Pizza toppings come in three basic groups. I worked in a pizza joint while I was a freshman, so I should know. And after more years of college than I care to admit, I’ve seen both sides of the pizza process.
Good:
Mushrooms (Apparently, fungus is not a animal-like plant, but a plantlike animal. No wonder they taste so good)
olives (You know, I could live on a steady diet of nothing but olives, feta cheese, and the occasional athenian slavegirl. I would have made a great ancient greek)
sausage (Self explanatory, I would think. Assuming it hasn’t been left out in the bin for so long it turns orange and solid. As I was working in a pizza hut, this is not a safe assumption.)
bacon (Yeah, it’s terrible for you. If you’re eating pizza, you should be beyond this anyway)
garlic (anything can be imroved by adding garlic or chocolate chips. In this case, the latter is NOT recomended)
Meatball (Not sure WHY this is so much better than beef. It just is)
Jalapinos (Freaks people out, the first time. Invariably, there is a second time)
Actually, the above are just as good if you skip the pizza part, and just toss them all in a big bowl, and sprinkle with parmasian.
Acceptable: Pepperoni. (overused, but nicely greasy) Pesto. (Overrated, but still good)
Beef (If you must. There’s some clasue in the constitution somewhere that you have to put beef on everything.)
Pork (ibid.)
Onions (I love onions, but they’re a bit stringy to go with a squishy food like pizza, and they turn into grease limpit mines if you let the pizza get cold)
Poor:
Chicken (Always gives kind of a chicken parm. wannabe feel to it)
Bell Peppers (A wonderful, wonderful vegtable, that turns into mush when you cook it. Except for stuffed peppers, which are something else entirely)
Extra Cheese (Of all the things pizza could benifit from, adding still more cheese seems redundant)
Ham (Overpoweres pretty much everything. Unless you throw on pinapple, in which case THAT overpowers everything)
Pinapple (I LOVE pinaple. But not cooked at 350 degrees while soaked in grease. Please select sweet OR greasy, not both, please.)
Tomatos (Like cheese, this is another case of too much of a good thing. Why not just get two pizzas and put one on top of the other?)
Canadian Bacon (I’m sure everyone expects me to make a canadain joke. But ham-by-any-other-name just isn’t worth it)
Some “people” may put one of the following on a pizza. These people are perverts.
Potatos
Avacados
Cucumber
Any kind of fish or shellfish (with the arguable exception of eel)
If you are profoundly lucky, there is a Bertuchii’s near you, so you can sample that pinicle of human achevement, a brick oven pizza fra diablo. (Hot sausage, garlic, jalipinos)
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“Uncle Bobo has to go see Uncle Reconstructive Urologist.”