Well, one of you had beer and the other books so it could have been worse.
And, of course, something can be less than complete, but how can something be ‘more complete’? It’s like saying ‘most excellent’ or ‘more perfect’…
Something that is more complete is more complete than something that is incomplete.
And a rose is a rose is a rose. Unless it’s a chicken.
But look guys, I used each of the three words twice, each time in a different sense. It’s clever, see?
Whitman was full of… something. It’s such a ridiculous word that I can’t even bring myself to type it again. The various entries are impressive, if only for the deft handling of that clunker. Some quick impressions on each-
#2 Appointment With The Past
I don’t have time to research why, but that opening stanza rings a chorus of bells for me. Perhaps a blending of old work into new? I would say even YouTube is a ‘passing pattern’.
#3 Two Agnostics
Seems like a comment on GreatDebates and the general way of things in that venue.
#4 Your Song, So Long!
Philosophical musings in descending meter – life is an ephemeral song.
**
#5 Untitled (Passing the present to Peter)**
A limerick – where’s the smut?
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#6 Gettysburg 2013**
That’s a lot of words to crank out in an hour – impressive. People rarely ‘see’, and when they do it’s only real for them.
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#7 Beyond Completer**
The story I see is a good guy stepping up after witnessing a failed romance. 'Course that doesn’t mean I’m right. I do like how you choose the embrace the challenge words through repetition.
#8 Flash Light
Very evocative. The imagery is certainly universal and the sentiment is spot on, in my book. Now that the challenge is met, I hope S3L5 will be changed to ‘more complete’ and, though picture poems are not usually so serious – I see this formatted as a flashlight.
#9 Untitled (Around about they sit and natter)
I see homage to Whitman. I wish I could turn these lines into leather straps, tied together – then, return the ol’ coot to life just so’s he could be beaten senseless again – simply because of that word. How’s that for trite? Eh, maybe more petty… I’m having a snit.
#10 To Summer
There is longing to return to the rhythms of nature here - a struggle to cope with the stresses of man-made existence. I hear that!
#11 Brain Quarks
Tetrameter! And a fairly decent job at it - I enjoyed the tongue-in-cheek effort.
I really enjoyed perusing all the entries that weren’t mine. I wish I had more time to comment but, work beckons. Good job folks! And Good Luck!!
Nice work, everyone!
These sweatshops are so much fun. Thank you for hosting them Mr. Minister of the Great Beyond!
Some very quick comments, briefer than these pieces deserve - I hope I can expand on these later in the week…
Appointment With The Past - I really enjoyed the central image of the kaleidoscope’s passing pattern. Some of the specificity of the images threw me a bit - I didn’t get Blue Mountain or the frog, for example, but the over-riding image of the poem was very strong.
Two Agnostics ‘Toasting doubt with a companionable clink’ followed by ‘pushing the planchette around the board’ is one of the best images for philosophical debate that I’ve encountered in quite some time.
Your Song, So Long! I’m always impressed when people accept both the time constraint of these sweatshops, and the constraint of rhyme. This is very well constructed, and I could hear this as a song lyric (even with the meter shifts).
Untitled (Passing the present to Peter) There’s no smut, but there is a great sense of whimsy. Limericks suffer a reputation for being an easy form to just toss off - it’s very fun to see one where the underlying thought is so cleverly put together.
Gettysburg 2013 I love the way that history is a living, breathing thing with this poet. I also enjoy the way in which the ghosts of the past silently urge the spectators of the present to do more than just observe. For me, it evoked the line from ‘In Flanders’ Fields’ - To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
Beyond Completer I loved the way the three words were explored to their fullest, and that more than any other poem, this was truly about those words.
Flash Light That’s a great central image, and you played it out beautifully.
Untitled (Around about they sit and natter) Again, someone who chose to rhyme with only an hour to write, and did very well with it.
To Summer I’ve got to get away from aliteration (Gah! I did it again!), I over-explain my images, and once again, I’ve fallen prey to bucolic sentimentality.
In retrospect, ‘moil’ is over-reaching; a pointlessly obscure word that does nothing to add to the line that ‘toil’ or ‘work’ wouldn’t have done just as well. The allusion to Aesop didn’t need to be spelled out like that.
I also hate the line ‘What’s to savour in winter?’, though I can’t put my finger on precisely why. (I don’t particularly mind outing myself as the author of this one…)
Brain Quarks I love poem that is truly ‘of the moment’, and the rhyming tetrameter suits it well.
Hoping others will find some time to vote and comment in the next 60 hours…
One other thing I’ll just throw out - I’m always curious to hear from the poets about what they would do with these pieces. Considering them as first drafts, what would you change for the next draft? Possibly a question for after the poll is closed.
My favorite Whitman quote (from Leaves of Grass):
“Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.”
Wow how did I miss this thread and the prequel for so long?
Dunno - but we’re glad you found us!
What would I change? Well, I would get rid of “completer” for sure!
Seconded!
Ha! If it were easy, any fool could do it. As it is, it takes a special kind of fool…
So true.
My own entry was pathetic…random with little structure and switching of meter and, just miserable attempt…thanks for the two pity votes “for trying”, but seriously…seemed a lot easier in theory to write a poem than to actually write one. Let’s just say mine was “completer” rubbish.
Most of the others were REALLY good - with all the aspects of real poetry, some great insights, some great wit. Good job to the rest of you…and I take my hat off to you all!
Give yourself a break. You hadn’t tried this before and you only had an hour. I used to write pretty good poetry, but it’s been 20 years and this was a lot harder than I remembered. Oh, and happy birthday.
Yeah, DMark, don’t be so hard on yourself! I liked your poem - almost read like song lyrics (and I mean that in a good way).
I utterly hated this word. It sounds grammatically incorrect and I banged my head against it for about ten minutes. When I eventually [del]untangle[/del] revise my poem, though, I’m keeping it, dammit. It suggested a line I wouldn’t have thought of otherwise, so it earned its place. 
The poll has now closed, and this edition of the SDMB Poetry Sweatshop is complete.
First, my congratulations and may we have a big round of internet applause for our poets -
**Yllaria
koeeoaddi
DMark
Trinary
Elendil’s Heir
Frylock
kayT
Prof. Pepperwinkle
Le Ministre de l’au-delà ** and
Becky2844 Hip, hip, hooray, and well done!
And my most special congratulations to Elendil’s Heir, whose poem Gettysburg 2013 was chosen as the favourite! He is now a five time winner of the title 'Poet Laureate of the Straight Dope Message Board! Outstanding!
I would like to once again thank The Mods for their ongoing support of these literary contests. Each and every one of these would not have been possible without their timely assistance. My warmest thanks.
Now, before this thread fades into internet history, I’d like to encourage readers and poets to take a moment to comment on some of the works in this anthology. It is invaluable to the poets to find out if an image or an idea worked with the reader.
I hope to have a short fiction contest sometime in early August, and I also hope to have another Poetry Sweatshop in early September. If you’d like me to drop you a PM to let you know when a contest/sweatshop is coming up, just let me know in a post or a PM. (Please tell me if you’re interested in both, or if just one, which one.)
My best wishes to all of you,
Le Ministre de l’au-delà
Congratulations, Elendil’s Heir! kayT, aren’t you glad you entered? I can’t believe I tied for third. Given more time, I’d have scrapped it and gone with a different format, maybe a sestina.
But good job, everyone, and thanks again, Le Ministre!