Mr Bolan, I’d want to see you after class. It appears your paragraph was copied from another student’s.
Oh you’re good!
Sub.: twentieth-century medicine sometimes cause problems
I think medicine of twentieth-century is causing problems, and the adverse side effects outnumber the merits of these drugs. Proven enough of the harmful impact of today’s medicine are a surfeit of complaints we here from the takers now and then. Evidently, Dr. Johnson, the lead conductor of NHO research team from Manhattan University, says: “there’s a significant rise in headache, vertigo, worsening eyesight and nausea after taking the new medicine”. As an example, there are many people among my friends and relatives who have suffered from the said problems more than once. Undoubtedly, the medicine of twentieth-century has proven to cause problems.
P.S: 1- I wished to add two more support ideas but I couldn’t think of any more. Please let me know your suggested ideas to support the topic.
2- I couldn’t do that, maybe because I have the feeling of keeping the paragraph short all the time. And I’m not sure how far we can go for one-paragraph essay. When you are making up ideas it is not that easy to say it briefly and it tends -or perhaps I intend- to go like a story.
I’ll start with the easy stuff and work my way down:
“Evidently” does not mean “There is evidence that.” It’s a way of saying that you just realized something based on something else. It is generally not appropriate in essays. Leave it out, and your sentence is fine.
“As an example” is correct English, but “For example” is much more common.
The word for perceiving sound is “hear,” not “here.”
An English speaking person would use “takers” to mean “people who take medicine.” The most common word that would work is “patient.”
There’s only one more error, but it’s a big one. Your second sentence is the most stylistically incorrect. The problem is the following phrase:
“Proven enough of the harmful impact of today’s medicine”
This would not be used by native English speakers. To fix it, I’d need to rewrite the whole sentence:
“A surfeit of complaints we hear from patients proves the harmful impact of today’s medicine.”
There’s probably a better way to rewrite that. Like I said, the last mistake is also the hardest to fix.
[Moderating]
Reza, we have no problem with you asking this kind of question, but when there are five threads going at a time, they start clogging up the front page. I have merged the three “Please comment and correct my one paragraph essay” threads into this single thread and moved it from General Questions to In My Humble Opinion.
When you have new essays for comment, please add them to the end of this thread instead of starting a new one.
Thank you!
[/moderating]
The first sentence is good except it should be either “twentieth-century medicine” or “medicine of the twentieth century”. (It’s not related to your English skills but shouldn’t it be twenty-first-century medicine?)
The second sentence has problems. Surfeit is not a common word. It should be “proving” not “proven” and “hear” not “here”. The final “now and then” is unnecessary. And I’d rework the order of the sentence: “The number of complaints we hear from the takers is proof enough of the harmful impact of today’s medicine.”
The “evidently” in the third sentence is a mistake. It makes it sound like you think Dr Johnson made the statement but you’re not completely sure. Conductor isn’t usually used in this sense. You’re better off calling him the leader of the NHO research team. “Headache” and “medicine” should be plurals.
The fourth sentence isn’t wrong but it could be tightened up. “Many people among my friends and relatives” could be “many of my friends and relatives”. “The said problems” could be “these problems”.
In the final sentence, “has proven” should be “has been proven”.
So this is what I’d end up with:
That was the exact words of the given exercise in the book (practical writer with reading, Edward P. Bailey, Philip A. Powell)
I see,
But I’ve come across it several times reading passages from Time, The Economy, Newsweek, etc.,
another reason for using it; is based on the idea of using the words frequently so they stick to your mind, otherwise new learned words will be forgotten over the time. Needless to say that I’m aware of the fact that words are to be used in their own right register, very formal, formal, informal, slangs and jargons, but in my writing I didn’t see any inappropriate usage, so I wrote it.
You have the final say.
But I want the adverb “sometimes” and not “Always” for the frequency of the verb occurrence in my sentence, to refer to a 50 to 60% possibility of hearing those complaints
Because in the following of his words, there was a sentence saying “. . . but WHO has not fully confirmed it yet”
I used it because I checked and found that conduct is (one) of the verbs which collocates with research.
Yes, this is one of the mistakes which can be avoided by reviewing the text more than once.
Thank you for your time and attention.
I’d go with “sometimes” or “occasionally” as in “we sometimes hear from the takers”.
Okay, I see your point. But by placing the “evidently” at the beginning of the sentence, you make it sound like the question is whether or not Dr Johnson said it rather than whether or not what he said is correct.
You’d be better off moving that part farther back in the sentence, such as: Dr. Johnson, the lead conductor of NHO research team from Manhattan University, says there is evidence of problems: “there’s a significant rise in headache, vertigo, worsening eyesight and nausea after taking the new medicine”.
Another strange aspect of English. People do conduct research but the word conductor is generally only used for a person who works on a train or directs an orchestra.
Thank you Nemo, it’s really kind of you to answer me patiently.
But “now and then” means the same as “sometimes” , doesn’t it?
[ I’m not persisting , I’m just asking to get it crystal clear and avoid such misconception. ] 
Now and then does mean the same thing as sometimes, but it’s a usage thing. I’d say “now and then” in a more colloquial sense about less important things, I suppose? “I see him around now and then.”
ETA - I am still mulling this “now and then” thing. I wouldn’t use it in formal writing about medical issues, but I can’t quite explain why.
“Sometimes” is more frequent / more likely than “now and then.” I would say that “now and then” is synonymous with “occasionally.” In order of frequency, least to most:
never
rarely
occasionally / now and then
sometimes
usually
always / every time
Would you still be upset about living in a confined space if you’d be eaten in the wild?
Oh, I didn’t now that “now and then” is informal. is it?