even if this is the only thing you take away from this experience, you’ll still be way ahead. Trust yourself.

What a psycho! It’s good you’re out of that relationship!

And people think I’m a bitch.

It’s good that you’re out of the relationship finally. You realise that you made mistakes and can learn from those mistakes. Remember, the man who never does anything wrong must get tired of doing nothing.

Hey all. I wanted to thank you all for offering such kindly-worded advice. Being vindicated here is an additional luxury, but having my feelings accepted by an internet community of the variety I found here just gets me feeling warm and fuzzy. I’m starting to some serious confidence in my ability to order myself emotionally, and knowing that any number of y’all have had similar experiences helps no end.

Oh, and to SanguineSpider – please don’t think I’d hate women forever: women are lovely… but I’m flattered that you’d care.

“Remember, it’s better to have loved and lost (wham)… than live the rest of your life with that psycho bitch from hell.” (Rev. Billy)

Seriously, I’m sorry to hear things went badly. If people were more honest and less deceitful, everyone would be alot happier.

All you can do is learn from your mistakes, right?

My ex-boyfriend of four and a half years kept treating me worse and worse. And every time he did something he’d convince me there was nothing wrong with it. (It wasn’t physical abuse.) I kept taking it because I couldn’t bear the thought of him breaking up with me. We were supposed to get married.

Then one day it occurred to me that *I * could break up with him. And I did. It’s been eight months and it still hurts. What bothers me most now isn’t what he did but the fact that I put up with it.

Now I’m looking forward to finding a job that consumes all of my time and energy and never thinking about men again.

Ah yeah. I had a great guy rip my heart out by dumping me once (the week I’d finally resolved to tell him I loved him, though I never got the chance to). Took me a couple years… but eventually I was back looking at they guys. You will be too, just let yourself deal with this one, mourn the loss if you will, and then move on when you’re ready.

I fully empathize with you, Morgs. I also went through a four-year abusive relationship. The One Whose Name Shall Not Be Repeated was manipulative, jealous, cruel, belittling, and violent. Like you, I was considerably stronger than her and yet I still felt powerless to stop her. On the occasions when I did muster up the courage to try to break up the relationship, she would cry and beg and tell me she couldn’t survive without me.

The big finish occured exactly one week to the day after she finished her university degree (coincidence?). She attacked me, scratching and kicking and biting and I threatened to get the police involved. She beat me to the phone and when all was said and done I was sitting in the back of a squad car, scratched and bleeding and being arrested for assault and battery. A few weeks later she moved to California; the charges were eventually dropped due to the lack of evidence against me.

For a while after, I was just numb. That quickly gave way to anger – anger with her, anger with womenin general, anger with the Canadian justice system for assuming that the man was the violent one, anger with myself for being so goddamn stupid. It took me a couple years to get back to the point where I could relax around women, much less trust them, but it did happen eventually. In fact, I am now very happily married to one of the sweetest, kindest, best people I’ve ever had the honour of meeting.

When I look back now, I can’t believe I put up with that hell, even knowing the reasons that I had for staying. But the one thing I did take from all that was this: no one deserves to be abused and no one should tolerate it. There are several billion women out there and most of them are good people, so there is no reason to stay with a bad one.

The emotional scars will heal over time, Morgs. Please take comfort in that, at least. I’m pulling for you.

You did good, chum. Most would say that they would put a quick end to an abusive relationship, but the truth is, most don’t because they believe that their partner will change. Your ex-girlfriend wanted a doormat with a dick, not a boyfriend. You did the right thing by not responding in kind. You also know who not to look for in a future relationship and how not to act yourself. Good show.

  • Adam

Morgs You aren’t insane, you’ve been hurt very badly, and are still under the after effects. No matter what the gender of the people involved, a relationship with such “landmarks” is ABUSIVE. You are lucky to have gotten out alive! (You had to sleep at times, you know.)

Here’s some heartfelt advice from one abuse survivor to another. Go get help*, get counseling from someone who helps survivors of abuse, so you can learn to recognize the “signs of an abuser”, learn what it is about yourself that makes you vunerable to falling into such a relationship, learn how to get out if it happens again, and most importantly, learn how to stop blaming yourself. I know the acrid taste of self reproachment bordering on self hatred. I know it well. I have also learned the taste of self forgiveness, and actual self like.

This isn’t your fault. Blaming yourself won’t help you get well from this, it will only destroy you. Learn how to grow stronger. Learn how to forgive yourself. Become better able to get into a healthy relationship when you are well enough, if you want to. Find constructive ways to cope with the terrible anger you have inside, and work on keeping yourself going.

Just, stop beating yourself up, thinking that it was all your fault somehow, that you should have broken it off earlier, that you “should have known” somehow, that maybe you really were that bad of a person, or that you were stupid to have even gone out on the first date. (Things I’ve thought myself, I am lucky to be alive, I was in a HORRIBLY abusive marriage.) Thinking those things in an endless loop won’t help you heal. Some of them aren’t true at all, others are just beating yourself for things that are in the past.

Don’t give up your life, though it’s going to be a rough ride for a while. Don’t let the abuser “win” a final battle, because you cannot cope alone with the terrible hurt they caused, and the anger and self recriminations. Go get help, and learn how to heal. Your first step is learning to stop beating yourself up, and blaming yourself, while dealing with your fury. Learn to forgive yourself, and value yourself again. Re-build your shattered self esteem. Don’t give up! Please?

Keep us updated on how you are doing. I’ll pray for you, and send good thoughts your way.

*There might be an outreach program for men tied to your local battered women’s shelter, I know someone who worked in conjunction with one. Abuse is abuse, no matter the gender of the recipient or the abuser. It doesn’t make you less “manly”. It just means that you “got took” by a “user/abuser”. It can happen to anyone, through no fault of their own.

Alright, there’s been some (tolerably) substantial developments. Firstly though, to Dead Pirate Jimbo – I’m actually surprised that so many others seem to have been in relationships similar to mine. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone, but at the same time it’s a little frightening to learn that there are so many abusive relationships out there. I daren’t imagine what a woman could be put through at the hands of a phyiscally STRONGER partner… mad props to you all, incidentally.

To Zabali_Clawbane: yeah I intend to go and get some advice from the University’s free counselling service as soon as the semester starts again. I’m gonna try to meet up with this girl when she comes back from China and attempt to get some sort of reasoning out of her. I’m still dwelling on why things ended, and if there’s any rhyme or reason to her actions I’d be saved if I could just have a chance at understanding. I will, of course, ask the counsellor whether it’s worthwhile to pool my resources toward this end…

Oh, and there has been a kind of interesting development. She had always been looking for marriage, but knew that her abusive tendencies were making it difficult with me. I’m all for accepting that certain combinations of people can never end happily, but anyway…

she had mentioned that one of her net friends that she’d finally met up with (in person) in China, had turned out to actually be really nice. I might have said this already, but he had long claimed to be attracted to her but told us he would stay away because he respected the relationship. Nevertheless, he made his desires known as he gave her necklaces and hugged her (so I’m told) on more than one occasion. I’m loath to accept that somebody I would choose as a girlfriend could be so weakwilled as to have been manipulated into dumping me for some exciting new dude… but then when I probed her about it in an online discussion, she said

‘well, he proposed’

I said ‘proposed what?’…

she said: ‘nothing, never mind’

and suddenly went all quiet about it. If marriage was what she had been seeking and what she was saying is that it was offered… good for her, but I rue the day I allowed myself to associate with such a weak-willed skank. I’m still trying to get the full story out of her, but she’s notoriously reluctant to tell the truth when she thinks it might cost her.

Letting go of the situation altogether is, at this early stage at least, not something I’m willing to do. At the very least I feel I should meet with her again, if
anything just to cauterise the wound.

Oh and on a side-discussion: What opinions does everyone here hold on spousal abuse (physical). I don’t mean the dimension of violence, only the dimension of physchological damage. I’ve long believed that too much weight is given to actual physical harm, and that physical abuse in a relationship is judged more as a special-case assault. Having been on the recieving end of violence from somebody I could have rendered comatose with a half-arsed punch, I can honestly say I was terrified of her nevertheless. I have female friends at Karate who could knock me senseless without breaking a sweat, and I have likewise landed many fine kicks and punches on them… so why are things so different in the context of a relationship? The element of surprise? :smiley: I suspect it relates to the betrayal of trust, but the depth of what I have felt has me thinking that there must be more to it. There are professionals alive alive-o on these boards so if anybody would offer professional opinion I’d be very much obliged indeed.

Link to your other thread.

I do hope you go get counseling, and learn to grow stronger from this, so you won’t fall into a similar trap in the future. Good Luck.