… Is there anything as ubiquitous and also as fundamentally useless for its intended purpose?
Useless? Don’t they stir your coffee? What else should they do?
They also work as straws.
Some don’t. They are flat and not tubular.
Count me in as confused. I’m not a coffee drinker, but I’m not sure how you would stir the stuff you add to your coffee without a coffee stirrer of some sort.
You could add the milk and sugar first and pour the coffee in to mix it, but at a lot of places that’s not feasible since they give you the cup already full of coffee.
I like coffee stirrers. They work fine - I’m not sure what the OP’s complaining about.
They don’t work very well for stirring coffee, since they have barely any surface area. It’s odd that something specifically designed for stirring coffee does such a poor job at it compare to so many things not designed for that purpose.
There used to be a fast-food outlet whose name I forget that had teeny-tiny spoon-shaped stirrers. Rumor is that they were perfect as coke spoons, so they changed the shape to avoid being accused of supporting the illegal drug trade. If true, that could explain a lot.
No they don’t stir my coffee. That’s the whole point. I might as well pluck my own pubic hair and stir my coffee and get the same level of effectiveness. They’re too small and too flexible. To stir you need something wider and firm.
I frequent a coffee shop that uses wooden stirrers that look like popsicle sticks, except longer and thinner. They make excellent epoxy mixers, so I always take a few home when I go there.
That’s the sense I have, too.
Also, I always have this slight concern that a little bit of the plastic would melt into my coffee, if it’s hot enough, and if the stirrers are cheap enough. (I drink coffee black anyway, so it doesn’t matter.)
McDonalds. I forget that name a lot too. 
Huh, I’ve never had a problem using coffee stirrers. Could it be your technique? For example, an up and down motion on a vertical plane is less effective than a circular motion on a horizontal plane.
As bad as they are, you should carry a spoon with you if you drink that much coffee outside of the home.
How much is that much? Once or twice a week? Still, it annoys me that when I do have one, the stirring implement is so pathetic.
Sometimes I double up on the coffee stirrers. They are indeed feeble, and often a tad short. I like to use large mugs, and an additional 1/4-inch of straw length would be nice.
Also, my 4-year-old likes to stick a coffee straw between her front teeth (she’s got a pretty decent gap) and pretend she’s a butterfly. Because their tongues are like straws.
Men’s nipples. And we don’t even know their “intended purpose.”
If I have to use a plastic, tubular coffee-stirrer, I always use two. One doesn’t have enough surface area. But I rarely use them. If I put something in my coffee, I put it in first. Swirl some coffee around, and then fill the cup.
There’s a sink near the back coffee machine at work that drains very, very slowly. I got the plunger out of the break room and cleared it out. All sorts of black gunk came up! Plus a black coffee stirrer that had been lodged down there so long that bits of it had turned white. Pretty disgusting. I’ve noticed at other places that people tend to dump their coffee stirrers into sinks. I’m not sure what they’re thinking. That they dissolve? That they turn into pasta and become flexible? That there’s an inter-dimensional coffee-stirrer nexus that transports them into a landfill somewhere? It’s weird.
The uselessness of coffee stirrers is just nature’s way of telling you that you should be drinking your coffee black as Og intended.
Maybe they think they’re like pens: