Do orphanages even exist anymore?
But you digress, and try and shirk your duty to Do Good with your teleporter. Shame, shame!
I gave up the OVERLORD part, not the EVIL part. 
Heh. If we don’t split infinitives and put prepositions at the end of sentences, how else could we tell the story of the little boy who went upstairs to bed after asking his father to read him a story. Dad grabs a book and comes up. Boy sees the book and says, “Oh, I hate that story. Why did you bring that book that I didn’t want to be read to out of up for?”
You didn’t get it quite right. Here, I’ll fix it:
the little boy who went upstairs to bed after asking his father to read him a story. Dad grabs a book about Australia and comes up. Boy sees the book and says, “Oh, I hate that story. Why did you bring that book that I didn’t want to be read to out of about Down Under up from below for?”
I like to boldly, freely, confidently, and with utter abandon in favor of the odd flourish, split them whenever it feels right.
Indeed, but I believe that’s a matter of not overusing adverbs and adjectives, which is a worthier goal than not splitting infinitives.