Please help my family keep our home.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
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Ladies and gentlemen, I am once again humbly obliged to ask the SDMB for their caring assistance. I have asked and received permission from the moderating staff to post this thread, and must mention that the staff and administration of the SDMB in no way officially endorse this post or any of it’s contents - they’re just swell people who like to help when they can.
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TLDR: (but please read)**: We are looking for any help we can get to keep our home, financial or otherwise. We are asking only that people help us spread the word - we feel lucky and blessed any time someone is able to do more.

I’m not well known around here, but I’ve been here over ten years and truly love you guys. I know that there are a vast lot of you who can and will help me out, it’s been proven in the past. First off, I’d like to thank you all for reading.

The situation is thus; two weeks ago my I took my father to the VA Medical Center in Gainesville, FL. He’d had building gastrointestinal (we thought) distress for about four months, and we had to wait until the first of March to have him seen. He just turned 65 and is finally eligible for Medicare, which helps to pick up the VA medical costs because he is not yet considered to have a service-connected disability. We waited far too long, it turns out.

His diagnosis is hepatocellular carcinoma - primary liver cancer. The complications are congestive heart failure and Type II Diabetes. He tested negative for all forms of hepatitis, and has NEVER been more than a social, one-glass-of-whiskey kind of drinker. We have strong suspicion that his condition was caused at least in part by Agent Orange exposure in Northern Vietnam from '69-'71. He was also at Camp LeJeune during the height of the issues with dioxin contamination in the water system there. His prognosis based on the average continued lifespan of others with this diagnosis: 4-6 months. The VA does not believe there are any curative treatment options, have offered only palliative. They have dismissed him as a candidate for transplant. We are seeking second opinions, and will try any treatment recommended by his physicians.

My father’s intention was to retire and live on his (admittedly) very decent Social Security income, possibly taking up a contract engineering job here and there. The house and property would have been paid off in another ten years by the schedule. He loves this place, and had every intention of leaving it to my sister and me so that we would never have to worry about having a home. He is also concerned for me, some of you may remember that I have Multiple Sclerosis, which has begun to deteriorate my physical condition to the point where traditional work is not very likely for me again. He wanted me to have this safe home for the rest of my life, it’s set up well even if my disability should advance into mobility assistance, etc.

This diagnosis and prognosis have thrown a wrench into those plans. As of today, we need just under $55,000 to pay off this mortgage, which is a personal ‘sell-by-owner’ type of loan. We intend to ask the sellers two questions; Would they be willing to accept a lower lump-sum payoff, and how much? and Would they be willing to let my sister and me take over the remainder of the payments?

They are in their 80s, though. They may not be willing to do either.

We are putting all personal assets into this. I could never ask for help if I hadn’t thrown everything I had into the pot. We are looking into all feasible sources of funding, but I have personally never had credit, I have several medical bills that got sent to collections that messed up my score. My sister well and truly screwed her credit. My dad is, obviously, a bad credit risk. But we’ll pursue any available funding source.

Dad has filed an application for VA service-connected disability compensation. This will mean his medical bills will be 100% covered, and that we can receive funeral and burial benefits when the time comes. We have done all we can to expedite the claim, but we fear it may not go through until after he passes away, and I WILL NOT allow anything less than a respctful, respectable service and interment. Unfortunately this may require dipping into his modest IRA, leaving us even less to work with for the house.

Where can you help? I’ve set up a Facebook page and a GoFundMe campaign. You can read more of our story there, if you’d like. I only ask for shares, prayers and well-wishes, and if any ideas come to mind, that you let me know! If anyone is able to give more, please consider it.

If you have any questions for me, I will do my best to answer them all. There is some personal information here, but I don’t believe anything damaging is being shared with the public. We’re ok with you knowing our names.

Thank you so much for reading, and for all the caring you’ve shown for so many years. Much love, Dopers.

-Sarah
weirderthansnakeshoes@gmail.com

GoFundMe Campaign
Facebook Page

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I kicked in a little bit. I’m sorry about your dad, and I hope you’re able to keep your house.

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Sorry about your father. You have a hard road ahead of you. I’m sorry that all I can give you is a little advice.

To avoid a potential pitfall or hassle after your dad dies, make sure your dad has designated beneficiaries for his IRA. If he wants you and your sister to receive it, it will be much easier for the both of you if you are designated as beneficiaries in the bank’s records; you will be able to access the money with a minimum of paperwork, and without having to go through probate. (IRAs are handled differently from other assets.)

It could mean the difference between being able to access the money about a week after his death versus many months or more than a year, even. This could be important if you are cash-strapped and need to make a mortgage payment.

Designating beneficiaries is one of those things that is optional when you set up the IRA, and people often think, “I don’t want to decide that now, I’ll do it later,” and then they never do. Or if the IRA was set up a long time ago, the bank may have changed ownership and computer systems enough times that the beneficiary designation is no longer known.

Assuming you are all comfortable with the idea and not worried about seeming like vultures or something (some families handle this inheritance stuff matter of factly, others not so much), your dad should contact the bank or brokerage where the IRA is kept and find out who is designated as the beneficiaries (if any) of the IRA and if the designation is still in line with his current wishes (i.e., not some long ago ex-wife or somesuch). If not, I am sure the bank has a simple form he can use to make the designation.

Note that the beneficary designation for the IRA will not be affected by your dad’s will. (At least, that is my experience here in Illinois.) So even if your dad has a will, it will not help you access the IRA quickly. The bank will go by whatever the designation is in their records, and if there is none, it will take a much longer time to sort it all out.

You will want to do this sooner rather than later.

Good luck.

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I’m so sorry. Agent Orange as a possible complicating factor in your father’s illness is maddening since the government won’t admit the wide-ranging effects that AO really has. (My father was also in Viet Nam, and was exposed to AO.)

Best wishes to you and your dad.

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I would be interested in hearing what happens when you talk to the sellers of the house.

Have you had a lawyer look over the paperwork to see what options there are?

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Too late to edit:

If you are named a beneficiary and inherit the IRA, there are tax considerations concerning when and how much you will want to take out, but that is too much detail for right now. Just be aware it is an issue. The bank will outline your options for you when the time comes.

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Thank you so very much!

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I have this massive checklist of things that need to be done asap. Dad’s still very much in the ‘shock’ stage, and I am giving him this week home from the hospital to relax, but this coming week he and I will be sitting down to discuss all of the business side of things.

He has been clear in his intentions, and I am very aware that intentions count for nothing in a court of law, so - because I am the medical and general Power of Attorney holder for him, as well as his executor, I will need documents establishing such. I will be added as a signatory/beneficiary on all financial accounts. His will must be finalized and entered into record. We must also decide which physical assets we can go ahead and try to sell (anyone looking for a 2010 Harley Davidson Road King? ;)).

Luckily my sister and I are on the same page as far as distribution of any remaining assets - final expenses, then house, then anything left (from any outcome) will be put into a trust for my niece.

I will do some research on his particular IRA and find out how to ensure it doesn’t get stuck in probate, Thank you!

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I’ll update when we hear back from them. Anything but a ‘no’ would be a better stepping off point than we’re sitting at now.

No lawyer, but the paperwork is 2 pages of very straightforward contract, called a “Purchase Money Mortgage”. It specifically lists the option to prepay without premium or fee. It also states that no transfer of the contract will be made without prior written consent of the seller, under penalty of all monies coming immediately due.

One thing you did remind me of is that I need to have the property appraised. It’s been fifteen years since purchase, and has grown in value by at least $40k, not including improvements.

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My dad served right when the Korean war started. He was stationed in France, and stayed there ‘behind the lines’ as a Lieutenant in the Army. Quartermaster core. Payroll he handled I think.

Talk to the VA. It sounds like your dad was in active combat. My father got a nice plot in a Veterans cemetery for no (or very minimal) cost. The VFW provided a nice service in an outside pavilion complete with a 21 gun salute. All volunteers. It was very touching. Just what my dad would have wanted.

It was very military… so…Not sure what your dad or family would want, but this may help not dipping into the IRA.

Best wishes.

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Wow, a truly difficult situation. You dad sounds like a great guy. I read what you posted about him on GoFundMe. He seems like a very good father to you and seemed to have a productive work career that benefited society. I made a donation to try and help.

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He was indeed, as a radio operator for battalion command in Vietnam.

I will be speaking with the VA and the American Legion as soon as I am able. I have friends who are very active in the American Legion, who can certainly point me in the right direction. I will speak to any Veteran’s advocacy group that may help, I have emails out to several as we speak. But going alone to the VA benefits office, to learn about the benefits I can obtain for him as his daughter and heir, will get me pretty far, I think.

Trying to schedule so many errands and meetings. I am fortunate that so many are out there with the mission to support people just like me and my dad.

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Many many thanks to you!

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Congresspeople generally have staffers whose sole job is to help their constituents deal with government agencies to get benefits that they are entitled to and unstick things when they are stuck. It’s premature if you haven’t even contacted the VA yet, but something you should keep in mind if you get the runaround from any government agency.

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We put the application for the disability benefit side of things in with a State of Florida American Legion rep. This was…last Thursday? I think. He said he’d put a rush on it, with the understanding that we may not have the typical 6-8 months that application usually takes to be approved, but that given Dad’s health concerns and that he has at least three of the conditions listed on the presumptive list for Agent Orange exposure, he didn’t see anything holding it up but time.

My plan is to give it another week or so to ensure it’s been delivered to the appropriate people, and then call and ask them DIRECTLY what can be done to speed up the process. If they aren’t forthcoming, that’s when I will reach out for advocacy on Dad’s behalf.

I am not even sure who my congresspeople are here right now (bad citizen, Sarah!) but I will definitely find out and write to them. They may point me toward all sorts of help. Thanks for the reminder!

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If your dad still has his Army discharge papers, that will help a lot with the VA. His service number should also be on his dog tags if he still has them (I think, sure lots changed between Korea, and Vietnam.)

In any case, having as much info as you can before calling the VA, should make things easier.

I know these are hard questions to ask your father. He may not want to talk about it. My dad did.

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The good thing is that he’s already affiliated with the VA on the medical care side of things. It will make it much easier for the people on the benefits arm to make the call, since they’ll have all his medical history and diagnostic test results in the system.

Digging through boxes of paper in the shed, I did find all his original Marine Corps service records, including all medical records from when he was in the service. I’m no doctor, but I wonder if there is anything in them that would indicate early illness soon after he would have been exposed to Agent Orange? Even so, it’s a chunk of my daddy’s history that I am glad to have.

I’ve had his service ID numbr memorized since I was very small. He has been opening up to me more in the past few years, telling me all the stories and answering my questions without clamming up like he’s been known to do. He had some harrowing experiences over there.

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This will be my only non-reply bump, and so I will make it substantial.

I am aware of the debate over donation threads on the board, and all I will say is this - I am thankful to have access to a large pool of creative minds and helpful people, thankful for the opportunity to share my story with so many who can help in so many ways. I try to do the same for all of you when I feel I have something to contribute.

I absolutely concur. It took a rather dire situation for me to ask for ANY help, and even then I am motivated by the sudden nature of this situation and the urgency with which I must try to find solutions.

I hope I am clear in that I am not specifically asking for money from you. If that is a way in which you can help, I have given you a platform and will accept! To all who have given of their hard earned wealth to assist me will go my undying gratitude, at the least.

But I ask here, on the SDMB, because I also want ideas, from the practical to the somewhat insane and everywhere in between, for what I can do. Many of you have been where I am now. Many of you have life experience and expertise on the matters that I will be dealing with. That is why I am being as transparent as I can, because I know that the devil’s in the details and I need to be looking at a (distressingly) big picture here.

Thank you, all of you. No more bumping, though I will try to be thorough in answering questions and expressing gratitude.

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I don’t think anyone should have a problem with you asking for help with this specific situation. And if they do have a problem, which they shouldn’t, but if they do, it is just a message board and they can get over it.

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Many people on the board have been a wonderful help to me during my husband’s illness, so I always want to pay that forward. We don’t have much to share, but I hope that every little bit will help your family. I’m so sorry about your dad and you all will be in our thoughts and prayers.