A night in the woods (post #12)
Use of mandatory words: All are used in the story.
Use of theme photo: The concept is used literally and allegorically in the story.
Comments: To me, this story talks about helplessness and the power of symbolism. The protagonist’s coin is a prayer, as are all the coins, to the unseen and the unknown, or possibly to the nonexistent. But the prayer’s the thing.
Constructive Criticisms: This story is so raw and heart wrenching, I have to apologize to the author. I can’t come up with any critical observations.
Redeeming Marzie Hennessey (post #11)
Use of mandatory words: All three are used incidentally in the story.
Use of theme photo: The wishing tree is used allegorically in the story as a means of personal epiphany for the protagonist.
Comments: The story’s about the error of investing our dreams in others instead of ourselves. The redemption in the title refers to the act of exchanging an object for its value.
Constructive Criticisms: There’s a continuity error in the scene with Tommy Haircut that I find bothersome. The story could use some fleshing out, and I wish I’d returned James to Sean briefly before flying him back off to Seattle. (I hope other writers will give me some more specific feedback here.)
Bethlehem, Ontario (post #10)
Use of mandatory words: All the words are used in the story.
Use of theme photo: The stump imprisons a supernatural being, and the coins are repurposed.
Comments: A shout out to William Butler Yeats and props to E. A. Poe! This story drowns the ceremony of innocence. (But don’t hold me to any definite interpretation; I’m not passionate about this.)
Constructive Criticisms: I think there’s some unnecessary exposition in the penultimate paragraph. The reader already knows what the coins were for, and it doesn’t seem something one would typically dwell on while having one’s soul eaten. (I’m guessing.)
The picture was pretty specific, so most of the stories were tied closely to it. There also seemed to be a lot of underaged characters, which I found interesting. Strangely, I ended up not voting for a few stories that I started out being really into, just because they ended up not going anywhere, or had some confused plot points.
In reverse order:
As Luck Would Have It, post #15
Pretty straight forward story. I like the little romance, and bits of ambiguous luck. I think this one is most similar to my own story, which might be why I liked it. If I had to find a criticism, maybe it’s a little bit too laid back and simple, or maybe it could use a tiny bit more zest or hook.
I voted for this, because it was similar to mine, but it could have used a little more oomph.
Collecting a coin in time, post #14
Really interesting premise, and use of the picture. Some of the language used is a little awkward, but this might just be a lack of editing time, or perhaps ESL. Some of the story elements confused me, and I had to tread it twice to see if I could understand. The story says that matter cannot be sent back, but energy can. It’s not clear to me how energy alone was enough to create androids in the past. The story seems to indicate that Agatha is controlling Galen, but later changes it to Kairos - which is it supposed to be? Or did they both control him at different points?
I ignored the writing because I suspected you might be ESL. I did not vote for this because although the story idea was very interesting and rich, it left me confused about some of the important details. I would have voted for this if the story elements were clearer.
The Judas Tree, post #13
Well the werewolf bit was a expected gimmick, but it didn’t take away from the story as a whole. Fun little King style horror story. I wasn’t clear on whether the attempt to “take it back” half-worked or didn’t work at all. But I think it’s OK to leave that ambiguous.
I voted for this, because I enjoyed it the way I would a King story.
A night in the woods, post #12
I liked the basic idea, and the characterization. But the story was a little dense, and the ending wasn’t clear.
I would have voted for this if it were a bit longer and more developed, the paragraphs were broken up, and the ending was made less ambiguous.
Redeeming Marzie Hennessey, post #11
I liked the general idea, I think, of the Mother being some kind of metaphorical wish tree herself, but it was never clear to me exactly how that worked, or why she talked to other people about her sons, but not them directly.
I would have voted for this if the relationship between the mother, the sons, and the wish tree metaphor were made clearer.
Bethlehem, Ontario, post #10
Another nice little King style horror story. It took me a second reading to figure out why moving it released the demon.
Voted for this,
On My Way Home, post #9
I liked the idea of passing by the various folk and the characterization you gave each one. It seemed to just be a character piece though, without much actual story. This seemed maybe more suited to the poetry contest. Also, each paragraph seemed a little dense. I found them a little hard to get through.
I would have voted for this if the writing was a little less dense, and there were more of a story.
The History of a Tough Motherfucker (thank you Charles Bukowski), post #8
Killer title, though I’m not sure what it has to do with the Chuck TV show. Loved the characters, and the scene was interesting. I wasn’t sure why Carl was taking injections - micro penis? FTM transgender? What does not working “in the active sense” mean? How does the filter work with the joint? I was quite clear on some of these details. And the story seemed a little bit incomplete.
I would have voted for this if the details were clearer, and there was more of a story.
Sparks, post #7
I liked the setting, and the characters. The putting coins into the new building seemed a little random. The newspaper clippings / museum bit was a fantastic set up for telling the story of the breakdown or at least giving us some tantalizing clues but that didn’t happen, and it didn’t seem to serve any other purpose. It was an interesting little peak at the situation, but there didn’t seem to be a whole story there.
I didn’t vote for this. I think it would need to be really revamped.
Boys Night Out, post #6
Another nice little horror story. I wasn’t really clear what was up with Charlie though - was he feeling guilty about a dead sibling? Also, the album bit felt a little tacked on.
I voted for this.
Buona Fortuna!, post #5
Very cute, and very sweet.
Voted for this.
Paying the Stump, post #4
Cute teenage love story. The setting was interesting. The only thing that didn’t work for me was the ending - the idea was good, but the dialogue seemed a little stilted or harsh.
Voted for this.
The Halloween Kegger, post #3
I was liking this until they forgot the tap, Jaime’s friends made fun of them, and all they could think to do was throw away the keg. The teenage dialogue and behaviors were well done.
I would have voted for this if the lack of tap was a temporary obstacle to be overcome rather than the downfall of the protagonist and the story momentum.
T-shirt Junction, post #2
I voted for this because it was mine 
and because it was a joy to write, the story elements came together well, and it felt like a finished piece. The part about the kid asking if he was really Green Lantern happened to me in real life. The paragraph that glosses over their mid day adventures was a replacement for more stuff that would have happened if I hadn’t reached the word limit. I had a few more ideas that I didn’t get to use in that spot due to the constraints. Thanks for those who have posted to say they enjoyed it!
Ok, a more detailed analysis of each story follows, because I finally have a little time to do so. Of course, the thoughts below are flavored by my own personal tastes, and some stories that didn’t work for me are very likely because they aren’t my “brand” of fiction. I’ll go in order, from the top, because I’m a rebel like that. I’ll be breaking up this post, as this is likely going to take a while (I’m writing these up during breaks).
#1) T-Shirt Junction.
Overview: As I mentioned above, this story was a real joy to read. The author did an excellent job of delivering a neat little urban fantasy story, with likeable characters that I really wanted to read about. I also thought the author did an excellent job integrating pop culture references in a geeky dialogue kind of way - dare I say, the dialogue was almost Whedonesque…I’m very glad no one died at the end. Speaking of, the ending was perfect - two characters, brought together by wishes and mystical t-shirts, shedding both (and other things) to come together? Brilliant.
Use of words and picture: Spot on. All three key words used in a way that doesn’t seem out of place, and the picture was clearly the inspiration of the tale.
Critique: If there was any flaw, it was that the story was too short. I understand that this is directly related to the length restrictions of the contest, but I can’t help but feel that the conclusion was a bit rushed. I think the story could be strengthened considerably by cutting something - perhaps the Green Lantern bit (which I hate saying, because I loved it and the revelation by the author in this thread that it’s mostly true makes it even cooler) - so that the wish can be set up in the beginning somehow. As it stands now, the protagonist’s sudden remembering of a wish made at a party in the woods seems a little forced. The tree is Chekov’s gun - it needs to be shown on the mantle before it is fired at the end. That said, the story was so fun to read, I totally forgave it.
#2) The Halloween Kegger.
Overview: This story grew on me the second time through. On my first read, I’ll be honest, I didn’t like it. I found the characters to be unsympathetic and slightly irritating. On rereading, I realized the characters came off that way because they are near perfect representations of teenagers - the dialogue, the thought processes, the actions they take…all of them capture the mindset that I see in so many of my teenage step-daughter’s friends - ha! No doubt that’s why they irritate me so! This is not a bad thing - it is exceedingly hard to capture such a mindset so realistically, and it is not the author’s fault in the slightest that I cannot easily relate to them, any more than it is the author’s fault that I cannot easily relate to my daughter’s friends.
Use of words and picture: All three words used. Bizarre felt a little forced. The picture was in the story, but felt a little tacked on and not integral to the tale.
Critique: Initially, I felt the story was more of a fragment than anything else. It felt like the story was meant to go somewhere, and like Jack, I expected the lack of tap to be a temporary problem, and found the keg being thrown in the river to be a jarring end to the story. On reread, however, I realized that this story is NOT about traditional obstacles - it’s about the reckless, thoughtless impulsiveness of a teenagers and the consequences of those actions. Everything in the story builds to this - from the breakup in the beginning to free himself up for a girl who may or may not be available, to the decision to steal a keg from a friend’s party to try and woo said girl, to the act of tossing the keg away at the end - the protagonist leaps into each action without thought. He breaks up with the girl, not thinking about the social consequences, which get him barred from the party. He steals the keg, but doesn’t have a tap to get the beer out. And when faced with defeat, he tosses the keg in a river, rather than looking for a less drastic solution. All that said, this makes this piece read as more of a character study than a story. I think part of the problem is that there is a lot of buildup about his relationship issues and the girl he likes, but with no real payoff. Her storming off because he can’t get the keg open just doesn’t feel like closure to the buildup - I’m not sure what needs to be done, but there needs to be something more final. Perhaps a bit of dialogue, where, as she storms off, her friends say something like “I can’t believe you thought he was cute” and Jaime says something along the lines of “Yeah, me either, let’s go see if Dude McHotpants is at Jimmy’s party - I hear he’s single” (obviously, this is a quick suggestion, the writer could doubtless write much better dialogue). This would provide closure to the relationship factor - clearly, she is no longer interested in the protagonist - and would make his bitterly throwing the keg into the river a little more understandable, while still remaining an impetuous act.
#3) Paying the Stump.
Overview: A sweet, simple romance, a story of budding young love. I liked the fact that there was nothing overly dramatic or incredibly pressing about this story - so often, writers try to overcomplicate a story, getting lost in their own cleverness, when a simple tale would have been far more satisfying. Even though this is not a genre I typically have interest in, I found the story sweet and nice to read.
Use of words and picture: All three words are used. Bizarre seems a little out of place, for reasons mentioned in my critique below. The picture is used, and fits naturally into the overall story even if it isn’t the focus of the tale.
Critique: There are a few suggestions I would make that I think would really make this story stronger, without drastically changing the impact of what it is - the story of a young man courting a young woman by way of honest work. Let me start with what makes the story feel a little clunky to me. First, change the title to “Feeding the Stump” - as nothing the characters do is referred to as paying. Second, when the characters get to the point that they are getting ready to hammer the coins into the stump, it feels awkward and unrealistic that the farm boy doesn’t know what they are doing or why. It is especially jarring that his “city slicker” sister-in-law has a better understanding of it than he does - these “clearing parties” seem to be a common thing, and you’d think he’d have run in to it before. Third, the ending feels a little clumsy - sweet, but kind of out of nowhere in relation to the rest of the story. These last two points could be easily cleared up with a little restructuring of the characters. Instead of having the protagonist be a farm boy, have him be a city kid who is spending a long break with his brother and sister, who live in farm country. Start the tale with him waking up early to do chores willingly, to the surprise of his brother and sister-in-law, because he knows that later he’s going to see this pretty girl he has developed a crush on. When he gets there, set up the last line of the story by having the protagonist trying to do something and not succeeding, and being told that he can learn if he tries - maybe the brother of the girl he wants to woo shows him how the task is done. When you get to the part of the stump, having the exposition come from the sister-in-law and the lady of his desire comes a lot more naturally, if the protagonist is the “outsider looking in”. And having the story end with the girl impressed that the “soft city boy” really pulled his weight, and offering to dance with him (You can learn if you try) would really put a nice bookend to the whole story.
#4) Buona Fortuna!
Overview: What a charming little story of childhood memories the unique things that make us cherish our loved ones. I really, really liked this one, and had I known we could vote for more than one, this would easily be tied for first. The story is well told, complete, and all in all an absolute pleasure to read. I really liked all the hints at scandals and such that a nine year old would be just picking up on but not fully aware of - his aunt not being pregnant, his own sexuality, the illegal gambling at the local convenience store. Very clever!
Use of words and picture: All three words are used in the story, and fit naturally in this tale. The picture is an inspiration, and fits perfectly in the image of an old country charmer sharing a tradition with his grandchild.
Critique: It is really hard to find anything that I would change about this story. I’ve reread it three times now, and nothing in it jumps out as awkward or unnecessary, save perhaps for Lucky the dog…but even then, I imagine a three-legged, half blind dog would be just the sort of thing that a nine year old would pay attention to, and thus likely to stick in his memory. That’s all I really have to offer - this really was an excellent piece of writing.
#5) Boys Night Out
Overview: A very King-like tale of eerie-goings on with no real explanation as to the why. Very atmospheric, this story does an excellent job of building tension and paranoia, and teases one’s curiosity as to what is happening to the three boys. Like many of King’s stories, however, its ending feels a little unsatisfying, and it leaves me with more questions than it answers.
Use of words and picture: All three words are used in the story, sort of - but I accept perspiration as a valid substitute for perspiring. Bizarre seems like an odd word choice for a boy whose age I would put at maybe 10-12; the use of bicycles, the hints of innocence still close in the past (with the one boy’s stuffed animal as a hint) makes the word “bizarre” a bizarre choice - I’d think “weirdest” would have been more along the lines of something a twelve year old would say.
Critique: First, I loved the way this story sets the mood from the very beginning - very eerie, very fear-inducing. The cries of an apparently dead baby brother, the scathing whispers reinforcing insecurity from beloved toys - wow, that is seriously powerful stuff, and really well written. Both are so well done, in fact, that the lack of any description of what the third boy was going through was significantly jarring, both in the introduction to the characters and at the end, when we see the repercussions of the spooky happenings affecting two of the boys but not the third. This adds to the somewhat fragmentary feel of the whole tale - it feels like we are getting a partial glimpse, but with little payoff. Does the eeriness cease, now that the coins are returned? What did Mike experience? Was Nick somehow responsible for his brother’s death - else, why seem so guilty about him? What prompted the boys to take the coins in the first place? Again, I love the story we do get, but am left dissatisfied by the story we don’t get.
#6) Sparks.
Overview: An intriguing and definitely unexpected use of the words given to build a story around. A glimpse into what’s left over after an unspecified apocalypse, and the crumbling psyches of the few that still remain. A very short piece that raises some interesting questions, but doesn’t really do anything with them.
Use of words and picture: All three words are used, with album being used in a particularly powerful way - I love the idea of a “morbid scrapbook” of what was lost. The picture was used, sort of - there was no trunk, but instead concrete…and I’m not sure how one would manage to hammer a coin into concrete. But perhaps that’s the point?
Critique: I really wanted to like this story - post-apocalyptia is one of my favorite settings for fiction, and there are some definitely interesting ideas in this piece (the above mentioned album for example). Unfortunately, this piece is so short that it feels unfinished, and I have no idea what some of the imagery is supposed to mean. To start, I think a clarification of the ages of the characters would help - they read as awfully young. If so, where are the adults? Youth would be a good explanation for Sam’s insistence on bizarre things, like using coins for a building material…or perhaps he is ill? Suffering the effects of whatever ended the world? There doesn’t need to be a defined cause to the end, but some hints so that we can understand what the characters are going through would help. The aforementioned album would be an excellent way to provide a little exposition, a glimpse into the why, and make this story feel a lot more complete.
On My Way Home (post #9)
Use of mandatory words: All the words are used in the story.
Use of theme photo: Literal use of the concept, not integral to the story.
Comments: This is a quite skillful study in the communication of essentials. We know approximate time & place, economic and social status of all the mentioned characters, relative age and size of the town, the disposition of the narrator and that he enjoys a happy and stable marriage; all without having been told directly.
Constructive Criticisms: It’s a great beginning passage for a story, should the author choose to write one.
The History of a Tough Motherfucker (thank you Charles Bukowski) (post #8)
Use of mandatory words: Two are used in the story. I couldn’t find the word “album” or an analog for it in the story.
Use of theme photo: Coins are dropped through a window into snow in the story, making the usage sort of visually analogical. The act of numismatic defenestration is integral to the story.
Comments: Snapshot of a stoned empiricist, motherfucker.
Constructive Criticisms: Bukowski could do this sort of anecdotal sketch and communicate a particular thing by not really talking about it. In this case, I think I need more context.
Sparks (post #7)
Use of mandatory words: All three words are used in the story.
Use of theme photo: Literal use of the concept with a building facade standing in for the tree/stump in a way that’s integral to the theme of the story.
Comments: This story is either about existential (subjective) meaning, or about its irrelevance. Or about construction processes and materials.
Constructive Criticisms: I would’ve liked some further development of individual character motivations prior to the narrator’s last line. It just felt like a well formed punch delivered without any momentum—the “mass” (situation & activity) is there, but the velocity component is missing, like the author started with arm already extended.
#7) The History of a Tough Motherfucker (thank you Charles Bukowski)
Overview: A bit rambling, a touch dis-jointed (ha! Pun intended), this has a great title but I have no idea what the author meant by it, nor where the story was meant to take us.
Use of words and picture: Two out of three. No use of the word album. The only connection with the picture is the presence of coins, but not in a context that relates to the picture at all.
Critique: I’ll start with what I did like - the title is awesome, even if I have no idea what it means or how it relates to the rest of the story - I had to wiki Charles Bukowski, because I felt I was missing something. Perhaps if I read some of his work, I’d understand the reference better? I like the way the story captured a first encounter with weed - it really isn’t an active thing, and one usually doesn’t realize how stoned one is the first time until well after the fact, when one sees the weird ass things you did while high. The story captures this perfectly, from the weird, incomplete thoughts of Carl to his random actions and then confusion over what to do next. That said, there’s a lot of clutter in this story that goes nowhere. The randomness of the injections, the fact that the inexperienced stoner can make a filter better than the one who knows what he/she is doing. It made the story feel very incomplete. It’s also a bit rambling, and I’m not sure if I am missing a deeper point that was trying to be made, because it feels like one is meant to be there - again, maybe if I was more familiar with Bukowski, this would make more sense to me.
#8) On My Way Home
Overview: Wow - a very lyrical, almost poetic glimpse into the observations a man makes about his neighbors, quite aptly, on his way home. I get a very strong hint of Joyce in the composition of this piece, and it reads with a lyrical flair that feels very much like a poem or song. There is no real plot to this, but it feels like a piece where the journey is more important than the destination. Of all the pieces thus far, this feels the most like “literature” - it is very artistically worded, and every observation leads to an easy vision of the scenes the man sees on his way home and the people that make up his world.
Use of words and picture: All used throughout the narrator’s observations of the people he sees on the way home. The picture is also used to frame one of the observations.
Critique: Pretty as the piece is, and strong as the imagery it invokes may be, there is no sense of purpose to the tale. Beautiful as the words may be, they provide no deeper insight to the characters they describe, serving as more “visual” observations than anything else. There is no sense of emotion, of how the narrator feels about the people he lives with. Even his (assumed) wife at the end is described with pretty words but with no affection. There is a sense that the narrator is content, but I feel a thirst for more. This piece feels like it could be stronger if it evoked more than just a visual sense of the people and places observed. As it stands, it needs something to feel more whole.
#9) Bethlehem, Ontario
Overview: A spooky story that reminds us of the dangers of messing with the unknown, of disturbing relics that we know little to nothing about. I really like the switching of points of view, between the demon and its unwitting accomplices, and the story does a good job explaining why the demon is trapped without feeling too much like a history lesson.
Use of words and picture: All the words used naturally, and the image is definitely the inspiration for this piece.
Critique: I think this is a really strong story, well written, and with a definite “spooky” factor that I enjoyed. Like a previous reviewer, however, I feel that the final paragraph feels a little off. I think it would have been stronger, scarier, if the beast had contemplated killing the two humans, but let them go, maybe with one of the humans feeling a flash of foreboding intuition that they choose to ignore, back to the beast lumbering towards town, ready to wreak havoc on the world again, and finishing with the historian hearing a bizarre animal scream and feeling a chill as the demon she unleashed retakes the world. It would have a greater impact, to me, if the innocent parties got away and had to live with the coming impact of their unknowing mistake.
Some Comments on the stories:
T-Shirt Junction- The intro is overwritten, it does not fit in with the rest of the story. The dialogue is well done and has verisimilitude. Except both protagonists seem non-plussed at having magical t-shirts. They seem to be more interested in flirting than the miraculous.
The Halloween Kegger- The two parts of the story do not mesh well. The first part makes the protagonist seem callow and unlikeable. There is no interior life to the character. The most interesting part of the story would seem to be the theft of the keg but that is given short shrift to focus on the character’s dialogue which seems real but is not that interesting. I really like the ending and think the whole story has a lot of potential if you cut most of the dumping the girlfriend and focus on the keg.
Paying the Stump - The idea of a clearing party seems strange. The setting is very 50’s but the sensibility seems modern.
Buona Fortuna!- Well written, The part about not liking the magazines was out of place. In the last bit, if Grandpa is whispering in the kids ear, how does Grandma hear it?
Boys Night out- Probably my favorite. Only quibble is the kids talk in complete sentences which make them sound a little too adult.
The History of a Tough Motherfucker (thank you Charles Bukowski)- The first couple paragraphs are overwritten and don’t feel like Bukowski except for the rough language. The dialogue is really well done. Why was smoking a joint and throwing some coins out a window the strangest morning of a guy who was taking hormone injections to grow his junk? It does not seem that strange for college students to get high and play video games.
On my way home- Overwritten and nothing happens. The recurring line was jarring and did not need to be there.
Bethlehem, Ontario- Very well written, but it is not a story it is the beginning of a story.
Redeeming Marzie Hennessey - Having the characters continually use each other’s names in dialogue is not realistic. This story is about a very emotional event, but it is not emotional. The protagonist does not seem upset at all about the death in the beginning, but is weeping at the end.
A night in the woods- If they do not give this story the Nobel Prize for literature they should stop giving the prize out.
The Judas Tree- Really good. Good pacing, good structure. Maybe could have added a little bit about Allison to make her death have more weight.
Collecting a coin in time. - I found this confusing. I was not sure what was going on right away and the story never drew me in.
As Luck Would have it- I like the breezy feel of it, but the dialogue did not feel real. The ending should have been about having luck in marriage or with kids, the elderly aunt part did match the rest of the story.
Ok, folks, I’ll make a more serious attempt at commenting about and critiquing the stories submitted to this anthology. I really appreciate all the feedback so far.
**As Luck Would Have It **(Post 15)
What I liked: The dialogue throughout the whole story seemed quite natural. The story as a whole was a nice, easy read. Everything was written clearly enough that there was no confusion with the plot. Overall, it was a nice, feel-good, happily-ever-after(?) little tale about a guy who is lucky enough to be able to look on the bright side of life. I really do like the positive vibes this story puts out there.
Critique: What the hell, Phil? Hammering a coin into your buddy’s tree stump without warning? On a more serious note, the fact that Janice asked Jack to be a wedding date seemed a bit forced considering the two had apparently not interacted much up to that point. Maybe the word count was an obstacle here, but it would have been nice to have some flirting or subtle attempts at romance in between Jack taking the job and Janice asking him to the wedding. Other than that, I can’t point to anything that really struck me as being off about this story. Well done.
Collecting a Coin in Time (Post 14)
What I liked: This is definitely a very imaginative story. I actually really enjoyed the plot. This is not a story that a reader can keep pace with while only devoting partial attention. I like that. It makes you really dive into it and this is a cool, unique world to be diving into.
Critique: Wow, what an opening sentence! I think it could have been broken up into a few separate sentences. There are a few similar instances throughout the story. Some things were needlessly explained, such as the fact that the conversation between Galen and his master took place merely in his mind. Some of the run-ons and writing errors were just enough to jar me out of the story, which was too bad because it was such a cool idea.
The Judas Tree (Post 13)
What I liked: This was a very cool idea for implementing the tree stump. The actions ring completely true to how a jilted teenager would act. I mean, maybe Chase was just desperate for a homecoming date…he didn’t really dig you. I wonder if this author had once consulted something like a Judas Tree in his/her past? Hmm… I love that the “supernatural” elements of the story are ambiguous enough that we don’t know if it *really *works or not…supernaturally, I mean.
Critique: It seems Alison’s brother probably wouldn’t have been in school the following day. But that is not at all a major issue. The continuity error (carving a ‘J’ in the tree) was already pointed out, so I wasn’t surprised by that. The final line of the story didn’t make sense to me. Well, I got the message, but the wording seemed weird. Am I missing something or is it a typo (dirty, dirty)? On a personal preference note, there was very little dialogue in this story, and it only took place between our hero and the tree. I would have liked to see more character interaction.
Boys Night Out (post #6)
Use of mandatory words: All three are used.
Use of theme photo: Literal use, with explicitly supernatural effect.
Comments: Very atmospheric horror story, from the first passage all the way through. If I were to critique the story from a literary standpoint, I’d say the eerie visitations upon the boys were like the “monster from the id” in Forbidden Planet and the coins they replaced into the stump symbolized their developing superegoes. Since I’m not a literary critic, I’ll just mention that the author did a right skillful job maintaining the level of dread in me as a reader.
Constructive Criticisms: I wanted a bit more story behind Trevor and Mike and what they experienced. I was also unclear on the relationship between the three boys, and found the brief perspective changes away from Nick a little abrupt.
Bunoa Fortuna! (post #5)
Use of mandatory words: All are used in the story.
Use of theme photo: Literal use of the concept, integral to the theme of the story.
Comments: Vividly painted memory that illustrates the continuing influence of the grandparents on the present day narrator. Great use of the theme photo.
Constructive Criticisms: Well, I’m stumped again. Sorry, author, I don’t have anything to offer here except appreciation.
Paying the Stump (post #4)
Use of mandatory words: all three are used incidentally in the story
Use of theme photo: the concept is used literally and without apparent supernatural aspect in the story, and its use is integral to the story
Comments: Would make a decent slice of life prelude to a coming of age story. The invitation to dance at the end seemed to be less of a result from the efforts of the protagonist than a natural consequence of mutual adolescent attraction.
Constructive Criticisms: I thought the clearing party scenes were well rendered, but the opening at the farmhouse seemed a bit perfunctory.
It took a while to read all these. I’ll add my critiques here while I try to figure out which one to vote for.
T-shirt Junction - Post #2
Good story and pace, but it quickly moves into a coffee shop, and I don’t like coffee.
The Halloween Kegger - Post #3
Reminds me of my own high school days. No coffee. I didn’t like Jaime. I heard from a friend that she drinks coffee. Still under consideration.
Paying the Stump - Post #4
Good expression of a relationship between brothers. But it has coffee. Coffee bad.
Buona Fortuna! - Post #5
I really liked this because the narrator didn’t have coffee at the diner. But grandpa did. Minus 1 point for coffee.
Boys Night Out - Post #6
Nice eerie quality to it. No coffee, good. But the brakes on Nick’s bike keep squealing, indicating that they need adjustment. Not as big a problem as the inclusion of coffee would have been.
Sparks - Post #7
Like Sam, I think scrapbooks are waste of good resources. But even in a post-apocalyptic world people should gain some sense of satisfaction from the lack of coffee.
The History of a Tough Motherfucker (thank you Charles Bukowski) - Post #8
Interesting characters. But those weren’t poached eggs, they were shirred. I can ignore that though, because there was no coffee.
On My Way Home - Post #9
Incomprehensible. Obviously the product of a deranged mind. Don’t bother reading.
Bethlehem, Ontario - Post #10
This has a Stephen King like quality. I can see this expanding into a longer story. There was a paradox though, the stump creature did grant wishes if you wished to have your soul eaten. This is at the top of my list so far.
Redeeming Marzie Hennessey - Post #11
Excellent story and characterizations. But more coffee, I can’t vote for a story with so much coffee.
A night in the woods - Post #12
I liked this. It conveyed the emotional state of this man very well. But in a sense it lacked creativity because it uses the same font as all the other stories. Still, there was no coffee, so it’s in the running.
The Judas Tree - Post #13
A tragic story that unfolds at a good pace. But the chapter marks were inconsistent, with a ** mixed in among the ~~~*~s. This lack of consistency ruins the story. But not as much as coffee would have. Still considering.
Collecting a coin in time. - Post #14
Science fiction is an interesting approach. But ending the title with a period was too disconcerting and kept me from fully enjoying the story. I need to reread this, lots of nuance there.
As Luck Would Have It - Post #15
I liked the opening a lot, it has a real sense of genuine repartee. I was relieved there was no coffee. But there is a line - “Let’s go.” You should have considered editing that out and then changed your mind and left it in. It’s obvious you didn’t first consider editing that out. Possible contender.
Writers, please feel free to critique my critiques or expand on the things I liked. It’s great to have a chance to know what was going through your mind as you wrote the story.
**A Night in the Woods **(Post 12)
What I liked: The descriptions of the scenery and the character’s thoughts are very well done. The author really let the reader enter into the mind of this poor guy. His anguish is almost a material thing, another character in the story that he is struggling with. It’s very grown up stuff and the thoughts going through our character’s mind are exactly what I would expect them to be. It seems very natural, not forced at all.
Critique: For me, despite the writer’s fantastic ability to draw a picture for the reader, this picture was just a little too slow and depressing. The transition from being in the forest with the coin and hammer to lying in his bed, sweating, was just a bit jarring, too. But it didn’t take me out of it, so not too bad.
**Redeeming Marzie Hennessey **(Post 11)
What I liked: The dialogue is great, at times even humorous. The banter between brothers sticks out as most memorable. I really enjoyed Sean’s character, even though his visit in this story was somewhat brief. His introductory description was very funny…well done! Overall, the story is very well-written, great prose. And it even has a nice, sentimental moment at the end.
Critique: Tommy Haircut kind of came out of nowhere. The first part of the story, with the interaction between two brothers, each grieving in his own way, led me to believe the story was going another direction. The second half with Tommy didn’t seem to mesh.
**Bethlehem, Ontario **(Post 10)
What I liked: It’s only fitting that we get a little horror to along with the season. It’s a really cool idea, that the stump was harboring a soul-eater. The fact that the humans completely misunderstood the purpose of the coins was a great twist, too. This was a fun, easy read with a pace that kept things interesting…the alternating narrator was a nice touch.
Critique: I think this might have worked better if it were told in the first person from the point of view of the soul-eating creature imprisoned in the stump…at least the parts in italics. A slow revolution that we were, indeed, dealing with an evil entity might have been that much more powerful if we heard it straight from the entity itself.
**On My Way Home **(Post 9)
What I liked: Great prose. This is very well written, very well detailed. It’s like I’m walking along side our narrator - on his way home. It actually reminds of my own hometown, a very small town with a few store windows to look into, and a few passersby with whom to share a salutation.
Critique: There’s not much of a plot; or rather no plot at all because there isn’t any conflict. This felt a little bit like an exercise where the writer was trying to work on his/her prose, which, I might reiterate, is well done. But for a short story, I’d expect some kind of progress, some kind of struggle or obstacle to overcome.
**The History of a Tough Motherfucker (thank you Charles Bukowski) **(Post 8)
What I liked: Well, the title, for starters, is interesting. The prose was pretty good, the plot was…interesting. It seems like the writer had a unique idea to work with.
Critique: I guess I just didn’t get the story. I don’t know Bukowski and I certainly don’t know what the significance of tossing the coins out the window was other than an impulsive act by a stoned kid. And the fact that they were able to sneak on the bus, I don’t know, I think there should have been consequences to tossing those coins out.
Spark (Post 7)
What I liked: The scenery is great, a post-apocalyptic town. The fact that we don’t actually know what happened to the town adds a little mystery, too, which is definitely not a bad thing. Starting a story off with dialogue always gets me interested from the get-go, so that was a nice touch, too. The writer did a nice job of building up interest.
Critique: I didn’t understand why the characters were hammering coins. I didn’t feel like there was much explanation as to why things were happening. Also, the word bizarre was used…well, bizarre. I don’t know why calling for lunch was bizarre. That word seemed forced in there uncomfortably.
The Halloween Kegger (post #3)
Use of mandatory words: all three are used incidentally in the story
Use of theme photo: the concept is used literally and without apparent supernatural aspect in the story, and is not integral to the story
Comments: I remember being shocked, as a teenager, to realize the disdain with which I held most of my own age group, and wondering if I was socially stunted. This story has recalled those days to me and helped illustrate that I was merely accurate in my judgement.
Constructive Criticisms: While I think the narrator is sharply drawn and the story is dead-on believable, I never got the feeling that the accuracy of the author’s observations regarding callow youth was leavened by any commentary regarding that condition. This is a personal preference that I realize others probably don’t share, but the story seemed like a voyeuristic peek into an unlikeable teen’s inner dialogue to me, where I was hoping for some sort of development in the character. Or at least some markers within the narrative highlighting the life lessons which the narrator fails to grasp.
T-shirt Junction (post #2)
Use of mandatory words: Two are used incidentally and one is integral to the story.
Use of theme photo: The concept is used as an apparently supernatural element driving the fates of the protagonists at least for the course of the story.
Comments: Smoothly delivered and quite fun bit of [literal] wish fulfillment.
Constructive Criticisms: Might just be my middle-aged cynicism, but I raised an eyebrow at the lack of suspicion between the main characters when both realize the other is part of the mysterious t-shirt metamorphoses. I found the reluctance of Tobie to enter the woods with a relative stranger a refreshing but too easily overcome return to realism. All of that is worth it for the way the characters embrace the adventure they’ve found themselves in, and the playful way the t-shirt changes are handled.
I agree, and thanks for the critique. Do you think the scene with Tommy would’ve worked better if I’d developed the tension between the brothers more, in the car or during the service? The intent was to drive the point that James, as an unreliable narrator regarding his mother, had let his adolescent petulance at not being the center of Marzie’s attention metastasize into estrangement and bitterness later in life, for which he unfairly blames her.
**Boys Night Out **(Post 6)
What I liked: This had an awesome, creepy vibe to it. The level of suspense stayed pretty constant throughout the story. Heck, I’m not even sure if we’re in the clear by the end of it. And the dialogue between the boys was very natural seeming for kids of that age. This is a really cool story.
Critique: I guess the only thing I can say is that I wish I had more. What, exactly, was the legend behind the tree stump? Did the boys have any idea that the coins were somehow significant (apparently they did because one boy was hesitant to take them in the first place). Just a little more background might have helped understand what was going on.
**Buona Fortuna! **(Post 5)
What I liked: I already commented above that I really liked this story. It really does kind of remind me of my own grandparents, their playfulness with each other and with their grandchildren. It’s well written and just a nice, feel-good story. I love the excited reaction to the half-dollar being driven into the stump.
Critique: I don’t have much to offer in terms of improving the story. The narrator alluding to his lack of interest in girls felt a bit forced, but I can see how it’s relevant to him, looking back. It’s a little corny, I guess, but I think that’s kind of the point of a story relating to childhood memories.
[QUOTE=xenophon41]
I agree, and thanks for the critique. Do you think the scene with Tommy would’ve worked better if I’d developed the tension between the brothers more, in the car or during the service? The intent was to drive the point that James, as an unreliable narrator regarding his mother, had let his adolescent petulance at not being the center of Marzie’s attention metastasize into estrangement and bitterness later in life, for which he unfairly blames her.
[/QUOTE]
I think I understood James’s character okay, and the tension between the brothers was well done. I guess I just didn’t get why Tommy Haircut, of all people, was the person who finally broke through to James. Or was he? Maybe I misunderstood Tommy’s significance. I guess that’s why I didn’t feel like he belonged, for some reason.
I may have to wait until next week before I get to give a better critique of the final few stories. Again, please feel free to comment on my own critiques.
Several gentlemen from Columbia stopped by to visit and suggested that I change my literary critique technique. I found their arguments to be sharp and convincing. So I’ll give each story a second read and try a different approach.
T-shirt Junction
Very charming story, and a creative take on the supernatural approach. The dialogue worked well for me, and had that light romantic wit to it. The mystery of the night before disguised the body of the story, and I think the slow turn from that kept me reading, to see where it would go. The contemporary setting was easy to picture. The only constructive criticism I can offer is that the conclusion should have been much more explicit, possibly with accompanying pictures.
The Halloween Kegger
This still reminds me of the high school experience. The characters displayed the teenage mentality well, as did the content of the dialogue. The actual words in the dialogue were a little too well formed for the average adolescent, but because of the constantly changing form of teen communication, this has rarely been done in a manner that can be considered realistic. But the conclusion of the story evoked the all to common reality of the teenage experience, unfulfilled expectations and regret. I’ll add some constructive criticism, Jaime and her girlfriends should have been identified as 18 year olds, and their night of sexual experimentation following the failed party should have been recounted in graphic detail.
Paying the Stump
This story did a good job in quickly conveying the relationship between the brothers, and between Sarah and Mom. The best part of it was the allegorical sexual act of Tim driving the penny into the stump while it was held between Janet’s fingers. The remainder of the story becomes the post-coital cigarette. I would only criticize the beginning of the story, which failed to have Tim bursting into Trevor and Sarah’s room to find them engaged in an acrobatic sex act.
Buona Fortuna!
This one was a wonderful story of childhood. It’s filled with wonderful humor. The inclusion of a three legged, one eyed dog named Lucky was just one of those humorous touches. The author did an excellent job of painting the characters of Grandpa and Grandma as seen through the eyes of a young boy. The story took an easy ambling, but largely undistracted pace. The only criticism I have is a lack of characters to engage in explicit sexual activity. The hint at homosexuality removed the opportunity to even describe the dirty magazine covers and content.
Boys Night Out
This story had an excellent theme, juvenile guilt and terror. It drops hints of reckless behavior and tragedy. The dialogue had the proper brevity and succinctness of young characters while still revealing aspects of their personalities. The third person narration filled in the more complex portions of the children’s thoughts and feelings. The roots of a great horror story exist here. In this case I’d rather see the story expanded and a more detailed exposure of the children’s fears than inclusion of explicit sex.
I have more re-reading to do. I’ll follow up on the others over the weekend.
I’ll accept a King comparison 
Far better than a friend comparing one of my other stories (this one, which I should probably, several years since I last thought about it, get around to a. fixing the punctuation b. posting the ending) to Gainman.
Found some time today to get back to my story comments and critiques. I’ll save my own story for last.
Paying the Stump (Post 4)
What I liked. The dialoge, for sure, kept things interesting. The concept was good, the budding romance was fun to follow. The ending was perfect. Overall, it’s a nice, well written story.
Critique: The dude has a purse. The story was a little cheesy, but I wish it would have focused more on the main character’s attempts at romance. Otherwise, it was very nice.
T-Shirt Junction (Post 2)
What I liked: It’s very well written, it’s a very unique concept that works really well. The dialoge is well written, the character reactions throughout most of the story are believably subdued. I liked that they didn’t freak out because of the freaky shirts.
Critique: How old are these characters that they’re wearing magic t-shirts and yet it doesn’t take too long before they’re like, “whatevs, let’s get it on!” That’s all I got.
The Halloween Kegger (Post 3)
So, this was mine. I wanted it to be driven by the characters, which is why it features so much dialogue. I wanted it be as realistic depiction as possible of a high school kid who has a tendency to be self-centered and kind of a jerk. I mean, how often do high schoolers really learn from their mistakes? I didn’t want to force character development onto him.
I realize the ending was somewhat abrupt and lacked some closure. I wrote it all at once and it came out well over 2000 words, so had to chop off some parts. Not that I think, by the way, that we should get more words, 2000 is plenty for a nice short story. But, yeah, the full keg of beer ending up in the river was what I wanted, but the last few lines before that could have brought more to the table.
I have enjoyed reading the comments about my story and I welcome any questions about it.
[QUOTE=TriPolar]
The actual words in the dialogue were a little too well formed for the average adolescent…
[/QUOTE]
I appreciate the comment, but I’m not sure what, specifically, you could be referring to.
Well, you know, like the way teenagers, like, they talk, kind of, you know.
You did get some of this in, but it was too comprehensible for average teenagers.
The expletives were good, but it’s always difficult to portray youth dialogue realistically and still have something worth reading.
Ah, ok, I gotcha. Yeah, you couldn’t write something like that and not completely annoy the reader after about 2 paragraphs.
A few more reviews:
Sparks
This was succinct. It presented the different mindsets of a few different characters living in a post-apocolyptic world. Each was pretty good actually. This is the assortment you’d probably see in this situation. And I could see the depression that affected even the optimists. I’ll criticize the lack of explicit sex in a situation where that would probably abound.
The History of a Tough Motherfucker (thank you Charles Bukowski)
I had to look up Charles Bukowski to make sure it was who I thought it was. That didn’t help because I haven’t read anything of his. I did like the writing style though. This would be good as one of a series of small incidents in the character’s lives. Identifying Carl as a philosiphy student was a nice touch that explained the coin toss. It didn’t lead me to expect any explicit sex though, and I gather the characters weren’t getting much unless it was with each other.
On My Way Home
My general assessment of this one hasn’t changed. I think the author is deeply disturbed, and possibly a danger to himself in others. I get the feeling he obsesses about depictions of explicit sex in fiction. He probably owes the good people of Columbia a big apology too.
Bethlehem, Ontario
I liked this a lot. Someone else also remarked on the Stephen King style. The stump creature is a Hitchcockian MacGuffin, a danger that the readers see, but the protaganists do not. The unfolding story of the creature was the entertaining part. I guess I was left unsatisfied with the rapid dispatch of the human characters and their only brief understanding of what happens to them. But it’s better than reading 3000 pages of King before getting to the conclusion. Maybe just a little bit of explicit sex would help this.
Redeeming Marzie Hennessey
Interesting story. I felt like I understood the characters and their motivations. I know that situation of remaining stoic during a stressful occasion, eventually culminating in an emotional release when it is over. The reveal of the parent’s hidden praise and the effect of dispelling resentment make it an overall roller coaster ride, that in my case, echoed some of my own life. The relationship of the brothers was defined early, and identified James as the character who would learn something about himself. That was the reason to read, to find out what that lesson would be. No sex necessary, but there was a little bit of unnecessary detail that didn’t add anything to the story or the characters.
A night in the woods
Good narrative story telling. I heard a father who was drained of all emotions except for inadequacy and desperation. It then integrated the act of hammering a coin into the stump as a way to relieve those remaining feelings. Leaving the result of the wish as an unknown was a good way to conclude this as a chapter in a longer story. The tragic circumstance make explicit sex almost impossible, which is the story’s main failing.