It came to pass that on the fifth day of November Saul, King of the Leftern Regions, was wandering in the Wilderness, bereft of the company of his fellow man. He was sore wroth, having been screwed over by that scag baron Fat Henry. Saul was planning to shove a gun up Henry’s ass and discharge it until it was evacuated of all ammunition, yea, until Henry’s brain was like unto that which the tiniest of fishes do feast upon, for ever and ever.
Saul came upon a leper, crawling in his own filth and sucking the very rocks of the earth for nutriment. Saul was touched by this display of lower-class survivalism in the face of post-industrial societal decay, where nobody can find a job because all of the traditional unskilled labor havens have been outcompeted by increased mechanization and education has become increasingly expensive due to the increased need for specialists in today’s modern workforce.
“Hey, dude, what gives?” rapped Saul, looking at this skanky-ass leper who hadn’t bathed in, like, forever.
“I’m fucking hungry! Give me some fucking food or I’ll hit you with this mother-fucking rock!” The leper was all mean-psycho-wildman' and his rock was all silicate-crystalline-chunk’ and he was not going to chill.
"Why hit me with a rock when there are such stunning opportunities in firearms these days? Why, I’d bet you couldn’t kill a single gecko with one of those old-fashioned rocks. But with this shiny, new Smith&Wesson, you could feed yourself and your loved ones on delicious, nutritious desert animals!
“It works on the simple principle of hurling lead through the air out of its patented Barrel-Fire System. The Barrel-Fire System ensures maximum accuracy with a minimum of mess. No more missed shots! No more wasted rounds! No more digesting your own internal organs! With Smith&Wesson’s Barrel-Fire System, you hit First Time, Every Time.” Saul finished his spiel to find the leper looking at a komodo dragon with abstracted interest. The leper conceptualized his consumption of the lizard, but at the same time recognized the overarching beauty possessed by the wild being. The leper conflicted over the traditional masculinist hunter-dominion role and the neofeminist caregiver-survivalist role.
Saul looked at the leper. His eyes smarted from the dust. He didn’t want to shoot the bastard. He didn’t. He knew he had to. He knew he had to. He knew it was him or the leper, and that there would be no winners. Just men doing what men must do. Saul drew his sidearm.
“The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.” Saul capped the leper in his scrawny ass, then went out to get himself a Royale with cheese.